Depression Learning

chronic depression ?

Question:

I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems.

<respectfully snipped hi cliffhanger… i can tell you that i have survived (if still being alive counts as being a survivor) similar problems, but i have not found the answer to conquering "chronic depression"… i am certainly not a person to advise you on anything.  but i did want to let you know that you are not the only person feeling this way for such a long time. stick around and hopefully someone here can help. you mentioned being single and the consideration of taking on the responsibility of a relationship that included marriage and children. as a person who has been battling depression as far back as grade school (i am now 31 years old), i would like to encourage you to hold off on these endeavours until you have some clue that your depression can be dealt with successfully. i am a mother to three children and i am currently pregnant with my fouth.  i have gone through a marriage and divorce already and i am in my second marriage.  my depression has indeed warped these relationships and made life harder not only for myself, but for those close to me. i wish you much progress and self-awareness with your counselling and i do hope you are successful in coming out from underneath this cloud. i just wanted you to know that your voice was heard, by me, and i wish i could help. sincerely, scarlett echo

Response:

Hi CH It looks like you’ve come to the right place – your story is one that so many of us here can relate to. You mention seeing a psych – have you tried medication for your depression yet – alot of them don’t seem to work for each individual, but if you can get onto one that suits your metabolism it can make a massive difference. Steve — also, sprach Bearmaster   "four legs good, two legs bad…"

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

It seems like in this era we live nature and the universe is pushing us forward. By doing that we must encounter more problems faster. There is a blessing here, but it’s hard to see because we are not used to being pushed. However look on natures perspective.  Time is running out. In other words evolution is speeding up. Von

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

is time actually speeding up, or is our perception of time changing due to the decay in the speed of light? — also, sprach Bearmaster   "four legs good, two legs bad…"

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It seems like in this era we live nature and the universe is pushing us forward. By doing that we must encounter more problems faster. There is a blessing here, but it’s hard to see because we are not used to being pushed. However look on natures perspective.  Time is running out. In other words evolution is speeding up. Von I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

Hi Cliffhanger, Welcome to the group.  The people here can help you a lot.  I won’t say there is a cure here lurking in the posts, but people who feel what you feel, or something like it, people who know what it is to have that sick feeling inside all the time and know what it is to feel you are the only one to feel this way.  Your English is great, as a matter of fact, better than some folks I know who grew up speaking it! Again, Welcome, looking forward to getting to know you.  (c: — Mel * * * * * I wake up weird in the middle of the night I walk the floor till my mind gets right I think about the past and it makes me want to cry I know I gotta keep it on the inside Everclear – "Song from an American Movie, Pt 2"

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

You are very right.  It is our perception of time.  Because as you may know time does not even exist.  It is also our perception of life because that also does not even exist and you do not exit. Even I as you perceive me does not exist.  We are only egos and our names are nothing more than something to hang an image on as per Seth. We are no more than a little wave in the ocean or a color in the rainbow. The meaning of life is nothing other than finding our real self.  That is man’s eternal quest. As always, Von

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – is time actually speeding up, or is our perception of time changing due to the decay in the speed of light? — also, sprach Bearmaster   "four legs good, two legs bad…" It seems like in this era we live nature and the universe is pushing us forward. By doing that we must encounter more problems faster. There is a blessing here, but it’s hard to see because we are not used to being pushed. However look on natures perspective.  Time is running out. In other words evolution is speeding up. Von I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

Sorry for the English (not native!)

Your Englishi is fine.  Welcome to ASD.  BTW, where are you from? Take Care, Cindy

Response:

hi scarlett.. sorry for the late answer, but my ISP didn’t update with your answer before this morning, long time after I got the answers via Dejanews..I have now contacted them to get things sorted out. Thank you for responding to my call ! It actually made me feel real good.. seems like I should have come here long time before.. but I guess thats just the way it is.. waiting almost till its too late. i will try to be a little more direct with this psych. of mine from now. I just feel like he’s not getting the whole picture, even though he has met "some" cases thru his career.. thx again, and all good 2 u cliffhanger

