At a Turning Point
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This is good that you’re off work officially for a couple of weeks, to give yourself a chance to regroup and to start anew when you return to the job. I am glad that you were able to follow through with the necessary steps to achieve this medical leave! This way, you haven’t burned any bridges and your managers at work will understand that some of what has occurred in the past is due to an illness not under your control. Certainly it would be good during this two-week hiatus to set up that first meeting with a therapist, see how things will go there….and it would be good to continue spending time at your AA groups and also trying to get out with other people rather than isolating and holing up in your apartment. And although this medical leave period will provide you the necessary time to do some of the things you’ve mentioned before: taxes, cleaning, whatever, while it would be good to tackle some of that (especially the taxes!) don’t put an extreme amount of pressure on yourself if you DON’T accomplish everything before it is time to return to work. Tackle one thing at a time… taking a little action in the direction of one project may provide the impetus to keep on moving with it. Don’t try to do everything in one day, though! And don’t beat yourself up if you start something and need to pause for a while. This IS a medical leave you’re on, and clinical depression can be debilitating. So get plenty of rest, too. And it’ll be good to hear about the outcome of that first therapy appointment…. –Connie — "Starving the flesh wastes the spirit." –Kandis Elliot
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I worry you’re attacking this as a huge thing you have to take on all at once. It didn’t build up in two weeks, and it might not be all better in two weeks. Get to that therapist. No procrastinating. If I could come make you do it, I would. *That’s* the next step you’re looking for, IMHO.
It’s me, Little Miss Me Too! :~) Kevin, I’m sending you my thoughts and prayers. I hope you can feel them. Sometimes taking that next step starts with a commitment, made to yourself, to try something new. Or even something you tried before but perhaps weren’t ready for. Maybe this is the right time. Action cures fear. MOVE, push yourself a little bit, just a little. Go beyond changes you’re looking for right now are the seemingly insignificant ones, or the ones you resist for no good reason, not the sweeping, grand, technicolor parting-the-Red-Sea changes (which are just an accumulation of small changes anyway, and take longer than 2 weeks to accomplish). Take care, Betsy
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good luck, kevin. you deserve health, happiness, and peace of mind. -starfisher
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Kevin, You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself. Surround yourself with supportive people. Go to your meetings–don’t isolate. There are people out there who are so willing to help you. Let them. Kristi
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I feel lost though. During the remaing time off I am going to take a lot of action steps to clean up my life… I think I also want to set my feelings and emotions to prepare me for the next phase of my journey.
hi kevin… spend some of your free time doing things youve never done or havent done in a long long time… try it. i like it.. eat your food with your non-dominant hand, too.. that’ll keep you busy for the time it takes to eat. peace and regards, man. jim – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Kevin K trusting the process…..
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kevin, ernie larsons Stage 2 recovery. go find it
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Kevin: You are making it….do what you need to do to get better. Have you read a book called, A Boy Called It? The series is rather new, but this may be useful for you. Love, Sarahrein
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Kevin, Wishing you strength and courage. I worry you’re attacking this as a huge thing you have to take on all at once. It didn’t build up in two weeks, and it might not be all better in two weeks. Get to that therapist. No procrastinating. If I could come make you do it, I would. *That’s* the next step you’re looking for, IMHO. He or she won’t bite. <grin All I was going to do was wish you strength and courage, but I’m getting wordy now. You take care of yourself! Jodie * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
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I am off work until the end of next week (2 weeks total) on medical leave for depression. I have a doctor’s approval, and everything is finalized at work. I am feeling very sad and scared. I want and need this to be a turning point in my life and recovery. I have laid the groundwork but now it is time for something more, something better. I think it will take action, lots of it. Daily practice, going through, *doing* the things of life. Taking responsibility. All of that boring, painful, and necessary stuff. How do I go on to that next phase of my recovery? I am good at not purging, not drinking. Life is more than that. For years, I think (sadly) that I was a drain on people… family, work, friends. I need to forgive myself for that. One thing that can motivate me I think is to be a positive, productive, force in the world. To contribute. That is motivating. I feel lost though. During the remaing time off I am going to take a lot of action steps to clean up my life… I think I also want to set my feelings and emotions to prepare me for the next phase of my journey. Kevin K trusting the process…..
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I am off work until the end of next week (2 weeks total) on medical leave for depression. I have a doctor’s approval, and everything is finalized at work. I am feeling very sad and scared. I want and need this to be a turning point in my life and recovery.
