Am I overreacting?
Question:
My hubby doesn’t drink every single day, but I don’t call a beer or two a couple times a week after a very stressful and physically hard day at work a problem. Different strokes, for different folks. Hugs, Heather xoxo "Mz Pantzzz" <z…@zzz.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:08:54 GMT, "Queen Heather" > <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: > >Galina, > >Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? > >remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. > >My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every > >afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets > >drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of > >it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and > >its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically > >taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. > >Hugs, > >Heather > >xoxo > If you hubby is drinking every day, he does have a drinking problem.
Response:
He doesn’t weigh 250lbs, but doesn’t get drunk either. I guess he sorta uses it to calm him from a hectic day. Its not every day that he drinks after work, just on occasion. The 2 beers he drinks doesn’t make him impaired, or drunk. Hugs, Heather xoxo "tommyj" <tommyj232…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:kWVf9.8087$[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Mz Pantzzz wrote: > > On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:08:54 GMT, "Queen Heather" > > <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: > >>Galina, > >>Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? > >>remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. > >>My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every > >>afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets > >>drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of > >>it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and > >>its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically > >>taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. > >>Hugs, > >>Heather > >>xoxo > > If you hubby is drinking every day, he does have a drinking problem. > I’ve been led to believe that a glass of wine or a beer a day is > actually good for you. Getting drunk every day is a problem, but I don’t > know if 2 beers is or isn’t. If the guy weighs 250 pounds, 2 beers is > probably nothing. If having two bears every day impairs or prevents him > from doing more important stuff, then I would agree it’s a problem.
Response:
gkts…@yahoo.com (galina) wrote in message <news:fa0f5675.0209101817.38c48295@posting.[email protected]>… > Hi, everybody… > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > can give me some advice… > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > am overreacting.
How is it effecting your relationship? There are two seperate but related issues as I see it: 1. He spends all weekend in the garage 2. He drinks between 8 and 12 beers over the course of the weekend My wife would have a real problem with number 1. She wouldn’t care about 2 if it didn’t impact my behavior and it wasn’t an escalating thing, i.e. if a year ago it was 2-4 beers a day and it now has gone up to 4-7. My advice is to identify the behaviors (aside from the drinking itself) that have a negative impact on his or your life. If those behaviors are a direct result of his drinking then he’s got a problem and needs to stop. If they are not, then something else needs to change.
Response:
"JWB" <jwbremovethesefourwords3…@excite.com> wrote in message <news:u3Mf9.29988$[email protected]>… > Movies? Dinner? A walk? A concert (not a kids concert… somrthing where > adults actually sit in their seats)? A play? A day trip? A Museum? I can > think of a million things to do. > Not to sound rude, but if all you two like doing together is going out (I’m > assuming you mean the bar), well, I can see why he spends all day Saturday > drinking.
I guess I wasn’t thinking straight when I wrote last post…:)) That wasn’t exactly the truth that the only thing we enjoy together is going out (and no, I didn’t mean bars, I meant dinners). We do enjoy going to movies, concerts and all the rest… I guess part of the problem is my more passive nature and the fact that I’ve been in this country for only 7 years and I suspect I still don’t feel completely comfortable with outside world.. When my husband initiates those things – concerts, plays, museums etc – I love going with him… But I rarely offer something myself. Maybe I have to learn more about world of entertaiment here… I came to rely on him in things like that… And probably it’s wrong.. To CJ: >So there you go. And if you don’t want to do that, then I have absolutely no >sympathy for you if you just keep living with a situation which reportedly is >making you perpetually miserable. >Choice is yours. Not an easy choice I grant you. Then again, if it were an >easy >choice, you probably wouldn’t be asking about this in the first place. Would >you?
