Depression Learning

Lonely

Question:

"Warlock" <witc…@suck.com> wrote in message <news:bcnsid$kqhne$[email protected]>… > "PatUunya" <PatUu…@hotmail.com> wrote > | I’m a real fun addition to the group aren’t I? > you’re a real addition to the group.  fun?  i certainly enjoy reading your > posts.  i look forward to seeing them.  that’s fun.

I’m sorry but that is too sweet to even be true.  Nobody likes a whiner.  I’m a whiner.  I really appreciate you making me feel OK. I’m at the brink of losing it.  I’m not looking for pity, I just don’t know waht to do any more.  Thank you very much! Pat

Response:

Veronika <veronikalind…@hotmail.com> wrote in message <news:bco5ke$kkda3$[email protected]>… > PatUu…@hotmail.com (PatUunya) wrote in > news:[email protected]: > > I’m a real > > fun addition to the group aren’t I? > Yes you are (not kidding! )

And you too are being too sweet.  The bottom line is I’m a miserable cow, but thanks for making me feel I matter.  :) Pat

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -nakedlightb…@aol.comyourself (Diana DeLuna) wrote in message <news:[email protected]>… > >I’m lonely all the time. > >I feel in the way of my roommate even if I do > >things to help and I’m easy to live with I just feel likee such a > >bother and such an idiot.   This woman comes over sometimes and she is > >so sure of herself and together and I feel she looks at me like I"m > >Cinderella.   > What is your relationship to this roommate of yours?  Was he (I THINK you once > mentioned it’s a male) a friend who knew you before your relationship fell > apart with The Pig?  Was he someone who took you in out of the kindness of his > heart, and reminds you of that with daily guilt trips?  He may be giving you a > place to stay, but from everything you’ve said he certainly doesn’t sound like > he’s making you feel very welcome or comfortable.  No wonder you feel lonely. > (

Such a long miserable story and you know it’s hard for me to share it.  You have it figured pretty well.  He knew pig but was my friend first.   When pig started all the trouble he stood by me.  Everyone else stood by pig.  How could ANYONE stand by pig?  It is amazing what people will choose to believe even when the facts are right up their butts.  He was busted and ruined lives and some forever!  Poor kids    My friend took me in but I’m sure mostly becausee I had nowhere to go.  I know he cares but it’s probably pity and I don’t want pity.  He tries to be good but when you think about it I’m a big inconvenince even if I help out and things.  He’s the moody type so I’m always on guard.  I don’t want to belittel his kindness but it is just hard and probably harder on him.  I"m a burden.  Pardon my constant slop in here.  You guys and your concern sure means a lot, I only wish you were here  with me always.   I’ve been having suicidal thoughts I hate to admit. Pat – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –

Response:

>I’m lonely all the time. >I feel in the way of my roommate even if I do >things to help and I’m easy to live with I just feel likee such a >bother and such an idiot.   This woman comes over sometimes and she is >so sure of herself and together and I feel she looks at me like I"m >Cinderella.  

What is your relationship to this roommate of yours?  Was he (I THINK you once mentioned it’s a male) a friend who knew you before your relationship fell apart with The Pig?  Was he someone who took you in out of the kindness of his heart, and reminds you of that with daily guilt trips?  He may be giving you a place to stay, but from everything you’ve said he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s making you feel very welcome or comfortable.  No wonder you feel lonely. ( Diana "Of the Moon"

Response:

PatUu…@hotmail.com (PatUunya) wrote in news:[email protected]: > I’m a real > fun addition to the group aren’t I?

Yes you are (not kidding! )

Response:

"PatUunya" <PatUu…@hotmail.com> wrote | I’m a real fun addition to the group aren’t I? you’re a real addition to the group.  fun?  i certainly enjoy reading your posts.  i look forward to seeing them.  that’s fun.

