Depression Learning

maybe I'm choosing this

Question:

That made perfect sense to me, although I’ve never been suicidal. <

Response:

Geez, me too, but it can get bearable with therapy and medicine. I never = would have believed this a few years ago. I’m pushing 38 years old now = and decided to open up to therapy and psychiatry and, buddy, it helps A = LOT.

good, I have a hard time with meds.  I’m planning on trying to find yet another therapist, we changed insurances in Jan. and they still don’t have me in their system to find one.  Keeping my fingers crossed I "click" with whoever they tell me I can go to. You never need to shut up. Talk all you want. You’re among friends in = this newsgroup and I betcha you’re valued in many other areas of your = life.

I honestly do whine and gripe too much here as well as in my home life.  I fear that people if they aren’t already are tired of it will be soon.   Start slow. You’re communicating in a safe place to share your hurt. All = of us here are at some point on a continuum dealing with our depression. Take good care of yourself,

Thanks Todd.  I hope things continue to look up for you. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Todd

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Check this out: http://www.oprah.com/phil/weight/phil_weight_why.html The show was about overweight people, but when the Dr. kept asking people "What’s the payoff?" it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know I am getting a "payoff" by being and acting depressed. It gets me out of things I don’t want to do. Which is a LOT of things. It gets sympathy from my husband, parents, etc and when people get frustrated with me, I can say "Ha, they ARE jerks after all.") It’s the reason I give for all the bad/stupid/thoughtless/horrible things I’ve done in my life. It numbs me so I don’t have to face painful emotions. (but then I miss out on joyful ones, too.) There’s more but I can’t think hard enough to write them. Is knowing there is  a "payoff" to being depressed enough to make me want to change?  I haven’t figured that far yet. The meds help, but it is really too easy to cling to what’s familiar, as someone else on this group posted.

This makes sense to me. I’ve been thinking along these lines for a while, but it’s not a clear-cut dichotomy. In other words, I’m not depressed "just because" there are a few things made easier by that fact; I’m depressed, and then, in addition, there’s a bit of a payoff, and that’s part of what keeps the cycle going. When I get really down and suicidal, I turn inward in this way that gives me access to part of myself that I otherwise don’t get to feel. It’s certainly possible that if I weren’t depressed and more functional I’d have access to that part of me, but as it stands, this is the only way I get to see this thing. What is it? It’s hard to say, but it’s kind of like a core of my being that seems, somehow, authentically and in the last instance me. It’s what I imagine people who don’t know what we’re talking about when we say we’re depressed get to feel when they’re in love, or elated, or feeling centered. So even though it’s horribly and maybe even dangerously painful to go to the depths I get to, there is a return that, even though it never balances out in the end in terms of the payoff gained for the pain suffered, affords me the smallest bit of insight. And right now that insight is the only thing that’s keeping me alive. Sorry this is long. It’s my first post… t

Response:

Wanting to be happy, ya know the pursuit of it is my constitutional right.

It’s both your constitutional right and a personal right for everyone. pursuing, not getting very far.  I’m either stressed, angry or depressed or a combination of all 3.

Geez, me too, but it can get bearable with therapy and medicine. I never would have believed this a few years ago. I’m pushing 38 years old now and decided to open up to therapy and psychiatry and, buddy, it helps A LOT. I really need to shut up and stop posting.  Maybe I would get something done besides looking at how pathetic my existance is.

You never need to shut up. Talk all you want. You’re among friends in this newsgroup and I betcha you’re valued in many other areas of your life. Start slow. You’re communicating in a safe place to share your hurt. All of us here are at some point on a continuum dealing with our depression. Take good care of yourself, Todd

Response:

It’s sort of like how I explain suicide.  I don’t believe that anyone ever really WANTS to die.  They want the PAIN to end and it’s *currently* the only solution they can SEE.  But if they could *see* a solution that would end the pain and let them live, I have NO doubt that they’d choose that.  (this refers to people with a certain level of sanity) Sometimes I really do want to die.  I’m not the most sane person

though. i’m not sure which one i want.  i want to escape from life, and, at the same time, the i find the prospect of ceasing to exist to be terrifying. diana

Response:

I can’t say how often I’ve thought the same thing about myself.  Just recently, in fact. Uhhh, yesterday????  I mean, I have been depressed most of my life.  Maybe this is just normal for me, and there is no relief, no getting better.   Maybe getting better scares me, and feels weird or wrong, and I somehow sabotage my happiness?

