Don't know what to do–stinkin' thinkin' ahead
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Question:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears. Hey Dawn. I’ve found that in places like that, the bad feelings are institutional in nature. It reminds me of working at the video store. The head office put the screws to the district manager, the district manager put the screws to the store manager, and the store manager put the screws to us. If the head office were easy-going, then that would trickle down to the lowly guy behind the counter. I mean, if all the staff at that place are nasty people, I can’t imagine it has anything to do with politics, as everyone’s politics are different. It seems more likely that whoever runs that place is putting too much pressure on the staff. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/
You know, Ian, I think you may be right about this. The parents, I don’t know where they’re coming from unless it’s trickle down from the teachers, but the teachers get their stress from the principal/lead teacher and she may be getting hers from the PTB at the school district. Thanks for this interpretation–it helped me look at it from a different angle and takes the blame off of me, which is always good. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dawn, just step back from all of this. Hold up the hand. Everyone does the best they can given the roadmap they are given. Never hurts to stop and have a reality check. Katie is JUST FINE. At her age, she would be having issues with her peers WHEREVER she was in WHATEVER school. Nothing you or Dad can do about that, its just programmed into the emotional development of a pre-teen TO BE DIFFICULT. They need to make choices on their own and learn their consequences. Typically, Mom and Dad aren’t on the same page as to how far the leash goes, so the kids will push here and press there to elicit the <desired response at the moment. This is all normal, expected behavior from pre-teens and your response isn’t AT ALL out of line. Hold up the hand, acknowledge that change is normal. Deal with one day at a time. Sue in Maine
Hello Sue, Thank you so much for the reality check. Katie used to be so easygoing, and she still is to some extent, but she’s definitely learned how to push the right buttons and lay on the guilt when it works in her favor. I have to realize that all the time and react accordingly. I don’t remember seeing any posts from you before. Are you new to ASAPM? If so, a hearty welcome. I do hope you’ll stick around and join us–we have a lot of fun, a lot of tears, just…a lot 
. Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
The parents, I don’t know where they’re coming from unless it’s trickle down from the teachers
Quite likely. The whole school system in that area, including the parents, would be affected (sp) by the attitude of the people at the top. I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason they present themselves as warm and fuzzy, etc., is to get more people into the place, because many parents like yourself have done exactly what you’re doing: finding out the place is a drag, and leaving. I can think of a number of analogies here. My old neighborhood is a good example. A lot of people lived there, but the people who managed to find an opportunity to escape the ghetto got the hell out of there. The people who stayed were the ones who couldn’t get out, and so the place was generally run-down and dangerous. You could drive in there, see the thug kids selling drugs, and make false conclusions about the Black community, in the same way that you could enter a school system, see that everyone is a drag, and jump to conclusions, when probably everyone who *wasn’t* a drag had already left. You know, come to think of it, Usenet groups are like that, too. The unmoderated ones, mostly. If the balance swings toward argumentative people, then the only people who are going to join the group as newbies are people who find that atmosphere attractive. And so the group turns more and more argumentative and nasty. My local CMH tried to lull in middle-class "customers" by getting new middle-class furniture, hanging up art on the walls, and putting up billboards in every part of the area where poor people were not likely to be. (These were also the places where Black people didn’t live, but I like to think of that as a coincidence.) It didn’t work. No one with a normal life and relatively minor problems is going to go into a place full of stinky people in raggedy clothes who talk to the voices in their heads. This is not to draw too many parallels to your situation, not with this analogy, but it’s the same sort of advertising scheme that I suspect got you interested in the school to begin with. Live and learn, I guess. I had to move from a good school system to a bad one, in my own childhood, because the local Baha’is in St. Joseph needed us in the community. We moved from a rural area where I was the most popular kid in the class, to a relatively urban area, where I instantly became the least popular kid in a very big school. The subsequent years were pretty traumatic. Hold on. This is terrible suppport. All I’m saying is … I don’t know what I’m saying. I just woke up, and I have to get to the bank, and I don’t have a ride. I don’t suppose you could run me to the bank, could you? You wouldn’t happen to be in Southwest Michigan sometime in the next hour? Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Dear Friends,
excuse my lack of usual insight and wisdom, I have a real nasty uri and I feel really lousy….. Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal.
