Depression Learning

Dammit!

Question:

I try and I try to deal with my boyfriend’s bipolar, and I try not to come here and bug you guys about it because I’m not bipolar and it’s not really fair for me to complain about it.  But dammit!  I saw him cycling down a bit over the past few weeks.  "I’m tired," "I don’t want to," etc.  Then, it was the sleeping all the time and now it’s "my mind is racing and I’m up and down and I don’t know what to do, and I want to go to Ireland and I don’t want to be with you anymore, but I love you and I need time off and I hate my job and I’m sick of everything.  I’m homesick." I hate "homesick"  "Homesick" is keyword for "depressed."  So, he was "homesick," and told me he needed a "break."  I was upset, called his brother and told him what’s going on.  His brother and I basically had a mini intervention and told my boyfriend that we don’t want to listen to him unless he gets help for himself.  So he’s got an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  Yay!  It’s like a battle that I just won, but there’s smaller battles ahead.  He really needs it; he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and it’s getting scary, like panic attacks or something. But I haven’t spoken to him since Wednesday.  I told him that he has to go get help and he can call me when he wants but I won’t talk to him unless he gets help.  Nothing.  Maybe he’s too depressed to pick up the phone?  Maybe he’s not ready to deal with things right now?  I’m not sure.  I know he’s home all day, sitting around reading his James Patterson novels.  It’s horrible.  I feel hurt because I know I didn’t do anything, but is this what it’s going to be like 10 years down the line?!! I noticed someone said that Sue said "Some people do cycle between slight mania and depression I believe.  I think it’s called cyclothymia.  Relatives of people with BP may be more likely than average to have this."  I think this is him.  His father is bipolar and on lithium.  My boyfriend, his brother and sister seem to have a slight variation but not full blown like their father.  My boyfriend is completely functional no matter what end he’s at, but in varying degrees and with varying moods.  Plus, it’s hard to tell when he’s depressed and when he’s manic because i think he cycles between them much quicker.  He just goes through for example, two months of up and down, up and down, up and down. and then, he’s normal for like 6-7 months or longer.  It happens in increments, and I’ve talked to him and learned more about how  he’s feeling since the last time.  All I know is that he feels really depressed, and he has racing thoughts and both can be in the same day, so I think that he cycles faster than most.  And it’s during these times, I think that his peak functioning level drops so he feels like he’s not good enough or whatever, and that makes things worse.  His brother said to me that he needs to learn to be happy with himself.  This sucks.  I want my boyfriend back. Sapna

Response:

He’s pretty high functioning.  He reads A LOT, spends his days golfing, on the beach, and he’s really really social, so he’s got a lot of friends and lots of people that like him.  The only thing is that when he’s depressed, they never see it.  They only see the happy-go-lucky side of things, so when I say anything no one believes me or thinks that I must have done something bad.  The last time, his sister was so mean to me because she thought that I did something bad to him and no one in his family got me Christmas presents although we had gotten back together by that time.  They treated me horribly on Christmas day and I had bought them all these gifts.  He had to talk to her and set things straight.  I definitely think that he misses the pace in Ireland. We live in New York City, but there’s tons of Irish here for him to hang out with.  The only problem is that a lot of his friends are here to work, have fun and they go back home.  He is not going home, and I think he tries to blame me for keeping him here, although I’ve never stopped him.  I even told him if he wants to go back this summer, I’d go with him, make sure he’s OK, come back, finish school and go back and stay there.  Maybe work in Dublin or something if I could get a job. He’s from Tipperary, but has family in Kerry and his ex is in Kerry as well. I would move to Ireland with him, but I don’t know if I could work there. I’m finishing up law school, so I definitely need to be around NY for a while at least.  If we had children, probably going to Ireland would be a good thing for them.  But now, we’re both pretty young and I’m still getting my life together. Thanks, Mags.  I think you’re right about him.  What you’re saying sounds so much like him… –S