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. <respectfully snipped hi cliffhanger… i can tell you that i have survived (if still being alive counts as being a survivor) similar problems, but i have not found the answer to conquering "chronic depression"… i am certainly not a person to advise you on anything.  but i did want to let you know that you are not the only person feeling this way for such a long time. stick around and hopefully someone here can help. you mentioned being single and the consideration of taking on the responsibility of a relationship that included marriage and children. as a person who has been battling depression as far back as grade school (i am now 31 years old), i would like to encourage you to hold off on these endeavours until you have some clue that your depression can be dealt with successfully. i am a mother to three children and i am currently pregnant with my fouth.  i have gone through a marriage and divorce already and i am in my second marriage.  my depression has indeed warped these relationships and made life harder not only for myself, but for those close to me. i wish you much progress and self-awareness with your counselling and i do hope you are successful in coming out from underneath this cloud. i just wanted you to know that your voice was heard, by me, and i wish i could help. sincerely, scarlett echo

Response:

hi bearmaster. i’ve never tried medication, but i started smoking some pot in the autumn. That helped a lot… I think. At least my mind was able to calm down a little. Herbal stuff – mild effects ?? i dont really like taking meds, both because of the addictiveness (must have to function properly), but also because of side-effects. I have an impression that they are quite severe, or ? thx for replying. cliffhanger – holding on with 2 fingers now

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi CH It looks like you’ve come to the right place – your story is one that so many of us here can relate to. You mention seeing a psych – have you tried medication for your depression yet – alot of them don’t seem to work for each individual, but if you can get onto one that suits your metabolism it can make a massive difference. Steve — also, sprach Bearmaster   "four legs good, two legs bad…" I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

I am new to this NG..

Welcome Cliffhanger. (respectfully snipped) During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life.

Can you tell me why? I get depressed at christmas because my mother died on christmas eve and my father died January 5th just under 2 years apart. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend.

I had no love from either parent. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I

love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. At least you’re not alone and you do have your sister, and now us. managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in

me That is one better than me I was forced to quit to take care of my parents. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been okay. Right now I’m okay, but only due to my family in this NG. I’ve been posting regularly for a long time, I’d say a coupla years (is that right Von?) I was gone for almost 6 months but back for good now. You have a lot of good things in your life and should be proud of yourslef. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world.

 I used to feel that way until I realized that I deserve to be happy and have as much fun as everyone else adn if they dont like me (I’m a fat chick) then screw em. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!)

Your english is fine. Welcome to the group, keep posting and reading as needed, you’re among friends Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on..

Rockettgirl–taking Cliffhangers hand and helping him hold on. .

– Shirley "Thanks for Noticin’ me"…Eeyore

Response:

don’t know why the topic was split at deja, but anyway, I put it in the original one.. Sorry for the English (not native!)

Your Englishi is fine.  Welcome to ASD.  BTW, where are you from? Take Care, Cindy follow this link: http://www.robin.no/~trygveh/prekst~1.htm the cliff at the bottom left of the page is "my" cliff… reaching about 3001 feet about sea-level – norwegian sea-level. I live in Norway… here are some pictures of basejumpers exiting the cliff – with parachute ! They usually survive. http://www.blincmagazine.com/cgi-bin/gallery/imageFolio.cgi?direct=Ea… way

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi scarlett.. sorry for the late answer, but my ISP didn’t update with your answer before this morning, long time after I got the answers via Dejanews..I have now contacted them to get things sorted out. Thank you for responding to my call ! It actually made me feel real good.. seems like I should have come here long time before.. but I guess thats just the way it is.. waiting almost till its too late. i will try to be a little more direct with this psych. of mine from now. I just feel like he’s not getting the whole picture, even though he has met "some" cases thru his career.. thx again, and all good 2 u cliffhanger

you’re welcome… being direct and honest with any kind of counsellor is essential, i’m sure.  i’ve been finding that being honest and direct with myself is the hardest first step.  i hope in time you will reveal the right pieces of your personal puzzle and find some inner peace. take care, scarlett echo

Response:

I bought a few boxes of St. Johns Worth today.. Already feeling better ) just kidding, but I suppose it would help in a few weeks. Anyone got any experiences with this one, except for that its effect is fairly mild ??

