Struggling
Question:
Spoilering because I know there will be a lot of yucky mostly triggery stuff in this, not sure what i will write yet but its not going to be very fun, sorry. Please dont read if youre feeling vulnerable. Will try put more specifics in here when ive done it if i can. (afternote:references to s**c*dal thoughts, fe*r) cant think of anything else helpful to put here, but it could be pretty triggery so pls dont read unless youre upto it, its not worth it. g h h f d d s a a d df f g h j j jk g f ds a s d f h j Not sure at what point my T will finally agree I am not coping right now. At which second is it not coping? When I take the pills? when I pick up the bl*de? I tried to tell her last time, said I wasnt coping, that took a lot to say that, but couldnt say more. I hadnt SI’d for a few weeks, I had still turned upto work, I had survived the week, so I guess I coped, right? But im not, im not im not at all. and i dont know if i can take this feeling much more, bcos it hurts, it hurts too much. *crying, shaky, sad. i dont like this place im at. I dont know where I can go from here. I was sad already. I tried to go bed, but I couldnt go sleep, shaking lots, Laura very near to me. She makes me feel shaky, makes me sad and scared, and I dont know what im scared of but i feel scared. i dont want to feel that feeling she gives me. i dont want to see her shaking, dont want to feel her pain. I can’t do that. I have enough pain of my own. She sobbed and covered herself in the quilt, and shook and sobbed and sobbed. She said something, she doesnt usually speak much, I could hardly hear at first but she kept saying again and again ‘mummy’ ‘mummy’. was horrible. i cant help her. i dont know how to make everything right. i can barely hold on now. so hard. to keep pushing to keep pushing. it made me so sad. could hardly tell who was crying her or me. just wanted her to go away, dont want to hurt her just want her to go away. to be quiet. to let me sleep. trying to breathe, to hold on, hardly feel connected, but the words are mine. i felt it all, too much. to just want someone to come and take away the pain, to hold us, to make it better, to just come to us when she called. but nobody is going to come. theres just us. its too much for me. i need some help. soon. dont want to feel bad any more. just want to be the person i should have been. i try. but im not that person. nothing at all. just want a little help, a little caring, to be held. frankie.
Response:
Trill, thanks for writing,
frankii, sorry, i almst lost this post before i could get around to responding and i think it is because everything you say resonates with me. i don’t think i’m ever going to be able to cope again. and i’ve been given plenty of proof, physical evidence, that nobody wants to know about the ways that life is difficult for me, forget helping.
*sad i feel a lot of that. feel let down by people, by the world for them not helping, esp those ppl who i feel could have helped but have chosen not to, then I feel im not worthy of their help, that im too needy and that i should be able to ‘pull myself together’ and get on with it. that i shouldnt need or feel, that i should be inhuman somehow and be able to be the person i should have been. lots of shoulds huh? eg. i say i can’t do anything but sleep. i’m not eating enough. my biggest goals are to eat enough of nutritious stuff and to clean up my home. and that seems pathetic to me.
not pathetic goals, not easy goals either. fix those two and a lot of the rest will come too. While the body isnt nourished the mind cant possibly function to its potential. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – the answer i get is, you should get some sleep now. so i say, but that’s the problem. i do sleep, almost all of the time. "well, get some sleep now. we can’t solve everything in one day." and i feel like i’m a stupid fool for having asked for help. look, i wanna say, let me tell you the horrible things that plague me. please help me figure out how to keep them at bay without sleeping my life away. remember, i told you that i don’t want to d*e? "if you’re s**cdl then you need to get into a hsptl. is that what you want?"
yup, good at shouting at ourself too, know the right things we ’should’ be doing, just a big gap between knowing n doing. so i give up. and i sleep. i usually wake up for 2 or 3 hrs in middle of night, come around asd but otherwise i sleep.
maybe there needs to be something worth waking up for? anything you would enjoy doing? it is pretty bad. yes. anyway, i empathize with you.
thank you, for writing, for empathizing, for finding the time to tell me you were empathizing, it helps. it really does. though I wish you werent so able to empathize with some of this, I dont like to think of you feeling this too. take care, frankie.
