can you talk to your so?
Question:
i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head.
yes I can. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones?
yes. But it kills me to see him hurting over it when I do tell him. It’d hurt him worse if I didn’t tell him, though. can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day?
I don’t need to explain why. he’s been there too. Not sure if that makes me lucky or unlucky. he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now.
little steps at a time, maybe? — Wolfbitch / Laz Spashett "Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive"
Response:
I posted several days ago about being in a relationship with another depressed person. I’ve always been really honest with my SO about my depression. I sometimes feel like he doesn’t want to hear about it though. I don’t think he fully understands it or even wants to. At first, he was very shy and I didn’t tell him too much because it took him a while to open up. Then I talked more, especially because I was in the midst of medication trials and having a really bad time. I went through about 6 different meds and was totally unstable and horrible most of the time. I tried to tell him what was going on and how I was feeling so he knew that it wasn’t because of anything he did. As time has gone by however, I talk to him less and less about my depression. Partly because he seems to be having his own bouts of depression that are causing major relationship issues and because it seems like he doesn’t really listen to me talk about my depression anymore. Sometimes I wonder if he really hears anything I talk to him about. But, I find that there aren’t many of my close friends that I can really talk to about my depression either. I had a whole group of supposed ‘friends’ that I hung out with and I was honest about my depression and the problems I had and the medications and it was turned around and used against me in not so nice ways, so I think I’ve also become less willing to discuss my depression in general. It’s a hard thing to live with, and especially now that I’ve been dealing with my boyfriend’s bouts of depression, I’m realizing how difficult it is to deal with someone who is depressed and I think I know more of what he’s going through. He won’t get help though. He refuses to go see a doctor/therapist/counselor, etc. At least your husband seems to be trying. Good luck with everything. Dunno if this helped at all. Jen http://www.gis.net/~jenhill http://www.gis.net/~jenhill/depression/
Response:
At first(first couple of years) I didn’t say anything other than I don’t feel good. Then, after one sui attempt, he wanted to know where I was and made me promise to tell him if I got that low again. Now, when I tell him how I feel(we use the number scale 1=dead 10=100%) he seems to try and understand. I’ve shared some thoughts that cross my mind, sometimes there’s nothing to share–my brain just freezes and there are virtually no thoughts. I recently had two great days in a row(yahooooo)—–but—–then——BAM I hit the bottom–well maybe 2 steps above the bottom. I had a hard enough time dealing with it myself muchless answering all of the questions- 1. Are you going to start your period soon? (I have tracked this for years and he should know that it doesn’t have this effect for me) 2. Maybe it’s going to rain?? (Like my mood is tied to the barometric scale!!) Well, I stopped him after these two questions and said(and I quote) "I HAVE A FU**ING ILLNESS. It’s not the weather, it’s not my period it’s just the illness and it does this." I admit I was kindof rude, so about 1/2 hour later I called and said I’m sorry for yelling, I just don’t feel good. I thought my husband understood better than that–but I think we were both hoping that this latest bout was going to end (it’s been almost a year) I have found that if I do share some of the scary thoughts, he will be worried and kind of "watch" me for a couple of days. Then he’ll ask, are those thoughts gone?? I have a friend that I made at my old support group. I have found that when we need to talk with someone who "knows" what you mean, we can talk with each other and be understood. I still do talk with my husband and he tries to understand–I know it’s hard for him. hope this helps 
daz San Jose, CA
Response:
Lisa I can talk to my SO about anything but does he understand, yup I think he does, does he care? yup I think he does. I also think he has selective hearing and doesn’t want to hear it most of the time but I dont’ let him shut me out. I dont think he likes to face it when I ‘m down. I also think he feels it’s his fault sometimes when I am down, and sometimes it is. Do I talk to my SO about anything nope, i don’t Jane
That pretty much sums it up for me, too. I talk to him a lot…probably more than he cares to hear. I *could* talk to him about anything, but I don’t because "can" and "should" are NOT synonyms. ~~~~~The NyteBard~~~~~
Response:
i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head.
Not any more. Maybe I/we never really could. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones?
I spilled my guts to him in July. About how I’d stopped taking Prozac the year before, about how *hard a time I was having. Then I told him I’d been thinking of jumping into the flooded rivers in June, back when there were a lot of drownings and near-drownings. Abruptly, he stood up and said let’s get out of here. He never said a word about it. That I recall, anyway. I was, after all, in a major depressive episode back then. And after a few more attempts over the following couple of months to let him know how badly I felt, with no understanding returned to me, I stopped talking to him about the ideations. I never told him about fantasizing about freezing to death, or jumping in the mostly frozen rivers where I would be trapped beneath the ice…. I’ve never told him about the thoughts that pop into my head when tractor trailers go by me on the highway… But I’ve written about those ideas and feelings, here on asd, in my journal, in my correspondences with a couple of the people from asd. I’ve shown my writings to my therp, or told him about them. ASD and my therp are the only places I feel like I’m really listened to. We’re good conservative Yankees up here, and people don’t talk to each other about such things. can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day?
