Depression Learning

am i alone in this? am i the only one who 'doesn't get it'?

Question:

Sorry if this is personal Ed, But do you take prozac…or any other med for depression?  I ask because (as you may have guessed) I have been experienceing depression on and off for years.  I have finally made a doctor’s appointment, because lately it has been really bad, and I too am worried about when it is I will just stop functioning completely. When I am really depressed, I loose all sence of judgement, perspective, my measuring sticks are gone.  I don’t know if what I say or think or do makes any ‘real’ sense.  Everythings is just to much to deal with, including getting out of bed, even if I don’t have anything to do that day.  I just don’t give a flying fuck about anything, except making it to the next day, when maybe it won’t hurt as bad.  I know there a psyc. reason for my depression, and maybe I need a therapist. I don’t know what I need…which of course is why I have finally taken the step to ask someone about it, because I sure don’t know, and everything I have tried over the years doesn’t seem to work long-term. Well now I am babbeling…. If you are on a med…can you tell me how much it helps?  You seem to be in a bad way at the moment… Before you buy.

Response:

since living with depression for so long, and having mood swings up the ying yang for years.  i’ve come to the point where i hardly ever ‘blow up’ anymore.

hmmm. i still blow up. sometimes i regret it later. sometimes i don’t. but in any case, i question whether my reaction was justified after the fact. i always think ‘maybe what this person just did to me, although bad, isn’t bad enough to warrant me getting upset at them.. or maybe what they did isn’t even bad at all, and it’s just me distorting reality.’

nod nod. so, in turn, i bundle my anger up, and save it for a rainy day.. or every day. then there will be times when i DO deem it ok to blow up at someone, or just blow up in general, when there really is no reason, and i just took something the wrong way (which i seem to do a LOT).

uh-huh. ….the moral for this question. can anyone else react to a situation "correctly", like most normies do? i mean, i have come to the point where i just don’t get upset at anyone any more.  i do in my head, and maybe i’ll play their torturous death out a million times, but i never show it outwardly, because i’m afraid that, even if it seems obvious to me, everyone else doesn’t see that i was hurt, so i have no right to get upset.

yup. i’m just growing weary of keeping all my frustrations within in order to not push away or offend anyone.  maybe that’s my problem, i just need everyone to like me or my life becomes miserable.  but then how do i fix that? how do i know when i should stop befriending someone?  when they kill me? when they hurt me so bad, i have nothing left inside of me but shame and guilt?  when they cancel plans they had with me?  when they

don’t say hi? god, can i relate to this. it can really fester inside of you. when should i begin not being nice to them, hoping the golden rule will kick in? i know these seem like questions a 5 year old should ask, but i just can’t figure it out anymore.  i used to be able to, when i was 10, maybe 15, but now i tend to think i’m overreacting about everything.  i draw ppl close too fast, in fear i may lose them.  i keep people away, afraid of scaring them off when they begin to know me.

are you me? is there ever a point when you know your reaction is the right one for the situation? Ed

okay. here’s my thoughts: no, there’s never a point that i know my reaction is right. i constantly feel i’ve under- or overreacted. just a couple of days ago, i was criticized at work for something that was unjustified. instead of being mature about it by saying " i’m sorry we don’t agree", i started yelling at the guy. really mean things. things like, "no one here likes or respects you, including your own staff". i told him to get the fuck out of my office, and that i wasn’t going to listen to him anymore regardless oif what he had to say. now, i had a right to be mad. he came down on me over a creative difference that neither of us could have been "right" or "wrong" about. and he did it in a shitty way. but i lost control in my response. and i know in my heart that i was purposefully trying to hurt him just to get even…not to resolve the situation. *sigh*. don’t know what to tell you. sometimes i blame the depression. other times i feel that i’m only doing what my personality instictuallu turns to as a defense mechanism. either way, it’s no good. but i don’t want to shut down entirely. the feelings would eat me alive from the inside out. so i can’t say which side is worse. good luck ed. – jeff * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

Wow.  this is EXACTLY how I am, but could never vocalize.  I’m going to save your post. Dan