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –  I feel hurt because I know I didn’t do anything, but is this what it’s going to be like 10 years down the line?!! I have the impression that this is a progressive illness, but I could be wrong. I noticed someone said that Sue said "Some people do cycle between slight mania and depression I believe.  I think it’s called cyclothymia.  Relatives of people with BP may be more likely than average to have this."  I think this is him.  His father is bipolar and on lithium.  My boyfriend, his brother and sister seem to have a slight variation but not full blown like their father.  My boyfriend is completely functional no matter what end he’s at, but in varying degrees and with varying moods. Sapna It sounds to me that you are describing Bipolar 2. The definition is basically a history of chronic, recurring depressive episodes with at least one hypomania epesode.  Hypomania is a milder form of mania.  You get a little higher than just being in a good mood.  And a faily istory of bipolar affective disorder. I have this.  The main feature is the chronic, recurring depression. I was always what you would consider high functoning, and was, in fact, a high achiever. There must be some place on the net where you can read more about bipolar 2. Maggie PS:  When he says he wants to return to Ireland it may be because the pace of loife is sower and less complicated there.  This often makes things easier for anyone sesitve to stress.  Where does he life now? If it’s a big, impersonal, fastpaced city, moving back to Ireland (as long as it’s not Derry or Belfast) that may, in fact be not such a bad idea, especially if he has a good support group of family and friends there.  (You could always go with him.)

Response:

Also, don’t be surprised if your boyfriend doesn’t fool the psychiatrist into thinking he is just a little moody.  I really don’t like it when they can pull the wool over their eyes so easily.  They go home with a few samples of Wellbutrin or something, no information on when it is not working and to get back in, just take these. I wish bipolar people would take someone close to them into the appointment with them.  Before I go see my pdoc, I call my mother, whom I see every day, and ask her what she thinks of my behavior the past few weeks.  I respect her opinion and am happy for it.  Sometimes it makes a difference in my ‘cocktail’ for the next few weeks. Good luck.  I can tell you are a strong, strong woman.  He is lucky.  I hope you can deal with it.  I like having you in our newsgroup. Please stay with us.  I would be interested in knowing the problems that we bipolars cause to our loved ones and it sounds like your boyfriend is very typical.  But he is also very intelligent and can make a very good mate.  With medication I have been married for 30 years. Val in Boise

Response:

Don’t forget that as frustrated as you are he’s that much more.  You say, "I want my boyfriend back."  Words to live by.  I say to my wife all too often, "I want me back."  I’m sure your beau wants himself back more than you can imagine.  But I know from seeing my wife deal with me that it’s hard for you guys.  God bless you for sticking by him.  And I’d like to say, "Don’t feel hurt as some things are beyond your control."  But, then again, feeling hurt just means that you’re in a relationship with him.  Good luck and don’t ever feel bad about coming here.  If you only knew how much it can brighten someone’s day to help someone else out when we feel we can’t help ourselves! — Allain http://mywebpages.comcast.net/norien

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I try and I try to deal with my boyfriend’s bipolar, and I try not to come here and bug you guys about it because I’m not bipolar and it’s not really fair for me to complain about it.  But dammit!  I saw him cycling down a bit over the past few weeks.  "I’m tired," "I don’t want to," etc.  Then, it was the sleeping all the time and now it’s "my mind is racing and I’m up and down and I don’t know what to do, and I want to go to Ireland and I don’t want to be with you anymore, but I love you and I need time off and I hate my job and I’m sick of everything.  I’m homesick." I hate "homesick"  "Homesick" is keyword for "depressed."  So, he was "homesick," and told me he needed a "break."  I was upset, called his brother and told him what’s going on.  His brother and I basically had a mini intervention and told my boyfriend that we don’t want to listen to him unless he gets help for himself.  So he’s got an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  Yay!  It’s like a battle that I just won, but there’s smaller battles ahead.  He really needs it; he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and it’s getting scary, like panic attacks or something. But I haven’t spoken to him since Wednesday.  I told him that he has to go get help and he can call me when he wants but I won’t talk to him unless he gets help.  Nothing.  Maybe he’s too depressed to pick up the phone? Maybe he’s not ready to deal with things right now?  I’m not sure.  I know he’s home all day, sitting around reading his James Patterson novels.  It’s horrible.  I feel hurt because I know I didn’t do anything, but is this what it’s going to be like 10 years down the line?!! I noticed someone said that Sue said "Some people do cycle between slight mania and depression I believe.  I think it’s called cyclothymia.  Relatives of people with BP may be more likely than average to have this."  I think this is him.  His father is bipolar and on lithium.  My boyfriend, his brother and sister seem to have a slight variation but not full blown like their father.  My boyfriend is completely functional no matter what end he’s at, but in varying degrees and with varying moods.  Plus, it’s hard to tell when he’s depressed and when he’s manic because i think he cycles between them much quicker.  He just goes through for example, two months of up and down, up and down, up and down. and then, he’s normal for like 6-7 months or longer.  It happens in increments, and I’ve talked to him and learned more about how  he’s feeling since the last time.  All I know is that he feels really depressed, and he has racing thoughts and both can be in the same day, so I think that he cycles faster than most.  And it’s during these times, I think that his peak functioning level drops so he feels like he’s not good enough or whatever, and that makes things worse.  His brother said to me that he needs to learn to be happy with himself.  This sucks.  I want my boyfriend back. Sapna