Response:
frankii, sorry, i almst lost this post before i could get around to responding and i think it is because everything you say resonates with me. i don’t think i’m ever going to be able to cope again. and i’ve been given plenty of proof, physical evidence, that nobody wants to know about the ways that life is difficult for me, forget helping. eg. i say i can’t do anything but sleep. i’m not eating enough. my biggest goals are to eat enough of nutritious stuff and to clean up my home. and that seems pathetic to me. the answer i get is, you should get some sleep now. so i say, but that’s the problem. i do sleep, almost all of the time. "well, get some sleep now. we can’t solve everything in one day." and i feel like i’m a stupid fool for having asked for help. look, i wanna say, let me tell you the horrible things that plague me. please help me figure out how to keep them at bay without sleeping my life away. remember, i told you that i don’t want to d*e? "if you’re s**cdl then you need to get into a hsptl. is that what you want?" so i give up. and i sleep. i usually wake up for 2 or 3 hrs in middle of night, come around asd but otherwise i sleep. it is pretty bad. anyway, i empathize with you. trill
Spoilering because I know there will be a lot of yucky mostly triggery stuff in this, not sure what i will write yet but its not going to be very fun, sorry. Please dont read if youre feeling vulnerable. Will try put more specifics in here when ive done it if i can. (afternote:references to s**c*dal thoughts, fe*r) cant think of anything else helpful to put here, but it could be pretty triggery so pls dont read unless youre upto it, its not worth it. g h h f d d s a a d df f g h j j jk g f ds a s d f h j Not sure at what point my T will finally agree I am not coping right now. At which second is it not coping? When I take the pills? when I pick up the bl*de? I tried to tell her last time, said I wasnt coping, that took a lot to say that, but couldnt say more. I hadnt SI’d for a few weeks, I had still turned upto work, I had survived the week, so I guess I coped, right? But im not, im not im not at all. and i dont know if i can take this feeling much more, bcos it hurts, it hurts too much. *crying, shaky, sad. i dont like this place im at. I dont know where I can go from here. I was sad already. I tried to go bed, but I couldnt go sleep, shaking lots, Laura very near to me. She makes me feel shaky, makes me sad and scared, and I dont know what im scared of but i feel scared. i dont want to feel that feeling she gives me. i dont want to see her shaking, dont want to feel her pain. I can’t do that. I have enough pain of my own. She sobbed and covered herself in the quilt, and shook and sobbed and sobbed. She said something, she doesnt usually speak much, I could hardly hear at first but she kept saying again and again ‘mummy’ ‘mummy’. was horrible. i cant help her. i dont know how to make everything right. i can barely hold on now. so hard. to keep pushing to keep pushing. it made me so sad. could hardly tell who was crying her or me. just wanted her to go away, dont want to hurt her just want her to go away. to be quiet. to let me sleep. trying to breathe, to hold on, hardly feel connected, but the words are mine. i felt it all, too much. to just want someone to come and take away the pain, to hold us, to make it better, to just come to us when she called. but nobody is going to come. theres just us. its too much for me. i need some help. soon. dont want to feel bad any more. just want to be the person i should have been. i try. but im not that person. nothing at all. just want a little help, a little caring, to be held. frankie.