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – since living with depression for so long, and having mood swings up the ying yang for years.  i’ve come to the point where i hardly ever ‘blow up’ anymore. i always think ‘maybe what this person just did to me, although bad, isn’t bad enough to warrant me getting upset at them.. or maybe what they did isn’t even bad at all, and it’s just me distorting reality.’ so, in turn, i bundle my anger up, and save it for a rainy day.. or every day. then there will be times when i DO deem it ok to blow up at someone, or just blow up in general, when there really is no reason, and i just took something the wrong way (which i seem to do a LOT). …the moral for this question. can anyone else react to a situation "correctly", like most normies do? i mean, i have come to the point where i just don’t get upset at anyone any more.  i do in my head, and maybe i’ll play their torturous death out a million times, but i never show it outwardly, because i’m afraid that, even if it seems obvious to me, everyone else doesn’t see that i was hurt, so i have no right to get upset. i’m just growing weary of keeping all my frustrations within in order to not push away or offend anyone.  maybe that’s my problem, i just need everyone to like me or my life becomes miserable.  but then how do i fix that? how do i know when i should stop befriending someone?  when they kill me? when they hurt me so bad, i have nothing left inside of me but shame and guilt?  when they cancel plans they had with me?  when they don’t say hi? when should i begin not being nice to them, hoping the golden rule will kick in? i know these seem like questions a 5 year old should ask, but i just can’t figure it out anymore.  i used to be able to, when i was 10, maybe 15, but now i tend to think i’m overreacting about everything.  i draw ppl close too fast, in fear i may lose them.  i keep people away, afraid of scaring them off when they begin to know me. is there ever a point when you know your reaction is the right one for the situation? Ed

Response:

i remember you, missed you, worried about you during your long disappearance. glad you’re back!!! -lisa

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – well, if it means anything, i’m glad even part of you is here! it’s great to hear from you again after so long!  one of the big reasons i come back here year after year.  hoping at least a few ppl i have known will be here to remember me. <big huge bear hugs Ed <snip -lisa not all here today

Response:

it’s good to know at least i’m not alone in this.  and hense, you’re not alone in this either. i just fear that if i act like my TRUE self, and react the way i feel, that i will have zero friends sooner than later.  even if they aren’t ‘real friends’. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sometimes I think my reactions are 100% justified, then I just get blown up for over-reacting. I can’t help the way I feel, and part of me says that my feelings are over the top, even paranoid. I don’t want to feel this way and it’s killing me.

Response:

well, if it means anything, i’m glad even part of you is here! it’s great to hear from you again after so long!  one of the big reasons i come back here year after year.  hoping at least a few ppl i have known will be here to remember me. <big huge bear hugs Ed <snip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – -lisa not all here today

Response:

Sometimes I think my reactions are 100% justified, then I just get blown up for over-reacting. I can’t help the way I feel, and part of me says that my feelings are over the top, even paranoid.   I don’t want to feel this way and it’s killing me.

Response:

maybe you’re worrying more about it more than you should, Ed. when i met you last year, things seemed very natural; not too "chummy", not too cold. just a great getting to meet someone. so maybe you’re just obsessing about normal stages relationships go through. or, then again, maybe not -lisa not all here today

Response:

since living with depression for so long, and having mood swings up the ying yang for years.  i’ve come to the point where i hardly ever ‘blow up’ anymore. i always think ‘maybe what this person just did to me, although bad, isn’t bad enough to warrant me getting upset at them.. or maybe what they did isn’t even bad at all, and it’s just me distorting reality.’ so, in turn, i bundle my anger up, and save it for a rainy day.. or every day. then there will be times when i DO deem it ok to blow up at someone, or just blow up in general, when there really is no reason, and i just took something the wrong way (which i seem to do a LOT). …the moral for this question. can anyone else react to a situation "correctly", like most normies do? i mean, i have come to the point where i just don’t get upset at anyone any more.  i do in my head, and maybe i’ll play their torturous death out a million times, but i never show it outwardly, because i’m afraid that, even if it seems obvious to me, everyone else doesn’t see that i was hurt, so i have no right to get upset. i’m just growing weary of keeping all my frustrations within in order to not push away or offend anyone.  maybe that’s my problem, i just need everyone to like me or my life becomes miserable.  but then how do i fix that? how do i know when i should stop befriending someone?  when they kill me? when they hurt me so bad, i have nothing left inside of me but shame and guilt?  when they cancel plans they had with me?  when they don’t say hi? when should i begin not being nice to them, hoping the golden rule will kick in? i know these seem like questions a 5 year old should ask, but i just can’t figure it out anymore.  i used to be able to, when i was 10, maybe 15, but now i tend to think i’m overreacting about everything.  i draw ppl close too fast, in fear i may lose them.  i keep people away, afraid of scaring them off when they begin to know me. is there ever a point when you know your reaction is the right one for the situation? Ed

Response:

I have a big problem with this. Some days I have it clear in my mind what my boundaries are, what I find unacceptable. But then I start thinking about all the stuff I have done and then I think, oh maybe they don’t really understand what they are saying, they are just having a bad time at the moment. Maybe I’m just grateful that anybody talks to me at all. But there is one thing I’ve noticed, as soon as they mistreat their kids or do anything that badly affects my family, then that’s it. Line crossed, don’t talk to me again. I had a friend at work last year who was going through a bad time and I kept lending her money, she couldn’t even afford to eat. We became quite close. Then one day without warning she left work, still owing me over

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