This may or may not be a minor point, but it sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to make "this" the time when it "all" comes right and your life changes for the better – like making a new year’s resolution because it’s New year and suddenly everything has to change, because it’s a convenient and sort of "proper" time to do it – because ‘Monday’ is the beginning of the week, time for a fresh start and all that. But you can’t order your emotions into line like that – they don’t suddenly change overnight, much as we would ALL like that. That sounds negative, i know – it’s not meant to be. What i mean is beware of too high expectations of yourself and your recovery. For every little goal that you set, be SURE to congratulate and be proud of yourself when you’ve accomplished it, even if you don’t think at the time that it amounts to much. I have laid the groundwork but now it is time for something more, something better. I think it will take action, lots of it. Daily practice, going through, *doing* the things of life. Taking responsibility. All of that boring, painful, and necessary stuff.
Again, take it in LITTLE steps. The more little steps you achieve, the more able you will be to look back in a while and take stock of how far you have come. If you try to take big steps and don’t achieve your expectations, that may lead to you being really down on yourself and denying any progress that you HAVE made. Don’t be too hard or demanding on yourself. How do I go on to that next phase of my recovery? I am good at not purging, not drinking. Life is more than that.
Yes, and it is learnt gradually, not all at once because you have two weeks to make it happen. Remember you are off work because of a clinical depression, which is enough in itself to cause you to feel like withdrawing from life – no personal guilt should be involved in that, it is an illness. Give yourself a break. by all means think about goals and possible targets and activities that you would like to focus on in the future, but use this time to think rather than to act – you need a break. For years, I think (sadly) that I was a drain on people… family, work, friends. I need to forgive myself for that. One thing that can motivate me I think is to be a positive, productive, force in the world. To contribute. That is motivating.
YOU think that. Do they? If they really do, do they know the reasons why you were suffering? Do they understand? Do you know the causes that led to you getting to where you were/are? Do you accept that it is not your fault? [These are all rhetorical questions, not me asking for replies from you, by the way!] It is such a common thing to blame ourrselves for events beyond our control. Yes, we do and say things that others may find difficult to deal with and understand, but we do them because it is the only/best way we know how to cope/live at that time. You (and I) are lucky in that we are now learning more constructive ways of coping, but remember that we know that now, we didn’t know before, and coping mechanisms, no matter how destructive, have taken time to develop, and take time to change, too. Guilt is such a self-destructive emotion. I fully agree that contributing to the world in whatever way we can has got to be good, but i worry that you are thinking of it in the light of undoing perceived "wrongs" that you have done previously. Like atoning for your sins. As i see it, (IMHO!), you have nothing to "make up for" – you have done what you have done because it was the best way you knew at the time to get through life. Yeah, maybe not the best way, but then everyone makes mistakes, but we’re human and we learn through our experiences. Bad experiences and a lack of examples or instruction or support lead to us finding our own, sometimes not very effective, ways of getting by. But it’s not our fault. It’s not your fault. Accept that you are where you are. But DON’T crucify yourself over it. I’m not trying to convey a message that says that we are all totally at the mercy of our emotions and completely powerless over our actions. What i am trying to say is that at one time we have been powerless – and in the process of an ED or additction to any drug that is what happens. But that happens for a reason (often many, and not your fault), and now you are learning other ways to be, but it comes gradually and with practise. I feel lost though. During the remaing time off I am going to take a lot of action steps to clean up my life… I think I also want to set my feelings and emotions to prepare me for the next phase of my journey.
Try – but don’t be surprised if your emotions don’t fall into line as you want them to. As i said, they don’t work like that. They may well work out ok, but remember not to punish yourself if it all doesn’;t live up to your expectations. You are clinically depressed – that above all things affects emotions and feelings, and makes them negative, saps motivation and concentration and makes every task more difficult and harder work to do. My personal hint? (works for me, not necessarily for everyone!) make lists, as weird and wonderful as you like, of all your aspirations, desires, hopes for the future, ambitions, goals etc. Pick out just a few that you think you could do, choose one and start working towards it. I find that writing things down helps me visualise them, and as it’s completely personal, you can include things like flying to the moon or saving the rainforests or ANYTHING YOU LIKE! If a goal seems too big, divide it into smaller stages that you can tackle one at a time. For instance, one of my goals was to get on better with my mother. I divided that into phoning her once a week, visiting once a month, and writing to her if i couldn’t visit. Those visits/communications were further divided into "I will say at least one thing that is appreciative of her", "I will ask her how she feels about some issue that is important to her" and "I will ask her if there is anything that i could help her with". OK, we’re still not exactly buddies, but things are better. This took a LOT of effort from me, since there is a lot of bad emotion still lurking around me regarding her. But it’s a start. I wish you all the very best, and hope you didn’t take this post as being negative. I just worry that you are being too hard on yourself and setting your aims too high. Take care of yourself, and I really mean that! Fi – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Kevin K trusting the process…..
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