Dazed and lost and confused
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Question:
I should say also, that a doctor might give him a valium or something like that. It’s not just anti-psychotics that they’d give.
Response:
Hi Josh , You did well , to put so much of your thoughts and fears into this letter . I am thinking the same as Tom when he said , get your medications checked out , and make an earlier appointment to see the specialists . and remember that we are taking about your well being , your life , keep shouting out loud , until YOU get what YOU need , to help you through these troubled times in your life . Life can get better Josh , I know that it is hard for you to see that at the moment , just try to hang in there . An overdose , Hanging , Cutting , Josh , its not an option , We are both going through our trials of life with great pain , but don’t give up Josh . Don’t let the Bastards win , and I am also sure that God does not Like you , He loves you , like we all do . Keep safe , Peter .
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I’m dazed and lost and confused. Feel distant from everything and everyone. My dreams they bother me, they haunt me, they disrupt my life. Or pseudo life, pseudo life is really all and what it is. I’m going nuts as the minutess and the hours pass by, I dont know what i’m doing with my life, im wasting my life it seems, or at least it seems that way to me. I can’t do anything right anymore, i always manage to f*ck things up, everything i touch dies and goes away. I dont help people any, i really dont, i just make them worry aabout me. I fail miserabely at most anything i do, most recently my test scores on practice ACT exams, i completelly tanked them. My dreams make it worse, death occurs in them, and strangeness, things like bugs being furniture and other such strange things. The depression is there, it exists and it is very prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings. Listening to my depressing music mix, and im very lost and depressed. I applied to get a part time job yeseterday i actually hope i dont get it, as it wont help my mood any, at least i dont think. maybe im just scared of change, that could be. my depression is safe and familiar. I actually like it quite alot, and yet it confuses me, im on meds for the mood swings yet even though i take them they still occur. Its frustrating to have them, one minute im semi ok and the next im thinking about ending things. ‘Alone again naturally’ is playing at the moment, it was ‘my song’ during one of my attempts. Music always has played roles in how i feel and in my attempts to kill myself. One attempt it was that song, another it was ‘fire and rain’ by James Taylor, another it was ‘undecided’ by silverchair and i dont recall the third attempts music. I have the urge to take a whole bottle of pills or so take all the pills i have in my possessioon, i dont know why either, i mean things are going alright, at least some things, other things are just as messed up and f*cked up as usual. My mood isnt any better that im out of the hospital for moving on a month. I’m glad im not in there, i want to cut but i dont want to cut. if that makes any sense. My mood swings are back in full force, my body and mind are falling apart on me. im hallucinating again heard a song that wasent really there this morning. saw things last night, had strange dreams last night too. although seeing thing wasent too severe, not like that bad. But it was still unpleasent, i dont remember what i saw. im lost and dazed and confused. confused about alot, mostly myself and what i want from life. i want it to end, for the pain to not be there, to awaken and have things ‘normal’ again, for life to pass me by like it has done so often in my past. im tired of life, im tired of trying to survive. my days are filled with music and depression. the depression gets worse and worse, then i start seeing my pill collection in a whole new light. i start to see it as an exit, but i dont think about having my stomach pumped or being locked away. i wont be locked away again, i refuse to be locked away again. i dont need it, i need for things to get better, for me to find things that work for me, i dont have meds taht work for me, im still taking my lithium but it isnt helping with things. its just more pills that i waste that could be better spent on bad things such as overdose. i look at my scalpal in an interesting light. it holds so much ability, ability to slit my wrists, to cut my veins. to sever my ties to this world. i just want to crawl into a ball and die. today is such a bad day, much like most every day, i dont try to get better, as i dont see my doc for nearly another month, and my therapist next week and i dont want to tell her how im feeling. so i doubt i will. i know i shooould but i just cannot bring myself to tell them how i feel. ‘I know you hate me but i’ll ask anyway, wont you come with me to a place in a little town, the only way to get there is to go straight down’ – Tomorrow , silverhcair. For me i hope there is no tomorrow, the lyrics ring true for me, because i feel that im going straight down, straight to the depths of hell, to have a conference with the devil and to negotiate my demise. Because with each day i waste, i become and am one step closer to an end to things, to an end to life, or ‘life’ as i like to think of it. My ‘life’ isnt nice, its a mess, my personal