No, I wouldn’t…But that’s exactly the thing I used to do in the past – just walk out of troubled relationships… And guess what – I didn’t learn anything because next time I would walk right into the same sh*… I don’t want to do it this time… I was able to stay in this marriage for 7 years which is definite record for me and kind of victory… I feel that we are perfect fit for each other, we love each other.. There is just this one thing… We have some problems with intimacy but I think this is workable (and yes, I suspect drinking is avoiding intimacy… If you don’t get too close, you don’t get hurt, right?)… Actually I believe I can handle almost anything – if drinking (or my reaction to it) is our of the way… I just want to know how other people deal with issues in their marriages besides threatening to walk away…. gkt
Response:
"Gkt" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message > I guess I wasn’t thinking straight when I wrote last post…:)) That > wasn’t exactly the truth that the only thing we enjoy together is > going out (and no, I didn’t mean bars, I meant dinners). We do enjoy > going to movies, concerts and all the rest… I guess part of the > problem is my more passive nature and the fact that I’ve been in this > country for only 7 years and I suspect I still don’t feel completely > comfortable with outside world.. When my husband initiates those > things – concerts, plays, museums etc – I love going with him… But I > rarely offer something myself. > Maybe I have to learn more about world of entertaiment here… I came > to rely on him in things like that… And probably it’s wrong..
I suspect part of the reason he shuts himself in is he literally thinks he has nothing better to do. Yes, start planning some stuff. JWB
Response:
On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:12:37 GMT, "Queen Heather" <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: >How many folks put away that much soda, or tea, or coffee???? >Hugs, >Heather >xoxo
Yes but drinking 6 cans of soda or water isn’t going to impair you like drinking alcohol will. Loev, Ms Pnats
Response:
On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:08:54 GMT, "Queen Heather" <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: >Galina, >Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? >remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. >My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every >afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets >drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of >it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and >its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically >taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. >Hugs, >Heather >xoxo
If you hubby is drinking every day, he does have a drinking problem.
Response:
On 11 Sep 2002 10:48:52 -0700, gkts…@yahoo.com (Gkt) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thank you everybody for input… >That’s true, quite often look from outside does put things in >perspective… >To JWB: >>Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is >the >>issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you >>prettymuch need to get over that. One of my favorite expressions in >life is >>"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". Yea, one >could >>say "well if it bothers her, if he loved her, he’d stop", but we can >take >>that statement into unreasonable territory really quickly and make a >mockery >>of it. And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable. >Yes, I absolutely agree with you that we shouldn’t make other people >pay for past people’s mistakes… And I agree that I am somewhat >unreasonable… >As for where is the real problem – his drinking or my aversion to >alcohol – I guess it’s both… First of all, if I don’t bug him – he >gradually increases amounts of beer cans and days per week he’s doing >it… Then after some reasoning he cuts back for a while… Second – I >can see how it effects his creativity ( he is in creative business)and >moods, impairs his intelligence and overall health. He is not that >young to abuse his body that much and that too worries me. Third – I >guess I project my fears of consequences of drinking into this >cituation, which I know I have to deal myself… >I don’t think he is an alcoholic, not in classical definition at >least… >But it DOES effect our communication. >Also one of my questions is how much of communication is enough? As I >said I don’t know what’s right and sometimes I feel that I am a blind >kitten trying to find my way in a darkness… It seems that he doesn’t >need almost any communication, yet he claims that he loves me… Then >am I wrong to think that love MEANS spending time together? >>Now, for a suggestion, how about doing something with him on a >Saturday? >Seems that the only thing we enjoy both – is going out… But it’s >again means beer… I couln’t find any activity that we would both >share and enjoy… >To Lola: >>It sounds like your bad experiences in the past are coloring your >present >>opinons and actions. If he isn’t hurting anyone, why are you so >adamant >>against his drinking? You should be soooo thankful to have a good >man who >>loves you – beer or no beer. >Most of all he is hurting himself…His father was an alcoholic and >died fairly young… I don’t want to loose him too early because of >booze… >And how about setting an example to kids?? There is already suspision >that his daughter from previous marriage that he loves very much might >be having drinking problems.. I think it might be valuable concern… >To Tai: >>However, I see more of a problem in your husband consistently >spending all >>weekend in the garage than the fact he drinks 4 -7 beers each day for >two >>days. Hobbies and outside interests are very important for our own >personal >>satisfaction but there has to be a balance with time shared with our >family >>as well. Perhaps you could try to encourage your husband to spend at >least >>one afternoon or morning doing something fun with you and your child. >Yes, it is one of the reason his drinking upsets me… Feels like he >does prefer his beer to spending time with us… >And when I complain he says I am overreacting… >To Ms Pnats: >> It is hard to say whether or not he has a drinking problem from what >> you described. My hubby drinks 6 to 12 or more 7 days a week. I do >> have an aversion to alcohol. >And how do you deal with that?? Do you have any secrets to share??? >Thanks again, >gkt
How do I deal with it? His drinking has destroyed any type of relationship we had. I am moving out in 2 weeks. I have stayed with him nearly 20 years. It never got any better, just worse. If I was smarter, i would have left 19 years ago. Loev, Ms Pnats
Response:
On Thu, 12 Sep 2002 14:04:51 GMT, "Moodlerdoo" <moodler…@yahoo.com> wrote: >How do you spend your evenings together during the week? Do you have a hobby >you could do while he’s in the garage? >I agree that 4-7 beers is too much, but could you enjoy a virgin dacquiri >while he drinks a couple of beers after he’s finished in the garage? My ex >shot himself through the finger with a nailgun putting up a wall while >drinking 4-7 beers. Knowing it bothers you, ask him if there’s something >else he could drink while he’s in the garage and then relax together. What >do you do in the evening after he’s had that much to drink? I made the >mistake of marrying a smoker the first time knowing it’s something I >dislike, but thought I could tolerate and it only got worse. >good luck to you.
