Depression Learning

i don't (sp. long, boring)

Question:

approach people. i don’t make friendly or other overtures. i’m pleasant enough, but i don’t know how to become a "friend", how to push things to a stage where i can say "we’re friends". i drift along in life doing nothing much being nothing much. i come here and i meet the best friends i ever had. and thats so fucking pathetic. no offence to the people who have online friends. its just that *i* expect more of me.

A good mix of both is probably best, yes. You will get there– you have to work on confidence. i’m disappointed with what i am. i’m trying hard to be something else. but i can’t seem to be anything but ME and i hate being me. my memory is fucked lately. i can’t remember anything. i’ve missed so many appointments, i used to be so good, i never missed things like that. psych appointments, cpn appointments, i went to the wrong place for the assertiveness training interview even though the letter TOLD me where to go….

Depression screws with your memory. When I am full-blown depressed for a long term, my memory goes to shit. I do well to dress myself, just because I can’t remember where things are. and now i ramble. i say things i regret. always, theres something i regret about everyday. something i said, something i did. it takes a long time for me to forget and stop cringeing. sometimes i never forget. theres one thing i remember now that hurts like hell and it didn’t even make any difference to my life, no one cared about it, i doubt if anyone even thinks about it now. but it still drives me insane to remember it. its been two, nearly three years and still it feels as awful as if it happened ten minutes ago.

Oh yeah. I have experiences, memories like that. It is painful. I replay things over and over, probably things only I remember. i lose things. friends. that hurts a lot. knowing that it was my fault and i can’t do anything about it/take it back…. everytime it happens its my fault. my very best friend, she was afraid of the phone, she never called me, i never called her, i *could* have called her. we had things in common. i loved her. not enough though. i got stuck in a hole one day and didn’t get out of it, and she passed on by and got on with her life, and now i can’t catch back up with her…. i’m embarrassed to admit to what a failure i am. people still ask me if i’m going to college/uni. "are you on a year out?" then i tell them my age, and no, this is my permanent job, and i’m not going to any college or uni.

You have to do things in your own way. Lots of people don’t go to college when they are "supposed to." They go a little later, when they are more ready.  When or if you get ready, you will go and do just fine. and the point isn’t that i can still do it. because i know i can.

Yes, you can its that i SHOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW, and i’m behind everyone i ever knew. i used to be ahead, i used to be intelligent and bright and i used to have a future that was full of promise and that was there for the taking, but i threw it all away. i don’t even know why i threw it away. i don’t know what happened anymore. i used to be someone who played with other children, the older kids used to love me, i had lots of friends. and then it all seemed to stop one day. i can’t remember what day.

Depression again, or social anxieties. You can get it back. You are still full of promise. it didn’t even seem to be over then. it slowly just slid away from me as i grew older, looking back i can see how i lost my grip on it year after year, every day i would have one more humiliation in school, one more panic attack in the morning, i’d sit alone one more time. i’d eat alone.

It is scary how this happens, how you wake up one morning and discover that so much slipped away over the years. everyday i’d wander alone in my own world making up stories about myself, how i’d be beautiful one day, and everyone would love me. if i bury this stick here, and i come back tomorrow and i find it, then all my dreams will come true. pathetic things.

You are beautiful and someone will love you. But I have found that waiting is no good, even though, for lots of us, waiting is all we can seem to do. After all, I am not exactly proactive about a lot of things either. I won’t get approached– I have to do the approaching. And I can’t anymore. I have psyched myself out. i started writing a journal when i was 12, and i regret throwing it away now, it was filled with anger. my mother hated me back then. the trouble with her is that she believes children are just small adults. she thought i knew everything. i was evil. i was just like my evil grandmother. i was trying to ruin her life. just like my grandmother. i was just like my grandmother. now i’m just like my father. every little dig hurts. "your father used to do that" – because i fell asleep with the lights on. stupid. and now i do stupid things. i kid myself that people care about me. i think i need to be saved. i look for someone to save me. i need to save myself. i don’t know how to.

Well, they do care about you. But you are right– we all have to save ourselves in the end. Others can help, and should help (And they can help a lot), but in the end we have to save ourselves because only we can work on the things like this in our mind.

Response:

what makes hard for me is that trying the last couple of times left me in an even bigger hole than ever.  through trying to better myself, i actually made my life more desperate and more fucked up. it’s not that i’m afraid to try again and make my life a little better.  i’m afraid to try again and make my life just that much worse. diana – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and the point isn’t that i can still do it. because i know i can. its that i SHOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW, and i’m behind everyone i ever knew. I’ve been known to beat myself up w/those thoughts — less so w/age thankfully. Never too late…and knowing you can is a good first step. What are your goals and objectives. Maybe you don’t want to take a leap into the unknown, but is there some thing(s) you can do to at least get your toes wet?

Response:

and the point isn’t that i can still do it. because i know i can. its that i SHOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW, and i’m behind everyone i ever knew.

I’ve been known to beat myself up w/those thoughts — less so w/age thankfully. Never too late…and knowing you can is a good first step. What are your goals and objectives. Maybe you don’t want to take a leap into the unknown, but is there some thing(s) you can do to at least get your toes wet? — "It was when I found out that I could make mistakes that I knew I was on to something."                                                Ornette Coleman

Response:

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