affairs are in a mess, ‘life’ just really really really sucks. I know i know, im whining but this is all how i feel, i feel like im getting into a deeper hole with each passing day. I feel lost and dazed and confused. Thus the subject line, and yet, doing all this writing isnt helping yet its clearing my head of everything. im detatched at the moment, my brain is doing the talking from its bunker, i hear planes dropping figurtive bombs over head destroying things and blowing them up. I’m left here cowering in my bunker, yelling into a disconnected phone for reinforcements, and i sit and cry and beg whatever higher power there may be to just let me die. But they just make me suffer more, let me cry more tears, the tears are salty and then they turn to tears that dont flow, they just are bottled like fine wine. And I know the day will come when i wont awaken and then things will finally be as they should. Or maybe one day i’ll awaken from this very bad dream and have things as they might be in a better world. But i know that neither of those will happen, im some supreme beings big f*cking joke, he points at me and says to his friends ‘look what im putting him through’, then they laugh, negotiations are taking place for me in my world, the phone line in the bunker is reconnected, and i hear a voice on the other end, its death, death says it will bring help for me, says it will bring aide in all forms, that things will be better, that life will be worth living in death, and that death falls quickly and swifly on me. And then I awaken from a horrible nightmare that has been teh last six years of my life. I feel like going to the rafters and hanging myself from a noose, ’slipnoose hanging in my darkest dreams’ in my darkest dreams a noose hangs, the scalpal cuts through my veins, and i bleed , the blood doesnt clot, i feel the life leaving me, feel control for death, control over something for once. But this control doesnt exist in my world, i just keep falling down into a deeper and deeper and deeper pit of despair and death. And I wake up for another round where i get the crap beaten out of me by life. Life hates me, I hate life, we have an understanding. Things arent as i wish them, but life is what we make it. and i dont make it worthwhile, i dont know how to. I never had any reason for living, i dont want life to end, i just want it to get better. if it were to end and i would be happy, so be it, thats ok with me. Some would be hurt by my death, and i dont know why that is. maybe im loved, or cared about, its possible. But is it likely? Nope not that i know of. *wants to cry but cant* God doesnt like me, life was going just fine and then it wasent. It stopped, it stabbed me in the back and im bleeding out of a huge gaping wound in my back. Life betrayed me, and I betrayed life. We’ve both hurt each other, yet it still keeps stabbing me in the back and im suffering every minute as the blood flows out of my body and down into the pool of blood that has become my floor. Its twelve feet deep and twelve feet wide, im drowning in my own blood and tears. I just want it all to end, im going crazy trying to fight this war with me demons, im failing myself and im failing to effectively fight this war. I cant fight it, im a mess, i want to cry so badly yet i cannot. My body wont let me, i’ve not ‘earned’ being able to cry back from the bastard that is life. *Sighs* none of this makes any sense, im sorry, just need to try to figure something out, anything oout, but i’ve failed miserabely. ‘moon covered, determined to find, to find my place of hiding, try to detatch try to decrease, to make it easier on me. send me back into my world’ i want to be sent back to my happy world, where thing still function, and where i can function, because in this real world which im in, i cannot function in the slightest bit. I try, but i’ve failed. im sorry i’ve failed, i tried. I dont have the strength to fight a war with my demons. I try but i fail, i always fail. I cannot fight a war against them, i try but its not possible to win this war. It truly isnt possible to win this war. So I’ve given up fighting it, i let them step all over me, im a doormat like always, nothing new there, ‘now i’ve managed to be the one without the gun’ I just want things to get betterfor once, and not worse, life just gets worse, never better. im trying to fight back but i just do not have the energy
… read more »
Response:
I don’t mean to be intrusive here or anything, but on one had, you’re right to be concerned about him, on the other he deserves to be able to vent here without being told a psychiatrist is his only salvation. Lithium can make someone a bit jittery, but I don’t think that’s what is effecting him, I think he’s at a stage and that’s what he’s going through. A doctor would probably give him an anti-psychotic, which is opening a can of worms, because they might never want to take him off of it. It’s important that Josh understand and remember that something like risperdal is always available to him by talking to his doctor. He can call at any time if he needs to. But it’s also important to remember that he’s allowed to express himself here. Even if it’s uncomfortable to read, it may be very important that he express himself, that’s what a support group is about. Remember that people have only had these drugs for a few years, but people have been surviving crisis stages like this for thousands of years without them. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Josh, You make all the sense in the world man. i’m sorry you’re going through all this crap. Could it be the Lithium? Josh, please man, you gotta tell your doctor what’s going on. Please. You gotta call your other doctor and tell him or her what’s going on. If it is the Lithium or the dosage it can be changed but these dreams and these feelings are too much for you to handle and you need some help now man, not in a month. And, you are cared for, you are loved and those that love you can’t stand to sit by and watch you in this pain Josh. Please tell your therapist and call your doctor to see if anything can be done to help you now. i’ll be looking for you tonight online but please Josh don’t do anything harsh and continue to fight. Stay with us Josh, we’ll all get through this together. i love you like a son and a friend Josh, please stay safe. tom Hello, I’m dazed and lost and confused. Feel distant from everything and everyone. My dreams they bother me, they haunt me, they disrupt my life. Or pseudo life, pseudo life is really all and what it is. I’m going nuts as the minutess and the hours pass by, I dont know what i’m doing with my life, im wasting my life it seems, or at least it seems that way to me. I can’t do anything right anymore, i always manage to f*ck things up, everything i touch dies and goes away. I dont help people any, i really dont, i just make them worry aabout me. I fail miserabely at most anything i do, most recently my test scores on practice ACT exams, i completelly tanked them. My dreams make it worse, death occurs in them, and strangeness, things like bugs being furniture and other such strange things. The depression is there, it exists and it is very prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings. Listening to my depressing music mix, and im very lost and depressed. I applied to get a part time job yeseterday i actually hope i dont get it, as it wont help my mood any, at least i dont think. maybe im just scared of change, that could be. my depression is safe and familiar. I actually like it quite alot, and yet it confuses me, im on meds for the mood swings yet even though i take them they still occur. Its frustrating to have them, one minute im semi ok and the next im thinking about ending things. ‘Alone again naturally’ is playing at the moment, it was ‘my song’ during one of my attempts. Music always has played roles in how i feel and in my attempts to kill myself. One attempt it was that song, another it was ‘fire and rain’ by James Taylor, another it was ‘undecided’ by silverchair and i dont recall the third attempts music. I have the urge to take a whole bottle of pills or so take all the pills i have in my possessioon, i dont know why either, i mean things are going alright, at least some things, other things are just as messed up and f*cked up as usual. My mood isnt any better that im out of the hospital for moving on a month. I’m glad im not in there, i want to cut but i dont want to cut. if that makes any sense. My mood swings are back in full force, my body and mind are falling apart on me. im hallucinating again heard a song that wasent really there this morning. saw things last night, had strange dreams last night too. although seeing thing wasent too severe, not like that bad. But it was still unpleasent, i dont remember what i saw. im lost and dazed and confused. confused about alot, mostly myself and what i want from life. i want it to end, for the pain to not be there, to awaken and have things ‘normal’ again, for life to pass me by like it has done so often in my past. im tired of life, im tired of trying to survive. my days are filled with music and depression. the depression gets worse and worse, then i start seeing my pill collection in a whole new light. i start to see it as an exit, but i dont think about having my stomach pumped or being locked away. i wont be locked away again, i refuse to be locked away again. i dont need it, i need for things to get better, for me to find things that work for me, i dont have meds taht work for me, im still taking my lithium but it isnt helping with things. its just more pills that i waste that could be better spent on bad things such as overdose. i look at my scalpal in an interesting light. it holds so much ability, ability to slit my wrists, to cut my veins. to sever my ties to this world. i just want to crawl into a ball and die. today is such a bad day, much like most every day, i dont try to get better, as i dont see my doc for nearly another month, and my therapist next week and i dont want to tell her how im feeling. so i doubt i will. i know i shooould but i just cannot bring myself to tell them how i feel. ‘I know you hate me but i’ll ask anyway, wont you come with me to a place in a little town, the only way to get there is to go straight down’ – Tomorrow , silverhcair. For me i hope there is no tomorrow, the lyrics ring true for me, because i feel that im going straight down, straight to the depths of hell, to have a conference with the devil and to negotiate my demise. Because with each day i waste, i become and am one step closer to an end to things, to an end to life, or ‘life’ as i like to think of it. My ‘life’ isnt nice, its a mess, my personal affairs are in a mess, ‘life’ just really really really sucks. I know i know, im whining but this is all how i feel, i feel like im getting into