Brilliant post! that last sentence says it all. Never marry with the notion that anything you don’t like now will change or that you will learn to tolerate it. Loev, Ms Pants
Response:
I think each person is different. I think 6 beers over a whole day, isn’t going to greatly impair your judgement. Everyone is different. I guess moderation is the key word here. My SO can get busy with the boys working on the boat(they are sanding it, no heavy equipment evolved), and go through 6 beers in a whole day, and isn’t impaired. I guess everyone is different. A sloppy drunk is way different from a casual drinker. Hugs, Heather xoxo "Mz Pantzzz" <z…@zzz.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:12:37 GMT, "Queen Heather" > <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: > >How many folks put away that much soda, or tea, or coffee???? > >Hugs, > >Heather > >xoxo > Yes but drinking 6 cans of soda or water isn’t going to impair you > like drinking alcohol will. > Loev, > Ms Pnats
Response:
"Gkt" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thank you everybody for input… > That’s true, quite often look from outside does put things in > perspective… > To JWB: > >Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is > the > >issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you > >prettymuch need to get over that. One of my favorite expressions in > life is > >"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". Yea, one > could > >say "well if it bothers her, if he loved her, he’d stop", but we can > take > >that statement into unreasonable territory really quickly and make a > mockery > >of it. And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable. > Yes, I absolutely agree with you that we shouldn’t make other people > pay for past people’s mistakes… And I agree that I am somewhat > unreasonable… > As for where is the real problem – his drinking or my aversion to > alcohol – I guess it’s both… First of all, if I don’t bug him – he > gradually increases amounts of beer cans and days per week he’s doing > it… Then after some reasoning he cuts back for a while… Second – I > can see how it effects his creativity ( he is in creative business)and > moods, impairs his intelligence and overall health. He is not that > young to abuse his body that much and that too worries me. Third – I > guess I project my fears of consequences of drinking into this > cituation, which I know I have to deal myself…
ok, hold on – the above suggests quite a bit more than your original post. Based on the above, yes, I’d have to agree alcohol is at least a minor problem. > I don’t think he is an alcoholic, not in classical definition at > least… > But it DOES effect our communication. > Also one of my questions is how much of communication is enough? As I > said I don’t know what’s right and sometimes I feel that I am a blind > kitten trying to find my way in a darkness… It seems that he doesn’t > need almost any communication, yet he claims that he loves me… Then > am I wrong to think that love MEANS spending time together? > >Now, for a suggestion, how about doing something with him on a > Saturday? > Seems that the only thing we enjoy both – is going out… But it’s > again means beer… I couln’t find any activity that we would both > share and enjoy…
Movies? Dinner? A walk? A concert (not a kids concert… somrthing where adults actually sit in their seats)? A play? A day trip? A Museum? I can think of a million things to do. Not to sound rude, but if all you two like doing together is going out (I’m assuming you mean the bar), well, I can see why he spends all day Saturday drinking. JWB
Response:
How do you spend your evenings together during the week? Do you have a hobby you could do while he’s in the garage? I agree that 4-7 beers is too much, but could you enjoy a virgin dacquiri while he drinks a couple of beers after he’s finished in the garage? My ex shot himself through the finger with a nailgun putting up a wall while drinking 4-7 beers. Knowing it bothers you, ask him if there’s something else he could drink while he’s in the garage and then relax together. What do you do in the evening after he’s had that much to drink? I made the mistake of marrying a smoker the first time knowing it’s something I dislike, but thought I could tolerate and it only got worse. good luck to you. "galina" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, everybody… > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > can give me some advice… > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics > before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. > It just scares me. > And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my > efforts lead nowhere. > Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how > good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am > grateful to him. > But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I > don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least > cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read > Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… > I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship > is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my > husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, > not his drinking… > Any advice?