I have found that increasingly, there are more incompetent teachers out there and fairly ineffective administrators who are vastly overpaid and underworked-there are of course, exceptions to what I have just stated…. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language.
I was talking to a teacher just this morning who was complaining that in his new job, the principal had given him an option as to a lunch period to accomodate various schedules that were conflicting. The prinicpal was pushing for an early lunch with no break later in the afternoon-this person is a diabetic and this would have presented many health related issues-so the teacher told the Principal NO-the prinicpal simply said, "ok" and turned her back on the teacher-This enraged the teacher and allowed him to create a paranoid set of ideas that the principal is no out to get him and being disrespectful–the reality is that even if the teacher agreed to the recommended lunch period the principal may have still simply turned her back on him-she may just be like this, or perhaps she had other things to attend to or is just socially inept-the emotional investment the teacher made regarding this was way overboard and just made the teacher feel; badly, impotent, angry and disrespected-when in fact all it meant was the other person didn’t act the way the teacher wanted-nay demanded… lesson learned-we don;t always get what we want and very rarely get what we demand-demandingness leads to emotional pain, overgeneralizing, black and white thinking, discounting the positive and accentuating the negative-you are telling yourself all kinds of erroneous things about the people who you preceive to be unfriendly-namely they have to be since you deserve them to be-after all you are friendly to them another one–years ago I joined this beach club because my spouse wanted to play tennis there-I just wanted a place to spread out on a lounge chair and read, snooze, take a swim and relax–the folks there were pretty cliquey-I was pleasant enough but didn’t engage in any real involved conversations or fall in line with the bragging club rites-just layed around doin my thing-After a period of time I just had no interaction with the people there-I refused to give out medical advise, or engage in coversations that primarily were designed to use me for their needs or desire with little interest in me as a person-so time went by and the seasons went by and eventually a few years went by-some people left or dropped out or moved away and I just hung out when I went there in my own space doing my own thing.. I could care less about making small talk or playing some superficial mind game-One summer a few years later my wife was hospitalized for a period of time for some tests and treatments and these people who were not a part of my life at all, began bringing me food, calling about how my wife was doing, visiting her in the hospital, and being incredibly supportive actually quite decent warm and friendly people—when the crisis was over, they went back to being their former selves - Some people have a dysfunctional perception of being friendly, or of being warm and caring on a daily basis, or under less then tragic circumstances-we all have our own baggage I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get?
tjhe school is really all about the education of its students-the other aspects of an education like teamwork and a "community" are lofty goals that usually only facilitate the leaders of those teams and the politics of "showing off" how great they all work together Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this?
it is called a teacher who has other priorities and possible issues with parents or "peers" I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me.
why bother-I would just keep at trying to contact her until I would give her the out–"apparently you have no interest in my opinons or help regarding this festivity so I will discontinue my involvement at this juncture" this will usually get some response since your next move would be to complain to her superiors-a no win for her… I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now.
I feel like a young kid–but I’m not-feelings lie. What you are stating is that what you fear is that you may be chronically upset by others behaviors-when in fact you do not control others behaviors, only your own, so why invest in upset Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size.
community is not based on size but content I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth
try and replace it with a good taste regardless of whether you move to this neigborhood or stay in your old one-if you hold onto the bad taste you will have a bad expression on your face-you attract more flies with sugar then vinegar (although one can make an argument for shit as well) even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. Complain to him about her behavior she may get it faster They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing,
oh so does everyone else-so what, most often those who can’t do-teach. And everyone wants others to view them as being much more an icon of perfection then they really are- and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was.
maybe they are afraid of you, afraid you may move into their clique and take over, or be more important then them-people can get real territorial about social position in small bedroom communities (sorry for the generalization people) I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical.
maybe their cultists? Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom.
constipation? It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning
But if your perkier, smarter, ,ore involved, brighter, more creative or look better then watch out Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m,
as long as you brush your teeth so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really.
but your not one of them you haven’t passed the initiation rites yet I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up
(but I am eating myself up over this petty non life or death stuff. , esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market.