a deeper hole with each passing day. I feel lost and dazed and confused. Thus the subject line, and yet, doing all this writing isnt helping yet its clearing my head of everything. im detatched at the moment, my brain is doing the talking from its bunker, i hear planes dropping figurtive bombs over head destroying things and blowing them up. I’m left here cowering in my bunker, yelling into a disconnected phone for reinforcements, and i sit and cry and beg whatever higher power there may be to just let me die. But they just make me suffer more, let me cry more tears, the tears are salty and then they turn to tears that dont flow, they just are bottled like fine wine. And I know the day will come when i wont awaken and then things will finally be as they should. Or maybe one day i’ll awaken from this very bad dream and have things as they might be in a better world. But i know that neither of those will happen, im some supreme beings big f*cking joke, he points at me and says to his friends ‘look what im putting him through’, then they laugh, negotiations are taking place for me in my world, the phone line in the bunker is reconnected, and i hear a voice on the other end, its death, death says it will bring help for me, says it will bring aide in all forms, that things will be better, that life will be worth living in death, and that death falls quickly and swifly on me. And then I awaken from a horrible nightmare that has been teh last six years of my life. I feel like going to the rafters and hanging myself from a noose, ’slipnoose hanging in my darkest dreams’ in my darkest dreams a noose hangs, the scalpal cuts through my veins, and i bleed , the blood doesnt clot, i feel the life leaving me, feel control for death, control over something for once. But this control doesnt exist in my world, i just keep falling down into a deeper and deeper and deeper pit of despair and death. And I wake up for another round where i get the crap beaten out of me by life. Life hates me, I hate life, we have an understanding. Things arent as i wish them, but life is what we make it. and i dont make it worthwhile, i dont know how to. I never had any reason for living, i dont want life to end, i just want it to get better. if it were to end and i would be happy, so be it, thats ok with me. Some would be hurt by my death, and i dont know why that is. maybe im loved, or cared about, its possible. But is it likely? Nope not that i know of. *wants to cry but cant* God doesnt like me, life was going just fine and then it wasent. It stopped, it stabbed me in the back and im bleeding out of a huge gaping wound in my back. Life betrayed me, and I betrayed life. We’ve both hurt each other, yet it still keeps stabbing me in the back and im suffering every minute as the blood flows out of my body and down into the pool of blood that has become my floor. Its twelve feet deep and twelve feet wide, im drowning in my own blood and tears. I just want it all to end, im going crazy trying to fight this war with me demons, im failing myself and im failing to effectively fight this war. I cant fight it, im a mess, i want to cry so badly yet i cannot. My body wont
… read more »
Response:
Josh, You make all the sense in the world man. i’m sorry you’re going through all this crap. Could it be the Lithium? Josh, please man, you gotta tell your doctor what’s going on. Please. You gotta call your other doctor and tell him or her what’s going on. If it is the Lithium or the dosage it can be changed but these dreams and these feelings are too much for you to handle and you need some help now man, not in a month. And, you are cared for, you are loved and those that love you can’t stand to sit by and watch you in this pain Josh. Please tell your therapist and call your doctor to see if anything can be done to help you now. i’ll be looking for you tonight online but please Josh don’t do anything harsh and continue to fight. Stay with us Josh, we’ll all get through this together. i love you like a son and a friend Josh, please stay safe. tom
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I’m dazed and lost and confused. Feel distant from everything and everyone. My dreams they bother me, they haunt me, they disrupt my life. Or pseudo life, pseudo life is really all and what it is. I’m going nuts as the minutess and the hours pass by, I dont know what i’m doing with my life, im wasting my life it seems, or at least it seems that way to me. I can’t do anything right anymore, i always manage to f*ck things up, everything i touch dies and goes away. I dont help people any, i really dont, i just make them worry aabout me. I fail miserabely at most anything i do, most recently my test scores on practice ACT exams, i completelly tanked them. My dreams make it worse, death occurs in them, and strangeness, things like bugs being furniture and other such strange things. The depression is there, it exists and it is very prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings. Listening to my depressing music mix, and im very lost and depressed. I applied to get a part time job yeseterday i actually hope i dont get it, as it wont help my mood any, at least i dont think. maybe im just scared of change, that could be. my depression is safe and familiar. I actually like it quite alot, and yet it confuses me, im on meds for the mood swings yet even though i take them they still occur. Its frustrating to have them, one