Response:
On Thu, 12 Sep 2002 00:50:07 -0500, tommyj <tommyj232…@yahoo.com> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Mz Pantzzz wrote: >> On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:08:54 GMT, "Queen Heather" >> <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: >>>Galina, >>>Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? >>>remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. >>>My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every >>>afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets >>>drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of >>>it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and >>>its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically >>>taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. >>>Hugs, >>>Heather >>>xoxo >> If you hubby is drinking every day, he does have a drinking problem. >I’ve been led to believe that a glass of wine or a beer a day is >actually good for you. Getting drunk every day is a problem, but I don’t >know if 2 beers is or isn’t. If the guy weighs 250 pounds, 2 beers is >probably nothing. If having two bears every day impairs or prevents him >from doing more important stuff, then I would agree it’s a problem.
note she said "at least" 2 beers every afternoon. Most people who drink too much say they only had a couple of drinks. Most people in denial justify their spouses drinking. Many many people have difficult stressful jobs but not everyone is medicating daily with alcohol. Loev, Ms Pants
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Mz Pantzzz wrote: > On Wed, 11 Sep 2002 15:08:54 GMT, "Queen Heather" > <QUEEN_HEAT…@PRODIGY.NET> wrote: >>Galina, >>Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? >>remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. >>My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every >>afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets >>drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of >>it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and >>its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically >>taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. >>Hugs, >>Heather >>xoxo > If you hubby is drinking every day, he does have a drinking problem.
I’ve been led to believe that a glass of wine or a beer a day is actually good for you. Getting drunk every day is a problem, but I don’t know if 2 beers is or isn’t. If the guy weighs 250 pounds, 2 beers is probably nothing. If having two bears every day impairs or prevents him from doing more important stuff, then I would agree it’s a problem.
Response:
"CJMorgan59" <cjmorga…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "JWB" jwbremovethesefourwords3…@excite.com wrote: > >Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is the > >issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you > >prettymuch need to get over that. > Sorry, I’m just not in favor of suggesting folk "get over that," when the > choice they want is the healthy choice. And all the move so when — even my by > own standards — dear hubby’s practice of reportedly putting back a 12 pack > each weekend is the issue in question. > Don’t get we wrong, I like a beer now and again myself. And I’m even not > adverse to getting drunk once or twice a year. But a 12 pack every weekend? No > sir. If that was my spouse who was doing that, it’s firmness, not flexiblity > I’ll be showing to that particular situation. > With all due respect.
a 12-pack in a weekend is not much. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> ********* > >One of my favorite expressions in life is > >"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". > Hold up, it’s more than just that here. I grew up in a family where there were > no alcohol related issues. And yet if my spouse started putting back a reported > dozen beers each weekend, I find myself having issue with that. > And that is precisely what’s confusing this original poster — her inner > conflict that she’s not sure what healthy limits are, that her attitude about > her husband going through 4-7 beer/ day on weekends might just be her own > over-reaction to family issues of her own past. > And I’m here to say that it’s not — that as somebody who grew up with no > alcohol related problems in my own family of origin, even I would take issue > with a spouse who was putting back a 12 pack each weekend. And all the more so > if I felt this was starting to impact on the quality of our marital > relationship.
depends – if your spouse started doing that NOW, yes, it would be a problem. But something tells me the OP’s husband has been doing this for quite some time. > ********* > > And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable… > Hey, my own dear spouse tied one on quite heavily the last long weekend which > just past. And I was happy that she had a good time. But that happens once or > twice a year, and that doesn’t concern me. But if she was putting back (or I) > were putting back a 12 pack each weekend, I don’t think either of us would > tolerate that crap for too long. > To me, that’s where the boundary is.