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi CH It looks like you’ve come to the right place – your story is one that so many of us here can relate to. You mention seeing a psych – have you tried medication for your depression yet – alot of them don’t seem to work for each individual, but if you can get onto one that suits your metabolism it can make a massive difference. Steve — also, sprach Bearmaster   "four legs good, two legs bad…" I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel better about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

Hey, and thx for your reply. As a matter of fact I am feeling very much better today, almost opposite of yesterday.. I dont know what turned my mood around, but I remember being very enlightened by reading replies to my post yesterday. thanks to everyone ! It also shows that the smallest things tend to make the biggest moves, at least for my part. So, maybe one should focus on achieving something – anything – during the day, anything that would give one-self the feeling of managing to do things, or get some positive feed-back from others.. Of course, this is a LOT easier said than it is actually doing it, but it’s worth thinking of. I will postpone my exit plans for now, and will try to prepare for the next serious downturn to make it less severe. I’ve been thinking for some time that if I manage to get out of this shit, I will spend a lot of time trying to help others. It’s so hard to believe that others are suffering as much as one-self when being down, and it’s very hard to believe what people are saying. Your replies helped me being confident that there is hope. I’ll be writing later on.. have to get going now. Ciao cliffhanger – holding with one hand now (amazed by how important one little finger can be… ;D)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Cliffhanger, Welcome to the group.  The people here can help you a lot.  I won’t say there is a cure here lurking in the posts, but people who feel what you feel, or something like it, people who know what it is to have that sick feeling inside all the time and know what it is to feel you are the only one to feel this way.  Your English is great, as a matter of fact, better than some folks I know who grew up speaking it! Again, Welcome, looking forward to getting to know you.  (c: — Mel * * * * * I wake up weird in the middle of the night I walk the floor till my mind gets right I think about the past and it makes me want to cry I know I gotta keep it on the inside Everclear – "Song from an American Movie, Pt 2" I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel bett er about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

Glad you are feeling better… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey, and thx for your reply. As a matter of fact I am feeling very much better today, almost opposite of yesterday.. I dont know what turned my mood around, but I remember being very enlightened by reading replies to my post yesterday. thanks to everyone ! It also shows that the smallest things tend to make the biggest moves, at least for my part. So, maybe one should focus on achieving something – anything – during the day, anything that would give one-self the feeling of managing to do things, or get some positive feed-back from others.. Of course, this is a LOT easier said than it is actually doing it, but it’s worth thinking of. I will postpone my exit plans for now, and will try to prepare for the next serious downturn to make it less severe. I’ve been thinking for some time that if I manage to get out of this shit, I will spend a lot of time trying to help others. It’s so hard to believe that others are suffering as much as one-self when being down, and it’s very hard to believe what people are saying. Your replies helped me being confident that there is hope. I’ll be writing later on.. have to get going now. Ciao cliffhanger – holding with one hand now (amazed by how important one little finger can be… ;D) Hi Cliffhanger, Welcome to the group.  The people here can help you a lot.  I won’t say there is a cure here lurking in the posts, but people who feel what you feel, or something like it, people who know what it is to have that sick feeling inside all the time and know what it is to feel you are the only one to feel this way.  Your English is great, as a matter of fact, better than some folks I know who grew up speaking it! Again, Welcome, looking forward to getting to know you.  (c: — Mel * * * * * I wake up weird in the middle of the night I walk the floor till my mind gets right I think about the past and it makes me want to cry I know I gotta keep it on the inside Everclear – "Song from an American Movie, Pt 2" I am new to this NG.. However, I’m at a crititcal stage in my life now, and would like to share my story in hope of seeing whether others have survived similar problems. I guess no-one except my very near circle of family and friends know of my problems, far less the severity of them. I have been to counselling a few times six years ago, and I am now seeing a psychologist two times a week. During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. I read through at bunch of sites like suicide.com , suicidal.com etc. yesterday, just to get a picture of what they are saying. They all claim that depressions vanish with time (and help!), and that things will be like before again. This makes no sense to me, as I never have had a moment in my life where I was really happy about living and the future (I’ll come back to this). My mom’s family has a history of bipolar-disorders (manic-dep.) and my mom is now suffering from this disease, most probably for the rest of her life. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. In short, I don’t enjoy most things that make other people "tick". I have problems getting through the ordinary days. As an escape, I have been active in a lot of extreme sports, but this of course doesn’t make me feel bett er about friends or girlfriends. They don’t share the same non-lust for life, and this gap is what makes life difficult for me. As a youngster, I felt inferior to many of my fellow youngsters, so I changed friends quite often. This lead me into some crime cases and quite heavy substance abuse, BUT I managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me I made up a lot of dreams about the perfect life as an adult in response to difficult conditions earlier on. So far, life has been a great disappointment, and as I am getting older, I understand that the dreams will never come true. Having made a few unserious suicide attempts in the teens, I made a decent one when 20. I didn’t succeed, and today I am really sorry for that. After this I decided to go to grad school (economics), and managed to get in the top 4 %, not bad! But did it help me ?? I have quite a few friends, I manage to get in touch with girls (not the right one though), I have a better diploma than most others in my class, and I live in a large apartment downtown. Anyone I would ask, would say that I had all reasons to be happy, but I’m not. I’m depressed, and I don’t see any light in the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I am a bit scared of taking on additional responsibilities like wife and children, which would make it harder to say goodbye later on. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world. So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. .