Response:

I’m lonely all the time.  Everyone else seems so situated but I’m always lonely.  I don’t really feel of any value.  Is this normal or am I a complete waste?  I feel in the way of my roommate even if I do things to help and I’m easy to live with I just feel likee such a bother and such an idiot.   This woman comes over sometimes and she is so sure of herself and together and I feel she looks at me like I"m Cinderella.  I keep trying to tell myself this will pass and I keep trying to just hang on but really there is not much for me.   I don’t have friends and feel like such an outcast.  I just wish I had someone who understood.  I wish I could go out and have some fun.  I’m a real fun addition to the group aren’t I?      I’m sorry. Pat

Response:

Thanks, Kev.  I researched some web sites for you (I’m avoiding housework, so it was my pleasure). –Tez On Tue, 26 Sep 2000 20:26:22 +0100, Cranky Kev – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<Ke…@ZZZquadlingk.fsnet.co.uk> wrote: >I love reading your posts. Don’t hold back, let it all out. I just >wish I could do the same sometimes. >Kev

Response:

Very very lonely.  Haven’t had the heart to make new friends, and besides, you can’t force or rush those things.   The last time I saw my father (mid July) he sort of was invalidating…on the defensive. I have been feeling very unparented (my whole life).  Therapist agrees.  My parents are so flaky, and I can’t even smile about it now.  Having said that, my last phone conversation with my mother went well…she didn’t hurt my feelings, lecture, or tell me "I told you you’d have a hard time in your life if you married him and you guys never went to college, blah blah blah…" I feel myself coming back to life, and that’s good.  Once the Prozac was kind of kicking in I remember a distinct new feeling…that of having *found* myself within, and I even looked different to myself when I looked in the mirror.  I was *all there,* body and spirit.  It was interesting, and felt good. The weather has taken a drastic turn, and it is REALLY Fall…rain, and it snowed on the top half of the mountains today…always makes me feel like there is an incredible energy in the air. I love Fall.  Made soup and cornbread, German chocolate cake.  What diet?  Actually had to turn on the heater once the sun went down, wow. So, yeah, feeling lonely and wanting to reach out to everyone, which beats all the isolating I’ve been doing, but I feel foolish calling everyone up just to blab…everyone is so busy…well, no, I called a gal from class and the conversation went well, yay.  And, I seem to be doing ok. Therapy was interesting.  Told my therapist that it finally sunk in that he always said "I think you are *attached* to your husband." Attached.  He always used that word, never love.  I understand.  I know what he means.  I am afraid to love him very much, and all the overattaching I do to other people and daydreaming etc just helps me to keep emotional distance from my husband.  I’m not going to do that anymore.  My husband loves me, and is a safe person for me to love, and I can let myself feel all the love and vulnerability for him that I can.  It’s strange…as soon as I feel a lot of love toward him, I panic and start to withdraw again.  Maddening.  I don’t want to do that anymore, there is so much potential for this marriage. Wooo, sorry to go on and on about that, but I just felt the need to get some things down.  I hate it when I have post after post in a row, makes me feel self-indulgent and self-conscious like I think I have so much to say to people.  Nice to have this group of excellent people to get support and feedback from. –Tezza

Response:

Tezza wrote in message …

(minor snips) >Very very lonely.  Haven’t had the heart to make new friends, and >besides, you can’t force or rush those things. >The weather has taken a drastic turn, and it is REALLY Fall…rain, >and it snowed on the top half of the mountains today…always makes me >feel like there is an incredible energy in the air. I love Fall.  Made >soup and cornbread, German chocolate cake.  What diet?  Actually had >to turn on the heater once the sun went down, wow.

I love fall too. My favorite time of year.. symbolically a time for culling your past and taking stock of what you’re going to do the following year, for me at least. I always feel like there’s a chance, if I can just figure out how, to make things right in my life in the fall. >So, yeah, feeling lonely and wanting to reach out to everyone, which >beats all the isolating I’ve been doing, but I feel foolish calling >everyone up just to blab…everyone is so busy…well, no, I called a >gal from class and the conversation went well, yay.  And, I seem to be >doing ok.

No need to feel foolish, everyone gets lonely, and sometimes the most memorable conversations come from just ‘blab’. >Therapy was interesting.  Told my therapist that it finally sunk in >that he always said "I think you are *attached* to your husband." >Attached.  He always used that word, never love.  I understand.  I >know what he means.  I am afraid to love him very much, and all the >overattaching I do to other people and daydreaming etc just helps me >to keep emotional distance from my husband.  I’m not going to do that >anymore.  My husband loves me, and is a safe person for me to love, >and I can let myself feel all the love and vulnerability for him that >I can.  It’s strange…as soon as I feel a lot of love toward him, I >panic and start to withdraw again.  Maddening.  I don’t want to do >that anymore, there is so much potential for this marriage.

