Depression Learning

What do you feel like when you're suicidal?

Question:

I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt when you were suicidal.

Personally, I shut down. I may or may not mention it to people. I organize things, clean the house, set everything in it’s place. I go out of my way to tell everyone that I love them. I am calm, at peace, having made my decision on my own.  I seem happy to others, peaceful. Then, another time, I may be highly jumpy, agitated, nervous, bitchy, unbearable, hysterical, wearing my emotiuons on my sleeve. Every person is deifferent, and every occasion is different. Sorry if this just confuses you more, it’s me. Mary Beth

Response:

I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt when you were suicidal.

The closest I can come to describing it is best illustrated in the image: http://stio1.fh-wuerzburg.de/student/i217/schiessie.jpg by Bea Winkler Check out more of her fantastic artwork at: http://stio1.fh-wuerzburg.de/student/i217/bea1.html Dav

Response:

I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt when you were suicidal. I have attempted suicide, so I know how I feel when I am suicidal, but i am doing a speech at the end of September on suicide to inform the kids in my class what a suicidal person feels like, what the warning signs are, and what they need/want from you. Please – any input is very appreciated. I can’t only give my viewpoint in the speech. I want yours if you can relate. Tell me how it feels, what you think, and what you need or want from who the person(s) you want help from. Thank you Marie

Response:

I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt when you were suicidal. I have attempted suicide, so I know how I feel when I am suicidal, but i am doing a speech at the end of September on suicide to inform the kids in my class what a suicidal person feels like, what the warning signs are, and what they need/want from you. Please – any input is very appreciated. I can’t only give my viewpoint in the speech. I want yours if you can relate. Tell me how it feels, what you think, and what you need or want from who the person(s) you want help from. Thank you Marie

I liked this post.  I think it is a good thing, and a very difficult thing, that you want to do (ie. to tell kids in your class what it feels like to feel suicidal).  I think it is good BOTH for the kids in your class, and also for you.  I also think you got some pretty good responses here.  Some even from people that I did not know had ever been really suicidal. But, having said all of that, I want to add one more thing.  *I* think that you should feel good about simply telling your friends what *you* feel/felt.  I think that is *much* *much* harder to do.  Both for you, and for your friends. Lets face it.  You could water down your own personal experience/feelings until you become just some "talking head" reading the brochure about "suicide and how to recognize it" from your local chapter of "The Suicide Prevention League" or whatever.  And it will be much less difficult, and much less awkward, for you and your friends.  But it will have, IMHO, just that much less of an impact on you and on your friends. Tell it like it is *for you*.  Make it as uncomfortable as you can for you to talk about, and for your friends to listen to.  Althought I only have personal experience with depression, I suspect that it is feeling like you have no one to talk to because what you feel inside makes everyone, inluding yourself, uncomfortable, is really what it is like to be depressed and to "slouch towards suicide".  (Was that a run on sentance or what??) All I am trying to say here is that *YOUR* feelings, *YOUR* experience is all that is required of you.  And IMHO it has more importance, and more impact than a compilation of other’s opinions or worse yet, a statistical study.  Well, that is my feeling on it anyway.  Tho I did like reading about how others felt in their responses…. Sincerely Stewart PS.  Good luck however you do it….come back and tell us how it went. — The Metaphor Man

Response:

Well I feel much like Mary Beth. I came to be at peace with the idea of my death early this year. I got my affairs in order. Wrote new things in my diary so my family would know what friends of mine to tell. I cleaned up my house.   Im a loner anyway. So no one noticed any change in behavior. I hide my feelings very well. I don’t talk to my parents about how I feel. I just cant. I love them but they don’t really understand. But……   But I felt so guilty about what I was about to do to my family I ran to the doctor as soon as I could and begged for some medication.  BTW feel much better!    You know when some one is giving all their things away some thing is up. When they suddenly withdraw.

Response:

I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt am doing a speech at the end of September on suicide to inform the kids in my class what a suicidal person feels like, what the warning signs are, and what they need/want from you. Thank you Marie

<some snipping  *I* think that you should feel good about simply telling your friends what *you* feel/felt.  I think that is *much* *much* harder to do.  Both for you, and for your friends. Tell it like it is *for you*.  Make it as uncomfortable as you can for you to talk about, and for your friends to listen to.   All I am trying to say here is that *YOUR* feelings, *YOUR* experience is all that is required of you.  And IMHO it has more importance, and more impact than a compilation of other’s opinions or worse yet, a statistical study.  Well, that is my feeling on it anyway.  Tho I did like reading about how others felt in their responses…. Sincerely Stewart marie, what he said is good.  sometimes the most graphic description is necessary to reach a group of people who see repetitious acts of violence on tv and in the news.  i don’t know the age group that you are speaking to, i’m guessing a college class. if you sit down and slowly and painfully write down the emotions you felt (in graphic detail, spare nothing),  and the steps you took for whatever method you chose (finding the pills, saving them up, sharpening the knife or whatever), a really powerful speech could come out….  it could be cleansing for you, also.    possibly, offering all the other people’s experiences is good if it’s done without sounding like the ‘brochure’ mentioned earlier.  anyway, i wouldn’t offer others’ experiences before graphically describing your own.  the effect of you describing your pain, and the fact that they ‘know you’ as a ‘real person’ who has experienced this, would go a long way toward a compelling report. personally, i never felt the need to ‘give stuff away.’  when i was suicidal, i just withdrew more and more.  my thoughts were consumed with death.  what it would be like to just go to sleep and die (pills) or to just crash the car into a bridge abuttment and hope i didn’t survive it.  then i thought of what i would be like if i survived the attempt…hospitals, pain, embarassment, etc…..so i got more pills and went to the library in hopes of finding out what a lethal dose was for the different meds i had stockpiled.   kind of  compulsive, in a way.  but the underlying feeling was that i was alone, no one understood, no one cared, i couldn’t do anything else *but* die.  i pondered what i would experience after death (i’m a Christian; what would God have to say when i reached the throne?), what would my family say/do, i wrote somewhat of a suicide note apologizing for wrecking everyone’s lives.   but when the pain and aggravation finally got the best of me, when i was finally going to ‘do it’ ,  when i was speeding down the street toward the bridge, in the last block before i reached the bridge, when i would have had to turn the steering wheel to end it all, at that moment i decided that i couldn’t do it because of my kids.  i couldn’t leave them motherless, even though i didn’t feel like a good mother at all.   i confessed it to the counselor the next day and was admitted to a hospital for a month. just my experience for what it’s worth.  after last weekend, i thought a lot about dying for many of the same reasons above….didn’t take me as long to realize that it’s not good for anyone if i commit suicide.  however alone you may feel, there are people that are going to be hurt by your actions.  i don’t think many of us have it in ourselves to gratuitously hurt people who care about us.  flame away. willow — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