Response:
Hi, f. I’m glad you were able to talk to your t and get your t to be more aware of how you are doing. I hope you are able to do whatever you need to feel better and get help. Maybe there are ways that h*spitalization could be worked out without your mother knowing if that is what you decide you want to do, or maybe there are other things that could help, like having more sessions or regular phone contact with your t or getting a friend to stay with you or going away for a change of scenery and a rest or something. I hope you find something that works for you. Take care. -Nancy
Response:
Thank you Nancy and V(Rainstar), appreciate your responses. and Nancy thanks for understanding some of what I said. helps. spoke to my t a bit more about whats been going on, I realised that shes not ps*ch*c(y,i) and that if i dont explain she wont know how things are. she suggested going inpatient on tuesday, a bit scared by that. and even tho it appeals and it feels ok for a little bit of me I dont see how I could anyway. My son would have to stay with someone else for a short time, which would involve my m*th*r knowing which could cause a whole lot more problems. So I dont know, but at least my T is a little more aware now. just trying to ignore it a little at the moment until im a little more able to work out what on earth to do. thank you very much anyway, nice of you to reply, f.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – frankii, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a hard time, and I hope you’re feeling a bit better. I haven’t logged on in a few days, so I’m jsut reading this now. I think it is very important to be listened to when you’re feeling a sense of struggling. I don’t think being able to go to work has anything to do with "coping." It’s surviving, but it doesn’t mean things are okay. I hope you can get the support you need and get your t and others around you to understand that even when you are able to pull it together enough to go to work and look ok, you may still be having a very hard time and need extra help and support. -Nancy
Response:
glad you’re doing a bit better… sorry you weren’t for a bit. can’t say much right now. we’re very apathetic today.. can’t feel a whole lot. but am thinking of you. v. for rainstar (we think.. not sure who it is really) just a quickie to say i really dont need a reply to this. it helped a lot to be able to write some of this down last night. calmer this morning,was a tough night, but i managed to get back to bed and get some sleep without event. Many thanks just for you guys being here, my usual support system fell apart last night, and it helped more than i thought to write some of this down and helped me to get some of it out so i could sleep. thanks 
take care, f.
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Response:
frankii, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been having a hard time, and I hope you’re feeling a bit better. I haven’t logged on in a few days, so I’m jsut reading this now. I think it is very important to be listened to when you’re feeling a sense of struggling. I don’t think being able to go to work has anything to do with "coping." It’s surviving, but it doesn’t mean things are okay. I hope you can get the support you need and get your t and others around you to understand that even when you are able to pull it together enough to go to work and look ok, you may still be having a very hard time and need extra help and support. -Nancy
Response:
Thank you very much, your kind thoughts are much appreciated, and as I said in earlier post, it helped a lot just to be able to write some of that down last night to allow my mind some room for sleep. Sorry you are struggling too, and its a shame you are so wary of posting. I understand you dont wish to hurt or trigger anyone else, but a good spoiler and a few splats and Im sure many here would care to read your posts, I know I would. Meanwhile thank you so much for replying, thinking of you, and wishing you strength for your days. Take care, f. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – sorry for not answering earlier, we have not been able to offer much support to anyone. we are sorry youa re struggling. we are doing a lot of that too, and so we have not been writing here because we are afraid we would trigger or hurt someone else. we hopr you are able to get through it. we will keep you in thoughts and send positive energies. all of us — ~*~*~Do as you will, but harm none!~*~*~ ~*~*~Blessed Be!~*~*~
Response:
just a quickie to say i really dont need a reply to this. it helped a lot to be able to write some of this down last night. calmer this morning,was a tough night, but i managed to get back to bed and get some sleep without event. Many thanks just for you guys being here, my usual support system fell apart last night, and it helped more than i thought to write some of this down and helped me to get some of it out so i could sleep. thanks take care, f.
sorry for not answering earlier, we have not been able to offer much support to anyone. we are sorry youa re struggling. we are doing a lot of that too, and so we have not been writing here because we are afraid we would trigger or hurt someone else. we hopr you are able to get through it. we will keep you in thoughts and send positive energies. all of us — ~*~*~Do as you will, but harm none!~*~*~ ~*~*~Blessed Be!~*~*~
Response:
just a quickie to say i really dont need a reply to this. it helped a lot to be able to write some of this down last night. calmer this morning,was a tough night, but i managed to get back to bed and get some sleep without event. Many thanks just for you guys being here, my usual support system fell apart last night, and it helped more than i thought to write some of this down and helped me to get some of it out so i could sleep. thanks take care, f.