*nod* oops, sorry, went off on a "me" tangent.  Anyway, sympathies.

no ’sorry’ needed, I do it alot.  It helps me to know that I’m not the only one struggling and feeling the things that I’m feeling.   I hope life eases for you soon Heather.  

Response:

It’s sort of like how I explain suicide.  I don’t believe that anyone ever really WANTS to die.  They want the PAIN to end and it’s *currently* the only solution they can SEE.  But if they could *see* a solution that would end the pain and let them live, I have NO doubt that they’d choose that.  (this refers to people with a certain level of sanity)

Sometimes I really do want to die.  I’m not the most sane person though.   Only you can know that.  And sometimes you won’t know that except in retrospect.

I see my life ticking away.  I’m in my 30’s and don’t want to finally reach "it" whatever the hell "it" is, when I’m at the end of my life.   I don’t know.  I could die tomorrow in a car accident too.  i could ramble endlessly too.  

Response:

It gets me out of things I don’t want to do. Which is a LOT of things. It gets sympathy from my husband, parents, etc and when people get frustrated with me, I can say "Ha, they ARE jerks after all.") It’s the reason I give for all the bad/stupid/thoughtless/horrible things I’ve done in my life. It numbs me so I don’t have to face painful emotions. (but then I miss out on joyful ones, too.)

yes I’m too guilty of all of the above. I don’t like it either, not to the point where I fully stop it.   There’s more but I can’t think hard enough to write them. Is knowing there is  a "payoff" to being depressed enough to make me want to change?  I haven’t figured that far yet.

I want to, change is very hard.  Overwhelmingly hard.  Some difficult decisions in the whole process of it all too. The meds help, but it is really too easy to cling to what’s – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -familiar, as someone else on this group posted.

Response:

When I feel pathetic, which is more often than I care to admit, I try to look further and reach higher.  As long as I can hold out hope I will not give up. Hang in there, Aware1

Thanks, sorely lacking on the hope today.  But hanging in there.  

Response:

Check this out: http://www.oprah.com/phil/weight/phil_weight_why.html The show was about overweight people, but when the Dr. kept asking people "What’s the payoff?" it hit me like a ton of bricks. I know I am getting a "payoff" by being and acting depressed. It gets me out of things I don’t want to do. Which is a LOT of things. It gets sympathy from my husband, parents, etc and when people get frustrated with me, I can say "Ha, they ARE jerks after all.") It’s the reason I give for all the bad/stupid/thoughtless/horrible things I’ve done in my life. It numbs me so I don’t have to face painful emotions. (but then I miss out on joyful ones, too.) There’s more but I can’t think hard enough to write them. Is knowing there is  a "payoff" to being depressed enough to make me want to change?  I haven’t figured that far yet. The meds help, but it is really too easy to cling to what’s familiar, as someone else on this group posted.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Wanting to be happy, ya know the pursuit of it is my constitutional right. I’m pursuing, not getting very far.  I’m either stressed, angry or depressed or a combination of all 3.  Maybe deep down I don’t want to be happy and that’s the why I am here.  I don’t want this to be the case.  People get used to the familiar and depression is a familiar feeling, one I know all too well. Moments of happiness maybe weren’t comfortable, not what I’m used to. Maybe I want the familiar and undermine my own happiness.  I dunno. I really need to shut up and stop posting.  Maybe I would get something done besides looking at how pathetic my existance is.

Response:

Wanting to be happy, ya know the pursuit of it is my constitutional right.  I’m pursuing, not getting very far.  I’m either stressed, angry or depressed or a combination of all 3.  Maybe deep down I don’t want to be happy and that’s the why I am here.  I don’t want this to be the case.  People get used to the familiar and depression is a familiar feeling, one I know all too well. Moments of happiness maybe weren’t comfortable, not what I’m used to.  Maybe I want the familiar and undermine my own happiness.  I dunno.   I really need to shut up and stop posting.  Maybe I would get something done besides looking at how pathetic my existance is.  

Response:

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