If he’s not drinking during the week, if the drinking isn’t affecting his life, I don’t see a problem. I *do* see a problem with him shutting himself in the garage all weekend, every weekend, though. Beer or no beer, that’s never good. JWB
Response:
How many folks put away that much soda, or tea, or coffee???? Hugs, Heather xoxo "JWB" <jwbremovethesefourwords3…@excite.com> wrote in message
news:f6If9.28238$[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "CJMorgan59" <cjmorga…@aol.com> wrote in message > news:[email protected]… > > "JWB" jwbremovethesefourwords3…@excite.com wrote: > > >Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is the > > >issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you > > >prettymuch need to get over that. > > Sorry, I’m just not in favor of suggesting folk "get over that," when the > > choice they want is the healthy choice. And all the move so when — even > my by > > own standards — dear hubby’s practice of reportedly putting back a 12 > pack > > each weekend is the issue in question. > > Don’t get we wrong, I like a beer now and again myself. And I’m even not > > adverse to getting drunk once or twice a year. But a 12 pack every > weekend? No > > sir. If that was my spouse who was doing that, it’s firmness, not > flexiblity > > I’ll be showing to that particular situation. > > With all due respect. > a 12-pack in a weekend is not much. > > ********* > > >One of my favorite expressions in life is > > >"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". > > Hold up, it’s more than just that here. I grew up in a family where there > were > > no alcohol related issues. And yet if my spouse started putting back a > reported > > dozen beers each weekend, I find myself having issue with that. > > And that is precisely what’s confusing this original poster — her inner > > conflict that she’s not sure what healthy limits are, that her attitude > about > > her husband going through 4-7 beer/ day on weekends might just be her own > > over-reaction to family issues of her own past. > > And I’m here to say that it’s not — that as somebody who grew up with no > > alcohol related problems in my own family of origin, even I would take > issue > > with a spouse who was putting back a 12 pack each weekend. And all the > more so > > if I felt this was starting to impact on the quality of our marital > > relationship. > depends – if your spouse started doing that NOW, yes, it would be a problem. > But something tells me the OP’s husband has been doing this for quite some > time. > > ********* > > > And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable… > > Hey, my own dear spouse tied one on quite heavily the last long weekend > which > > just past. And I was happy that she had a good time. But that happens once > or > > twice a year, and that doesn’t concern me. But if she was putting back (or > I) > > were putting back a 12 pack each weekend, I don’t think either of us would > > tolerate that crap for too long. > > To me, that’s where the boundary is. > If he’s not drinking during the week, if the drinking isn’t affecting his > life, I don’t see a problem. I *do* see a problem with him shutting himself > in the garage all weekend, every weekend, though. Beer or no beer, that’s > never good. > JWB
Response:
Thank you everybody for input… That’s true, quite often look from outside does put things in perspective… To JWB: >Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is the >issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you >prettymuch need to get over that. One of my favorite expressions in life is >"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". Yea, one could >say "well if it bothers her, if he loved her, he’d stop", but we can take >that statement into unreasonable territory really quickly and make a mockery >of it. And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable.
Yes, I absolutely agree with you that we shouldn’t make other people pay for past people’s mistakes… And I agree that I am somewhat unreasonable… As for where is the real problem – his drinking or my aversion to alcohol – I guess it’s both… First of all, if I don’t bug him – he gradually increases amounts of beer cans and days per week he’s doing it… Then after some reasoning he cuts back for a while… Second – I can see how it effects his creativity ( he is in creative business)and moods, impairs his intelligence and overall health. He is not that young to abuse his body that much and that too worries me. Third – I guess I project my fears of consequences of drinking into this cituation, which I know I have to deal myself… I don’t think he is an alcoholic, not in classical definition at least… But it DOES effect our communication. Also one of my questions is how much of communication is enough? As I said I don’t know what’s right and sometimes I feel that I am a blind kitten trying to find my way in a darkness… It seems that he doesn’t need almost any communication, yet he claims that he loves me… Then am I wrong to think that love MEANS spending time together? >Now, for a suggestion, how about doing something with him on a
Saturday? Seems that the only thing we enjoy both – is going out… But it’s again means beer… I couln’t find any activity that we would both share and enjoy… To Lola: >It sounds like your bad experiences in the past are coloring your present >opinons and actions. If he isn’t hurting anyone, why are you so adamant >against his drinking? You should be soooo thankful to have a good man who >loves you – beer or no beer.
