bottomed out again
Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i haven’t posted in a long time but, i feel like maybe i should. i have a new pdoc since the last time i came through here. she is a good dr. i thought i had at long last found the combination of meds for me to make me feel human again. paxil60mg, klonopin 1.5mg. it worked for several months. well about 4 and a half to be exact. then i lost my job and the person i had been seeing and had fallen in love with decided to end our relationship abruptly. they’d never even saw a bad episode of my depression. i didn’t know what to do. they asked me to remain friends and be in their life so, i tried to. it is extrememly hard. my emotions are on a giant roller coaster these days. i miss lyndanp, rob, peter of course, and nancy. i hope you all are doing ok. i missed you. i hadn’t had a suicidal thought in my head for over 4 months…. until tonight. i thought why am i bothering? i am so stupid. i still can’t find a decent job, i have a class reunion coming up and i’ve done squat with my life. it seems everyone i know is mad at me or disappointed by me. i say i’m sorry more than any other 2 words. i cry constantly. sometimes in public and i hate that. i have drawn back away from people again, just when i was starting to meet new people and even make a few friends. i don’t want them to see me like this and then have them not ever want to see me again, so i sleep alot. i mean alot! at least 12 to 16 hours a day. i really have no reason to get up. my marriage is ending, we live in 2 seperate bedrooms and both of us are ready to move on. i can’t move out on my own yet, because of financial reasons. my husband knew i was seeing someone and he goes out and does his own thing as well. that really isn’t my problem. we have both agreed it was for the best to move on, because we grew apart. now i don’t have my other relationship and i feel totally alone again. i was almost sure that i could handle living on my own but, now i’m scared again. i have to find a job. no matter what. but, i guess the cats could be taken care of by my husband, there’s really no one that needs or wants me now. it’s over. i messed up this stupid life of mine and it’s my own stupid fault for letting the depression get out of control and showing my emotions in public. i’m an idiot. i guess i should feel lucky that i got those 4 wonderful months after 5 long years of total depression. i hate to think about trying new meds again. i hate the whole process and side effects. maybe i’ll just go off them completely. they don’t seem to work well anyway and once i’m divorced, my insurance will end and i won’t be able to afford them. god, alone again. i always felt alone with my husband too. he hated to talk to me because i was always sad. so, i guess depression won again in kristie’s life. at least no one will expect sex with me when i can’t stand to be touched by men, since the abuse as a child. this is getting too long. downhill spiral here i come. =^..^=kristie=^..^=
Wow kristie – I know the drill , trust me on that! If you have no job and your insurance is going to end, sign up right away for SS disability. Also, many drug companies will give you meds free of charge if your doctor writes a note about your situation. Don’t despair just yet , there are things to do. Also, don’t go to that reunion at all, it isn’t worth more pain. Noogie BP1 Noogie in Pa. 266/230/160 Somers since 7/13/01
Response:
i haven’t posted in a long time but, i feel like maybe i should. i have a new pdoc since the last time i came through here. she is a good dr. i thought i had at long last found the combination of meds for me to make me feel human again. paxil60mg, klonopin 1.5mg. it worked for several months. well about 4 and a half to be exact. then i lost my job and the person i had been seeing and had fallen in love with decided to end our relationship abruptly. they’d never even saw a bad episode of my depression. i didn’t know what to do. they asked me to remain friends and be in their life so, i tried to. it is extrememly hard. my emotions are on a giant roller coaster these days. i miss lyndanp, rob, peter of course, and nancy. i hope you all are doing ok. i missed you. i hadn’t had a suicidal thought in my head for over 4 months…. until tonight. i thought why am i bothering? i am so stupid. i still can’t find a decent job, i have a class reunion coming up and i’ve done squat with my life. it seems everyone i know is mad at me or disappointed by me. i say i’m sorry more than any other 2 words. i cry constantly. sometimes in public and i hate that. i have drawn back away from people again, just when i was starting to meet new people and even make a few friends. i don’t want them to see me like this and then have them not ever want to see me again, so i sleep alot. i mean alot! at least 12 to 16 hours a day. i really have no reason to get up. my marriage is ending, we live in 2 seperate bedrooms and both of us are ready to move on. i can’t move out on my own yet, because of financial reasons. my husband knew i was seeing someone and he goes out and does his own thing as well. that really isn’t my problem. we have both agreed it was for the best to move on, because we grew apart. now i don’t have my other relationship and i feel totally alone again. i was almost sure that i could handle living on my own but, now i’m scared again. i have to find a job. no matter what. but, i guess the cats could be taken care of by my husband, there’s really no one that needs or wants me now. it’s over. i messed up this stupid life of mine and it’s my own stupid fault for letting the depression get out of control and showing my emotions in public. i’m an idiot. i guess i should feel lucky that i got those 4 wonderful months after 5 long years of total depression. i hate to think about trying new meds again. i hate the whole process and side effects. maybe i’ll just go off them completely. they don’t seem to work well anyway and once i’m divorced, my insurance will end and i won’t be able to afford them. god, alone again. i always felt alone with my husband too. he hated to talk to me because i was always sad. so, i guess depression won again in kristie’s life. at least no one will expect sex with me when i can’t stand to be touched by men, since the abuse as a child. this is getting too long. downhill spiral here i come. =^..^=kristie=^..^=
Response:
Hi Kristie- Glad you posted! You have a lot of changes in your life and that is certainlly a depressing fact. I’m so glad you posted to us, rather than doing something else. 
