Depression Learning

Anxiety and Relationships from another perspective

Question:

Anonym, The best thing you can do for her is give her this note you just wrote. Tell her you care about her and want her to get help…but you are not about to stick around and be abused in her wake.  She obviously hurting and needs someone to support her.  I think it’s wonderful that you love her enough to want to be there.  But you have to let her know what you are thinking and feeling.  She needs a reality check.  Let her know you’ll be there for her if she’ll get help.

Response:

Dear Anonymous,  you should maybe look up this page…..it is about Borderline Personality Disorder….which i have ….although i dont change personalitys like sibal or something but i was addicted to Meth for a while and that is how i would get on that….The first day or two i was ms. wonderful and loving and them bammm i was ms Bitch……anyhow you should maybe read about this and maybe she could read some on it too when she is not drinking….. Good luck…….Mindy  Oh And Take care of you ~~ well i have the link on another name….so i will respond again in a few with that link for you ……   < Peace

Response:

No, you can’t make your girlfriend stop drinking or make her see how she’s hurting you or herself. She won’t see it until she’s ready. I would encourage you to check out an Al-Anon meeting. It can offer support and perspective as you’re going through this. Your girlfriend needs help and you can certainly support her in her journey to get well, but she will have to be motivated to get healthy. Suggestions, threats, ultimatums, pleading, etc., won’t be worth a hill of beans if she herself is not truly motivated and ready to stop drinking and deal with her anxiety. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. Best of luck to you, Cyndi – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Unfortunatly (speaking from experience) You can not make someone stop drinking unless they want to.  I feel very strongly about the subject and feel if anyone is to get over anxiety and depression that they have to stop drinking as rule number one.  Alcohol is a depressant and never….EVER….improves anxiety.  It is only an escape.  Unlike meds alcohol can leave you feeling more depressed than when you started.  I guess what I am trying to say is first SHE needs to want to get better.  Then she needs to stop drinking.  Seeing a doctor or psyciatrist about her condition is the best thing she could possible do besides stop drinking.  Some people seem to think drinking is ok with this problem…well I have a big time problem with that because I used to think that way…..it just masks the real world….even a few drinks does.  I wish I had more for you …. I really do.  I feel for you being in this situation.  Sterotypically it is usually the man who has the drinking problem and the woman who suffer….my times have really changed.  I wish you the best…….if you truely love her…stand by her but don’t let her walk over you with the drinking.  Put your foot down.  If she loves you enough she will listen to what you have to say.  Good luck my friend. Xanman I read with great interest the thread on Anxiety and Relationships, but I would like some advice from a different perspective. My girlfriend of 6 months has an anxiety/panic disorder.  I am new to this, so I probably don’t have the right words and I apologize in advance if I say something stupid. So far, we have gotten along well.  I am doing my best not to say or do anything stupid, so as not hurt her or cause her anxiety.  The problem is with alcohol. When she has fear or anxiety, she drinks to calm herself down.  Then, after she had a few drinks, she has a few more and then a few more, until her personality completely changes.  When she is drinking, she can be happy and loving one minute, then suddenly become bitter, mean and very hurtful.  In fact, I’m sitting home alone right now (it’s Sunday and normally I would be with her) because I left last night after she said some very mean and hurtful things to me.  She has had some horrible things happen to her in her past, and when she drinks, the anger and bitterness over those things comes out with a vengance. I really love this girl and I don’t want to end this relationship.  But I also know that I cannot continue in a relationship where I am continually hurt. I would like for her to get some help, if necessary, to stop drinking. It is important to note that she isn’t always drinking.  She only starts on those occasions where something scares her or makes her nervous. She has a drinking episode every few weeks.  I would also like for her to get some real help for her anxiety/panic. I don’t know how to go about helping her with these things.  I don’t know how to get her to realize that her drinking is hurting the people around her, and thus eventually hurting her.  I would appreciate any advice that anyone on the board can give. Thank You, Anonymous Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I read with great interest the thread on Anxiety and Relationships, but I would like some advice from a different perspective. My girlfriend of 6 months has an anxiety/panic disorder.  I am new to this, so I probably don’t have the right words and I apologize in advance if I say something stupid. So far, we have gotten along well.  I am doing my best not to say or do anything stupid, so as not hurt her or cause her anxiety.  The problem is with alcohol. When she has fear or anxiety, she drinks to calm herself down.  Then, after she had a few drinks, she has a few more and then a few more, until her personality completely changes.  When she is drinking, she can be happy and loving one minute, then suddenly become bitter, mean and very hurtful.  In fact, I’m sitting home alone right now (it’s Sunday and normally I would be with her) because I left last night after she said some very mean and hurtful things to me.  She has had some horrible things happen to her in her past, and when she drinks, the anger and bitterness over those things comes out with a vengance. I really love this girl and I don’t want to end this relationship.  But I also know that I cannot continue in a relationship where I am continually hurt. I would like for her to get some help, if necessary, to stop drinking. It is important to note that she isn’t always drinking.  She only starts on those occasions where something scares her or makes her nervous. She has a drinking episode every few weeks.  I would also like for her to get some real help for her anxiety/panic. I don’t know how to go about helping her with these things.  I don’t know how to get her to realize that her drinking is hurting the people around her, and thus eventually hurting her.  I would appreciate any advice that anyone on the board can give. Thank You, Anonymous