Most of all he is hurting himself…His father was an alcoholic and died fairly young… I don’t want to loose him too early because of booze… And how about setting an example to kids?? There is already suspision that his daughter from previous marriage that he loves very much might be having drinking problems.. I think it might be valuable concern… To Tai: >However, I see more of a problem in your husband consistently spending all >weekend in the garage than the fact he drinks 4 -7 beers each day for two >days. Hobbies and outside interests are very important for our own personal >satisfaction but there has to be a balance with time shared with our family >as well. Perhaps you could try to encourage your husband to spend at least >one afternoon or morning doing something fun with you and your child.
Yes, it is one of the reason his drinking upsets me… Feels like he does prefer his beer to spending time with us… And when I complain he says I am overreacting… To Ms Pnats: > It is hard to say whether or not he has a drinking problem from what > you described. My hubby drinks 6 to 12 or more 7 days a week. I do > have an aversion to alcohol.
And how do you deal with that?? Do you have any secrets to share??? Thanks again, gkt
Response:
"JWB" jwbremovethesefourwords3…@excite.com wrote: >Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is the >issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you >prettymuch need to get over that.
Sorry, I’m just not in favor of suggesting folk "get over that," when the choice they want is the healthy choice. And all the move so when — even my by own standards — dear hubby’s practice of reportedly putting back a 12 pack each weekend is the issue in question. Don’t get we wrong, I like a beer now and again myself. And I’m even not adverse to getting drunk once or twice a year. But a 12 pack every weekend? No sir. If that was my spouse who was doing that, it’s firmness, not flexiblity I’ll be showing to that particular situation. With all due respect. ********* >One of my favorite expressions in life is >"don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes".
Hold up, it’s more than just that here. I grew up in a family where there were no alcohol related issues. And yet if my spouse started putting back a reported dozen beers each weekend, I find myself having issue with that. And that is precisely what’s confusing this original poster — her inner conflict that she’s not sure what healthy limits are, that her attitude about her husband going through 4-7 beer/ day on weekends might just be her own over-reaction to family issues of her own past. And I’m here to say that it’s not — that as somebody who grew up with no alcohol related problems in my own family of origin, even I would take issue with a spouse who was putting back a 12 pack each weekend. And all the more so if I felt this was starting to impact on the quality of our marital relationship. ********* > And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable…
Hey, my own dear spouse tied one on quite heavily the last long weekend which just past. And I was happy that she had a good time. But that happens once or twice a year, and that doesn’t concern me. But if she was putting back (or I) were putting back a 12 pack each weekend, I don’t think either of us would tolerate that crap for too long. To me, that’s where the boundary is. CJ
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Galina, Your deeply concerned because he downs a six pack on the weekends? remarkable. If that makes your man a alkie…. then mine must be a sponge. My SO comes home from working very hard and has at least 2 beers every afternoon… plus a six or so on the weekends. He never officially gets drunk, he said it helps his tired muscles relax, and he likes the taste of it. I don’t find a problem with this. He doesn’t get slobbery drunk, and its something I feel like he deserves. His job is very hard, and physically taxing… Am I suppose to take the beer away from him? I think not. Hugs, Heather xoxo "Her Name Was Lola" <l…@spamdump.com> wrote in message news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> "galina" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message > news:[email protected]… > > Hi, everybody… > > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > > can give me some advice… > > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > > am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics > > before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. > > It just scares me. > > And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my > > efforts lead nowhere. > > Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how > > good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am > > grateful to him. > > But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I > > don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least > > cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read > > Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… > > I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship > > is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my > > husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, > > not his drinking… > > Any advice? > First of all I wouldn’t consider him an alcoholic. His drinking does not > apparently interfere with his life in any way. He drinks beer as a beverage > and enjoys it. > It sounds like your bad experiences in the past are coloring your present > opinons and actions. If he isn’t hurting anyone, why are you so adamant > against his drinking? You should be soooo thankful to have a good man who > loves you – beer or no beer. > I would caution him against using power tools, though after having several > beers. It just ain’t a good idea. As for your fears and the fact that you > can’t stand being around him when he’s had a few, try to remember that he > isn’t the "bad people" in your past. He is a good guy, so treat him like > it. > the girl of many names > who is a little thirsty after all this talk about beer.