My advice is not to go to the class reunion–they are depressing. I met ppl with virtually no education who were running big businesses and making way more money than I was. I sat at the outcast table–just like in HS–even though my best friends were with me. We went to our 5 year and our 10 year and we stopped going after that. The meds might be right–but circumstances do not always fit into our medication schedule. Even normals get depressed. Loosing your job and SO is a major change–and most normals would be depressed. Stick with your regime and give yourself time to greive and heal. Life will get better–it always does. We want you and need you! And don’t you forget it! I’m wondering why you lost your job. Could it be related to being bp? Wondering if your rights may have been violated? I can’t help myself–I was a Union rep once upon a time. <g Nancy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -i haven’t posted in a long time but, i feel like maybe i should. i have a new pdoc since the last time i came through here. she is a good dr. i thought i had at long last found the combination of meds for me to make me feel human again. paxil60mg, klonopin 1.5mg. it worked for several months. well about 4 and a half to be exact. then i lost my job and the person i had been seeing and had fallen in love with decided to end our relationship abruptly. they’d never even saw a bad episode of my depression. i didn’t know what to do. they asked me to remain friends and be in their life so, i tried to. it is extrememly hard. my emotions are on a giant roller coaster these days. i miss lyndanp, rob, peter of course, and nancy. i hope you all are doing ok. i missed you. i hadn’t had a suicidal thought in my head for over 4 months…. until tonight. i thought why am i bothering? i am so stupid. i still can’t find a decent job, i have a class reunion coming up and i’ve done squat with my life. it seems everyone i know is mad at me or disappointed by me. i say i’m sorry more than any other 2 words. i cry constantly. sometimes in public and i hate that. i have drawn back away from people again, just when i was starting to meet new people and even make a few friends. i don’t want them to see me like this and then have them not ever want to see me again, so i sleep alot. i mean alot! at least 12 to 16 hours a day. i really have no reason to get up. my marriage is ending, we live in 2 seperate bedrooms and both of us are ready to move on. i can’t move out on my own yet, because of financial reasons. my husband knew i was seeing someone and he goes out and does his own thing as well. that really isn’t my problem. we have both agreed it was for the best to move on, because we grew apart. now i don’t have my other relationship and i feel totally alone again. i was almost sure that i could handle living on my own but, now i’m scared again. i have to find a job. no matter what. but, i guess the cats could be taken care of by my husband, there’s really no one that needs or wants me now. it’s over. i messed up this stupid life of mine and it’s my own stupid fault for letting the depression get out of control and showing my emotions in public. i’m an idiot. i guess i should feel lucky that i got those 4 wonderful months after 5 long years of total depression. i hate to think about trying new meds again. i hate the whole process and side effects. maybe i’ll just go off them completely. they don’t seem to work well anyway and once i’m divorced, my insurance will end and i won’t be able to afford them. god, alone again. i always felt alone with my husband too. he hated to talk to me because i was always sad. so, i guess depression won again in kristie’s life. at least no one will expect sex with me when i can’t stand to be touched by men, since the abuse as a child. this is getting too long. downhill spiral here i come. =^..^=kristie=^..^=
Nancy to email me, remove the Z. administrator/creator/moderator alt.med.fibromyalgia.recovery.info (moderated) alt.support.depression.manic.moderated
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