Heh, I can empathize. You want so much to care about this person and there’s this voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you there must be something wrong if this person is willing to be with you, so you pull back and end up distancing yourself from those who could most help you. Love is the most powerful and ill-understood emotion we have, and opening ourselves up to it also leaves us wide open to being hurt. The chance is always there, but the potential for good is there also. >Wooo, sorry to go on and on about that, but I just felt the need to >get some things down.  I hate it when I have post after post in a row, >makes me feel self-indulgent and self-conscious like I think I have so >much to say to people.  Nice to have this group of excellent people to >get support and feedback from.

I think you have to say what you really think and feel, good or bad. If nothing else, it’s honest dialogue and for myself, not speaking for anyone else, I think that while we may not love ourselves too much, we can at least be honest with ourselves and each other. Besides, if we didn’t feel a lot of the things you’re talking about, we wouldn’t be in this newsgroup in the first place. You definately sound better, more.. I dunno.. at peace with yourself I guess. That’s never a bad thing.. Buck —–= Posted via Newsfeeds.Com, Uncensored Usenet News =—– http://www.newsfeeds.com – The #1 Newsgroup Service in the World! —–==  Over 80,000 Newsgroups – 16 Different Servers! =—–

Response:

In article <djoqss0t1h0sdmie9vjdk49557jmr5a…@4ax.com>,   Tezza <duval…@hotmail.com> wrote: (snip) > I feel myself coming back to life, and that’s good.  Once the Prozac > was kind of kicking in I remember a distinct new feeling…that of > having *found* myself within, and I even looked different to myself > when I looked in the mirror.  I was *all there,* body and spirit.  It > was interesting, and felt good. > –Tezza

Hm. Could you have something significant here? Might want to try staying on the Prozac and letting those "feeling" develop. Or should I say, "new neuropathways" develop … Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.

Response:

On Sun, 24 Sep 2000 07:56:30 -0400, "Buck Wyld" <n…@this.address> wrote: >I love fall too. My favorite time of year.. symbolically a time for culling >your past and taking stock of what you’re going to do the following year, >for me at least. I always feel like there’s a chance, if I can just figure >out how, to make things right in my life in the fall.

Yes, I always feel like it’s a renewal time, almost more than spring. Clear out the old, freeze over, and start new come spring.   >No need to feel foolish, everyone gets lonely, and sometimes the most >memorable conversations come from just ‘blab’.

I’m trying. >Heh, I can empathize. You want so much to care about this person and there’s >this voice in the back of your head that keeps telling you there must be >something wrong if this person is willing to be with you, so you pull back >and end up distancing yourself from those who could most help you. Love is >the most powerful and ill-understood emotion we have, and opening ourselves >up to it also leaves us wide open to being hurt. The chance is always there, >but the potential for good is there also.

I always get disappointed.  What book or article said that…something about being sure to disappoint a Borderline…heh.  Black and white, good/bad thinking.  Still needing to work on seeing people as *whole*. But, I know it is fear of being hurt or left eventually that keeps me from getting close, or scared once I feel close.  I agree with what you said. >I think you have to say what you really think and feel, good or bad. If >nothing else, it’s honest dialogue and for myself, not speaking for anyone >else, I think that while we may not love ourselves too much, we can at least >be honest with ourselves and each other. Besides, if we didn’t feel a lot of >the things you’re talking about, we wouldn’t be in this newsgroup in the >first place. You definately sound better, more.. I dunno.. at peace with >yourself I guess. That’s never a bad thing..

I feel better, though might be having a hard time holding onto feeling secure.  Today I feel like if I don’t start doing art again I will not feel good.  Musn’t abandon that part of me that needs to create, but it can be hard to make the time.  Three year olds have a way of needing you  :-) Thanks, Buck. –Tez

Response:

I’d like to post a new thread titled "Tired," but am also tired of seeing post after post of mine piling up.  Doh! It’s nearly 12:30 am and I just finished a paper due tomorrow.  Really dragged on this one because I just didn’t warm up to the topic.  Did it though, ta da.  I don’t want to procrastinate again, though I did start brainstorming for it over the weekend.  Now I feel brain damaged from the effort of churning out a nearly b.s. paper.  Lesson:  the papers I prepare for and put more effort into are actually easier to write. Also, it helps to care about the topic. This paper was mostly objective…subjective is much easier, eh?  It wasn’t all about me either, so it was hard to like   ;-P –Tez