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On 10 Sep 2002 19:17:09 -0700, gkts…@yahoo.com (galina) wrote: >Hi, everybody… >I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there >is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you >can give me some advice… >I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, >intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit >too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets >drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, >where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something >between 4 and 7 beers per day. >When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I
How does it affect your relationship? Does he drink after work during weekdays too? It is hard to say whether or not he has a drinking problem from what you described. My hubby drinks 6 to 12 or more 7 days a week. I do have an aversion to alcohol. Loev, Ms Pnats
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -gkts…@yahoo.com (galina) wrote: >Date: 9/10/2002 10:17 PM Eastern >Hi, everybody… >I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there >is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you >can give me some advice… >I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, >intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit >too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets >drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, >where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something >between 4 and 7 beers per day. >When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I >am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics >before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. >It just scares me. >And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my >efforts lead nowhere. >Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how >good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am >grateful to him. >But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I >don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least >cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read >Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… >I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship >is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my >husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, >not his drinking… >Any advice?
From where I sit, at least part of why you’re unhappy is because you tolerate too much bullshit in your life. Now I’m not hardcore about alcohol. Never had a problem with it myself, never grew up in a family where this was at all an issue, and at 43, I even have no qualms about getting drunk once or twice a years (because I’m a firm believer in that adage about "everything in moderation… including moderation"). All of which is to say that I have no extreme hang ups about booze. But the balance to that attitude is that I have absolutely no tolerance for at all living with someone who drinks too much. And at least for me, putting away a 12 pack of beer each weekend rates under the catagory of "drinks too much." Now you want to put up with this bullshit, then be my guest. Knock yourself out. And if it keeps you perpetually unhappy, than I have absolutely no sympathy for you because you are your own victim — you’re tolerating things which make you miserable. And from where I sit, that’s just no way to live daily life. Now my wife and I are fine… and happy… and have been for more than a dozen years. But part of that is because we don’t put up with a lot of such silly bullshit like this excessive regular drinking. If I drank a 12 pack every weekend, my wife would talk to me about it. And if that did no good, then she’d give serious consideration to ending our relationship. And it’s exactly the same thing for me — if my wife was putting back 4-7 beer per day each weekend, I’d first talk to her about it. But if that wasn’t getting anywhere, then she’s know soon enough how seriously I regard the matter because I’d start packing my bags. Folks just don’t seem to get that sometimes — if you want to be happy in a relationship, you have to be willing to walk away from it if the unchanging circumstances are just making you perpetually miserable. It’s as simple as that. And yeah, there’s commitment in a relationship. And my wife and I wouldn’t have last for these dozen years without it. But it’s a commitment toward healthy choices, and no a self-sacrificing martyr complex which keeps either her or me with each other. That’s the difference — the commitment is only valid for healthy choices. But we do ourselves no service by just staying in a situation which has us being perpetually miserable. So I don’t know what to tell you what to do. That’s your choice. But what I tell you what does work if you want a daily life which is mostly happy rather than one which has a lot of perpetual misery: become more intolerant, and specifically, become more intolerant of a spouse who drinks excessively and who won’t do anything about changing that. But you have to be able to walk away from the table, as it were; you have to be willing to say that you won’t tolerate this crap and that if he’s going to hold the present course of drinking, then you are out of there. So there you go. And if you don’t want to do that, then I have absolutely no sympathy for you if you just keep living with a situation which reportedly is making you perpetually miserable. Choice is yours. Not an easy choice I grant you. Then again, if it were an easy choice, you probably wouldn’t be asking about this in the first place. Would you? So mull over that. And do let it be said that you weren’t counselled about what needs to get done if you’re genuinely going to get some "happy" for yourself. Hope that perspective is of some help, CJ
Response:
galina <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, everybody… > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > can give me some advice… > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics > before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. > It just scares me. > And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my > efforts lead nowhere. > Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how > good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am > grateful to him. > But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I > don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least > cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read > Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… > I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship > is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my > husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, > not his drinking… > Any advice?