: I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me : from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt : when you were suicidal. I feel numb. My arms and legs are heavy and numb. I have a desire inside me, to cut them, to make them bleed. I am so mad at myself that i want to hurt. I hate myself, i feel that my family and friends shouldnt have to tolerate such shit as myself. The only thing i can do at that point is stay away from knives. Jennifer — Sanders: ‘We’ve been having fun.’ Doctor: ‘Have you? Oh good. There’s nothing quite like it, is there?’                                                 -Doctor Who, 1982                                                      ’Kinda’ http://shell.webbernet.net/~jewade01/davison.html

Response:

[snip] I want to know how it feels to be suicidal,

Hopelessness. Veronica

Response:

To me when I feel suicidal,  I feel like no one loves me or even likes me.  I feel like if I were not in this world all who I come in contact with, whether it be at home or work they would be a lot happier.   I feel overwhelmed with real life problems and no possiblilit of the solutions.  I feel abandoned by everyone including myself.. At the times when I came closest to attempting it,  the fight to survive had already died. good luck with the speech.  I know you will probably put in it where on campus a person could get help.  Maybe you could talk to someone there about suicidal feelings. Cyndi When God sends the dawn,  He sends it for all.   –  Cervantes No God,  No Peace;  Know God,  Know Peace  - unknown

Response:

This is a gutsy speech topic!  Good luck with it!   I have not been suicidal in more than a year, but I get very disorganized and withdraw from everyone.  I feel like I’m a burden to those that love me and cannot talk to others about it.  I feel like even discussing it would be an imposition.  People in my life generally can’t tell how badly I’m feeling because I become so distant.  The attempts I’ve made were all impulsive, and not triggered by anything special.  Hope this helps. Let us know how the speech turns out, Holly

Response:

Marie:  I am new to this group and righ now am quite depressed. I wanted to respond to your message. The times I have felt like ending my life, I find myself sitting and staring at the walls. I feel physically drained.  I  start to spend less time talking with those around me. I think of wanting absolute peace, no more pain.  No more days waking with expectations from others.  I find myself thinking  of nothing else.  Inside I feel empty and alone.  I cannot find the energy to ask for the help I know I may need. Warning signs for me has been, suddenly becoming very withdrawn,  I may be angry with those I care the most for because I don’t want their presence to be a reminder of how much pain I will inflict upon them by ending my life.  I try to drive those closest away from me.  Checking on life insurance,  throwing away items or parts of my current journal, I think may hurt anyone left behind.  Of course, the act of committing suicide would be of more hurt than any journal page left behind. Thanks for your time…Jessica

Response:

There is no hope, no desire, no joy, Only nothingness. Only the desire to not exist. There are also times when the pain is so intense it’s tangible. Anything to end the pain. Life is not worth living. It hurts too much. The cost is too high. Moody – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – [posted and emailed] I want to know how it feels to be suicidal, from anyone who could tell me from personal experience, either from how you feel now, or how you felt when you were suicidal. i was so depressed, that i felt so ineffectual, that it seemed that if i killed myself, it would be easier on my family and the world if they didn’t have to support me….. "Dark Prism" – Thomas A. Ott — ottthoma (at) pipeline.com – [3 t's in ottthoma!!!] My personality refracts darkly through the serotonigenic spectrum.

Response:

calm quiet at peace m

Well Melissa, Then I hope right now you are…. excited loud and out to discover the world… Hugs, Mary Beth

Response:

calm quiet at peace

Lonely Numb Sure Mac

Response:

when I am having a bad one, I become lethargic, sleep 16 hours a day during the day and am up all night.  i feel like my life is too much of a struggle, and that all the effort that I put in daily is too much–that the ‘life’ I have isn’t worth it.  I push away my closest friends, feeling that I am unworthy of their concern, and guilty for putting them through all the sh*t of my problems, when they have problems enough of their own. (and believe me, they do–I am rational right now, and they are going through some rough sh*t) I feel betrayed by those who ask if what I am going through is an act–because there is no way in hell that I had wanted to share it with them in the first place.  I become despondent.   kimmer who is feeling much better, thank you, now that she has a court date set for suing the jerk who ran her over

Response:

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