Response:

Hi Cliffhanger If you find the right medication it can make a great deal of difference with minimal side effects. The days of being made into a zombie are over. Chronic depression is often caused by a chemical imbalnce in the brain, and meds just help to balance things out. The only things that I have found with meds are: 1. If  you stop taking them suddenly you get sick (physically as well as mentally) 2.A medication may stop working after a while, and you need to change. There are hundreds (thousands) of different meds out there, so if the first doesn’t work, get it changed. You need to find a doctor that understands a bit about depression and psychtropic drugs. I have heard that St Johns Wort is quite good, but I’ve never tried it as I was already on meds when I first heard about it, and apparently there is some danger involved taking it at the same time as meds. Hope this helps Love Steve also sprach Bearmaster – "When the only colour is black – the only sound the broken bell, THEN talk to me about why".        Spike Milligan

Response:

… i

don’t believe in santa claus anymore (at last!), SANTA EXISTS IF YOU WANT HIM TO, SANTA IS SPIRIT OF THE SEASON. IN ORDER TO FIND SOME THINGS YOU MUST FIRST SEARCH (LIKE THAT MISSING SOCK

THAT MYSTERIOUSLY DISSAPEARS IN THE WASHER MACHINE). — KEVN PENN (DO NOT SURRENDER)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I am new to this NG.. Welcome Cliffhanger. (respectfully snipped) During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. Can you tell me why? I get depressed at christmas because my mother died on christmas eve and my father died January 5th just under 2 years apart. I guess christmas is the time of the year when everyone is supposed to be happy.. it all started in childhood, when things really were good during the christmas season.. white christmas, santa claus, cartoons and presents… i don’t believe in santa claus anymore (at last!), and to me, christmas now means being together with my family, eating a big turkey, and then leaving – quickly. I start crying or at least feel very badly if I hear christmas carols… in fact everything that reminds me of the "perfect christmas" (as perceived in childhood dreams)… Every christmas the last 10 years I have promised myself to go abroad to some warm place NEXT christmas. For some reason I dont understand why before next christmas eve ! As I live in the far north, the coldness and darkness doesn’t help on my mood. It’s a high price to pay for beautiful summers… Losing your parents during these days certainly doesn’t help. I understand that. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I had no love from either parent. sad to hear. It seems like there are only too many such stories. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. At least you’re not alone and you do have your sister, and now us. that helps actually ! managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me That is one better than me I was forced to quit to take care of my parents. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been okay. Right now I’m okay, but only due to my family in this NG. I’ve been posting regularly for a long time, I’d say a coupla years (is that right Von?) I was gone for almost 6 months but back for good now. You have a lot of good things in your life and should be proud of yourslef. well, i know, and i’ve heard that before, but I really don’t know what to do when my feelings don’t seem to agree. A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world.  I used to feel that way until I realized that I deserve to be happy and have as much fun as everyone else adn if they dont like me (I’m a fat chick) then screw em. but WHAT made you feel good about yourself then ??? I don’t feel that I deserve walking around being depressed, but nevertheless I do. And my habit of not seeing joy or being content where others are, makes me really wonder. This goes especially about people.. say I date this girl, and I will for sure find things I don’t like with her before I even get to know her. What kind of "strategy" is that ??? It sure means that I will have to do something with myself. This applies to new friends as well – it’s sooo easy to reject people one doesn’t have too much in common with (not having done things togheter etc.), just because of small things. It happens all the time, and those small things would probably not have been noticed if between better known friends. Does this make sense ?? So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Your english is fine. Welcome to the group, keep posting and reading as needed, you’re among friends Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. Rockettgirl–taking Cliffhangers hand and helping him hold on. Thanks for holding on . — Shirley "Thanks for Noticin’ me"…Eeyore

Response:

I am new to this NG.. Welcome Cliffhanger. (respectfully snipped) During the x-mas season I was suicidal and these feelings are now surfacing again. As a matter of fact I am now more determined than ever to end my life. Can you tell me why? I get depressed at christmas because my mother died on christmas eve and my father died January 5th just under 2 years apart.