I suppose these are full-strength alcohol beers? Is he drinking them fast enough for them to have a noticeable effect? I do drink alcohol but not every day and my own feeling is that if someone drinks enough of it to get tipsy on a regular (even weekly) basis it is not a healthy habit. However, I see more of a problem in your husband consistently spending all weekend in the garage than the fact he drinks 4 -7 beers each day for two days. Hobbies and outside interests are very important for our own personal satisfaction but there has to be a balance with time shared with our family as well. Perhaps you could try to encourage your husband to spend at least one afternoon or morning doing something fun with you and your child. Tai
Response:
"galina" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, everybody… > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > can give me some advice… > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics > before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. > It just scares me. > And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my > efforts lead nowhere. > Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how > good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am > grateful to him. > But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I > don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least > cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read > Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… > I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship > is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my > husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, > not his drinking… > Any advice?
First of all I wouldn’t consider him an alcoholic. His drinking does not apparently interfere with his life in any way. He drinks beer as a beverage and enjoys it. It sounds like your bad experiences in the past are coloring your present opinons and actions. If he isn’t hurting anyone, why are you so adamant against his drinking? You should be soooo thankful to have a good man who loves you – beer or no beer. I would caution him against using power tools, though after having several beers. It just ain’t a good idea. As for your fears and the fact that you can’t stand being around him when he’s had a few, try to remember that he isn’t the "bad people" in your past. He is a good guy, so treat him like it. the girl of many names who is a little thirsty after all this talk about beer.
Response:
"galina" <gkts…@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:[email protected]… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi, everybody… > I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there > is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you > can give me some advice… > I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, > intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit > too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets > drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, > where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something > between 4 and 7 beers per day. > When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I > am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics > before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. > It just scares me. > And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my > efforts lead nowhere. > Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how > good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am > grateful to him. > But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I > don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least > cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read > Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… > I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship > is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my > husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, > not his drinking… > Any advice?
Speaking as a guy who sometimes enjoys breaking out the six pack for Saturday projects, I don’t see this as a problem. 4-7 beers on a weekend day while working isn’t a big deal (well, I wouldn’t use power tools while drinking, but then again, 4-7 beers over the course of the day wouldn’t make me drunk) Is him drinking a problem, or is it your aversion to alcohol that is the issue? If it is the latter (and you seem to imply it is), then you prettymuch need to get over that. One of my favorite expressions in life is "don’t make current people pay for past people’s mistakes". Yea, one could say "well if it bothers her, if he loved her, he’d stop", but we can take that statement into unreasonable territory really quickly and make a mockery of it. And I do feel you are probably being a bit unreasonable. Now, for a suggestion, how about doing something with him on a Saturday? JWB
Response:
Hi, everybody… I am new to this group but I read some posts and it seems that there is a bunch of experienced and intelligent folks here… So, maybe you can give me some advice… I’ve been married for 7 years to a wonderful, kind, caring, intelligent man. Everything would be good but he drinks a little bit too much. It’s probably not a real problem – he almost never gets drunk, he is hardworking person. But he spends all weekends in garage, where he builds furniture and drinks beer. Usually it’s something between 4 and 7 beers per day. When I complain that it effects our relationship, he tells me that I am overreacting. Probably I am but I had relationship with alcoholics before and I can’t stand smell of beer and look of half-drunk person. It just scares me. And I feel that we not communicating enough because of that. All my efforts lead nowhere. Sometimes I think I made wrong choice, but other times I think how good he is to me and my kid from prevoius relationships and then I am grateful to him. But once every half of year I get really confused and depressed. I don’t know if I have to keep pushing him to quit drinking or at least cut the amount, or I have to take care of my reaction (I read Co-dependent No More book and it helped some)… I am really confused, I am not sure what good and "right" relationship is supposed to be… And counseling didn’t seem help much, because my husband managed to convince the guy that problem was my depression, not his drinking… Any advice?
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