Depression Learning

Help me to understand

Question:

I am going through a divorce with a woman who is absolutely inflamed about everything. Weve only been married since last november and it seems over night she went from jeckel to hyde.  Truly we did jump into things far too quickly and did not know one another well enough.  Some time early this year (january?)  She told me she was very depressed and thought it was the weather.  We assumed it was Seasonal Aquired Depressive Dissorder and I purchased a Bio-Light thinking this would help.  Well it was no help at all.   About the time she told me to leave (May 15th), she said she had seen a counselor from my employee assistance program.  I asked her how it went and the only thing she said was that her couseler told her I was bi-polar and manic depressive and needed to get on meds imediately.   I was frozen in my tracks by that remark as I found it difficult to believe that a medical professional would evaluate a person’s mental state by proxy and give this information to a patient they were treating so that she might pass it along to her husband.   Now I dont know bi-polar from manic depressive, but from what I learned from friends and family, I’d have to say that she may be suffering from both.  The complete debilitating depression is very evident and the strange and abusive mood swings drove me out of the house several times.  What I’d like to know is the frequencey of mood swings.  She would be the nicest woman you’d ever want to meet one minute and then slowly work into a screaming frenzy and telling me I was the reason for all of her problems.  On my days off from work I noticed she would go through 2 or 3 of these mood swings in a day.  At the time, I just thought we were having some awfull marital problems as the root of her complaint was always my "sexual abhorent past" as she refered to it.   I am refering to my history before getting married and she knew all about my past before she married me.   This woman (my wife) moved across the country from Pennsylvania to Washington state where we both reside, to marry me.  She brought her father with her.  He is blind, but very low maintenance and is a really nice guy so I cant say that he played any part in the dynamics of my failed marriage.  I was very flattered by her coming all this way, and very in love with her.  I would have done anything to save our marriage, but it is too late now.  All I really want now, is to understand what happened and possibly find out if she was someone who should have been on meds and or was on meds when I met her, but thought she would do well getting off them.  I have heard that many people come to a point in thier life where they believe they no long require medication and stop taking them with disasterous results.   Is there a way to find out if she should be on medication?  Could I make some phone calls to where she used to live and contact someone who would know?  Would it be ethical for me to do so? Walter please feel free to send advise to my email

Response:

snip I was frozen in my tracks by that remark as I found it difficult to believe that a medical professional would evaluate a person’s mental state by proxy and give this information to a patient they were treating so that she might pass it along to her husband.  

A professional would do no such thing.  I suspect a misunderstanding here. Now I dont know bi-polar from manic depressive, but from what I learned from friends and family, I’d have to say that she may be suffering from both.  

‘Bipolar depressive disorder’ or some such phrase is just the currently fashionable name for what was called ‘manic depression’ before. The complete debilitating depression is very evident and the strange and abusive mood swings drove me out of the house several times.  What I’d like to know is the frequencey of mood swings.  She would be the nicest woman you’d ever want to meet one minute and then slowly work into a screaming frenzy and telling me I was the reason for all of her problems.  On my days off from work I noticed she would go through 2 or 3 of these mood swings in a day.  At the time, I just thought we were having some awfull marital problems as the root of her complaint was always my "sexual abhorent past" as she refered to it.   I am refering to my history before getting married and she knew all about my past before she married me.  

No-one can make a diagnosis without meeting the person, and years of training; I have neither.  I would say that what you describe sounds rather like someone I know who has been diagnosed ‘bipolar’, before she got proper treatment.  The ‘cycle’ can take from minutes to months, and it’s really more complicated than just one simple thing ‘cycling’; there are lots of factors involved and each person is different anyway. snip Is there a way to find out if she should be on medication?  Could I make some phone calls to where she used to live and contact someone who would know?  Would it be ethical for me to do so?

I expect the law in your country is similar to mine, and no doctor would reveal a patient’s records without her consent. What does her father say, or other relatives? I think the best you can do for your wife is to make sure she is safe, and to gently encourage her to get get expert help – but don’t try to force the issue, as that might just make things even more awkward.  The fact that she has seen a counsellor already suggests that she has begun to accept that she needs help; I’d take that as a good sign. I do know how difficult it is to cope when someone close is ill like this; if there were any easy answers I’d like to know them ( It is important to look after yourself. — —  Whiskers

Response:

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