I guess christmas is the time of the year when everyone is supposed to be happy.. it all started in childhood, when things really were good during the christmas season.. white christmas, santa claus, cartoons and presents… i don’t believe in santa claus anymore (at last!), and to me, christmas now means being together with my family, eating a big turkey, and then leaving – quickly. I start crying or at least feel very badly if I hear christmas carols… in fact everything that reminds me of the "perfect christmas" (as perceived in childhood dreams)… Every christmas the last 10 years I have promised myself to go abroad to some warm place NEXT christmas. For some reason I dont understand why before next christmas eve ! As I live in the far north, the coldness and darkness doesn’t help on my mood. It’s a high price to pay for beautiful summers… Losing your parents during these days certainly doesn’t help. I understand that. The image of the loving and caring mother is only a memory from the very past. My father never really managed to care for me, and even though he’s my father, I wouldn’t describe him as a friend. I had no love from either parent.

sad to hear. It seems like there are only too many such stories. I’m left with no pride of my family, except for my sister, whom I love very much. Unfortunately, she suffers from the same problems that I do. At least you’re not alone and you do have your sister, and now us.

that helps actually ! managed to get through high school with a reasonably good diploma, without dropping out. So, I guess some kind of survival force is alive in me That is one better than me I was forced to quit to take care of my parents. I’ve been depressed and I’ve been okay. Right now I’m okay, but only due to my family in this NG. I’ve been posting regularly for a long time, I’d say a coupla years (is that right Von?) I was gone for almost 6 months but back for good now. You have a lot of good things in your life and should be proud of yourslef.

well, i know, and i’ve heard that before, but I really don’t know what to do when my feelings don’t seem to agree. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A lot of my problems are related to my conception of not functioning well in social situations. I don’t know whether this also has to do with not fulfilling made-up dreams of how one shall behave, but the feeling of inadequateness in social gatherings make me feel inferior. This also affects how well I can perform in a job situation, so I quit my job early summer (did only work for 9 months after grad school). Since then, I have been trading stocks from home, which didn’t work out to be successful. I end up feeling unsuccessful in all sides of life. I would like to emphasize that this feeling of mine of social inadequateness is my own perception – in most cases. Other people would probably not describe me as I feel. This makes it even harder – I perceive the world and myself differently than the rest of the world.  I used to feel that way until I realized that I deserve to be happy and have as much fun as everyone else adn if they dont like me (I’m a fat chick) then screw em.

but WHAT made you feel good about yourself then ??? I don’t feel that I deserve walking around being depressed, but nevertheless I do. And my habit of not seeing joy or being content where others are, makes me really wonder. This goes especially about people.. say I date this girl, and I will for sure find things I don’t like with her before I even get to know her. What kind of "strategy" is that ??? It sure means that I will have to do something with myself. This applies to new friends as well – it’s sooo easy to reject people one doesn’t have too much in common with (not having done things togheter etc.), just because of small things. It happens all the time, and those small things would probably not have been noticed if between better known friends. Does this make sense ?? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So, here I am, no job (because I don’t want), no girlfriend, 1 sister that I care for, but no lust for life whatsoever. I’m feeling like I’ve been depressed all my life, and I feel that no-one in this world understands my problems. My counsellor is treating me good, but I don’t think he understands that the reasons for where I am today, lies years and years back in time. It feels like trying to shape a personality from bottom, in a mind that has gone in wrong direction for too many years. Sorry for the English (not native!) Your english is fine. Welcome to the group, keep posting and reading as needed, you’re among friends Cliffhanger – with only one little finger holding on.. Rockettgirl–taking Cliffhangers hand and helping him hold on.

Thanks for holding on – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – . — Shirley "Thanks for Noticin’ me"…Eeyore

Response:

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