Response:

Your boyfriend is bipolar.  You are denying as much as he is.  He needs to see professionals to get it under control.  He can not "like himself" into coming out of it.  You have seen the pattern and it is classic for BP.  This is not cyclothymia which is mild in comparison to BP.  If they come up with the cyclothymia diagnosis, after what you have written about him, I will be shocked.  BOTH of you need to deal with the denial.  His patterns aren’t going to change if he doesn’t get help and you aren’t going to be able to rescue him.  He has a mental illness that will continue to play havoc with both your lives until he gets MEDICAL attention.  Your story keeps repeating.  That should tell you something right there. c

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I try and I try to deal with my boyfriend’s bipolar, and I try not to come here and bug you guys about it because I’m not bipolar and it’s not really fair for me to complain about it.  But dammit!  I saw him cycling down a bit over the past few weeks.  "I’m tired," "I don’t want to," etc.  Then, it was the sleeping all the time and now it’s "my mind is racing and I’m up and down and I don’t know what to do, and I want to go to Ireland and I don’t want to be with you anymore, but I love you and I need time off and I hate my job and I’m sick of everything.  I’m homesick." I hate "homesick"  "Homesick" is keyword for "depressed."  So, he was "homesick," and told me he needed a "break."  I was upset, called his brother and told him what’s going on.  His brother and I basically had a mini intervention and told my boyfriend that we don’t want to listen to him unless he gets help for himself.  So he’s got an appointment with a therapist on Monday.  Yay!  It’s like a battle that I just won, but there’s smaller battles ahead.  He really needs it; he doesn’t know what he wants anymore and it’s getting scary, like panic attacks or something. But I haven’t spoken to him since Wednesday.  I told him that he has to go get help and he can call me when he wants but I won’t talk to him unless he gets help.  Nothing.  Maybe he’s too depressed to pick up the phone? Maybe he’s not ready to deal with things right now?  I’m not sure.  I know he’s home all day, sitting around reading his James Patterson novels.  It’s horrible.  I feel hurt because I know I didn’t do anything, but is this what it’s going to be like 10 years down the line?!! I noticed someone said that Sue said "Some people do cycle between slight mania and depression I believe.  I think it’s called cyclothymia.  Relatives of people with BP may be more likely than average to have this."  I think this is him.  His father is bipolar and on lithium.  My boyfriend, his brother and sister seem to have a slight variation but not full blown like their father.  My boyfriend is completely functional no matter what end he’s at, but in varying degrees and with varying moods.  Plus, it’s hard to tell when he’s depressed and when he’s manic because i think he cycles between them much quicker.  He just goes through for example, two months of up and down, up and down, up and down. and then, he’s normal for like 6-7 months or longer.  It happens in increments, and I’ve talked to him and learned more about how  he’s feeling since the last time.  All I know is that he feels really depressed, and he has racing thoughts and both can be in the same day, so I think that he cycles faster than most.  And it’s during these times, I think that his peak functioning level drops so he feels like he’s not good enough or whatever, and that makes things worse.  His brother said to me that he needs to learn to be happy with himself.  This sucks.  I want my boyfriend back. Sapna

Response:

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