Depression Learning

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Question:

but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway. My husband, whom I love more than life itself, is tired of being married.  He says he ‘can’t cope’ anymore and all he wants to be is alone. He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is. He came home from work today, kissed me and said he loved me. He’s been totally normal.. like nothing is wrong. Yet when I told him, very gently, that I have been very sad all day (literally sick with suffering about all this)  he says he still "doesn’t know what to do" So here I am, hanging. He went out tonight with a friend. He is kind and treats me the same, but I feel like it’s all the calm before the storm  or his inability to just leave because we really are totally broke. I understand his recent depression and his world wearyness.  We struggle just to get by.  He’s tired of it. I hate myself for starting that stupid fight yesterday.  This is my fault.  Once again, I ruined everything.  just by being me. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed. What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying) I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault.   Now I scuttle and beg to fix it. too late. I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry"

Response:

but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm.

Do what it takes to get you through this situation without harming yourself. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway.

Replies and support are what asd is about, and in due time, you may be able to give support too. My husband, whom I love more than life itself, is tired of being married.  He says he ‘can’t cope’ anymore and all he wants to be is alone.

I’m sorry, you deserve better. He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is.

It means that he cannot face the fact that you have depression and what it will take for him to help you.  Love supports, never asking for something in return.  Love is not only around when it is convenient. He came home from work today, kissed me and said he loved me. He’s been totally normal.. like nothing is wrong.

Sounds like he is running from things to me. Yet when I told him, very gently, that I have been very sad all day (literally sick with suffering about all this)  he says he still "doesn’t know what to do"

Well, for your mental health, you should seek counseling, either individually or together if he is up for it. So here I am, hanging. He went out tonight with a friend.

You deserve much better than the way he is treating you right now. He is kind and treats me the same, but I feel like it’s all the calm before the storm  or his inability to just leave because we really are totally broke. I understand his recent depression and his world wearyness.  We struggle just to get by.  He’s tired of it.

It makes sense, but he and you both need to get the help you both need. I hate myself for starting that stupid fight yesterday.  This is my fault.  Once again, I ruined everything.  just by being me.

But he was the one who ended it by hurting you.  It takes two. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed.

I’m sorry you feel this way.  {{{{{Epitaf}}}}} What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home?

Is it a viable option?  Are you a citizen by virtue of your marriage? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying)

Well, you are dealing with depression, you are who you are, a special and unique person.   I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault. Now I scuttle and beg to fix it.

Love involves people accepting and loving you, as you are right now.  That’s what real love is.  I do not think you are a horrible person, not for one minute.   too late. I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry"

{{{{{Epitaf}}}}} — "Nothing contributes so much to tranquility of the mind as a steady purpose – a point to which the soul may fix its intellectual eye." Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

Response:

but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway.

I know what you mean.  I don’t have a whole lot of time to go through all the messages and reply to everything, and I feel bad for that.  Especially when others respond to what I’ve written. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed.

I think alot that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around. Sometimes I just wonder if it’s not that I just want to be alone. What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying)

I’ve been there and done that, twice.  I was supposed to be the one everyone thought would make something big of my life.  I had married two losers and had kids way too young.  It does get better though.  I know it’s hard to have the patience to wait it out, but it really does. I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault. Now I scuttle and beg to fix it. too late.

It’s never too late. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry"

Response:

Glad you made it through the night Epitaf. However, while your husband is a happy bunny start making contingency plans consider what would I do if . . . where would I go . . . . etc carl – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway. My husband, whom I love more than life itself, is tired of being married.  He says he ‘can’t cope’ anymore and all he wants to be is alone. He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is. He came home from work today, kissed me and said he loved me. He’s been totally normal.. like nothing is wrong. Yet when I told him, very gently, that I have been very sad all day (literally sick with suffering about all this)  he says he still "doesn’t know what to do" So here I am, hanging. He went out tonight with a friend. He is kind and treats me the same, but I feel like it’s all the calm before the storm  or his inability to just leave because we really are totally broke. I understand his recent depression and his world wearyness.  We struggle just to get by.  He’s tired of it. I hate myself for starting that stupid fight yesterday.  This is my fault.  Once again, I ruined everything.  just by being me. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed. What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying) I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault.   Now I scuttle and beg to fix it. too late. I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry"

www.ipabc.com was it a year or lives ago, we caught the summer flying low

Response:

I really appreciate everything you have said.  I keep reading and rereading responses, trying to make myself feel better. All I want is to be held.  So desperately. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Do what it takes to get you through this situation without harming yourself. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway. Replies and support are what asd is about, and in due time, you may be able to give support too. My husband, whom I love more than life itself, is tired of being married.  He says he ‘can’t cope’ anymore and all he wants to be is alone. I’m sorry, you deserve better. He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is. It means that he cannot face the fact that you have depression and what it will take for him to help you.  Love supports, never asking for something in return.  Love is not only around when it is convenient. He came home from work today, kissed me and said he loved me. He’s been totally normal.. like nothing is wrong. Sounds like he is running from things to me. Yet when I told him, very gently, that I have been very sad all day (literally sick with suffering about all this)  he says he still "doesn’t know what to do" Well, for your mental health, you should seek counseling, either individually or together if he is up for it. So here I am, hanging. He went out tonight with a friend. You deserve much better than the way he is treating you right now. He is kind and treats me the same, but I feel like it’s all the calm before the storm  or his inability to just leave because we really are totally broke. I understand his recent depression and his world wearyness.  We struggle just to get by.  He’s tired of it. It makes sense, but he and you both need to get the help you both need. I hate myself for starting that stupid fight yesterday.  This is my fault.  Once again, I ruined everything.  just by being me. But he was the one who ended it by hurting you.  It takes two. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed. I’m sorry you feel this way.  {{{{{Epitaf}}}}} What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home? Is it a viable option?  Are you a citizen by virtue of your marriage? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying) Well, you are dealing with depression, you are who you are, a special and unique person.   I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault. Now I scuttle and beg to fix it. Love involves people accepting and loving you, as you are right now.  That’s what real love is.  I do not think you are a horrible person, not for one minute.   too late. I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry" {{{{{Epitaf}}}}}

Response:

does posting responses here make you feel … lonely ?

Response:

I had a previous relationship that was not nearly as good as this one and that ended very badly because he had been abusive. And still there I was lamenting about being a total loser etc. I didn’t even date for 7 years after that break up. Then I met my current husband and he was so good to me and so good for me.  After so long having him there for me, now I wake to realize he needs me but has decided that I can’t help him. I’m an idiot.  I hate myself for trolling through life. I am so glad you responded.  Thank you. Your kindness will always be appreciated. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway. I know what you mean.  I don’t have a whole lot of time to go through all the messages and reply to everything, and I feel bad for that.  Especially when others respond to what I’ve written. I sit here wishing there would be a house fire, wishing I’d get cancer or thinking maybe I should go out walking tonight and see what happens.  If I’m lucky.. maybe I’ll be killed. I think alot that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around. Sometimes I just wonder if it’s not that I just want to be alone. What happens if he decides he’s done?  What do I do?  Broke, alone and living in a country where I have no citizenship.  I could call my parents and beg for a ticket … to where?  home? It’s there home.  And besides, they are practically seniors now, living on a fixed income and after a life of doing for themselves, that bothers them. Besides, slinking home, once again the family loser… I just can’t deal with that.  I am one of 5 kids.  The only one without a house, a career and kids. (I don’t want kids… but I’m just saying) I’ve been there and done that, twice.  I was supposed to be the one everyone thought would make something big of my life.  I had married two losers and had kids way too young.  It does get better though.  I know it’s hard to have the patience to wait it out, but it really does. I am 35 and utterly at a loss to think of a single reason why I should continue.  Face it.  I’m a really horrible person who just happens to have the misfortune of realizing it.  I want to be better, so someone will love me.  I am really just so lazy and slothful that it effects my whole life.  It’s hard to look at oneself and realize that your deepest hurt is really your own fault. Now I scuttle and beg to fix it. too late. It’s never too late. I don’t want to be a statistic.. but I don’t want to end up selling burgers into my old age, living alone with my pets until they find me one day. And all I can say is "I’m sorry"

Response:

but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway…<snipped…

- I can sympathize with you on many points. For I also find myself in somehow a similar situation living in a country that’s not my own. I have a girlfriend and me being depressed now I get irritable very easily and a fight breaks out of nothing sometimes. I also had a fear of "losing everything": job, life, friends and having to go back to my parents’. I still am under the threat of losing all but somehow I started looking at things a bit differently. Why should I care if people think I’m a loser if I go back to my parents’. Anyways it’ll be only temporary and to heck with people and all what they think (sometimes I think 99 percent of humans are assholes who deserve to be exterminated, including me). I know you prefer not to tell us where u’re living or where u’re from but I can assure you that if you have the "wisdom" inside you, no matter where you are on this earth, u will be fine. With or without a partner.