(meaning, I love my house and death really really sucks) You don’t need to validate going back to what you had if that’s what you want and is in your best interest-You do know this don’t you? Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m calling to get back into counseling now. If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears.
Children of the Corn or stepford wives comes to mind an Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Love, Dawn
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Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <gently snipped ::I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s ::eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed ::two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. :: ::Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell ::someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m ::calling to get back into counseling now. :: ::If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, ::I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Dear Dawn, I read that you have Katie on a waiting list to get back into her old school. I hope that she is accepted as soon as possible. Please do not beat yourself up over this!! Trying out a new school is sort of like trying a new antidepressant<g. There is no predicting how it will work out, you just have to jump in and give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Fortunately, you got wind of these problems early on. Katie is resilient, in a few months this will be a distant memory for her, and for you as well. Dawn, I have read this thread…. and I`m very concerned for your well-being. You sound terribly stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Did you make that appt to get back into counseling? If you haven`t, please do so today! You don`t have to suffer this way anymore. (((((Dawn))))) Jackie ~*~My halo is temporarily out of order~*~ Thanks, Jackie. Unfortunately, I don’t think she’s going to get into her old school this year, unless someone leaves unexpectedly. It could happen, but the odds are against it. Oh well. I am very stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Probably the worst I’ve been in recent memory. This year, esp. this past summer up to now, has been brutal. I’m not handling things very well at all. If I weren’t so darn tired all the time I might be able to take steps to remedy the problem, but I’m exhausted. Exercise is a chore–just getting up in the morning is a chore. I hate this. Thanks for caring. Love, Dawn
Dawn, just step back from all of this. Hold up the hand. Everyone does the best they can given the roadmap they are given. Never hurts to stop and have a reality check. Katie is JUST FINE. At her age, she would be having issues with her peers WHEREVER she was in WHATEVER school. Nothing you or Dad can do about that, its just programmed into the emotional development of a pre-teen TO BE DIFFICULT. They need to make choices on their own and learn their consequences. Typically, Mom and Dad aren’t on the same page as to how far the leash goes, so the kids will push here and press there to elicit the <desired response at the moment. This is all normal, expected behavior from pre-teens and your response isn’t AT ALL out of line. Hold up the hand, acknowledge that change is normal. Deal with one day at a time. Sue in Maine — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <gently snipped ::I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s ::eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed ::two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. :: ::Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell ::someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m ::calling to get back into counseling now. :: ::If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, ::I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Dear Dawn, I read that you have Katie on a waiting list to get back into her old school. I hope that she is accepted as soon as possible. Please do not beat yourself up over this!! Trying out a new school is sort of like trying a new antidepressant<g. There is no predicting how it will work out, you just have to jump in and give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Fortunately, you got wind of these problems early on. Katie is resilient, in a few months this will be a distant memory for her, and for you as well. Dawn, I have read this thread…. and I`m very concerned for your well-being. You sound terribly stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Did you make that appt to get back into counseling? If you haven`t, please do so today! You don`t have to suffer this way anymore. (((((Dawn))))) Jackie ~*~My halo is temporarily out of order~*~
Thanks, Jackie. Unfortunately, I don’t think she’s going to get into her old school this year, unless someone leaves unexpectedly. It could happen, but the odds are against it. Oh well. I am very stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Probably the worst I’ve been in recent memory. This year, esp. this past summer up to now, has been brutal. I’m not handling things very well at all. If I weren’t so darn tired all the time I might be able to take steps to remedy the problem, but I’m exhausted. Exercise is a chore–just getting up in the morning is a chore. I hate this. Thanks for caring. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears.