Response:
Just needing to talk. I’m really sinking and am desperate not to. Need to talk myself up and not let my feelings pull me down. I started taking St John’s Wort about a month ago and it’s the first anti-depressant that has had any effect – the trouble is depression has been a safe blanket to hide under whenever I couldn’t cope with feelings and now it’s been taken away there are times I just can’t stand it – and now is one of them!
I too am familiar with the sense that a numb, gray depression is far better than to have painful feelings. Spending twelve hours cramped on a very crowded bus, only to find that your presense is only being tolerated. Avoiding such feelings seems to be a blessing to be sought after. Intrusive, unpleasant feelings would seem to be a nasty part of ‘healing’ the dissociation. (Isn’t that the definition of dissociation? IE. Having feelings, physical sensations and understanding being separated from each other?) I offer my condolences to anyone that is suddenly discovering holiday depression and sadness. It’s a tough time… full of disapointments, sudden realizations that there is no acknoledgement of parts that are hungry for notice, surfacing of hurts long burried that return like the Sp*r*t of Hol*day to haunt you with horrors… I think the worst of it was un-packing my travel bag this morning and realizing that the only two gifts I recieved this season were gift cheques at the bookseller’s and the ticket to come visit. The gift cheques were waiting for me in a pile of post and came from none of the people that I visited. (I feel particularly sad and helpless when I looked at my oldest daughter and realized that she had grown more than six inches since the last time I’d seen her.) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t know what I’m feeling just that there is the most horrible churning of horrible feelings going on inside. I don’t know what or who they belong to and I don’t know what to *do* with them. I coped so well on *the* day, *no* feelings, then yesterday they crept up and grabbed me by the throat. My therp is great and says i can ring over the break, so I did yesterday ….brought a few of the feelings out…a few relieving tears but no real understanding as it was just a brief call. Today just woke *feeling*. Trying to take care of everyone but everyone is really down….perhaps the anti-climax espcially for the littles…but for me I’m glad it’s over. So why all the hopelessness and despair now? I guess that’s what the feelings are, plus a feeling that has been around quite a bit lately which I think is sadness. I don’t want to bug my therp by phoning again…..I know it would help but I feel too guilty…poor woman needs a break. She’s so good to me and most of the time I don’t feel anything about her…so why would phoning help? She always says she’ll tell me if I’m a pain….but I don’t want it to get to that. It will be ok to phone tomorrow if I need to.
Too tell the truth, I believe that the hopelessness and dispair is now safe to have. I mean, you can’t change what you did and there isn’t anything that will make it any better. (Therefor, it is safe to have the feelings. Being anxious and upset before might have also come with a sense of guilt or pain that was worse.) Feelings are real and reality is something that I’ve spent a great deal of time disconnected/dissociated from. As for talking to a therp or getting help with the feelings I offer some of Robin’s Rules: It is always appropriate to call a therp when you fear for the safety of yourself and others. However, if you’re not willing or able to admit your fears and accept help with them, calling probably won’t help. A feeling is a positive sign. It certainly may not be a pleasant one, but having a feeling is more healthy than having a grey nothingness. Having bad feelings is a connection with what is going on inside of you.) I mean, is there anybody here that hasn’t had a bad experience at this time of year? Connecting the feeling with this time of year is a positive step… Now look for the reasons. Enough rules… it’s a tough time of year and surviving the worst day(s) doesn’t magically make everything dealt with. If I want to be sad, I have plenty of reasons. First and formost, I can look at my bank-account verses my sense of satisfy from the gifts I gave and notice the difference. Not to be a Pollyanna, but maybe it’s time to look for a positive feeling. To be aware of the greater gifts of the season. I, for one, have a tough time doing this, but I’m going to try… I’m alive… there are a great many times that I don’t think this is a blessing, but it really is better than the alternative. I have the day… and as bad as I feel, I know there are people that feel both better and worse. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with what I’m feeling, but it allows me to bracket my feelings with the certain knowledge that I’ve survived worse and had better. I don’t know if that helps other people, but it’s one of the things I cling to. This is a time of miraculous giving… maybe we (me, myself and I) didn’t get what we would have liked, but we have the blessing of the day(s), life and the opportunity to search for our health, happiness and hope. I can’t say that it’s easy to have the hope and happiness that I see in others at this time of year, but I don’t have the depths of dispare and pain that I see either. Thought maybe writing might help…guess it’s helped me identify the feelings but also made me accutely aware that I can’t deal with them….espcially the sadness one.It’s too difficult with RL kids around…I have to appear OK. Perhaps I’m just too chicken for all this. I just can’t cope with feelings especially outside therapy. Then when I do have feelings in therapy I don’t *feel* them…The outward signs (tears, shaking etc) are there but *inside* I **feel*** nothing. I *know* what feelings feel like but bc I don’t often really *feel* them in therapy I just think I *put on/made up* all the pain, tho I never do so consciously,that I do know. So is any of it doing me any good? or am I just wasting everybody’s time? Am I just an incurable, miserable, hopeless depressive?
