confusing and frightening times
Question:
I don’t know where this post may go.. so if i remember i’ll put spoilers in where appropriate.. forgive me if i forget.. i’m very tired and stressed out. okay, where do i start? I guess with the telling mum issue. This weekend i was really having a bad time…in the middle of a panic attack,,, in walked mum… talk about panic attack inducer… if i wasn’t already in one i would have started [feeble attempt at humour] anyway, she, of course, wanted to know what was wrong… i couldn’t answer her at first… just kept rocking back and forth biting my hand… which she promptly took out of my mouth and tried to hold me.. i shrugged out of the hug [great move.. the look of hurt was terrible] and she went into the other room. She returned about 10, 15 minutes later and saw i was calmer.. she sat on the end of my bed.. and asked what was going on.. she told me she wasn’t going to go until i told her. talk about pressure! so i told her i was having a lot of panic attacks.. especially since Amanda died. she just sat there, listening… i told her i hadn’t eaten most of the weekend because i felt huge and worthless… she just sat in silence and listened…. i told her i was very depressed, she turned to me.. gave me the mother’s special look of "you are not telling me anything i don’t already know" and said… "and?" i exploded!.. shouted at her and said "and what! what the hell do you want me to say?" she looked at me calmly… don’t you just hate that when you’re in a vile temper…. and quietly said… " i know there is more.. you need to tell me more… when you’re ready i hope you can… but the panic attacks need a doctor to look into to." i laughed.. told her no way was i going to see a doctor.. she started crying then… what a pig, hateful hateful pig i am. she then told me she was afraid that one day, my sister or herself would come into the bedroom, and find me, just like Amanda…. you know… in my efforts to protect her from hurt… i hid my ed, my depression… but i’ve hurt her more by my silence.. by her wondering why? by her wondering what is going on.. how can she help.. without knowing what..? my pushing her away everytime she attempted to help me.. i am so horrid… and foolish… nothing was resolved… now i’m just hating myself for letting her find out part of what is happeing to me this way.. why the hell didn;t i just tell her for crying out loud! in my efforts to protect her.. i’ve hurt her.. i can’t forgive myself for that. i’m going to write that letter, and give it to her tonight… i’ve told her so… late last night i told her i will tell her a lot more, but i can’t do it face to face… i am too ashamed, and afraid… she told me honestly she didn’t understand why i have to do it a letter, but will read it… but will not reply in a letter… she wants to talk about it face to face. pressure!!!!! she also told me that i have to see my doctor.. i won’t.. i haven’t finished the procedures for changing doctors and i’, not going back to the quack… i’ll tell her in the letter, i’ll finish finding another doctor and then i’ll go… maybe she’s be satisfied with that… who am i trying to kid? she won’t be satisfied… but she’ll wait i’m sure.. but not for long… she’ll make sure i do change doctors.. so i suppose that;ll be a good thing? i am so mad at myself for having that panic attack and for mum walking in on it…. talk about bad timing! mybe its for the best.. but its not the ideal way for her to find out.. it must have been a terrible shock.. there i was… curled on my bed, rocking back and forth, whimpering.. wide eyed.. tears streaming down my face… biting my hand so i wouldn’t scream out…. i guess i’m angry as well because the power to choose when to tell has been taking away… its out of my hands now….. spiralling out of control… i have to say something.. she will not allow it rest… i know mum too well.. not that she is mean or anything.. i love mum dearly… i’d protect her from harm anytime…. hmm, that says a lot about me i think… protect her… i think i’ve over-protected her from hurt ever since dad died… in protecting her… i’ve hurt myself… hurt the relationship… never given her any credit for being the strong woman that she is… after all, she did go to peices after dad died.. but picked herself right back up when she could… [tears] i don’t know where that last paragraph came from.. its a bit of a shock for me… i never thought about it that way before… am i dense or what! gosh, i’m glad i decided to write this post… will carry on this train of thought in no 2 with the same title.. there’s a lot going on i need to sort out.. if you can, bear with me.. if not.. i understand love and hugs Susan
Response:
