Depression Learning

Help! My partner and I are having a hard time with my illness.

Question:

Spracht: I’ve been depressed almost all my life.  Recently, it’s been trying to kill me.  I was in the hospital about a month ago, placed on Effexor, and put in individual therapy.  But I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been.  I can’t talk to my partner without getting in some terrible fight.  She says things about my illness, like "You can’t deal with getting our son ready in the morning.  I’m going to do it.", and I get angry because I can’t be a normal person.  I feel like she’s attacking me.  My moods swings are unbelievable.  I’m irritable and extremely depressed.  Fighting with her only makes it worse.  But if I had a sound mind and would stop internalizing, I would be okay.  I don’t know how to listen to my weaknesses, like, you can’t deal with a 6 year old ADD child, you can’t work 60 hours a week, you can’t have a normal conversation about issues in the house.  Some one help, please. Cindy

Cindy, Spracht: You may not want to hear this, but, based on what you’ve quoted, I think your partner’s not criticizing you and she’s probably right.  

I would tend to agree with Peter, except that its hard to really know what’s happening in your situation based on a brief description in print, not really knowing much about you, your partner, your history together and so on.  But here’s some thoughts- Depression has a maddening way of distorting what ppl say to you- on top of the emotional hypersensitivity.  A depressed person will feel worthless, incompetent, without confidence, and every tiny fumble on your part, when pointed out by someone has an emotional impact way beyond what that person may have intended or what the objective event may have warranted.  IOW, your partner may have been making a simple observation, intending make part of your routine easier for you.  The depression acts like a (un-)fun house mirror that warps the way you percieve that.  It can be extremely diffucult to untangle.  The voice of depression inside you says "God, I’m incompetent, useless, I have to try harder, why can’t I perform"; when someone says _anything_ about your performance, even praise (!), you will hear it as proving the lowest opinion of your self.  (I should say I have seen this happening in myself *even as its going down* and still feel assaulted/ put down.) On the other hand your partner could be making objective-sounding statements in words, but in a tone of voice that communicates a different message- that’s what doesn’t come across in print, unless you had specifically mentioned it.  Being depressed tends to turn a person inward; if you’re driving down the rough road of depression, its hard to carry on a normal conversation with the ppl in the car with you.  Meaning that you have less energy to put into a relationship, and that some of that lessened energy has to go into relating to your therapy/therapist.  This can upset your relationship w/ your partner- its like suddenly having 2 more people in your family (the unwelcome guest in yourself, depression, and a therapist).  A re-shuffling goes on that some partners cannot help but resent, hence there’s more stress in your home life. These issues are all something that you need to be working on in therapy; also, if if you have been on meds for a month, they may not be helping just yet, or the level may need to be adjusted.  I hear how hard it is for you, it must feel your life is out of control. But you are doing what you need to be doing- going to therapy, taking meds and whatever else will help.   IMHO, I would be a little cautious about depending alot on the counsel of ppl in ASD- 99% of us are fantastically good-hearted, caring and intelligent folk- but our perceptions and responses are conditioned by wrestling with El Depresso ourselves, and we just can’t know enough about you staring at your words on a monitor.  I have been reading here about 5 months, and I’ve found the support invaluable- having a place to vent, hearing about other’s situations, being inspired, having a good laugh, knowing there is a caring community.  But for the hand-to-hand grappling with depression, a _good_ therp and possibly a local group is essential- just my opinion, based on my experiences. I wonder if your 60hr work is essential financially?  Is there some way to cut your self some slack there?  Cut down the hours, get some leave, cut back on responsibilities there?  Seems like anywhere you could make things easier for yourself while you deal with this depression would help.   This is a serious illness, nothing like the flu, and you may very likely need to make some serious adjustments in relationships and work while you deal with it.  I’m so sorry you’re in this trouble; keep posting here if you find it helpful- like I said above, we do care and want to support you however we can.  You’ve probably aready gotten some welcomes and hugs, but in case not- ((((((((((Cindy))))))))((((((((((Cindy))))))))((((((((((Cindy)))))))) FanMan Ashes my burnt hut…     But wonderful the cherry Blooming on my hill            -Hokushi — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve been depressed almost all my life.  Recently, it’s been trying to kill me.  I was in the hospital about a month ago, placed on Effexor, and put in individual therapy.  But I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been.  I can’t talk to my partner without getting in some terrible fight.  She says things about my illness, like "You can’t deal with getting our son ready in the morning.  I’m going to do it.", and I get angry because I can’t be a normal person.  I feel like she’s attacking me.  My moods swings are unbelievable.  I’m irritable and extremely depressed.  Fighting with her only makes it worse.  But if I had a sound mind and would stop internalizing, I would be okay.  I don’t know how to listen to my weaknesses, like, you can’t deal with a 6 year old ADD child, you can’t work 60 hours a week, you can’t have a normal conversation about issues in the house.  Some one help, please. Cindy

Hi Cindy, You’re working 60 hours a week while you’re suffering from depression?!?!?!  That’s incredible.  I regard it as a major achievement if I can drag myself from the bed to the computer. You may not want to hear this, but, based on what you’ve quoted, I think your partner’s not criticizing you and she’s probably right.  I don’t think she’s criticizing you.  Usually, criticism takes the form of "why are you too lazy to help with our child (go to work, etc.)" or "why are you doing this to me?" or "why don’t you quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something?"  What she said simply sounds like a statement of fact as she sees it. This is not a criticism, but it sounds like you’re having a very hard time accepting your illness.  That’s understandable.  It also seems that you may be taking out your anger about your illness on her.  It might be worth exploring this possibility with your therapist.  I’m sorry, but you’re NOT a normal person, and neither am I.  If you’re going to make peace with yourself and your partner, you may have to accept some unpleasant truths about yourself.  I can’t work any more because my brain too scrambled to be reliable;  my wife takes care of the finances, the appointments, and pretty much everything else; she has to drive me everywhere I have to go or want to go because my pdoc thinks I might run the car into a wall if left to myself.  I have never objected to my wife being independent (in fact, I never thought that was an issue on which I had a right to have an opinion), but I never though I’d be this dependent, either, and I hate it.  But I have to accept it. Peter  

Response:

I’ve been depressed almost all my life.  Recently, it’s been trying to kill me.  I was in the hospital about a month ago, placed on Effexor, and put in individual therapy.  But I’m in the worse shape I’ve ever been.  I can’t talk to my partner without getting in some terrible fight.  She says things about my illness, like "You can’t deal with getting our son ready in the morning.  I’m going to do it.", and I get angry because I can’t be a normal person.  I feel like she’s attacking me.  My moods swings are unbelievable.  I’m irritable and extremely depressed.  Fighting with her only makes it worse.  But if I had a sound mind and would stop internalizing, I would be okay.  I don’t know how to listen to my weaknesses, like, you can’t deal with a 6 year old ADD child, you can’t work 60 hours a week, you can’t have a normal conversation about issues in the house.  Some one help, please. Cindy

Response:

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