minute im semi ok and the next im thinking about ending things. ‘Alone again naturally’ is playing at the moment, it was ‘my song’ during one of my attempts. Music always has played roles in how i feel and in my attempts to kill myself. One attempt it was that song, another it was ‘fire and rain’ by James Taylor, another it was ‘undecided’ by silverchair and i dont recall the third attempts music. I have the urge to take a whole bottle of pills or so take all the pills i have in my possessioon, i dont know why either, i mean things are going alright, at least some things, other things are just as messed up and f*cked up as usual. My mood isnt any better that im out of the hospital for moving on a month. I’m glad im not in there, i want to cut but i dont want to cut. if that makes any sense. My mood swings are back in full force, my body and mind are falling apart on me. im hallucinating again heard a song that wasent really there this morning. saw things last night, had strange dreams last night too. although seeing thing wasent too severe, not like that bad. But it was still unpleasent, i dont remember what i saw. im lost and dazed and confused. confused about alot, mostly myself and what i want from life. i want it to end, for the pain to not be there, to awaken and have things ‘normal’ again, for life to pass me by like it has done so often in my past. im tired of life, im tired of trying to survive. my days are filled with music and depression. the depression gets worse and worse, then i start seeing my pill collection in a whole new light. i start to see it as an exit, but i dont think about having my stomach pumped or being locked away. i wont be locked away again, i refuse to be locked away again. i dont need it, i need for things to get better, for me to find things that work for me, i dont have meds taht work for me, im still taking my lithium but it isnt helping with things. its just more pills that i waste that could be better spent on bad things such as overdose. i look at my scalpal in an interesting light. it holds so much ability, ability to slit my wrists, to cut my veins. to sever my ties to this world. i just want to crawl into a ball and die. today is such a bad day, much like most every day, i dont try to get better, as i dont see my doc for nearly another month, and my therapist next week and i dont want to tell her how im feeling. so i doubt i will. i know i shooould but i just cannot bring myself to tell them how i feel. ‘I know you hate me but i’ll ask anyway, wont you come with me to a place in a little town, the only way to get there is to go straight down’ – Tomorrow , silverhcair. For me i hope there is no tomorrow, the lyrics ring true for me, because i feel that im going straight down, straight to the depths of hell, to have a conference with the devil and to negotiate my demise. Because with each day i waste, i become and am one step closer to an end to things, to an end to life, or ‘life’ as i like to think of it. My ‘life’ isnt nice, its a mess, my personal affairs are in a mess, ‘life’ just really really really sucks. I know i know, im whining but this is all how i feel, i feel like im getting into a deeper hole with each passing day. I feel lost and dazed and confused. Thus the subject line, and yet, doing all this writing isnt helping yet its clearing my head of everything. im detatched at the moment, my brain is doing the talking from its bunker, i hear planes dropping figurtive bombs over head destroying things and blowing them up. I’m left here cowering in my bunker, yelling into a disconnected phone for reinforcements, and i sit and cry and beg whatever higher power there may be to just let me die. But they just make me suffer more, let me cry more tears, the tears are salty and then they turn to tears that dont flow, they just are bottled like fine wine. And I know the day will come when i wont awaken and then things will finally be as they should. Or maybe one day i’ll awaken from this very bad dream and have things as they might be in a better world. But i know that neither of those will happen, im some supreme beings big f*cking joke, he points at me and says to his friends ‘look what im putting him through’, then they laugh, negotiations are taking place for me in my world, the phone line in the bunker is reconnected, and i hear a voice on the other end, its death, death says it will bring help for me, says it will bring aide in all forms, that things will be better, that life will be worth living in death, and that death falls quickly and swifly on me. And then I awaken from a horrible nightmare that has been teh last six years of my life. I feel like going to the rafters and hanging myself from a noose, ’slipnoose hanging in my darkest dreams’ in my darkest dreams a noose hangs, the scalpal cuts through my veins, and i bleed , the blood doesnt clot, i feel the life leaving me, feel control for death, control over something for once. But this control doesnt exist in my world, i just keep falling down into a deeper and deeper and deeper pit of despair and death. And I wake up for another round where i get the crap beaten out of me by life. Life hates me, I hate life, we have an understanding. Things arent as i wish them, but life is what we make it. and i dont make it worthwhile, i dont know how to. I never had any reason for living, i dont want life to end, i just want it to get better. if it were to end and i would be