Susan: Your story almost moved me to tears ("almost" because I’m at work). Your interaction with your mother is so similar to interactions between my partner and me. She, like you, pushes people away when she most needs them. She, like you, doesn’t eat –particularly when she needs people– because she feels huge (needy) and worthless. And she, like you, lashes out when I offer comfort. She, like you, is afraid to speak the full truth about her feelings. She’s protecting me, like you protect your mum. You’ve discovered now that, in your attempts to protect your mother, you’ve actually hurt her. That’s an important insight! Brava! But as I read your post, I’m struck that, even with this insight, you’re beating yourself up for not taking care of her. Do you know that your mother can take care of herself? You don’t need to protect her. You’re mad at yourself for letting her see your pain. For not making yourself and your needs absolutely invisible. And then, having let her see your pain, you’re mad at yourself for rejecting her comfort and for not alleviating her concern (can I hear you saying "no, really, I’m alright."?) It sounds like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Can I challenge you to write another letter? To yourself? Can you write about what you need and want now. Not to please or protect your mum. But to satisfy you. What do you need? Just a few other notes: i guess i’m angry as well because the power to choose when to tell has been taking away… its out of my hands now….. spiralling out of control… i have to say something.. she will not allow it rest… i know mum too well..
First, do you think you ever did have the power to choose? Do you think you could ever have chosen to tell her? Second, how would you feel if your mum allowed it to rest? Would you feel that she didn’t care? Would it be a relief? her… i’ve hurt myself… hurt the relationship… never given her any credit for being the strong woman that she is… after all, she did go to peices after dad died.. but picked herself right back up when she could…
Going to pieces may or may not be a sign of weakness. That she picked herself back up is clearly a sign of strength. If your mum is like me, she’ll be willing to give you a hug whenever you’re ready to receive it. And probably happy you want it. Hugs to you, Susan. Hang in there. jeannine
Response:
Hi Susan, Maybe you remember me, I wrote to you by ASED about the letter you wanted to write to your mother. I just read your post (confusing and frightening times) And I wanted so strongly to reply. I know exactly what you meant by panic attack, I too have a lot of them. It is so scary! But I find you strong to walk to your Mum, it was a hard step to do for you and you did it! You might not think anything positive about that now but it have kicked you enought to write the letter you wanted too. I have a similar problem with my mother. Three years ago my Dad told her he wanted to divorce. It was like the end of the life for mum, it was a terrible heartbreak for her. The following summer she asked me to go back to live with her and I said yes. I spent all the summer beeing my mum’s mother. I made all the errands, the groceries, the cooking, I wipped of such a lot of her tears this summer, I slept almost all night with her to make her feel less alone, loved and cared for. She is now over her depression but I still feel like her mother, I still feel responsible for her and I always protect her from everything. She know absolutely nothing about my Ed. A lot of time I want to be her little daugther again, a lot of time I want to cry in her arm and to tell her everything but I just can’t. All I can do with her is to wear a mask, the mask of absolute strenght, absolute joy and felicity. I feel so hypocritical! I need my mummie but all I can do is to pamper her and to play her mother! Maybe you feel like that too. Maybe you are acting like you were her mother instead of her daugther but you need to reverse the role. Susan accept her help, accept her love and let yourself tell her everything (by letter or wathever). Your mother seems strong and comprehensive and as you have said you could her her more with your silence than with your sometimes painful words. This have made me think about my relation with my mother… Maybe she guessed someting, maybe she is wondering about me and my problem and maybe she is hurted by this unknown. I want so much to have the courage to talk with her but I can’t, not now, I am not ready yet. But you Susan, you sound ready, you sound strong enough to make the move. Write to her, let your heart fill pages and pages and stop being afraid to worry or hurted her. She wants to know, she needs to know and YOU NEED HER TO KNOW. I am with you and I wish you a good talk with her. Lot of Hugs and love for you from Emma
Response:
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