STUPID (SPOILER language, cutting, suicide)
Question:
Stupid crazy bitch. I"M SO FUCKING tired of this. SO tired. And you don’t understand. okay? You haven’t been in my shoes. you can’t understand. so fucking leave me the hell alone. you try to help me. i don’t take your help do i? i’m a fucking moron. stop helping me. help me. i’m hurting. oh fuck. i don’t know what i want. i want to feel better. i want someone to care. i want someone to question my red eyes. i didn’t want to cut today. so i didn’t. instead i wrote in ink all over my tummy and breasts "stupid crazy bitch die" it didn’t hurt. i just keep raising my shirt in the bathroom mirror and staring. a reminder. something to remember. and nobody will see it but me. i don’t want to wash it off i want to sleep but i’m scared. i don’t like the nightmares. i had one last night. i only slept for an hour and i still had a nightmare. i want them to stop. i want to feel okay. i hate this. i hate this. i’m not helping myself. i’m withdrawing. i’m pulling in my ankers and drifting away. i dont’ think i can handle this. i really want to die. death seems like an escape. i know of several people who wouldn’t miss me. my dad told me tonight that i am a waste of space. i think he meant it as a joke. he was smiling. and then he teased someone else. so i think he was kidding. i don’t know how he thinks that is funny. a waste of space, huh? a waste of space, a waste of his time… i am so fucked up. my dad doesn’t even want me. it’s my mom’s birthday today. i have to make the house spotless. i have to do all the things she normally does. i have to babysit and clean and cook and take care of her. i know those are the things a good daughter does for her mother. but i dont’ want to. i want to crawl into bed and stay there. i want to stay away from everyone all day. i dont’ want to babysit while she goes to dinner. i dont’ want to see her getting gifts and smiling. i am so fucked up. what a mess. what a waste of space. selfpitying, worthless little bitch. yeah, that’s me. aren’t you glad i found this newsgroup? no, didn’t think so. ~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
Turtle "Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground."
Response:
<< i know of several people who wouldn’t miss me. And lots of people who would miss you. You are lovely and kind. {{{{{Rebecca Jo}}}}} K Love is fleeting, but stone tools last forever.
Response:
No, I don’t know what you are going through, I can’t fully understand. But I know that I have lived days and nights exactly like what you are describing. Using ink instead of cutting was a good idea. Writing posts like the one you wrote was also a good idea. I am glad you found this newsgroup. (((((((((Rebecca Jo))))))))) * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
I am glad you found this place, because it is safe for you here to get all of this anger out. I don’t believe what you are feeling is wrong, I get angry too when I am expected to do things that I don’t have the energy nor will for. Your father’s remark, while meant as a joke, was insensitive – but does he know how you feel? Do your parents know anything about what you are going through?
They know what I’m going through. Or at least I’ve tried to make them know. The thing is… both of my parents are depressive. Mama is on Welbutrin and Zoloft (I think) and Daddy doesn’t take anything. I’ve written really long letters explaining it to my mother. In fifth grade I broke down in front of my class. And my teacher called and talked to my mother (Thank you, Mrs. R) We, my mother and I, had a huge talk about it after that. And they know I’m depressive. I’ve discussed it with them both many times. My dad doesn’t want to talk about feelings. He sends me in the other room… bribes me… to get me to leave him alone sometimes. I went to a councilor once… The man told my mother I was going through a stage. So she believes him. I’m just a teenager going through a stage in my life. All those growing up feelings and everything… So I dunno how to get through to them anymore. If your parents don’t know I think you should tell them. I don’t remember, but are you on medication? You should be.
I am anti-medication. I don’t want it. Maybe I should be on it, but I don’t want it. I don’t like medication. At all. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I hate to do this but I want to tell you about a conversation I had with my Mother a week or two ago (I am 35 now). We were talking about my depression and how I probably suffered from it all through my teens and my Mother expressed guilt over not recognizing the signs. I reassured her by saying that I didn’t even know I was depressed so how could anyone else know. But that isn’t true, the signs were all there but no one could put 2 and 2 together. Now the reason that I told you this is because I think you should talk to your parents and explain how you feel. Let them know that you are seeking treatment and want to get better. Save your parents the guilt that my parents feel. My Mom cries sometimes when she is talking about this issue (she blames her self for not getting me help sooner). Take it and use it or if not appropriate just ignore it. But know that people here care.
(((((((( Maggie )))))))) Thank you for caring, Maggie. Maggie
Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
I wish you weren’t hurting. Feel better. *hugs* you’ll be in my thoughs and prayers. Dan
Response:
<< i know of several people who wouldn’t miss me. And lots of people who would miss you. You are lovely and kind.
Thank you, K. {{{{{Rebecca Jo}}}}}
((((((( K )))))))) K Love is fleeting, but stone tools last forever.
~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
No, I don’t know what you are going through, I can’t fully understand. But I know that I have lived days and nights exactly like what you are describing. Using ink instead of cutting was a good idea. Writing posts like the one you wrote was also a good idea. I am glad you found this newsgroup. (((((((((Rebecca Jo)))))))))
(((((((( CHELSEA ))))))))))) Thank you, Chelsea. ~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
becca jo, hey there- i know you are having a har night. please talk to me, im here. you have been there for me, so now i want to be here for you. no matter how much you dont want me, i will still care for you, you cant make me stop. polease take care of you. hope to hear from you soon. caring/thinking/luvin you, casey mae
Response:
((((((((( TURTLE ))))))))) I hope you’re doing well. I’m thinking about you. Turtle "Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground."
~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
((((((((rebecca))))))))
((((( ARIEL ))))))) i know i dont understand what you are going through but im sorry you are hurting so much
Thank you. i hope you feel better soon
I am feeling a little better today. Thank you. xx
~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
I wish you weren’t hurting. Feel better. *hugs* you’ll be in my thoughs and prayers.