You are not ‘just’ anything… You’re alive, hurting and trying to deal with the pain. Three very valuable things. Staying alive is the key to healing, hurting is the key to discovering the cause of your pain and trying to deal with the pain is working towards healing. One of the key pieces of feeling depressed is a sense of futility and hopelessness. Miserable is sort of a bonus that comes with those feelings. Depression is curable. DID is curable. Holiday blues are survivable. You’re doing the best things possible, you’re acknowledging your feelings, accepting them and trying to go forward to something better. That is all you or any of us can do. Until you can settle back into a ‘normal’ routine, it’s likely that you’ll feel ‘out-of-sorts’, depressed or a host of negative feelings. Talking about them, acknowledging them as potentially threatening, thinking about alternatives that can help you master the worst of them and ‘just’ talking about them reduces their threat. They don’t suddenly vanish because it’s the 27th, just like the didn’t suddenly appear because it was the 23rd. They swell and ebb like the tide. The anticipation of horrors slowly build and slowly fade away. I hate this so much. I hate my life and I hate it that I can’t make it better on my own. I hate feeling *better* and then crashing like this again. There’s anger rolling around inside now too. I just hate this! Sorry for the rant…think it’s helped me find something like my blanket - the feelings are at least subdued. Thanks for listening. Having asd over the last few days has been *so* helpful. Having contact with others who are struggling and surviving really helps. I’ve never come across such a supportive group of ppl. Thanks to all of you….you make a real difference to our life. Take care everyone Frances – representative of the UnUnited Kingdom.
Thank you Frances, talking to you seems to help me put my own thoughts in order. I don’t believe there is a reason to apologise for the rant. (However, I do when I’ve ranted. It seems to be a hope that I can discharge the worst of the feelings before they explode and turn me into a victim again. It worked just often enough that I’ve kept the habit.) Misery loves company. I’d guess it’s not so miserable when it’s shared. It would seem that misery is divided and happiness is multiplied. Take care Robin (.
Response:
Just needing to talk. I’m really sinking and am desperate not to. Need to talk myself up and not let my feelings pull me down. I started taking St John’s Wort about a month ago and it’s the first anti-depressant that has had any effect – the trouble is depression has been a safe blanket to hide under whenever I couldn’t cope with feelings and now it’s been taken away there are times I just can’t stand it – and now is one of them! I don’t know what I’m feeling just that there is the most horrible churning of horrible feelings going on inside. I don’t know what or who they belong to and I don’t know what to *do* with them. I coped so well on *the* day, *no* feelings, then yesterday they crept up and grabbed me by the throat. My therp is great and says i can ring over the break, so I did yesterday ….brought a few of the feelings out…a few relieving tears but no real understanding as it was just a brief call. Today just woke *feeling*. Trying to take care of everyone but everyone is really down….perhaps the anti-climax espcially for the littles…but for me I’m glad it’s over. So why all the hopelessness and despair now? I guess that’s what the feelings are, plus a feeling that has been around quite a bit lately which I think is sadness. I don’t want to bug my therp by phoning again…..I know it would help but I feel too guilty…poor woman needs a break. She’s so good to me and most of the time I don’t feel anything about her…so why would phoning help? She always says she’ll tell me if I’m a pain….but I don’t want it to get to that. It will be ok to phone tomorrow if I need to. Thought maybe writing might help…guess it’s helped me identify the feelings but also made me accutely aware that I can’t deal with them….espcially the sadness one.It’s too difficult with RL kids around…I have to appear OK. Perhaps I’m just too chicken for all this. I just can’t cope with feelings especially outside therapy. Then when I do have feelings in therapy I don’t *feel* them…The outward signs (tears, shaking etc) are there but *inside* I **feel*** nothing. I *know* what feelings feel like but bc I don’t often really *feel* them in therapy I just think I *put on/made up* all the pain, tho I never do so consciously,that I do know. So is any of it doing me any good? or am I just wasting everybody’s time? Am I just an incurable, miserable, hopeless depressive? I hate this so much. I hate my life and I hate it that I can’t make it better on my own. I hate feeling *better* and then crashing like this again. There’s anger rolling around inside now too. I just hate this! Sorry for the rant…think it’s helped me find something like my blanket - the feelings are at least subdued. Thanks for listening. Having asd over the last few days has been *so* helpful. Having contact with others who are struggling and surviving really helps. I’ve never come across such a supportive group of ppl. Thanks to all of you….you make a real difference to our life. Take care everyone Frances – representative of the UnUnited Kingdom.