Hi and welcome to ASAP! Many sufferers of Panic Disorder will at some point self-medicate with alcohol which is an effective anxiolytic but has more disadvantages than advantages as you yourself point out. Your friend should see a psychiatrist specialized in anxiety disorders, have herself properly diagnosed and prescribed some meds. It would be advisable for her to stop drinking at this point. Maybe she would want to read ASAP for a while? We can also direct you guys to more literature about anxiety disorders on the Internet. Your girlfriend is lucky to have a loving friend. Support is of great importance. If she stops drinking and starts being properly treated this will make a world of difference to both of you. Philip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Anonymous, I developed panic disorder 33 years ago, and used alcohol to relieve anxiety and depression. My use of alcohol grew untill 12 years later when I realized I was addicted to alcohol and had to give it up or die. I joined AA and have been sober for over 20 years. Alcoholism and other types of drug use are very common in people with anxiety disorders since they use these substances to self-medicate, as well as to escape from their anxiety ridden  reality. I would be honest and up front with her, by telling her, even though you care alot for her,  you don’t wish to be around her when she’s drinking. Tell her how the things she says to you  are mean and hurtful. Tell her that you love her and want to continue the relationship, if this is the case. But you cannot tolerate her mean comments when she’s drinking and you don’t intend to. We’re all trying to make our way in life, and we don’t need abusive people around us to make the going tougher than it already is. You have every right to protect yourself. I’d also be honest by telling her you think she having trouble with alcohol and wish she would get help. Then the ball’s in her court. She knows that the alcohol is already affecting the  relationship with her boyfriend, and he won’t see her when she’s drinking. I understand your not wanting to hurt her or cause her anxiety. But the anxiety felt by her when you tell her your feelings and how you plan to deal with her, is the kind of anxiety that can help her to see there’s a problem with alcohol that needs her attention. And don’t be surprised if she gets angrey with you for saying these things. She know’s they’re the truth and this scares her, so she may well react with anger. Expect it, and don’t be hurt if she reacts this way. Ultimately,  SHE must realize there’s a problem, or she won’t  get help. And no-one can force anyone else to recognize a problem or get help for it. She will have to experience enough of the  unpleasant results of her excessive drinking before she will admit there’s a problem. Denial that there’s a problem is very common in people who drink too much, or in people with any kind of problem for that matter. She already knows about AA. Everyone knows about AA. You should direct your attention to how you are going to deal with  her drinking. There are books on this subject in the library, and there are Al-Anon meetings, for friends or relatives of alcoholics, that discuss how to deal with loved ones that have drinking problems. Al-Anon will tell you the only life you can control is your own. Take care, Chip Very wise words Chip……I couldn’t have said it better! ANDI Andrea’s Pop and Contemporary Art Extravaganza http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/6104/PopArt.html Andrea’s Lawrence Brothers Website http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/6104/joeylawrence.html Andrea’s Monkee Website http://www.geocities.com/TelevisionCity/6104/index.html