Hey Dawn. I’ve found that in places like that, the bad feelings are institutional in nature. It reminds me of working at the video store. The head office put the screws to the district manager, the district manager put the screws to the store manager, and the store manager put the screws to us. If the head office were easy-going, then that would trickle down to the lowly guy behind the counter. I mean, if all the staff at that place are nasty people, I can’t imagine it has anything to do with politics, as everyone’s politics are different. It seems more likely that whoever runs that place is putting too much pressure on the staff. Ian — I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask where they’re goin’, and hook up with ‘em later. (Mitch Hedberg) http://sundry.ws/ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
<gently snipped ::I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s ::eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed ::two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. :: ::Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell ::someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m ::calling to get back into counseling now. :: ::If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, ::I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Dear Dawn, I read that you have Katie on a waiting list to get back into her old school. I hope that she is accepted as soon as possible. Please do not beat yourself up over this!! Trying out a new school is sort of like trying a new antidepressant<g. There is no predicting how it will work out, you just have to jump in and give it a try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Fortunately, you got wind of these problems early on. Katie is resilient, in a few months this will be a distant memory for her, and for you as well. Dawn, I have read this thread…. and I`m very concerned for your well-being. You sound terribly stressed, overwhelmed and sad. Did you make that appt to get back into counseling? If you haven`t, please do so today! You don`t have to suffer this way anymore. (((((Dawn))))) Jackie ~*~My halo is temporarily out of order~*~ — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi, Dawn, Hopefully, Katie will get back into her old school soon. Reassure her this is in the works and could occur at any time and that you are doing all you can to help make this situation better for her. For now she has to hang in there but soon she will be back with her old friends. Have you considered talking with a therapist about your negative feelings about yourself. I think seeing an objective person could benefit you tremendously. Don’t doubt yourself on being a good and concerned mother – because this YOU ARE! smiles, Elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you, Elise. I reviewed our options and they are slim. I did put her on the waiting list at her old school (I’m first). Maybe something will happen there. You know, though, as concerned as I am, I’m still royally screwing things up. How I manage this, I don’t know. I can’t think about it anymore–I’m so tired. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks for holding the bucket, Margrove–that really helps , as does your great advice. I have since discussed this school situation with a couple of people at Katie’s old school who have knowledge of it (her current school) and they said the people there are just like that–very cliquey and unfriendly. Gee, I wish I’d known this beforehand! If there’s anything I’m going to have a problem with, it’s that. I went to her old school and put her on the waiting list. She’s #1 (the only one), so if an opening comes up, she gets it. If it’s during this year, preferably no later than January, I’ll switch her back. If it’s later, I might have to evaluate where she’s at and see if she wants to switch again. After all, she is making friends, slowly, but making friends. I just feel so damn rotten for doing this to her. My poor baby 
. Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Oh, honey, don’t beat yourself up over it. I remember going to stuck-up schools in the past and I got over it. If you want to transfer Katie back to her old school, fine, but don’t berate yourself for trying to give her a better quality of life. You’re a good mom. Katie’s a really lucky girl to have you. kili — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ((((((Dawn)))))) The sentence that leaped out at me was "I’m a good girl, really." Seems like something a child would say when unjustly accused or unjustly punished. I would suggest that you make sure you’re not accusing or punishing yourself — in and out of a therapy environment. You’ll get through this, and you have excellent intentions that will go a long way to help that. I am unfamiliar with situations like you are currently experiencing, so I don’t have any practical type of advice. I think therapy is an excellent thing for you. Hang in there kid, and hold off on the self-punishment. Love Deirdre
