Depression Learning

AGITATION!!!!! I need help, I'm scared…

Question:

I was fine until I had JELL-O shots over the weekend. My not-so-healthy mind does not tolerate even the slightest amount of alcohol.  I think that was what did it. The alcohol. Now I am physically exhausted to the point where I am almost too tired to type, I feel emotionally vulnerable, and more than I’ve ever felt before, agitated. I can’t tell whether the agitation is caused by a lurking depression or by a mixed state. Seems more likely that it’s all depression, since alcohol is a depressant. But I’ve been feeling that the depression was coming again even before I took the alcohol. Suddenly, at school and at work, I wanted to hide from people. Suddenly, I felt fragile and gloomy, tired. Suddenly, my passions slowly transformed into my apathy. Last year around this time, I was in the hospital for having tried to kill myself by overdosing on a combination of Klonopin, Ativan, and lithium. Let’s not relive the past. Or relive the past to die. Relive, die. Live, die. Something like that. I’m finally realizing that what I have is a very real illness. But I’m not on meds. Lithium made my heart ache, literally. Got chest pains. But although I’m not on meds, I’ve been stable for several months now.   Since early May, I’ve been able to live my life.   The life I haven’t been able to live since 1995, when it was discovered that I’m bipolar. That was during my junior year of college. Well it’s 1997 now and I’m still trying to get through my junior year of college. Classes dropped, best friends lost, money and time wasted, a totalled car ($23,000 loss), incarcerations and hospitalizations, handcuffs and physical restraints… I’m not seeing a pdoc, either. I stopped going to him after I was involuntarily committed and physically restrained against my will. I blame him for that, for taking away my freedom to move and to see light for so many days. But the odd thing is, more than anything, I want to be physically restrained right now. It’s like physically restraining me will restrain the pain and agitation, perhaps causing it to subdue itself or causing it to go away altogether. Yes, at the present moment, nothing sounds more comforting than to be locked in a dark seclusion room on four point restraints. To want to be restrained? Ha! I am obviously losing my mind.   But the fact is I want to live, and something needs to intervene… But that thought, while comforting, is ultimately like everything else, horrifying.   I am so scared now.   I know that little drop of hope sitting on the sharpened tip of a pin is still there.   But what will happen when that drop of hope trickles off the tip of the pin.   Will I stick myself with the pin and end my life? Will it be a successful stick of the pin, or will I fail and end up sick in the hospital for weeks? It seems that with each mood swing, the next one is more severe. At this moment, it’s like something is screaming within me. My whole body shakes, trying to control this something within me. Perhaps this "something" is the monster I feared most as a child. The monster that my mother told me doesn’t exist, but does. What the hell does she know? The monster is coming at full force again, and I don’t know what to do. I want so badly to curl up and die, but then there is that part of me that tells me that I will get through this. But the question is how? No one here understands what I am going through. Like my sorority sisters, they don’t know anything but fun and smiles and good times.  And my friends, I have very few friends outside of this house. Those I have told have disowned me as their friend.  I know they are ignorant and do not understand andmaybe they  are scared, but even if they are scared, all they have to do is be there for me.   That’s all I want.   To know that they still love me despite the way I am sometimes.   That they want to or are trying to understand what emotional hell I am going through.   That they can still treat me like a human being instead of a mentally ill person.   That they can forgive me for my uncharacteristic moods sometimes. Please, someone out there respond.   Let me know that there are people who understand what it is like to be bipolar. What it feels like. Because holding in my pain, I’m almost strangling myself. I need to scream. But I can’t scream here, I can’t let anyone know that something is wrong. So I guess the internet has become my hospital. The place where I can let out a scream and continue to live…?? Thanks for caring enough to read to the bottom of this rambling message. May our mental agitations leave in peace. (But unfortunately, I am naive to believe that.)