Response:

I would also like to add to my comments below.  Every time I get back on Prozac I experience a change like this, and while this time it felt good, today I felt the old feeling I "don’t" like when I find myself again.  Ok, so I exist now, and am fully aware of how much weight I’ve gained (was too depressed and "ill" to care before), and there is that feeling of an arrow pointing to exactly what is wrong with me. Happens every time, and I hope to deal with it better this time. maybe it’s just too damn scary to suddenly exist every time it happens; get so used to moving between the light and air, and am not used to breathing.   ok, yeah, it’s late and I’m rambling. G’night, –Tez On Sat, 23 Sep 2000 20:30:44 -0600, Tezza <duval…@hotmail.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I feel myself coming back to life, and that’s good.  Once the Prozac >was kind of kicking in I remember a distinct new feeling…that of >having *found* myself within, and I even looked different to myself >when I looked in the mirror.  I was *all there,* body and spirit.  It >was interesting, and felt good.

Response:

Hi, Tezza Whenever you look at the scales, think of me. I am fat. Really fat. ‘People’ say that when one is depressed one stops eating. Well, I don’t. I go on a tremendous binge. In just four days last week I put on 6lb. I am at least 36lb overweight and I hate it. I must be on my fifth diet this year. I managed to lose 24lb in the Spring but then promptly put it back on. I have begged my GP to give me something but she simply says ‘walk’. Well, when I had two dogs, I did, several miles each day to get the newspaper, but now my wife has got rid of them I can’t be bothered. Talking of my GP, I picked up a bulky packet yesterday from the surgery for my new doctor, whoever that may be, when I move at the end of this week. As the envelope was addressed to me, I told Teresa she could open it providing she didn’t tell me the contents. Apparently, the GP letter is fine, but she took great exception – livid is the best description – to a copy of a letter from my psychiatrist and his comments about Teresa. I have copied everything in duplicate in case I can put them to good use in due course – but I still have not read. Nor am I going to. Honest. When my new GP asks whether I have – it is obvious the envelope has been opened and resealed – I want to be able to tell him truthfully that I haven’t. However, after that point, who knows … All the best, David PS Don’t be lonely. You are so vibrant on this list it really hurts to think you’re unhappy. Not that I have any magic solution. It is all part and parcel – unfortunately – of having a personality disorder. As if you didn’t know.

Response:

Tezza wrote:

<snip> > Wooo, sorry to go on and on about that, but I just felt the need to > get some things down.  I hate it when I have post after post in a row, > makes me feel self-indulgent and self-conscious like I think I have so > much to say to people.  Nice to have this group of excellent people to > get support and feedback from. > –Tezza

I love reading your posts. Don’t hold back, let it all out. I just wish I could do the same sometimes. Kev — You’re lookin’ up at a mountain Between you and the outside But there isn’t a mountain in this whole world Hasn’t been climbed One day… Holloway Girl – Marillion

Response:

On Tue, 26 Sep 2000 14:46:35 +0100, "David" <i…@ddeeson.freeserve.co.uk> wrote: >Hi, Tezza >Whenever you look at the scales, think of me.

I’ll try it…will it help me lose weight  ;-) >I am fat. Really fat.

I’m fatter, nyah nyah nyah  nyah nyah! >’People’ say that when one is depressed one stops eating. Well, I don’t. I >go on a tremendous binge. In just four days last week I put on 6lb.

Mm hm, me too.  I gained about twenty pounds when I quit taking Prozac. Who needed it when I had all those carbs? >I am at least 36lb overweight and I hate it. I must be on my fifth diet this >year. I managed to lose 24lb in the Spring but then promptly put it back on.

Let’s see, I am 60 lbs over what I was when I got married (age 20). So, add five or ten pounds to that, and I have a ways to go…Diet pills just make me dissociate VERY badly, so they are out. Even the herbal ones…doh! >I have begged my GP to give me something but she simply says ‘walk’. Well, >when I had two dogs, I did, several miles each day to get the newspaper, but >now my wife has got rid of them I can’t be bothered.