Deirdre, I probably should’ve put a smiley face by that, but now that I think about it, I probably was more serious than I realize. My life is all about punishing myself. It’s to the point that I don’t think I can do this anymore. No worries, suicide is something I wouldn’t have the energy for anyway, even if I was so inclined. I’m more likely to just withdraw completely and batten down the hatches. I give up. Thanks for caring, my friend. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Dear Friends, Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language. I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get? Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this? I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me. I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now. Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size. I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing, and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical. Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom. It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning . Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m, so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really. I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m calling to get back into counseling now. If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi, Dawn, "review your options and take some action that helps you regain some clarity and resolve" – I can’t think of anything better than what LM has said. You DO have options. Sit down with Stephen and review the options. Make him be a part of this decision-making process. Dawn, for the record, you are a very loving and concerned mother. Having worked in a school system I know the little involvement some parent show, if any about their child’s education. Deep breathe and set priorities for Katie’s education and happiness. smiles, Elise
Thank you, Elise. I reviewed our options and they are slim. I did put her on the waiting list at her old school (I’m first). Maybe something will happen there. You know, though, as concerned as I am, I’m still royally screwing things up. How I manage this, I don’t know. I can’t think about it anymore–I’m so tired. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Friends, excuse my lack of usual insight and wisdom, I have a real nasty uri and I feel really lousy….. Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal. I have found that increasingly, there are more incompetent teachers out there and fairly ineffective administrators who are vastly overpaid and underworked-there are of course, exceptions to what I have just stated…. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language. I was talking to a teacher just this morning who was complaining that in his new job, the principal had given him an option as to a lunch period to accomodate various schedules that were conflicting. The prinicpal was pushing for an early lunch with no break later in the afternoon-this person is a diabetic and this would have presented many health related issues-so the teacher told the Principal NO-the prinicpal simply said, "ok" and turned her back on the teacher-This enraged the teacher and allowed him to create a paranoid set of ideas that the principal is no out to get him and being disrespectful–the reality is that even if the teacher agreed to the recommended lunch period the principal may have still simply turned her back on him-she may just be like this, or perhaps she had other things to attend to or is just socially inept-the emotional investment the teacher made regarding this was way overboard and just made the teacher feel; badly, impotent, angry and disrespected-when in fact all it meant was the other person didn’t act the way the teacher wanted-nay demanded… lesson learned-we don;t always get what we want and very rarely get what we demand-demandingness leads to emotional pain, overgeneralizing, black and white thinking, discounting the positive and accentuating the negative-you are telling yourself all kinds of erroneous things about the people who you preceive to be unfriendly-namely they have to be since you deserve them to be-after all you are friendly to them another one–years ago I joined this beach club because my spouse wanted to play tennis there-I just wanted a place to spread out on a lounge chair and read, snooze, take a swim and relax–the folks there were pretty cliquey-I was pleasant enough but didn’t engage in any real involved conversations or fall in line with the bragging club rites-just layed around doin my thing-After a period of time I just had no interaction with the people there-I refused to give out medical advise, or engage in coversations that primarily were designed to use me for their needs or desire with little interest in me as a person-so time went by and the seasons went by and eventually a few years went by-some people left or dropped out or moved away and I just hung out when I went there in my own space doing my own thing.. I could care less about making small talk or playing some superficial mind game-One summer a few years later my wife was hospitalized for a period of time for some tests and treatments and these people who were not a part of my life at all, began bringing me food, calling about how my wife was doing, visiting her in the hospital, and being incredibly supportive actually quite decent warm and friendly people—when the crisis was over, they went back to being their former selves - Some people have a dysfunctional perception of being friendly, or of being warm and caring on a daily basis, or under less then tragic circumstances-we all have our own baggage I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get? tjhe school is really all about the education of its students-the other aspects of an education like teamwork and a "community" are lofty goals that usually only facilitate the leaders of those teams and the politics of "showing off" how great they all work together Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this? it is called a teacher who has other priorities and possible issues with parents or "peers" I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me. why bother-I would just keep at trying to contact her until I would give her the out–"apparently you have no interest in my opinons or help regarding this festivity so I will discontinue my involvement at this juncture" this will usually get some response since your next move would be to complain to her superiors-a no win for her… I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now. I feel like a young kid–but I’m not-feelings lie. What you are stating is