Depression Learning

depression just a mood?

Question:

after being nearly two weeks in the hospital for attempted suicide I am back home with my family a week ago. I still hate life and still want to end it. My doctor told me if I don’t want to live for me to at least live for my family (hubby and kid) sounds good right? The problem is that now I started to hate them cause they are the reason that I am alive. It sounds stupied and it probably is but I am still feeling so down that I can’t see the posive things in my life. My doc told me to pull out of it and go to the gym and do this and this. I just don’t feel like doing anything and even taking a shower is effort. My hubby believes I am depressed because I want to. He believes I can pull out of it. He doesn’t know better cause all the doctor in the hospital was talking about was me not taking meds. I am still of work too, any little thing upsets me and I either snap at people or just start crying. Will it ever get better? a very confused PolarBear

Response:

I am still of work too, any little thing upsets me and I either snap at people or just start crying. Will it ever get better?

Yes it will. You are bipolar, and bipolar moods don’t last forever but swing from one extreme to another. In normal people depression often happens when they aim too high, and it is a way of forcing them to adjust their goals to social and physical realities – that they can’t get that mangement job, or buy that semi-detached house in the suburbs. In BP you get the same reaction, but it is often pathological – there isn’t necessarily any reason to reduce aspirations, but the mind is acting as though there is. Mania of course is just the reverse pathology – here we are aspiring not just to reasonable goals, like the management job, but insane goals, such as finding a theory which will put the whole of mathematics on a new footing, in between heralding the second coming of Christ, finding a new partner, and painting that masterpiece. Once you understand this you might be protected  a bit from depressive feelings.

Response:

PolarBear: after being nearly two weeks in the hospital for attempted suicide I am back home with my family a week ago. I still hate life and still want to end it.

It sounds like they sent you home for insurance reasons rather than medical ones. My doctor told me if I don’t want to live for me to at least live for my family (hubby and kid) sounds good right?

He’s ether ever been depressed, or he’s grasping at straws. I know what it’s like, and platitudes like that mean nothing to me in that state. Sure they’ll make sense when I’m less depressed, but not when I’m at my lowest. My hubby believes I am depressed because I want to. He believes I can pull out of it.

Ooh, that makes me mad. He doesn’t know better cause all the doctor in the hospital was talking about was me not taking meds.

You had been off your meds, or the pdoc wants you to stop taking meds? Will it ever get better?

Yes, it will. I’ve been there more than once, and it got better. It seemed like eternity in a dark black pit, but it got better. — Bob B                                            bobbyb (at) kokomo1.net "When the stars threw down their spears, And water’d heaven with their  tears, Did he smile his work to see? Did he who made the Lamb make thee?"  -Blake

Response:

Hi there, My depression is also extremely disabling.  I feel very hopeless most all of the time, but I keep telling myself that the pain can’t kill me and that tomorrow will bring a different mood, even if it’s not a good one, some days are more bearable than others. Sometimes I want to end it, I have nobody in my life at all, so nobody is going to grieve the loss, but I have 2 cats and I couldn’t bear the thought of anyone else having them, or not knowing their fate.  They’re my reason for living, silly as that may sound. Many many many people who work in hospitals, all areas of hospitals, are very much involved in 12-step programs, although they may not pass the information on.  They will always try to convince you not to take medication of any kind, which is completely ridiculous. Antidepressants make an enormous difference. Wellbutrin scrapes me out of bed everyday.  Before I took it, I was completely incapacitated.  There are many effective antidepressants that a ‘reputable’ psychiatrist will work out with you. I hope you won’t take your doctor’s opinion to heart, try to remember that ducKtors are just people and have their own personal agendas. Life is worth living, you never know what can happen.  Even in misery there are moments of joy, and they make it all worthwhile. I used to have a cartoon on my fridge that said "For a moment I was happy, but it passed"… it’s like that for everyone, even those who are not troubled with depression, that’s just the way it is. MsZ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – after being nearly two weeks in the hospital for attempted suicide I am back home with my family a week ago. I still hate life and still want to end it. My doctor told me if I don’t want to live for me to at least live for my family (hubby and kid) sounds good right? The problem is that now I started to hate them cause they are the reason that I am alive. It sounds stupied and it probably is but I am still feeling so down that I can’t see the posive things in my life. My doc told me to pull out of it and go to the gym and do this and this. I just don’t feel like doing anything and even taking a shower is effort. My hubby believes I am depressed because I want to. He believes I can pull out of it. He doesn’t know better cause all the doctor in the hospital was talking about was me not taking meds. I am still of work too, any little thing upsets me and I either snap at people or just start crying. Will it ever get better? a very confused PolarBear

Response:

First of all, Mrs. Polar Bear: Get on some Zoloft or Paxil (or whatever) ASAP. And maybe a mood stabilizer (I recommend Trileptal). They won’t make the logical thoughts of Sysiphus and futility and interminable pain go away, but they will give you more of a "Who gives a fuck?" attitude. In the good sense. You’ll be able to get up in the morning and eat and function and whatnot. Of course, "your mileage may vary" and all that crap. Just speaking from my own personal experience. Secondly, the road to Hell (or psychotic darkness; pick your poison) is paved with good intentions. Good intentions such as twelve step programs, priests, and platitudes served up by folks such as Mszippe: Life is worth living, you never know what can happen.  Even in misery there are moments of joy, and they make it all worthwhile.