(((((( DANIEL ))))))) Thank you. I hope you’re doing well. Love you. Dan
~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
((((((((rebecca)))))))) i know i dont understand what you are going through but im sorry you are hurting so much i hope you feel better soon xx
Response:
I am glad you found this place, because it is safe for you here to get all of this anger out. I don’t believe what you are feeling is wrong, I get angry too when I am expected to do things that I don’t have the energy nor will for. Your father’s remark, while meant as a joke, was insensitive – but does he know how you feel? Do your parents know anything about what you are going through? If your parents don’t know I think you should tell them. I don’t remember, but are you on medication? You should be. I hate to do this but I want to tell you about a conversation I had with my Mother a week or two ago (I am 35 now). We were talking about my depression and how I probably suffered from it all through my teens and my Mother expressed guilt over not recognizing the signs. I reassured her by saying that I didn’t even know I was depressed so how could anyone else know. But that isn’t true, the signs were all there but no one could put 2 and 2 together. Now the reason that I told you this is because I think you should talk to your parents and explain how you feel. Let them know that you are seeking treatment and want to get better. Save your parents the guilt that my parents feel. My Mom cries sometimes when she is talking about this issue (she blames her self for not getting me help sooner). Take it and use it or if not appropriate just ignore it. But know that people here care. Maggie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Stupid crazy bitch. I"M SO FUCKING tired of this. SO tired. And you don’t understand. okay? You haven’t been in my shoes. you can’t understand. so fucking leave me the hell alone. you try to help me. i don’t take your help do i? i’m a fucking moron. stop helping me. help me. i’m hurting. oh fuck. i don’t know what i want. i want to feel better. i want someone to care. i want someone to question my red eyes. i didn’t want to cut today. so i didn’t. instead i wrote in ink all over my tummy and breasts "stupid crazy bitch die" it didn’t hurt. i just keep raising my shirt in the bathroom mirror and staring. a reminder. something to remember. and nobody will see it but me. i don’t want to wash it off i want to sleep but i’m scared. i don’t like the nightmares. i had one last night. i only slept for an hour and i still had a nightmare. i want them to stop. i want to feel okay. i hate this. i hate this. i’m not helping myself. i’m withdrawing. i’m pulling in my ankers and drifting away. i dont’ think i can handle this. i really want to die. death seems like an escape. i know of several people who wouldn’t miss me. my dad told me tonight that i am a waste of space. i think he meant it as a joke. he was smiling. and then he teased someone else. so i think he was kidding. i don’t know how he thinks that is funny. a waste of space, huh? a waste of space, a waste of his time… i am so fucked up. my dad doesn’t even want me. it’s my mom’s birthday today. i have to make the house spotless. i have to do all the things she normally does. i have to babysit and clean and cook and take care of her. i know those are the things a good daughter does for her mother. but i dont’ want to. i want to crawl into bed and stay there. i want to stay away from everyone all day. i dont’ want to babysit while she goes to dinner. i dont’ want to see her getting gifts and smiling. i am so fucked up. what a mess. what a waste of space. selfpitying, worthless little bitch. yeah, that’s me. aren’t you glad i found this newsgroup? no, didn’t think so. ~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
Please let your parents or another close family member know what is going on with you. Maybe if you could get someone from your family to help you approach your family it may help a little bit. Take care and if you need to talk you know how to find me.
Melia, Thank you. I know you’ve been having rough times lately and I’m thankful you took the time to respond to one of my posts. I do try to talk to my parents. It’s hard though… they seem to shove me away. I will keep trying. Thank you. -Melia Melia Karen C. Benjamin, MSW (Case-Manager) -I am normally numb but somehow get through the days one day at a time! http://hometown.aol.com/normalnumb/numb1.html
~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
selfpitying, worthless little bitch. yeah, that’s me. aren’t you glad i found this newsgroup? no, didn’t think so.
I am glad you found this NG and I care a great deal. -Melia Melia Karen C. Benjamin, MSW (Case-Manager) -I am normally numb but somehow get through the days one day at a time! http://hometown.aol.com/normalnumb/numb1.html
Response:
writes: I hate to do this but I want to tell you about a conversation I had with my Mother a week or two ago (I am 35 now). We were talking about my depression and how I probably suffered from it all through my teens and my Mother expressed guilt over not recognizing the signs. I reassured her by saying that I didn’t even know I was depressed so how could anyone else know. But that isn’t true, the signs were all there but no one could put 2 and 2 together.
Maggie, I felt like I was reading something that I had written or thought of writing at one point and time. My Mom and I just last week had a similar conversation where I told her that I thought I had been suffering from depression since her and my dad divoced when I was five. She agreed and felt guilty. She wished that she would have gotten me help then. At the time though my anger was being blamed as K.C. (my family nickname) being K.C.. As if being angry was a part of my personality and there was nothing that could be done about it. Please let your parents or another close family member know what is going on with you. Maybe if you could get someone from your family to help you approach your family it may help a little bit. Take care and if you need to talk you know how to find me. -Melia Melia Karen C. Benjamin, MSW (Case-Manager) -I am normally numb but somehow get through the days one day at a time! http://hometown.aol.com/normalnumb/numb1.html
Response:
becca jo, hey there- i know you are having a har night. please talk to me, im here. you have been there for me, so now i want to be here for you. no matter how much you dont want me, i will still care for you, you cant make me stop. polease take care of you. hope to hear from you soon. caring/thinking/luvin you, casey mae
((((((((((((((CASEY MAE )))))))))))))) Thanks. I’m better. ~Rebecca Jo Doubt me not. Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.
Response:
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