Response:

Anonymous, I developed panic disorder 33 years ago, and used alcohol to relieve anxiety and depression. My use of alcohol grew untill 12 years later when I realized I was addicted to alcohol and had to give it up or die. I joined AA and have been sober for over 20 years. Alcoholism and other types of drug use are very common in people with anxiety disorders since they use these substances to self-medicate, as well as to escape from their anxiety ridden  reality. I would be honest and up front with her, by telling her, even though you care alot for her,  you don’t wish to be around her when she’s drinking. Tell her how the things she says to you  are mean and hurtful. Tell her that you love her and want to continue the relationship, if this is the case. But you cannot tolerate her mean comments when she’s drinking and you don’t intend to. We’re all trying to make our way in life, and we don’t need abusive people around us to make the going tougher than it already is. You have every right to protect yourself. I’d also be honest by telling her you think she having trouble with alcohol and wish she would get help. Then the ball’s in her court. She knows that the alcohol is already affecting the  relationship with her boyfriend, and he won’t see her when she’s drinking. I understand your not wanting to hurt her or cause her anxiety. But the anxiety felt by her when you tell her your feelings and how you plan to deal with her, is the kind of anxiety that can help her to see there’s a problem with alcohol that needs her attention. And don’t be surprised if she gets angrey with you for saying these things. She know’s they’re the truth and this scares her, so she may well react with anger. Expect it, and don’t be hurt if she reacts this way. Ultimately,  SHE must realize there’s a problem, or she won’t  get help. And no-one can force anyone else to recognize a problem or get help for it. She will have to experience enough of the  unpleasant results of her excessive drinking before she will admit there’s a problem. Denial that there’s a problem is very common in people who drink too much, or in people with any kind of problem for that matter. She already knows about AA. Everyone knows about AA. You should direct your attention to how you are going to deal with  her drinking. There are books on this subject in the library, and there are Al-Anon meetings, for friends or relatives of alcoholics, that discuss how to deal with loved ones that have drinking problems. Al-Anon will tell you the only life you can control is your own. Take care, Chip

I read with great interest the thread on Anxiety and Relationships, but I would like some advice from a different perspective. My girlfriend of 6 months has an anxiety/panic disorder. I am new to this, so I probably don’t have the right words and I apologize in advance if I say something stupid. So far, we have gotten along well. I am doing my best not to say or do anything stupid, so as not hurt her or cause her anxiety. The problem is with alcohol. When she has fear or anxiety, she drinks to calm herself down. Then, after she had a few drinks, she has a few more and then a few more, until her personality completely changes. When she is drinking, she can be happy and loving one minute, then suddenly become bitter, mean and very hurtful. In fact, I’m sitting home alone right now (it’s Sunday and normally I would be with her) because I left last night after she said some very mean and hurtful things to me. She has had some horrible things happen to her in her past, and when she drinks, the anger and bitterness over those things comes out with a vengance. I really love this girl and I don’t want to end this relationship. But I also know that I cannot continue in a relationship where I am continually hurt. I would like for her to get some help, if necessary, to stop drinking. It is important to note that she isn’t always drinking. She only starts on those occasions where something scares her or makes her nervous. She has a drinking episode every few weeks. I would also like for her to get some real help for her anxiety/panic. I don’t know how to go about helping her with these things. I don’t know how to get her to realize that her drinking is hurting the people around her, and thus eventually hurting her. I would appreciate any advice that anyone on the board can give. Thank You, Anonymous