Nope. Don’t understand it myself, even when it’s happening to me. he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now.
Is he willing to read books about depression? You know, the first-person accounts kind of books? It might be easier for him to come to grips with depression if he can read about someone from afar… It might allow him some safety and room to think about it, and how it relates to your situation. I read _Undercurrents_ last fall, which is a journal approach, written by a psychologist. It’s a fairly quick read. Just a thought. Warm wishes of warmth wafting your way tonight, Lisa. Trudy PS, Go to the hospital if you need to, the world will wait for your return…
Response:
i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head.
We can talk about things, but when it comes to talking about depression, I think it can easily suck a loved one’s emotional resources dry. So I try to find multiple ways (like here) to express the thoughts, and I keep it pretty general with my husband. But there’s no way he can miss the outward signs that I’m emotionally unstable. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones?
No. That really frightens him, and my other friends. And me. I try to take some kind of action, make some kind of meaningful change, if I’m really thinking about buyin it. can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day?
It has taken a lot of work, but yes, now I can. he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now.
Could he come to a session with your therapist? That might make it a little easier to get started. Judith
Response:
Lisa I can talk to my SO about anything but does he understand, yup I think he does, does he care? yup I think he does. I also think he has selective hearing and doesn’t want to hear it most of the time but I dont’ let him shut me out. I dont think he likes to face it when I ‘m down. I also think he feels it’s his fault sometimes when I am down, and sometimes it is. Do I talk to my SO about anything nope, i don’t Jane – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones? can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day? he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now. -lisa
Response:
j stillwater wrote… i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head. We can talk about things, but when it comes to talking about depression, I think it can easily suck a loved one’s emotional resources dry. So I try to find multiple ways (like here) to express the thoughts, and I keep it pretty general with my husband. But there’s no way he can miss the outward signs that I’m emotionally unstable.
that’s how we were until a couple of weeks ago, when he decided to change his life and improve our marriage. now he’s insisting on details. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones? No. That really frightens him, and my other friends. And me. I try to take some kind of action, make some kind of meaningful change, if I’m really thinking about buyin it.
scares me, too. the best thing i can do when it hits is to lie very still and concentrate on not moving. i can’t do anything impulsive if i’m lying motionless in bed. now he wants me to talk to him whenever it hits. can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day? It has taken a lot of work, but yes, now I can. he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now. Could he come to a session with your therapist? That might make it a little easier to get started.
actually, he just got his own therapist (his first). wants me to come with him, or have a joint session with both therps to discuss communication problems. meaning that i don’t tell him absolutely everything. maybe it will help. thanks. -lisa
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head. Not everything. I don’t think she would know how to handle it. She doesn’t relate to it. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones? can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day? he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now. Try it and see if he can handle it and not upset you.
no, it upsets us both. but he’s insisting on it. then, when he knows how bad it is, when i just want to curl into myself and be nobody in nowhere, he sticks to me like glue to try to console me and keep me safe. he insists on complete and total honesty, but he can’t possibly understand the emotional content. -lisa
Response:
aret wrote… i tell glenn everything. but it’s easy, cause the relationship is so new. i’m a firm believer in open communication. try as hard as you can to talk openly to him, Lisa. denise
i try. sometimes i do. and it hurts him, and it hurts me, both to say what i do and to see the pain in his face. i learned as a kid that things like this were *never* to be divulged. especially not to people who love me. they only hurt me back in return through their ignorance and pain. it’s happening again. but now i really do have to talk with him about it. i wish he hadn’t decided we need to be open right now. he’s been closed for so many years. i’m just trying to live one day after another, and he needs to strengthen our marriage right now. one more complication. will i like the person he’s grown to be, once he’s decided to reveal him? and can i stand living with his reactions to my pain? i don’t know. but then, i don’t really know anything tonight. -lisa
Response:
i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head.
Not everything. I don’t think she would know how to handle it. She doesn’t relate to it. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones? can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day? he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now.
Try it and see if he can handle it and not upset you. Hugs Stan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – -lisa
Response:
i mean really talk. about everything that’s going on in your head. can you explain if you’re having suicidal thoughts or urges, or wanting so badly to hurt yourself? or just taking stupid risks while driving, pushing the turns, doing 70 in 45 zones? can you explain why it is that you just never could drag yourself out of bed on a nice spring day? he so badly wants to know everything i’m thinking and feeling, but after 16 years, it’s hard to start talking. especially now. -lisa
Response:
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