Dealing with depression
Question:
Hi Kevin, You ARE doing great. There are times in recovery where one may slip, and feel compelled to do destructive things to oneself. I consider this one of the crossroads in recovery. One way leads to more healing and the other leads to well…. From the sound of it, you seem like you’re frustrated that you don’t have the quality of life you want to have. Am I hearing/reading you right? I’ve been on this ng less than a year, but I have a strong feeling that you’re at a better place than you were a year ago. Meds may help you through this crossroads. I understand why these feelings scare you. They ARE deep, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be dealt with. It sounds like you’re trying to process and make sense out of these feelings—-GOOD :0) Along with your goal of laundry, try to do at least one FUN thing for yourself. No, it doesn’t necessarily have to cost $. Yesterday, I took a walk in the RAIN. It hasn’t rained here in over a month (until yesterday), and has been over 100 degrees Farenheit most days. The rain was a gentle, but steady rain, so I walked for about 30 minutes. Needless to say, but I got soaked to the bone! ;0) However, that was fun, defying the parental voice: "Don’t you have sense Keep taking care of yourself. ——Kristin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Spoilered for talk about depression….. S P O I L E R * * * Right now I am feeling a very overwhelming depression. In feeling words, I am very sad. No, make that very, very sad. I am very disappointed in myself. I know that I have made a lot of progress. 10 months without drinking, and 8 months without purging. Sometimes I just don’t like who I am though, and that hurts. I was free from self injury until about a month ago but started doing that again. I stopped a few days ago, but feel drawn to it. I feel like I deserve it, but I know it’s not the solution, yet I feel drawn to it. Something that I noticed is that I am not suicidal, and that seems to depress me more. I want to live, but I don’t want to live like this. Death scares me. But a wasted life scares me too. How should I deal with this… well, I am taking Wellbutrin now. A new med prescribed by my doctor. I took Zoloft before, but switched to Wellbutrin to avoid some side effects of Zoloft. Maybe I should switch back to Zoloft. I don’t think this is just biochemical though. I think it is more that I feel profoundly disappointed in myself. Right now I don’t even like myself. I think I am beating myself up but it seems like the right and natural thing to do. ….. sigh… to be honest, I kind of feel at risk. I have recently given advice for people to call the chrisis line if they are feeling depressed. I reluctantly may need to take my own advice but at the same time I wonder what that would do. Wow… when I’m walking in those shoes it feels a little different. I may call my doctor on Monday… but what do I say… that I’m "potentially suicidal"… and what would he do… I will not drink or purge. I know those things will not help me… not at all. They will only make things worse. I don’t see those as solutions anymore. Without those things I feel exposed though… like I don’t have a buffer zone. One thing I’ve learned is that feelings pass. These feelings scare me though. They seem very deep. Like I want relief,… a way out… but I don’t see a way out. Where is the way out….. how do I deal with this. The word that comes to mind is "ouch…". That might tell me something. I think that relates to being disappointed with myself. Part of this, a large part, might be situational. Or it might be that the situation triggered more awareness of a reality I didn’t see before. Sorry this is so negative… ouch ouch ouch… you’d think I could cry or get some relief from this in some way but I can’t do that. I will keep on keeping on, hoping that these feelings pass. Tomorrow I have one goal… to do my laundry. Maybe taking action will help. Kevin, not my usual self… hope to get back on track still trusting the process…..
Response:
(((Kevin))) Don’t give up. There are downs in the healing process, but there are also a lot of ups. Know that you are in my safe thoughts & prayers, (to my higher power). -EaRs—-<3– *Courage is the strength or choice to begin a change. Determination is the persistence to continue in that change.*
Response:
Spoilered for talk about depression….. S P O I L E R * * * Right now I am feeling a very overwhelming depression. In feeling words, I am very sad. No, make that very, very sad. I am very disappointed in myself. I know that I have made a lot of progress. 10 months without drinking, and 8 months without purging. Sometimes I just don’t like who I am though, and that hurts. I was free from self injury until about a month ago but started doing that again. I stopped a few days ago, but feel drawn to it. I feel like I deserve it, but I know it’s not the solution, yet I feel drawn to it. Something that I noticed is that I am not suicidal, and that seems to depress me more. I want to live, but I don’t want to live like this. Death scares me. But a wasted life scares me too. How should I deal with this… well, I am taking Wellbutrin now. A new med prescribed by my doctor. I took Zoloft before, but switched to Wellbutrin to avoid some side effects of Zoloft. Maybe I should switch back to Zoloft. I don’t think this is just biochemical though. I think it is more that I feel profoundly disappointed in myself. Right now I don’t even like myself. I think I am beating myself up but it seems like the right and natural thing to do. ….. sigh… to be honest, I kind of feel at risk. I have recently given advice for people to call the chrisis line if they are feeling depressed. I reluctantly may need to take my own advice but at the same time I wonder what that would do. Wow… when I’m walking in those shoes it feels a little different. I may call my doctor on Monday… but what do I say… that I’m "potentially suicidal"… and what would he do… I will not drink or purge. I know those things will not help me… not at all. They will only make things worse. I don’t see those as solutions anymore. Without those things I feel exposed though… like I don’t have a buffer zone. One thing I’ve learned is that feelings pass. These feelings scare me though. They seem very deep. Like I want relief,… a way out… but I don’t see a way out. Where is the way out….. how do I deal with this. The word that comes to mind is "ouch…". That might tell me something. I think that relates to being disappointed with myself. Part of this, a large part, might be situational. Or it might be that the situation triggered more awareness of a reality I didn’t see before. Sorry this is so negative… ouch ouch ouch… you’d think I could cry or get some relief from this in some way but I can’t do that. I will keep on keeping on, hoping that these feelings pass. Tomorrow I have one goal… to do my laundry. Maybe taking action will help. Kevin, not my usual self… hope to get back on track still trusting the process…..