Response:

Unfortunatly (speaking from experience) You can not make someone stop drinking unless they want to.  I feel very strongly about the subject and feel if anyone is to get over anxiety and depression that they have to stop drinking as rule number one.  Alcohol is a depressant and never….EVER….improves anxiety.  It is only an escape.  Unlike meds alcohol can leave you feeling more depressed than when you started.  I guess what I am trying to say is first SHE needs to want to get better.  Then she needs to stop drinking.  Seeing a doctor or psyciatrist about her condition is the best thing she could possible do besides stop drinking.  Some people seem to think drinking is ok with this problem…well I have a big time problem with that because I used to think that way…..it just masks the real world….even a few drinks does.  I wish I had more for you …. I really do.  I feel for you being in this situation.  Sterotypically it is usually the man who has the drinking problem and the woman who suffer….my times have really changed.  I wish you the best…….if you truely love her…stand by her but don’t let her walk over you with the drinking.  Put your foot down.  If she loves you enough she will listen to what you have to say.  Good luck my friend. Xanman – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I read with great interest the thread on Anxiety and Relationships, but I would like some advice from a different perspective. My girlfriend of 6 months has an anxiety/panic disorder.  I am new to this, so I probably don’t have the right words and I apologize in advance if I say something stupid. So far, we have gotten along well.  I am doing my best not to say or do anything stupid, so as not hurt her or cause her anxiety.  The problem is with alcohol. When she has fear or anxiety, she drinks to calm herself down.  Then, after she had a few drinks, she has a few more and then a few more, until her personality completely changes.  When she is drinking, she can be happy and loving one minute, then suddenly become bitter, mean and very hurtful.  In fact, I’m sitting home alone right now (it’s Sunday and normally I would be with her) because I left last night after she said some very mean and hurtful things to me.  She has had some horrible things happen to her in her past, and when she drinks, the anger and bitterness over those things comes out with a vengance. I really love this girl and I don’t want to end this relationship.  But I also know that I cannot continue in a relationship where I am continually hurt. I would like for her to get some help, if necessary, to stop drinking. It is important to note that she isn’t always drinking.  She only starts on those occasions where something scares her or makes her nervous. She has a drinking episode every few weeks.  I would also like for her to get some real help for her anxiety/panic. I don’t know how to go about helping her with these things.  I don’t know how to get her to realize that her drinking is hurting the people around her, and thus eventually hurting her.  I would appreciate any advice that anyone on the board can give. Thank You, Anonymous Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

I read with great interest the thread on Anxiety and Relationships, but I would like some advice from a different perspective. My girlfriend of 6 months has an anxiety/panic disorder.  I am new to this, so I probably don’t have the right words and I apologize in advance if I say something stupid. So far, we have gotten along well.  I am doing my best not to say or do anything stupid, so as not hurt her or cause her anxiety.  The problem is with alcohol. When she has fear or anxiety, she drinks to calm herself down.  Then, after she had a few drinks, she has a few more and then a few more, until her personality completely changes.  When she is drinking, she can be happy and loving one minute, then suddenly become bitter, mean and very hurtful.  In fact, I’m sitting home alone right now (it’s Sunday and normally I would be with her) because I left last night after she said some very mean and hurtful things to me.  She has had some horrible things happen to her in her past, and when she drinks, the anger and bitterness over those things comes out with a vengance. I really love this girl and I don’t want to end this relationship.  But I also know that I cannot continue in a relationship where I am continually hurt. I would like for her to get some help, if necessary, to stop drinking. It is important to note that she isn’t always drinking.  She only starts on those occasions where something scares her or makes her nervous. She has a drinking episode every few weeks.  I would also like for her to get some real help for her anxiety/panic. I don’t know how to go about helping her with these things.  I don’t know how to get her to realize that her drinking is hurting the people around her, and thus eventually hurting her.  I would appreciate any advice that anyone on the board can give. Thank You, Anonymous Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

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