Response:

Have you tried other anti-depressants? Serizone and Desipramine are the only ones that help me. You seem to write awfully long messages for someone that is depressed. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I was fine until I had JELL-O shots over the weekend. My not-so-healthy mind does not tolerate even the slightest amount of alcohol.  I think that was what did it. The alcohol. Now I am physically exhausted to the point where I am almost too tired to type, I feel emotionally vulnerable, and more than I’ve ever felt before, agitated. I can’t tell whether the agitation is caused by a lurking depression or by a mixed state. Seems more likely that it’s all depression, since alcohol is a depressant. But I’ve been feeling that the depression was coming again even before I took the alcohol. Suddenly, at school and at work, I wanted to hide from people. Suddenly, I felt fragile and gloomy, tired. Suddenly, my passions slowly transformed into my apathy. Last year around this time, I was in the hospital for having tried to kill myself by overdosing on a combination of Klonopin, Ativan, and lithium. Let’s not relive the past. Or relive the past to die. Relive, die. Live, die. Something like that. I’m finally realizing that what I have is a very real illness. But I’m not on meds. Lithium made my heart ache, literally. Got chest pains. But although I’m not on meds, I’ve been stable for several months now.   Since early May, I’ve been able to live my life.   The life I haven’t been able to live since 1995, when it was discovered that I’m bipolar. That was during my junior year of college. Well it’s 1997 now and I’m still trying to get through my junior year of college. Classes dropped, best friends lost, money and time wasted, a totalled car ($23,000 loss), incarcerations and hospitalizations, handcuffs and physical restraints… I’m not seeing a pdoc, either. I stopped going to him after I was involuntarily committed and physically restrained against my will. I blame him for that, for taking away my freedom to move and to see light for so many days. But the odd thing is, more than anything, I want to be physically restrained right now. It’s like physically restraining me will restrain the pain and agitation, perhaps causing it to subdue itself or causing it to go away altogether. Yes, at the present moment, nothing sounds more comforting than to be locked in a dark seclusion room on four point restraints. To want to be restrained? Ha! I am obviously losing my mind.   But the fact is I want to live, and something needs to intervene… But that thought, while comforting, is ultimately like everything else, horrifying.   I am so scared now.   I know that little drop of hope sitting on the sharpened tip of a pin is still there.   But what will happen when that drop of hope trickles off the tip of the pin.   Will I stick myself with the pin and end my life? Will it be a successful stick of the pin, or will I fail and end up sick in the hospital for weeks? It seems that with each mood swing, the next one is more severe. At this moment, it’s like something is screaming within me. My whole body shakes, trying to control this something within me. Perhaps this "something" is the monster I feared most as a child. The monster that my mother told me doesn’t exist, but does. What the hell does she know? The monster is coming at full force again, and I don’t know what to do. I want so badly to curl up and die, but then there is that part of me that tells me that I will get through this. But the question is how? No one here understands what I am going through. Like my sorority sisters, they don’t know anything but fun and smiles and good times.  And my friends, I have very few friends outside of this house. Those I have told have disowned me as their friend.  I know they are ignorant and do not understand andmaybe they  are scared, but even if they are scared, all they have to do is be there for me.   That’s all I want.   To know that they still love me despite the way I am sometimes.   That they want to or are trying to understand what emotional hell I am going through.   That they can still treat me like a human being instead of a mentally ill person.   That they can forgive me for my uncharacteristic moods sometimes. Please, someone out there respond.   Let me know that there are people who understand what it is like to be bipolar. What it feels like. Because holding in my pain, I’m almost strangling myself. I need to scream. But I can’t scream here, I can’t let anyone know that something is wrong. So I guess the internet has become my hospital. The place where I can let out a scream and continue to live…?? Thanks for caring enough to read to the bottom of this rambling message. May our mental agitations leave in peace. (But unfortunately, I am naive to believe that.)

Response:

i have been where you are, in the fact that I know the pain you are going through. Go to the nearest emergancy ward and wait till someone helps. Life isn’t meant to be this bad it can get better, when you can’t cope let other people do the coping for you. When you don’t know what to do let them do the thinking for you. Don’t think or panic, just go to the doctors, no matter what you feel about them or meds, that is where you need to be right now. Don’t worry about bills,work,friends,fanilly. Just go. We will always be here, we have all been where you are, we may be there again in the future, trust us and get help. Then you can start to live again. Wishing you all the luck and hugs in the world. I know how much pain you are in and I just want to say, that everthing is going to be OK, you just need some help now. Loads of hugs and love Liz (22)

Response:

It is very hard to remember what it feels like to feel "good" when you don’t.  However, medicine improves and you may find that there is one that can help you now that didn’t exist a few years ago. After a little time feeling "good" you may forget what it feels like to feel bad. I wouldn’t write off all counselors because of one bad experience. Thanks, John

Response:

hi there.  i was going to reply via email but realize you had no real email address listed.  i’m 23 myself and a grad student.  if you want someone to talk to, feel free to email me.   s.

Response:

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