Well, we just got a second hand stationary (stationery?) bicycle yesterday for $65, so here goes.  I can at least get in better shape, and it’s about the only way I can be "bothered" to do it.  I could lace some donuts on the handle bars….and….hehehe. >Talking of my GP, I picked up a bulky packet yesterday from the surgery for >my new doctor, whoever that may be, when I move at the end of this week. As >the envelope was addressed to me, I told Teresa she could open it providing >she didn’t tell me the contents. >Apparently, the GP letter is fine, but she took great exception – livid is >the best description – to a copy of a letter from my psychiatrist and his >comments about Teresa.

What did it say, David?  Do you agree with it?   >I have copied everything in duplicate in case I can put them to good use in >due course – but I still have not read. Nor am I going to. Honest. When my >new GP asks whether I have – it is obvious the envelope has been opened and >resealed – I want to be able to tell him truthfully that I haven’t. However, >after that point, who knows …

What strength…I’d have torn into it and devoured every word.  It’s why I don’t ask to see my records, though…I am curious, but know I am probably better off not knowing.  Strange. >PS Don’t be lonely. You are so vibrant on this list it really hurts to think >you’re unhappy. Not that I have any magic solution. It is all part and >parcel – unfortunately – of having a personality disorder. As if you didn’t >know.

*Groan*  I know I know, believe me I know.  PD stands for Painful Disorder.  Still feeling defective, too defective and damaged to reach out to the nice ladies here in my new neighborhood.  I’ve accepted a little job at church that will help me; it involved contacting the women for their birthdays, either with a card or baked goodies, whatever I decide.  Accepting even that made me panic inside, but I know I must get my arse out the door and into life or I will just continue to shrivel up inside. Today, and yesterday, I am beating myself up over the past…again. When can I drop this certain topic?  It is my hardest struggle.  I try to remind myself of my therapists words, that it is ok to like people, i just need to learn to modulate my feelings, and that feelings I have are normal, not some sure sign that I am awful or that something really psycho is going on in my head.  Logic tells me he is right, and I would give anyone the same advice, but I am hooked on punishing myself right now.  Another reason I need to get a life again.  I miss my friends that moved away.  I miss that preachy GP I kicked out of my life last year (and I don’t miss him for preachy reasons, he believed I was under demonic influences when all it was was Zoloft).  It was a funky attachment, but it was anchoring in its way…a connection.  I miss my art teacher, but she also believes in demonic influences and I don’t need that in my life.  I want a friend who wants to come to my house, will call, etc, instead of me always doing the work.  Makes me feel undesirable as a friend.  I must push people away better than I thought. I am going to ask the woman across the street about that.   She wants to be my friend (she kind of has flappy gums, though) and I should be more open….hard with depression, but she knows all about me.  Sigh. Thanks for listening.  Sometimes I know that I just need to accept the kind of person I am, and that I don’t fit in with most of the ultra conservative people around here (my therp told me this, and it helped me so much).  <<Cue the cliche’ of the tortured artist type, but not starving…>>   –Tez

Response:

Eternal vigilance–sounds like the price of OCD.  Jus’ funnin’–nice quote.

Response:

I would say that is one good analogy of describing the difference. Adamnoir wrote: >"I so envy normal people. The difference >must be like (here comes a

lousy >analogy)–the difference between my first car–a 10 y.o. heap where anything could happen at any time and I was happy every time it got me home, versus my present car which is totally reliable (I am not bragging, just making a point) and leaves me able to think about things like where I want to go. Is that what it’s like to be normal? "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty"  Thomas Jefferson.

Response:

I relate–I’m kind of new here, and a bit disappointed by the fact that "Live Nude Pix" and " Visa 9.9%"-type things seem to predominate.  I don’t feel like writing much now but will say, yes, that the moment to moment instability is exhausting and intolerable.  I so envy normal people.  The difference must be like (here comes a lousy analogy)–the difference between my first  car–a 10 y.o. heap where anything could happen at any time and I was happy every time it got me home, versus my present car which is totally reliable (I am not bragging, just making a point) and leaves me able to think about things like where I want to go. Is that what it’s like to be normal?

Response:

There are lots of people here, just quiet… please speak up that we may join in. "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty"  Thomas Jefferson.

Response:

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