Depression Learning

Dating…….

Question:

Love the personal ad!   LOL! I met my SO on ASD; we fell in love before we even met.  We found each other because of depression, but it is by far not the only link between us, so I’m not concerned about drifting apart when one or both of us is/are well. I have a few comments on what Chelsea said. It’s priority to not hinder each other’s recovery.  I love to be held & babied, and there’s a certain degree of closeness in being comforted.  It could could be tempting to seek out that attention by staying down.  Because of that, I think it’s very important to be affectionate all the time, and not just when comforting the other.  Affirmation & praise are good in abundance. I think a greater danger is the possibility of being triggered when your partner crashes.  One naturally wants the other to be happy, and concern for them could quickly turn to deep sadness about their depression and begin a downward slide.  It’s important to build ourselves up and allow joy even when they are down.  And I dare say that it’s encouraging for the one who’s down to see their partner express happy feelings (only if true feelings, not the fake mask), because they’re just as concerned about the other’s well-being. So…seek out a partner with depression?  Dunno.  For me, it’s good to have a SO who understands my struggle, and doesn’t try to fix me.  But I believe that compatibility is dependent upon personality and common interests, and having a partner with depression doesn’t mean automatic understanding.  There are different types of depression, people crash differently and have various ways of dealing with it.  If you decide to enter a relationship with a fellow sufferer, get to know them as a person, and not just as a "depressoid".  And…talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.  :-)  Friendship awakens love. HTH. — Wohali Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

This post really made me giggle, so ok, I’ll bite

(snip) My questions to the group are these: 1) Should people with depression seek out dating someone who is also affected with depression?

"Seek out"? My answer to this, intellectually, is "no". However, I have been in a relationship with someone who is also fighting depression for a year now. It’s been incredible for both of us to finally feel understood. I think it’s important that you both push each other toward wellness, however. I think there is some potential for your strongest bond to be the disease, and thus you could find yourselves actually encouraging the problem. You know, all the co-dependent stuff. 2) How likely is it that two depressed people, who are actively dating, really risk agitating each other’s problems?

We were both quite concerned about this at the beginning, but it’s not been a problem. One thing that’s been hard for us both is learning to communicate really directly and never assume anything. There’s a tendency for us to both get hurt feelings b/c we can incorrectly assume the worst possible scenario about otherwise meaningless little things. Example: him – "did you take the trash out already?" her- "No!" <bursts into tears (OMG! was I supposed to do that? He must think I’m a slob! How can he stand to be with someone so stupid! He’s probably going to leave me, and I just want to die!) him: "huh"??? 3) Are there any web sites dedicated to people who are depressed seeking other depressed people (like a personal ad site that deals with depression)?

Heeheehee! I don’t know of any, but now I’m going to spend the rest of the day composing personals add in my head: "SWF seeks companion who is not afraid of tears. Do you hate to leave the house? Ignore the phone, and forget to pay your bills? Are you averse to showering every day, instead prefering to hang around the house looking gross? Do you crave chocolate and nutella? Is it difficult for you to hold down a job? If so, you may be the man for me! I like depressing music (NIN, Tom Waits, Leonard Cohen), spending hours on the computer, staying up all night and sleeping all day. I like long romantic walks along the beach and cuddling (but please, no kissing, it triggers me!) I have a dog, 3 cats, and several hamsters. I avoid parties, concerts, and social gatherings in general. I love to write poetry and obituaries. Please, no smokers or drinkers, but extensive use of psychotropic medications is fine. Send me an email if this sounds like your dream come true!" 4) Are there any ASD group members willing to share their testimonies regarding dating in this light?

There are a lot of ASD’ers who have met, and in several cases married, their SO’s here. Just from reading ASD, it seems that there are a lot more good experiences than bad ones. I have a bunch more questions…..but I feel this is a good enough start! Thanks in advance for your opinion and time, Jim PS If this subject has been "worn-out" or is unacceptable, please accept my apology.

nah! I hope you get a lot of responses! chelsea — I am in that temper that if I were under water I would scarcely kick to come to the top. Keats

Response:

In today’s instant gratification consumerist society, the mentally ill are lepers with problems that get in the way of enjoying the telemovie about emotional pain and heartbreak. Or something.

Response:

4) Are there any ASD group members willing to share their testimonies regarding dating in this light?

Well, I have never had a date, I’m too ugly, uninteresting and a `nice guy’, so women ignore me. — JP Got questions?  Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com

Response:

Greetings all…….a little about DATING! I’m a newbie and just recently found the web ring….Hurray! I don’t feel quite as alone! I would like to address the subject of dating. It seems that most of my past relationships didn’t want to believe my depression was not self-regulated. In other words, I felt that most of my girlfriends over the years believed that "if I really wanted to get over my depression", I would do so and "simply get on with my life"…..simply by changing my 4yrs + of psychotherapy under my belt and have tried various meds as well; all these attempts to better myself didn’t seem to qualify as "help" to them. Needless to say those relatonships did not work. I would not sure if that is an easy thing. Any ideas? My questions to the group are these: 1) Should people with depression seek out dating someone who is also affected with depression? 2) How likely is it that two depressed people, who are actively dating, really risk agitating each other’s problems? 3) Are there any web sites dedicated to people who are depressed seeking other depressed people (like a personal ad site that deals with depression)? 4) Are there any ASD group members willing to share their testimonies regarding dating in this light? I have a bunch more questions…..but I feel this is a good enough start! Thanks in advance for your opinion and time, Jim PS If this subject has been "worn-out" or is unacceptable, please accept my apology.

Response:

Interesting questions.  I find myself wondering the same things. I think if you *can* find a normie who maybe doesn’t understand, but still sticks with you that might be enough.  You can find the understanding in therapy or elsewhere (asd!).

I think this is a really good point!  My guy might not totally understand but he does understand pain.  Just not this specific flavor of pain.  No one can be 100% compatible (how boring that would be!!!) so you do have to get some understanding elsewhere.  It’s like I can’t fully understand what it’s like to be an alcoholic (which he is) either.  But I ATTEMPT to understand.  Which to him (and to me with the depression issue) is worth so much. Jane

Response:

 My questions to the group are these: 1) Should people with depression seek out dating someone who is also affected with depression?

I don’t think so.  I think you need someone who can lift you up a bit from time to time.  If you are both chronically depressed, you just don’t have it to give. 2) How likely is it that two depressed people, who are actively dating, really risk agitating each other’s problems?

Yeh maybe.  I think so. 3) Are there any web sites dedicated to people who are depressed seeking other depressed people (like a personal ad site that deals with depression)?

Not that I know of. 4) Are there any ASD group members willing to share their testimonies regarding dating in this light?

Haven’t really dated people who are depressed.  My boyfriend (with whom I live) has a history of alcoholism and drug addiction and so he does get it to a certain extent.  But he’s not chronically depressed at all.  He knows I feel really bad maybe 5% of the time and he just listens to me and helps me deal with it.  But to be honest, I don’t know if I’d make a decent girlfriend if I were depressed 100% of the time.  When I was, I didn’t date-almost 3 years.  I dealt with those issues in therapy and with meds and sort of saw dating as extraneous.  Once I felt fairly stable with my healing, I then actively dated. I have a bunch more questions…..but I feel this is a good enough start! Thanks in advance for your opinion and time, Jim PS If this subject has been "worn-out" or is unacceptable, please accept my apology.

Good questions!!! Jane

Response:

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