Depression Learning

REPOST: Re: Thursday, 12/27

Question:

Well, she started out doubtfully, then improved (unless I confuse things). So perhaps she sees sense again. Something I find helps when I go down quickly is to set out the causes rather detachedly, like x + y happened in RL and my reaction to that is z. Realizing how huge the negative leverage is can be useful. (z can still be a reasonable reaction to general circumstances, but not to x + y) ***

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have a massive headache and I’ve only been up for an hour. I will call my therapist soon and see if there’s anything left of our working relationship.  I’m not going to do the relative-contact thing, period.  If she is going to continue to assault my defenses like a steamroller, I’m done.  These defenses are the result of years of pain.  They can’t be knocked down in an afternoon like an old building.  I’m also not going to be pressured to move faster into friendships than I am prepared to go.  The people I’m being steered toward are depressed and marginally functional.  Already I’ve detected signs of "I want your strength and advice but I’m not going to make any effort to return it".  Do you think a one of ‘em called on Xmas, _knowing I was facing it alone_?   _No one_ called on Xmas.  Says a lot, don’t you think? If this stance gets me accused of "self-punishing isolation", I’m done, and I’m done with a big Fuck You.   I DON’T THINK IT’S SELFISH TO SAY I NEED ALL MY STRENGTH FOR MYSELF.  Matter of fact, I could use some borrowed strength from others. The ex did not get here yesterday with the sound system, one of the few things I’ve been looking forward to.  He was up to his ears in business and medical stuff yesterday.  I need money, too, that he promised.  I’ll ask him to not repeat his I Got Tons Of Stuff for Xmas list.  He may not be aware of how much it hurts.  Or he might…  We were talking up until last week, when I mentioned that I can be his friend for life but would never want him back as a partner.  He isn’t happy where he is.   He can be passive-aggressive.  He knows I need that money and that I’ve spent the holidays alone.  It wouldn’t be unheard of for him to "punish" me by withholding the sound system and money for days. I am dangerously close to giving up and making plans to end everything.  I need RL _help_, support and borrowed strength.  In the background is always the terrible longing to be loved, it will have to stay in the background.  I’ll give back whatever I’m given, but I’m not going to allow myself to be drained, insulted or pushed farther than I can go. I’m losing hope that any meaningful, useful help may be possible. — chimera:  learned a lot, a lot to learn all i want to be is human.

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Response:

pain.  They can’t be knocked down in an afternoon like an old building.

I find it interesting to see you fight so hard against someone who, it seems to me, is asking things of you that no one has asked in a very long time. I don’t mean to sound as if this is a trivial matter for you, I know it isn’t.  But I’ve never seen you respond like this, which makes me think there’s a lot of terror in there somewhere.  I have no doubt your reasons for not wanting to step onto the family path are good and legitimate – personally I think your therp is barking up the wrong tree, but I’m not the one seeing her – and I don’t have any suggestions as to how to make clear your point.  Wish I did. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that it might be worthwhile to try and stick with this chick – assuming you can work out this whole family thing with her – cuz she sounds like she might be usefull. *hug* Dryad Path: news.sol.net!spool0-nwblwi.newsops.execpc.com!newsfeeds.sol.net!news-out.vi si.com!hermes.visi.com!nycmny1-snh1.gtei.net!cpk-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!ne ws.gtei.net!newsfeed1.cidera.com!Cidera!feed1.newsreader.com!netnews.com!ne wspeer.cwnet.com!sjc1.nntp.concentric.net!newsfeed.concentric.net!newsfeed. ozemail.com.au!ozemail.com.au!not-for-mail Newsgroups: alt.support.depression X-No-Archive: yes Lines: 2 NNTP-Posting-Host: wonenara.ozemail.com.au Organization: OzEmail Ltd, Australia Distribution: world This message was cancelled from within Mozilla.

Response:

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