happy, so be it, thats ok with me. Some would be hurt by my death, and i dont know why that is. maybe im loved, or cared about, its possible. But is it likely? Nope not that i know of. *wants to cry but cant* God doesnt like me, life was going just fine and then it wasent. It stopped, it stabbed me in the back and im bleeding out of a huge gaping wound in my back. Life betrayed me, and I betrayed life. We’ve both hurt each other, yet it still keeps stabbing me in the back and im suffering every minute as the blood flows out of my body and down into the pool of blood that has become my floor. Its twelve feet deep and twelve feet wide, im drowning in my own blood and tears. I just want it all to end, im going crazy trying to fight this war with me demons, im failing myself and im failing to effectively fight this war. I cant fight it, im a mess, i want to cry so badly yet i cannot. My body wont let me, i’ve not ‘earned’ being able to cry back from the bastard that is life. *Sighs* none of this makes any sense, im sorry, just need to try to figure something out, anything oout, but i’ve failed miserabely. ‘moon covered, determined to find, to find my place of hiding, try to detatch try to decrease, to make it easier on me. send me back into my world’ i want to be sent back to my happy world, where thing still function, and where i can function, because in this real world which im in, i cannot function in the slightest bit. I try, but i’ve failed. im sorry i’ve failed, i tried. I dont have the strength to fight a war with my demons. I try but i fail, i always fail. I cannot fight a war against them, i try but its not possible to win this war. It truly isnt possible to win this war. So I’ve given up fighting it, i let them step all over me, im a doormat like always, nothing new there, ‘now i’ve managed to be the one without the gun’ I just want things to get betterfor once, and not worse, life just gets worse, never better. im trying to
… read more »
Response:
Hello, I’m dazed and lost and confused. Feel distant from everything and everyone. My dreams they bother me, they haunt me, they disrupt my life. Or pseudo life, pseudo life is really all and what it is. I’m going nuts as the minutess and the hours pass by, I dont know what i’m doing with my life, im wasting my life it seems, or at least it seems that way to me. I can’t do anything right anymore, i always manage to f*ck things up, everything i touch dies and goes away. I dont help people any, i really dont, i just make them worry aabout me. I fail miserabely at most anything i do, most recently my test scores on practice ACT exams, i completelly tanked them. My dreams make it worse, death occurs in them, and strangeness, things like bugs being furniture and other such strange things. The depression is there, it exists and it is very prominent in my thoughts and in my feelings. Listening to my depressing music mix, and im very lost and depressed. I applied to get a part time job yeseterday i actually hope i dont get it, as it wont help my mood any, at least i dont think. maybe im just scared of change, that could be. my depression is safe and familiar. I actually like it quite alot, and yet it confuses me, im on meds for the mood swings yet even though i take them they still occur. Its frustrating to have them, one minute im semi ok and the next im thinking about ending things. ‘Alone again naturally’ is playing at the moment, it was ‘my song’ during one of my attempts. Music always has played roles in how i feel and in my attempts to kill myself. One attempt it was that song, another it was ‘fire and rain’ by James Taylor, another it was ‘undecided’ by silverchair and i dont recall the third attempts music. I have the urge to take a whole bottle of pills or so take all the pills i have in my possessioon, i dont know why either, i mean things are going alright, at least some things, other things are just as messed up and f*cked up as usual. My mood isnt any better that im out of the hospital for moving on a month. I’m glad im not in there, i want to cut but i dont want to cut. if that makes any sense. My mood swings are back in full force, my body and mind are falling apart on me. im hallucinating again heard a song that wasent really there this morning. saw things last night, had strange dreams last night too. although seeing thing wasent too severe, not like that bad. But it was still unpleasent, i dont remember what i saw. im lost and dazed and confused. confused about alot, mostly myself and what i want from life. i want it to end, for the pain to not be there, to awaken and have things ‘normal’ again, for life to pass me by like it has done so often in my past. im tired of life, im tired of trying to survive. my days are filled with music and depression. the depression gets worse and worse, then i start seeing my pill collection in a whole new light. i start to see it as an exit, but i dont think about having my stomach pumped or being locked away. i wont be locked away again, i refuse to be locked away again. i dont need it, i need for things to get better, for me to find things that work for me, i dont have meds taht work for me, im still taking my lithium but it isnt helping with things. its just more pills that i waste that could be better spent on bad things such as overdose. i look at my scalpal in an interesting light. it holds so much ability, ability to slit my wrists, to cut my veins. to sever my ties