that what you fear is that you may be chronically upset by others behaviors-when in fact you do not control others behaviors, only your own, so why invest in upset Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size. community is not based on size but content I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth try and replace it with a good taste regardless of whether you move to this neigborhood or stay in your old one-if you hold onto the bad taste you will have a bad expression on your face-you attract more flies with sugar then vinegar (although one can make an argument for shit as well) even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. Complain to him about her behavior she may get it faster They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing, oh so does everyone else-so what, most often those who can’t do-teach. And everyone wants others to view them as being much more an icon of perfection then they really are- and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. maybe they are afraid of you, afraid you may move into their clique and take over, or be more important then them-people can get real territorial about social position in small bedroom communities (sorry for the generalization people) I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical. maybe their cultists? Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom. constipation? It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning But if your perkier, smarter, ,ore involved, brighter, more creative or look better then watch out Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m, as long as you brush your teeth so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really. but your not one of them you haven’t passed the initiation rites yet I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up (but I am eating myself up over this petty non life or death stuff. , esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. (meaning, I love my house and death really really sucks) You don’t need to validate going back to what you had if that’s what you want and is in your best interest-You do know this don’t you? Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell
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Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Dawn … What Margrove said. Anxiety can drive us crazy as we try to second-guess people’s motives. Sometimes the truth may be that we, as individuals, simply aren’t on other people’s radar yet — not that they have an active dislike of us or are disapproving of our lifestyle, etc. I feel as if your mind is chasing dozens of imaginary rabbits down invisible holes as you try to figure out why they might not like you and where you "went wrong." Try to stay focused on next steps, not recriminations or speculation. As LM said, we all make mistakes, or decide to change our minds. It’s part of the learning curve that goes with being human. I hope you can get your daughter back into her previous school and that your anxiety begins to flatten a bit. You sound truly miserable! :-( I’m glad that you’re getting back into therapy. Talking this stuff out with someone impartial will be a huge relief, and it hopefully will help you identify some of your cognitive distortions and correct them so you can be more at peace. (((((((Dawn))))))) xxoo Anne
Anne, Thank you. Yes, my mind is all over the place. I honestly can’t remember ever being this depressed, or at least not since high school or thereabouts. It’s very bad. Miserable doesn’t even begin to touch on how I feel. If it doesn’t get better soon, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been checked into a hospital situation for depression, but I probably should have. That may have to happen this time. I can’t seem to pull myself out of this. I suspect my obsession with Katie’s school situation is just a symptom of the bigger problem. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ll hold your puke bucket Your concerns are probably acurate but your response to them is a bit over the top-remember you have options to do all kinds of things, of which you are doing. I am sure some of these people are nice and your kind of folk, but maybe they just aren’t-it seems that it is a bit more of a concentrated population that would be buried and absorbed in the old school-so maybe they just aren’t for you, maybe they are afraid of you, maybe they are insecure, maybe they are stuck up, maybe they are really a cult—Dawn, don’t fragment yourself over this, you aren’t a bad person, a bad mother or a lunatic for wanting "better" for your daughter or yourself-it’s ok to make a mistake, or to try something you think is better-the only thing I hope you have better, is aim, if I am holding that bucket for you.. Please don’t think for a minute that others behaviors are defining of you or them for that matter-there may be all kinds of reasons why things appear the way they do-bottom line is want your family’s happiness so much, you take it on the chin when you think it is in jeapordy-it is a truly noble thing, but one that causes you such un ending pain that you simply don’t have to feel You don’t have to move-you don’t have to enroll your daughter in this school you don’t have to take crap from anyone including your family- or yourself review your options and take some action that helps you regain some clarity and resolve