This is bullshit. The fact is, life sucks. Because no matter how much love you have in your life, no matter how strong your false sense of security is, it can all be yanked away from you at a moment’s notice. I feel for my children and my wife a nearly overwhelming flow of something that I think most people would call love. But paradoxically, the prospect that my wife and children will someday rot; that is, they will someday be taken from me one way or another, is untenable. We suffer. All of us. Some of us (bipolar, severely depressed, whatever) either have seriously over or under-developed defense mechanisms. We need help. For me, help starts with faith. Not faith in some icon, or some messianic martyr, or absentee deity, but the simple faith that there will be a tomorrow. Possibility. I can stomach faith in possibility. The second componment to me being functional is physiological. I need the energy. I need whatever the hell happens when my brain is saturated with seratonin or whatever. Otherwise it would be very difficult to put that faith into practice. The only think positive I would take away from what Whats-Her-Name said about life is that "anything is possible." But denying the fact that the human experience is seemingly punitive and generally sucks insults our intelligence and diminishes our struggle. If I ever meet G-d, he’s got some serious explaining to do, and he might meet the business end of my boot before it’s all said and done. But in the meantime I’ve got kids to love as best I can and a wife to support in sickness and health. Because I have faith that there will be a tomorrow. Hang in there. Signifying nothing? Maybe. Who the hell knows? Not you.

Response:

permanently into the ether: after being nearly two weeks in the hospital for attempted suicide I am back home with my family a week ago.

Welcome Back HPB!  It is good to see you.  I wondered where you went. I still hate life and still want to end it. My doctor told me if I don’t want to live for me to at least live for my family (hubby and kid) sounds good right?

It sounds like you need a lot more medical care right now.  I’m assuming you were released because of the all mighty dollar/pound/whatever.  Which means you probably should still be in the hospital.  You get the hard way out–now if you don’t have adequate medical support, you must find support in other ways. The problem is that now I started to hate them cause they are the reason that I am alive. It sounds stupied and it probably is but I am still feeling so down that I can’t see the posive things in my life.

I’ve been there many times.  Those are the times I "try" to do the deed–never been good at it, so I don’t try so often anymore. My doc told me to pull out of it and go to the gym and do this and this. I just don’t feel like doing anything and even taking a shower is effort.

You NEED a new doctor.  AIRC, you were diagnosed bipolar and he is treating you as if you had situational depression.  You have suicidal depression and they better take you seriously, or I’m coming over there to personally kick some butt! <g My hubby believes I am depressed because I want to. He believes I can pull out of it. He doesn’t know better cause all the doctor in the hospital was talking about was me not taking meds.

many people would.  He doesn’t know–is he interested in learning?  Have him read some of this group or other bipolar stories on the net.  That clued my hubby in.  But, he claims he doesn’t know what to do, when I’ve told him and we have practiced it.  :p husbands! lol There are lots of things we know exist, but can’t see them.  The wind for example, diabetes in the early stages, alzheimers, and many other things. Mental illness can’t be seen, but the repercussions can. Why were you in the hospital to begin with?  You hubby ought to know this and have some understanding of what is going on. I am still of work too, any little thing upsets me and I either snap at people or just start crying. Will it ever get better?

It always gets better.  It takes time, medications and work with your medical team and family.  You are not ready to go back to work–I can tell that from what you say.   I do have some suggestions for things you can do right now to help you feel better.  Do one pleasurable thing each day.  Simplify your life by developing routines and dividing chores to take some of the load off of you.  Limit your contact with the outside world (for now).  Keep as busy as you can, but when you feel that you can do nothing–do nothing.  Accomplish at least one thing a day (could be just making a phone call or making dinner). Once a week (if you can afford it), get a massage, fascial, or your nails done–get an hour of pampering that includes touch. Once you feel a little better, here are more suggestions: Get up at the same time you would if you were going to work and do your morning routine.  Try to do things around the house more and during regular work hours. Start adding back in those activities you dropped before.  Take walks outside. Go grocery shopping. Keep in contact with your employer–look for advancement opportunities even while off work.  Apply for jobs that fit your career goals.  You might be able to arrange to take staff development classes while off work–it’s up to your doc and your employer.  If you were thinking about going back to school, research that.  Will your employer give you work time?  Will they help pay for it?  Those kinds of questions.   Just thinking about other job possibilities can help lift your spirits. The bottom line is you need to see your doc or a new doc right away.  You need medications right away.  You need some guidance (therapy) right away.  The rest should start falling into place. HTH, Nancy Just knockin’ around the zoo. (James Taylor)

Response:

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