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Dead Man Walking

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Dead Man Walking

Question:

I just feel useless, and like a loser.

why do you daughter smiles? I am sure at least partly because she sees her father again in the morning. i am really really sure about this. Anyway, Just wanted to rant a while.

do so. bye, J.

Response:

Moderate to high depression is what the doctor told me I had. This didn’t shock me as I knew I was depressed. Hell, I’ve considered blowing my brains out several times over the last 3 years. 4 years ago after a work accident I was left with spinal and vertebra damage that lead to 2 surgeries with spinal fusions. Neither of which worked. In fact, the pain was worse. My employer of course let me go, so I went from 40 grand a year to 0 in 60 seconds. That was a shocker! All of this fun started only 6 months after getting married to a wonderful woman. Things were going just fine until then. I haven’t been able to work but was lucky enough to get onto disability. The pay much but it helps some. My wife has a pretty good job but nothing that fills the gap of what was lost. Then we had the most beautiful daughter who has been a blessing to both of us. She helps me make it everyday just be seeing her smile every morning. Still , many problems lurk in my mind and they wont let me relax and enjoy what I have. Will I ever work? Will I ever be able to play with my daughter as a father should? Will I be able to be a good husband? Will my wife get tired of doing everything and leave me ? I know in my heart she would be better off without me, but I also know that I would die if she left as I love her and my daughter. My wife says she would never leave me, but I don’t know if anyone should ever say never. To many things have changed in the last few years, and things that we said would never happen, have. I just feel useless, and like a loser. The shrinks are not much help. Half the time they cant even remember my name! And I thought my memory was gone due to all the drugs I have to take for pain! Anyway, Just wanted to rant a while. Thanks

Response:

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