Thanks for holding the bucket, Margrove–that really helps , as does your great advice. I have since discussed this school situation with a couple of people at Katie’s old school who have knowledge of it (her current school) and they said the people there are just like that–very cliquey and unfriendly. Gee, I wish I’d known this beforehand! If there’s anything I’m going to have a problem with, it’s that. I went to her old school and put her on the waiting list. She’s #1 (the only one), so if an opening comes up, she gets it. If it’s during this year, preferably no later than January, I’ll switch her back. If it’s later, I might have to evaluate where she’s at and see if she wants to switch again. After all, she is making friends, slowly, but making friends. I just feel so damn rotten for doing this to her. My poor baby . Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Friends, Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language. I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get? Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this? I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me. I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now. Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size. I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing, and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical. Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom. It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning . Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m, so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really. I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m calling to get back into counseling now. If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Love, Dawn
((((((Dawn)))))) The sentence that leaped out at me was "I’m a good girl, really." Seems like something a child would say when unjustly accused or unjustly punished. I would suggest that you make sure you’re not accusing or punishing yourself — in and out of a therapy environment. You’ll get through this, and you have excellent intentions that will go a long way to help that. I am unfamiliar with situations like you are currently experiencing, so I don’t have any practical type of advice. I think therapy is an excellent thing for you. Hang in there kid, and hold off on the self-punishment. Love Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi Dawn … What Margrove said. Anxiety can drive us crazy as we try to second-guess people’s motives. Sometimes the truth may be that we, as individuals, simply aren’t on other people’s radar yet — not that they have an active dislike of us or are disapproving of our lifestyle, etc. I feel as if your mind is chasing dozens of imaginary rabbits down invisible holes as you try to figure out why they might not like you and where you "went wrong." Try to stay focused on next steps, not recriminations or speculation. As LM said, we all make mistakes, or decide to change our minds. It’s part of the learning curve that goes with being human. I hope you can get your daughter back into her previous school and that your anxiety begins to flatten a bit. You sound truly miserable! :-( I’m glad that you’re getting back into therapy. Talking this stuff out with someone impartial will be a huge relief, and it hopefully will help you identify some of your cognitive distortions and correct them so you can be more at peace. (((((((Dawn))))))) xxoo Anne — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi, Dawn, "review your options and take some action that helps you regain some clarity and resolve" – I can’t think of anything better than what LM has said. You DO have options. Sit down with Stephen and review the options. Make him be a part of this decision-making process. Dawn, for the record, you are a very loving and concerned mother. Having worked in a school system I know the little involvement some parent show, if any about their child’s education. Deep breathe and set priorities for Katie’s education and happiness. smiles, Elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Friends, Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language. I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get? Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this? I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me. I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now. Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size. I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing, and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical. Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom. It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning . Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m, so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really. I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m calling to get back into counseling now. If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Love, Dawn I’ll hold your puke bucket Your concerns are probably acurate but your response to them is a bit over the top-remember you have options to do all kinds of things, of which you are doing. I am sure some of these people are nice and your kind of folk, but maybe they just aren’t-it seems that it is a bit more of a concentrated population that would be buried and absorbed in the old school-so maybe they just aren’t for you, maybe they are afraid of you, maybe they are insecure, maybe they are stuck up, maybe they are really a cult—Dawn, don’t fragment yourself over this, you aren’t a bad person, a bad mother or a lunatic for wanting "better" for your daughter or yourself-it’s ok to make a mistake, or to try something you think is better-the only thing I hope you have better, is aim, if I am holding that bucket for you.. Please don’t think for a minute that others behaviors are defining of you or them for that matter-there may be all kinds of reasons why things appear the way they do-bottom line is want your family’s happiness so much, you take it on the chin when you think it is in jeapordy-it is a truly noble thing, but one that causes you such un ending pain that you simply don’t have to feel You don’t have to move-you don’t have to enroll your daughter in this school you don’t have to take