Response:

He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is.

Will it make any difference what it means? You have two main issues: what you need to do and what you feel about it all. You need to make plans. You need to start seeking solutions and not problems. As to how you feel about it… this is your issue, not your husband’s. He is not responsible for how you feel. I wish I had answers. Bri — "We must do everything to insure they never return. The old will die and the young will forget." (Ben Gurion, London Sunday Times, 14 June 1969)

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm. Typical of me… to expect replies and never give back.. or rarely anyway. My husband, whom I love more than life itself, is tired of being married.  He says he ‘can’t cope’ anymore and all he wants to be is alone. He says it’s not me.  but it is.  The very statement means it is. He came home from work today, kissed me and said he loved me. He’s been totally normal.. like nothing is wrong. Yet when I told him, very gently, that I have been very sad all day (literally sick with suffering about all this)  he says he still "doesn’t know what to do" So here I am, hanging.

One of the difficult things about depression in a relationship (and I have been on both sides, believe you me) is that the undepressed spouse may have no idea what to do and feel utterly helpless.  Men in particular tend to walk away from hopeless causes, to find something or someone they _can_ help.  Men _hate_ feeling useless.  I don’t know the equivalent woman’s reaction, not being one. Perhaps your husband thinks that your depression is hopeless.  Perhaps you think that your depression is hopeless.  This would explain what is going on. But trust me: it isn’t hopeless. Talk to him about your depression.  If you whine about "I’m so depressed, I don’t want to go on living", you may give him the message that your cause is hopeless and that may drive him away. Talk to him, starting with "Let’s plan a way to get me out of this depression."  Then give him a few ideas on what you two can do.  Once he has some ideas as to how to start, your cause doesn’t look hopeless and he’ll probably be willing to spend more effort trying to help you. Some ideas: Find a pdoc (if your health care covers it, or you have the money out of pocket for it). Talk to a priest, reverend, or rabbi.  If you have a particular faith, go to the local leader of that faith.  If you don’t, just find anybody.   You don’t need to believe their faith.  Religious types can be decent counselors (but they are rarely professionally trained), but they are usually clearinghouses for information on what resources are available to you. Caveat on the above: do not approach your local Church of Scientology. Scientology proclaims itself to _be_ a cure for depression.  Their idea of treatment is initiation into their "faith" (they don’t believe in a God), and you will be on a long, expensive, isolating, and ultimately mindfucking journey with them.  They _feed_ off the frightened and the confused.  See http://www.xenu.net for details. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with religious types, talk to your local reference librarian, who is likely a clearinghouse for the same information.  Heck, while you’re at it, pick up a book or two on the malady.  Even if you can’t bring yourself to read them, ask your husband to. Find resources on the Web.  One place to start is http://wingofmadness.com. The idea here is to sell your husband on the idea that there _is_ a way to get you out of this depression, and that his efforts won’t be wasted.   My own experiences show this to be true, and there should be many other posters here who can agree with me.  If he’s backing away from you because he thinks you’re a lost cause, this may be enough to bring him back. —         –Rob Mandeville

Response:

but posting here and hearing people’s replies is the only thing keeping me going atm.

So by all means keep posting!  That’s what ASD is for! It sounds to me like your depression is leading to a lot of self-blame.  Try to stop beating yourself up! Your husband married you "for better or for worse" and he should maintain his commitment to you.  Unfortunately, we cannot control other people.  I learned that in my first marriage, which ultimately ended in divorce.  I now realize there was nothing I could do to save my marriage after I was diagnosed as bipolar.  It’s hard to accept but you cannot change another person.  But even if the worst happens (e.g. divorce), time does repair the damage and in time you will find you can handle more than you thought you could. That said, perhaps it is still possible to work together with your husband in therapy to identify ways he can help you with your depression.  I wish you the best.  Take care of yourself. Holly

Response:

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