Response:
Much support and encouragement snipped but rather at random bc I’m really indescisive right now. To be aware of the greater gifts of the – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -season. I, for one, have a tough time doing this, but I’m going to try… I’m alive… there are a great many times that I don’t think this is a blessing, but it really is better than the alternative. I have the day… and as bad as I feel, I know there are people that feel both better and worse. That doesn’t make it any easier to deal with what I’m feeling, but it allows me to bracket my feelings with the certain knowledge that I’ve survived worse and had better. I don’t know if that helps other people, but it’s one of the things I cling to. This is a time of miraculous giving… maybe we (me, myself and I) didn’t get what we would have liked, but we have the blessing of the day(s), life and the opportunity to search for our health, happiness and hope. I can’t say that it’s easy to have the hope and happiness that I see in others at this time of year, but I don’t have the depths of dispare and pain that I see either. Thought maybe writing might help…guess it’s helped me identify the feelings but also made me accutely aware that I can’t deal with them….espcially the sadness one.It’s too difficult with RL kids around…I have to appear OK. Perhaps I’m just too chicken for all this. I just can’t cope with feelings especially outside therapy. Then when I do have feelings in therapy I don’t *feel* them…The outward signs (tears, shaking etc) are there but *inside* I **feel*** nothing. I *know* what feelings feel like but bc I don’t often really *feel* them in therapy I just think I *put on/made up* all the pain, tho I never do so consciously,that I do know. So is any of it doing me any good? or am I just wasting everybody’s time? Am I just an incurable, miserable, hopeless depressive? You are not ‘just’ anything… You’re alive, hurting and trying to deal with the pain. Three very valuable things. Staying alive is the key to healing, hurting is the key to discovering the cause of your pain and trying to deal with the pain is working towards healing. One of the key pieces of feeling depressed is a sense of futility and hopelessness. Miserable is sort of a bonus that comes with those feelings. Depression is curable. DID is curable. Holiday blues are survivable. You’re doing the best things possible, you’re acknowledging your feelings, accepting them and trying to go forward to something better. That is all you or any of us can do. Until you can settle back into a ‘normal’ routine, it’s likely that you’ll feel ‘out-of-sorts’, depressed or a host of negative feelings. Talking about them, acknowledging them as potentially threatening, thinking about alternatives that can help you master the worst of them and ‘just’ talking about them reduces their threat. They don’t suddenly vanish because it’s the 27th, just like the didn’t suddenly appear because it was the 23rd. They swell and ebb like the tide. The anticipation of horrors slowly build and slowly fade away. I hate this so much. I hate my life and I hate it that I can’t make it better on my own. I hate feeling *better* and then crashing like this again. There’s anger rolling around inside now too. I just hate this! Sorry for the rant…think it’s helped me find something like my blanket - the feelings are at least subdued. Thanks for listening. Having asd over the last few days has been *so* helpful. Having contact with others who are struggling and surviving really helps. I’ve never come across such a supportive group of ppl. Thanks to all of you….you make a real difference to our life. Take care everyone Frances – representative of the UnUnited Kingdom. Thank you Frances, talking to you seems to help me put my own thoughts in order. I don’t believe there is a reason to apologise for the rant. (However, I do when I’ve ranted. It seems to be a hope that I can discharge the worst of the feelings before they explode and turn me into a victim again. It worked just often enough that I’ve kept the habit.) Misery loves company. I’d guess it’s not so miserable when it’s shared. It would seem that misery is divided and happiness is multiplied. Take care Robin (.