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hi Kevin, You ARE doing great. There are times in recovery where one may slip, and feel compelled to do destructive things to oneself. I consider this one of the crossroads in recovery. One way leads to more healing and the other leads to well…. From the sound of it, you seem like you’re frustrated that you don’t have the quality of life you want to have. Am I hearing/reading you right? I’ve been on this ng less than a year, but I have a strong feeling that you’re at a better place than you were a year ago. Meds may help you through this crossroads. I understand why these feelings scare you. They ARE deep, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be dealt with. It sounds like you’re trying to process and make sense out of these feelings—-GOOD :0) Along with your goal of laundry, try to do at least one FUN thing for yourself. No, it doesn’t necessarily have to cost $. Yesterday, I took a walk in the RAIN. It hasn’t rained here in over a month (until yesterday), and has been over 100 degrees Farenheit most days. The rain was a gentle, but steady rain, so I walked for about 30 minutes. Needless to say, but I got soaked to the bone! ;0) However, that was fun, defying the parental voice: "Don’t you have sense Keep taking care of yourself. ——Kristin
Hi Kristin, It is so awesome that some of the things I’ve shared are coming right back at me. I’ve called it the "line in the sand" or "battle line of recovery", but I really like the term "crossroads of recovery". The first two terms imply taking a stand but not moving to a better place but at a "crossroads" there can be something better by taking the right path. Yes, I’m frustrated that I dont have the quality of life I would like, plus I think I’ve lost myself. Like I don’t know who I am or can’t trust myself. Lack of judgement for example, then I wonder "who am I"? I guess that is where humility comes in. I am human. I am at a much better place than an year ago. It helps to remember that. A year ago, although I wasn’t drinking every night at the time, I was choosing alcohol as my means to numb the pain… and a lot of the pain was from bingeing/purging which I was doing daily. So I am at a better place than I was a year ago or certainly than I would be if I had continued with the addictions. The walk in the rain sounds wonderful! I like barefoot walks in parks but I think I’ve only done that once this summer. Finding more things for fun would help. In treatment we made lists of fun things to do but I never followed through. Maybe time to just believe and do some of those things I learned. So, I will start making a list. Tonight for fun I plan on going to an AA clubhouse, and if there’s a spot playing cards. They play a simple game called Back Alley. Hope you have a good day today, Kevin
Response:
Kevin, I feel like a hypocrite telling you to take it one step at a time and that suicide is not the answer. I am in the same place. Off the Prozac, waiting for my body to get rid of the poison, but feeling so shitty in the meantime. All I can do for you is give you a hug. (((( Kevin )))). Love, Mouse
Mouse… thank you! I’ve been reading your posts about how you’ve been feeling as you go of Prozac, and know how I wanted to respond… that things pass, that staying in recovery things will get better… or at least better than the alternative. It’s easy for me to think of helpful things to say to someone else, but so much harder to say and believe those things for myself. I think a lot of the progress I’ve made so far has been allowing myself to believe some of those things. I’m really touched that in the midst of your problems you are reaching out to me to share like this. It makes me feel better… that I’m not alone and it does feel good to know that people care. I hope you feel better soon too. It does pass (believing it as I say it to you this time). Kevin
Response:
Kevin, I feel like a hypocrite telling you to take it one step at a time and that suicide is not the answer. I am in the same place. Off the Prozac, waiting for my body to get rid of the poison, but feeling so shitty in the meantime. All I can do for you is give you a hug. (((( Kevin )))). Love, Mouse — Posted via Talkway – http://www.talkway.com Exchange ideas on practically anything ™.
Response:
i guess i don’t have to tell you i can appreciate the position you are in. i too know what it’s like to be bitterly disappointed in where you are and where you’d like to be. kevin, i have read your progress over the last year and i am amazed. not that you were able to achieve it but so quickly. you made up your mind and didn’t look back. you forged ahead into new and scary territory and you just kept on trucking. i have learned a lot from your struggle and i can only hope that you take the same advice you gave me not so long ago. tie a knot. hold on. trust the process. take care of yourself kevin. you deserve it.
Response:
(((Kevin))) Don’t give up. There are downs in the healing process, but there are also a lot of ups. Know that you are in my safe thoughts & prayers, (to my higher power). -EaRs—-<3– *Courage is the strength or choice to begin a change. Determination is the persistence to continue in that change.*
Thanks Ears, I’m trying to be more in touch with a higher power and you know what… I didn’t even ask HP for help! I guess that shows how much I am in touch or believe but I want to cultivate that. I always forget that but when I do try to get in touch with HP things go better. Your quote has special meaning for me today. Kevin
Response:
Kevin, I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. And yes, I do think you should call your doctor come Monday and say you are "potentially suicidal" if these feelings don’t pass. I know it might sound kind of silly but I think that’s the best think you can do for yourself right now. It certainly sucks to feel so disappointed with yourself, I hope in the near future you will start to begin to appreciate (or at least live with) yourself for who you are. It can be hard to recognize your worth as a person when you are depressed but it would be so nice if you could become less critical and more accepting of yourself- keep fighting. ~alissa
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