crap from anyone including your family- or yourself review your options and take some action that helps you regain some clarity and resolve — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Dear Friends, Well, it’s official: I HATE Katie’s new school and she doesn’t like it either. If you’d told me before I put here there that we would be subjected to the most unfriendly people on the planet, I never would’ve believed it. Now I do. I can’t believe these parents and teachers and administrators–they’re actually kind of unreal. I’m friendly and I try to talk to them and say hello, etc., and most of the time they either say hi without smiling and then look away/move away, ignore me, or look at me with a blank stare like I’m speaking a foreign language. I’ve never in my life come across people like this. This school is supposed to be all about community and teamwork and sharing and this is what we get? Besides the blank stares/unfriendly attitudes, I tried to get involved with the PTA and help out with the fall festival. I missed the last meeting b/c I was sick, but I am in charge with another woman, who presented my ideas (I emailed some to her) at the meeting. The lead teacher loved them, but I can’t get a hold of this woman. She won’t email me or call me back. What the h-e-double hockeysticks am I supposed to do if she won’t work with me? What kind of insanity is this? I’m getting really paranoid from the combination of the unfriendly atmosphere and her avoidance of me. I feel like I’m going to hurl 24/7 now. Today I’m actually going back to her old school and putting in an application. There’s a good chance she could get back in b/c there’s no wait list for 4th grade. It’s a sad, sad, SAD day, folks, when her old school is a better option. Well, at least there the kids/teachers/parents were friendly and it did feel like a community, despite being four times the size. I would have to say that this school experience has soured me on the whole neighborhood, which is where we wanted to move to. If this is an example of the people in there, I don’t want to have anything to do with it. I’d be living too close to them for my comfort. I know that’s probably ridiculous because there’s only 65 kids at this school and I’ve had contact with maybe 1/4 of that in parents, but still…it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I even want to drop my realtors because they live there and the man is the husband of the unfriendly lead teacher at this crazy school. They portray themselves as warm and fuzzy, community-oriented, nurturing, and I can’t think of anything farther from the truth. I’m really at a loss because I feel like I’ve done something to make these people dislike me and I can’t for the life of me think of what it was. I’ve never had this problem at any other school Katie’s attended (3, including a preschool in Colorado). The only thing I can think of is a lot of the people at the school and in Civano, the community, are very environmentally conscious and kind of radical. Not all of them, mind you, but a lot. They tend to be angry all the time for reasons I cannot fathom. It’s the same thing as being a rabid conservative–any polarization causes problems. But it’s not like I’m driving a huge SUV, wearing fur, tons of makeup, and drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup every morning . Besides, there are tons of SUV’s parked out front. My minivan is a Prius compared to some of these. I don’t wear makeup and barely brush my hair in the a.m, so I don’t see how they could have me typed as a crass consumer materialist based on what they’ve seen. Do they just hate everyone because we’re all destroying the planet, or what? Any ideas? I recycle, I vote green, I’m a good girl, really. I know this is petty stuff and not a life or death situation, but it’s eating me up, esp. when combined with the traumatic death I just witnessed two months ago and the fact our house is on the market. Well, thanks for reading, if you got this far. I just needed to tell someone. I’m really quite depressed about it, dangerously so, I’d say. I’m calling to get back into counseling now. If anyone has any alternative explanations for the behavior of these people, I’m all ears. Fix my cognitive distortions, of which there are many . Love, Dawn
I’ll hold your puke bucket Your concerns are probably acurate but your response to them is a bit over the top-remember you have options to do all kinds of things, of which you are doing. I am sure some of these people are nice and your kind of folk, but maybe they just aren’t-it seems that it is a bit more of a concentrated population that would be buried and absorbed in the old school-so maybe they just aren’t for you, maybe they are afraid of you, maybe they are insecure, maybe they are stuck up, maybe they are really a cult—Dawn, don’t fragment yourself over this, you aren’t a bad person, a bad mother or a lunatic for wanting "better" for your daughter or yourself-it’s ok to make a mistake, or to try something you think is better-the only thing I hope you have better, is aim, if I am holding that bucket for you.. Please don’t think for a minute that others behaviors are defining of you or them for that matter-there may be all kinds of reasons why things appear the way they do-bottom line is want your family’s happiness so much, you take it on the chin when you think it is in jeapordy-it is a truly noble thing, but one that causes you such un ending pain that you simply don’t have to feel You don’t have to move-you don’t have to enroll your daughter in this school you don’t have to take crap from anyone including your family- or yourself review your options and take some action that helps you regain some clarity and resolve — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
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