Hi Robin, So glad you’re safe and still around. I hadn’t realised how dependent – in a *healthy* way I believe, I have become on seeing some of you on asd – and it was only when you weren’t around it hit me and I got really worried. It really scared me thinking – if something happens to those i’ve come to care about I may never know. Knowing how difficult this time is for ppl and how negative my thinking has been at times made me really fear losing ppl like you. Having you around is a great sorce of comfort. Thanks for your lengthy response to my post. I’m glad you survived your visit to your kids…..sad you only got two *gifts* but greatly appreciate the *gifts* you pointed out that we have already: life and the day etc. I’m not in a good place at the moment for appreciating those but it never hurts to be reminded that they are gifts I have. I don’t know what’s going on for me at the moment. I so seldom cry outside of therapy and when I cry there I deny it hurts. I know it will end when I get up and leave so maybe it’s *safe*. Last night I found myself dying to go to bed so I could cry. I was sad bc my youngest daughter kept saying "are you alright Mum? Promise me you won’t kill yourself." I *NEVER* talk or even hint at such but she seems to read my thoughts sometimes. Also my older daughter came in at ten thirty pm having spent most of the hols at her boyfriend’s house and I made some horrible comment about feeling like a hotel…she’s only being normal and yet i couldn’t stop myself…Frances, my inner teenager is really envious of both my kids and sometimes her sulks and anger are just too apparant and I can’t take back the reins….and then I hate myself for it. I ended up lying in bed and crying for half an hour until the *aloneness* hit me and the fear behind it was too big and I managed to shut down and sleep a night of nightmares instead. It was horribly painful……all this *feeling* business a seems to be so painful…..for someone who doesn’t feel pain or doesn’t often believe she does that’s quite an admission. What is happening to me? Much of the time I don’t even believe I’m dissociative…..until I start *associating*. Anyway, thank you Robin for your support and comfort….it made me cry yet again but I feel better for it. Take care Frances (NO IT’S NOT IT’S JUST *MY* NAME ON IT!) – sorry *I* (Camille) hide behind Frances’s name – and she is very fed up right now. fpollowing just to fool my ISP a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a
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Hi Frances, Just needing to talk. I’m really sinking and am desperate not to. Need to talk myself up and not let my feelings pull me down. I started taking St John’s Wort about a month ago and it’s the first anti-depressant that has had any effect – the trouble is depression has been a safe blanket to hide under whenever I couldn’t cope with feelings and now it’s been taken away there are times I just can’t stand it – and now is one of them!