to this world. i just want to crawl into a ball and die. today is such a bad day, much like most every day, i dont try to get better, as i dont see my doc for nearly another month, and my therapist next week and i dont want to tell her how im feeling. so i doubt i will. i know i shooould but i just cannot bring myself to tell them how i feel. ‘I know you hate me but i’ll ask anyway, wont you come with me to a place in a little town, the only way to get there is to go straight down’ – Tomorrow , silverhcair. For me i hope there is no tomorrow, the lyrics ring true for me, because i feel that im going straight down, straight to the depths of hell, to have a conference with the devil and to negotiate my demise. Because with each day i waste, i become and am one step closer to an end to things, to an end to life, or ‘life’ as i like to think of it. My ‘life’ isnt nice, its a mess, my personal affairs are in a mess, ‘life’ just really really really sucks. I know i know, im whining but this is all how i feel, i feel like im getting into a deeper hole with each passing day. I feel lost and dazed and confused. Thus the subject line, and yet, doing all this writing isnt helping yet its clearing my head of everything. im detatched at the moment, my brain is doing the talking from its bunker, i hear planes dropping figurtive bombs over head destroying things and blowing them up. I’m left here cowering in my bunker, yelling into a disconnected phone for reinforcements, and i sit and cry and beg whatever higher power there may be to just let me die. But they just make me suffer more, let me cry more tears, the tears are salty and then they turn to tears that dont flow, they just are bottled like fine wine. And I know the day will come when i wont awaken and then things will finally be as they should. Or maybe one day i’ll awaken from this very bad dream and have things as they might be in a better world. But i know that neither of those will happen, im some supreme beings big f*cking joke, he points at me and says to his friends ‘look what im putting him through’, then they laugh, negotiations are taking place for me in my world, the phone line in the bunker is reconnected, and i hear a voice on the other end, its death, death says it will bring help for me, says it will bring aide in all forms, that things will be better, that life will be worth living in death, and that death falls quickly and swifly on me. And then I awaken from a horrible nightmare that has been teh last six years of my life. I feel like going to the rafters and hanging myself from a noose, ’slipnoose hanging in my darkest dreams’ in my darkest dreams a noose hangs, the scalpal cuts through my veins, and i bleed , the blood doesnt clot, i feel the life leaving me, feel control for death, control over something for once. But this control doesnt exist in my world, i just keep falling down into a deeper and deeper and deeper pit of despair and death. And I wake up for another round where i get the crap beaten out of me by life. Life hates me, I hate life, we have an understanding. Things arent as i wish them, but life is what we make it. and i dont make it worthwhile, i dont know how to. I never had any reason for living, i dont want life to end, i just want it to get better. if it were to end and i would be happy, so be it, thats ok with me. Some would be hurt by my death, and i dont know why that is. maybe im loved, or cared about, its possible. But is it likely? Nope not that i know of. *wants to cry but cant* God doesnt like me, life was going just fine and then it wasent. It stopped, it stabbed me in the back and im bleeding out of a huge gaping wound in my back. Life betrayed me, and I betrayed life. We’ve both hurt each other, yet it still keeps stabbing me in the back and im suffering every minute as the blood flows out of my body and down into the pool of blood that has become my floor. Its twelve feet deep and twelve feet wide, im drowning in my own blood and tears. I just want it all to end, im going crazy trying to fight this war with me demons, im failing myself and im failing to effectively fight this war. I cant fight it, im a mess, i want to cry so badly yet i cannot. My body wont let me, i’ve not ‘earned’ being able to cry back from the bastard that is life. *Sighs* none of this makes any sense, im sorry, just need to try to figure something out, anything oout, but i’ve failed miserabely. ‘moon covered, determined to find, to find my place of hiding, try to detatch try to decrease, to make it easier on me. send me back into my world’ i want to be sent back to my happy world, where thing still function, and where i can function, because in this real world which im in, i cannot function in the slightest bit. I try, but i’ve failed. im sorry i’ve failed, i tried. I dont have the strength to fight a war with my demons. I try but i fail, i always fail. I cannot fight a war against them, i try but its not possible to win this war. It truly isnt possible to win this war. So I’ve given up fighting it, i let them step all over me, im a doormat like always, nothing new there, ‘now i’ve managed to be the one without the gun’ I just want things to get betterfor once, and not worse, life just gets worse, never better. im trying to fight back but i just do not have the energy anymore. sorry for this post. it amkes no sense, and i make no sense. im sorry.
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