Yes I understand… The comfort of depression… Although one whinges about it and wants desperatley to get undepressed for want of a better word, when I am not _feeling_ any-thing and can just curl up in bed for days on end there is a kind of safety there…. and those awful feelings are not there as well, although depression has it’s own h*ll….. I can’t really remember my feelings when I am deeply depressed, just remember the safety of lying in bed, but I know it’s horrible so I don’t want to swap it for the feeling stage although you feel like you are going crazy and the anxiety is at it’s peak….. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I don’t know what I’m feeling just that there is the most horrible churning of horrible feelings going on inside. I don’t know what or who they belong to and I don’t know what to *do* with them. I coped so well on *the* day, *no* feelings, then yesterday they crept up and grabbed me by the throat. My therp is great and says i can ring over the break, so I did yesterday ….brought a few of the feelings out…a few relieving tears but no real understanding as it was just a brief call. Today just woke *feeling*. Trying to take care of everyone but everyone is really down….perhaps the anti-climax espcially for the littles…but for me I’m glad it’s over. So why all the hopelessness and despair now? I guess that’s what the feelings are, plus a feeling that has been around quite a bit lately which I think is sadness. I don’t want to bug my therp by phoning again…..I know it would help but I feel too guilty…poor woman needs a break. She’s so good to me and most of the time I don’t feel anything about her…so why would phoning help? She always says she’ll tell me if I’m a pain….but I don’t want it to get to that. It will be ok to phone tomorrow if I need to.
Glad you rang your therapist… Seems to me that you are having a very difficult and painful time at present and need much support…. Ring her tomorrow if you need to..You are dealing with over-whelming feelings… very scarey…. very lonely… very hard… but we are here for you ….. really….. Thought maybe writing might help…guess it’s helped me identify the feelings but also made me accutely aware that I can’t deal with them….espcially the sadness one.It’s too difficult with RL kids around…I have to appear OK. Perhaps I’m just too chicken for all this. I just can’t cope with feelings especially outside therapy. Then when I do have feelings in therapy I don’t *feel* them…The outward signs (tears, shaking etc) are there but *inside* I **feel*** nothing. I *know* what feelings feel like but bc I don’t often really *feel* them in therapy I just think I *put on/made up* all the pain, tho I never do so consciously,that I do know. So is any of it doing me any good? or am I just wasting everybody’s time? Am I just an incurable, miserable, hopeless depressive?
Yes it’s hard being a Mum when we are in such a state… I can relate most def with that…. Is it possible for some-one to take care of your kids just for a little while so as you can have some time out??? Just some time for yourself to rest or cry or rage or scream or what-ever???? And _no_, you are not wasting any-ones time and you are not a miserable, hopeless depressive…. From what I’ve read from your posts, you are a caring, loving, giving and couragous woman for whom I have much respect….. depression and the feelings and all the confusion is just the normal part of deep, deep processing….. frightening…… actually terrifying….. but you are moving forward….. just keep posting… keep breathing…. keep typing….. one day at a time…. a minute at a time….. try to be gentle with yourself as if you are talking to your very best friend on earth…. Oh… I know it’s hard…. very hard… but perhaps reading these words may offer you some support…. I don’t know… when in this place myself I tend to panic and go like mad running around chasing my tail and thinking that it will never end….. But it does… it does…. it’s the old onion analogy once again…. layer upon layer…… and every time it comes back… it hurts or seems to hurt more…. but as you heal…. it takes less time to come out from under the barrage of emotions and feelings….. baby steps Frances…. you are fragile and vulnerable… don’t be too hard on yourself….. please…… I hate this so much. I hate my life and I hate it that I can’t make it better on my own. I hate feeling *better* and then crashing like this again. There’s anger rolling around inside now too. I just hate this!
Yes… there is anger….. let it out… shout… scream….. write…… and some other ideas that I am sure you have read here before….. allow yourself to express this inner anger… write here…… let it out. …… and I agree crashing s*cks… 
Sorry for the rant…think it’s helped me find something like my blanket - the feelings are at least subdued. Thanks for listening. Having asd over the last few days has been *so* helpful. Having contact with others who are struggling and surviving really helps. I’ve never come across such a supportive group of ppl. Thanks to all of you….you make a real difference to our life. Take care everyone
You make a difference to my life too Frances…. I just wanted to let you know that…. This is true…. you have helped me many times… as have the other wonderful people in asdis……. Please take care of yourself…… gently does it…. gently….. Sending you warm thoughts and safety, — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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All snipped….just wanted to say thank you for your caring….it was heard …it was felt…..it was appreciated. Tough times for many right now. Take care and good luck with the therp business. Keep us posted. Camille – writing for herself for a change and trying hard to handle the UnUnited Kingdom
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