Depression Learning

afraid

Question:

Yeah, I think I live that every day. What *am* I afraid of? I sometimes really hate life.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – To be afraid freezes you when you need to do something and you miss out on something in life, that will cause regret. Don’t freeze too long for you might one day find the cost of freezing greater than the wrong action. — Paul Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Hopeless Endeavours i’m scared right now. afraid that i shouldn’t say anything. Afraid that i should. afraid that you and you and you and you will react in a way that i can’t handle right now. afraid that i can’t handle my own reactions right now. afraid of people. afriad of being alone. i’m scarde. — Rebecca Jo "A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." -Fr. Jerome Cummings

Response:

Rebecca Jo, Take a deep breath.  And another.  I am doing the same.  We are doing the same.  When you breathe, so do we. Don’t be afraid of being alone.  We are there with you. Take a deep breath.  And another.  Inhale.  Exhale. I’m a red-headed guy with a white hat.  Can you close your eyes and imagine me standing there.  I wish I was there to talk, to listen, to discuss. You are someone who has replied to my messages in the past.  Without realizing it, you have helped me immeasurably by what you’ve said.  I was also afraid of being alone.  Don’t be afraid of being alone.  You aren’t alone. You have many friends.  We won’t react in a way that you can’t handle.  Tell us what you need.  We will try.  We will listen. I’m going out for a walk.  I really don’t want to, but I know that I will feel better when I get back.  Want to go for a walk?  Want to stop at the donut shop for a coffee?  Want a donut?  What kind?  How about a chocolate covered, or a cream filled, or a jelly?  Do you like jelly? Take a deep breath.  Inhale.  Exhale. Feel better? Jim

Response:

To be afraid freezes you when you need to do something and you miss out on something in life, that will cause regret. Don’t freeze too long for you might one day find the cost of freezing greater than the wrong action. — Paul Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Hopeless Endeavours

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i’m scared right now. afraid that i shouldn’t say anything. Afraid that i should. afraid that you and you and you and you will react in a way that i can’t handle right now. afraid that i can’t handle my own reactions right now. afraid of people. afriad of being alone. i’m scarde. — Rebecca Jo "A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." -Fr. Jerome Cummings

Response:

Sorry that is from personal experience. — Paul Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Hopeless Endeavours

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – To be afraid freezes you when you need to do something and you miss out on something in life, that will cause regret. Don’t freeze too long for you might one day find the cost of freezing greater than the wrong action. mkay — Paul Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Hopeless Endeavours Thanks rj

Response:

i’m scared right now. afraid that i shouldn’t say anything. Afraid that i should. afraid that you and you and you and you will react in a way that i can’t handle right now. afraid that i can’t handle my own reactions right now. afraid of people. afriad of being alone. i’m scarde.

Shush.  It will be okay. I’ve been there before when I was afraid of everything. Just wait it out, and it will get better. Remember your own quote: "A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway." You have lots of friends here.

Response:

I am the same way.  Food is something we can’t live without but it is a comfort when we are sad, lonely, and depressed.  I know what it is like to walk into a grocery store with limited money and trying to decide if I buy something healthy to eat or will I buy a bag of donuts instead but I am on medication that helps me control the need to binge.  I could never ever purge but I can sure pig out.  My weight really fluctuates depending on which med I am on and how effective it is.  Ever heard of the trazadone munchies – I was on Trazadone for 6 weeks and gained 13 lbs and then I switched to Doxepin or Seconal or something for 3 weeks and gained another 7 lbs.  I quit both of those drugs because of the increased appetite and the weight gain.  Some side effects I can live with but weight gain no way.   Luckily my doctor is very understanding when it comes to my weight.  She realizes that I wouldn’t be happy carrying around the extra 20 lbs or possibly more even though the trazadone was working great she let me switch meds.  I have three different wardrobes to accommodate each weight loss and gain.  It isn’t healthy to gain and lose and gain.  Talk to your prescribing doctor about the weight issue and maybe you can switch meds to one that is better for people with food issues. Maggie who is now getting hungry again

Response:

to go to the grocery store, after all. food is my eternal enemy. but i really want this mountain dew. i have been drinking it steadily for two days now, and i neeeeeed more!  and the money isn’t a blocking problem any more – i should be able to survive until my first paycheck on what i have.  well, i think. anyway.  if i go to the store it will just be panic panic everywhere put everything that looks like it might be nice into my basket, then suddenly panic and get into line before i do worse and get anything else i don’t need, won’t like anyway, can’t afford in either dollars or calories… don’t you people have issues with food around depression? nobody ever responds when i talk about this crap.  it is really freaky, to me at least.  maybe anorexia is the more popular mode – and i get that way sometimes, but somebody else has had these feelings too, no?  please?

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – to go to the grocery store, after all. food is my eternal enemy. but i really want this mountain dew. i have been drinking it steadily for two days now, and i neeeeeed more!  and the money isn’t a blocking problem any more – i should be able to survive until my first paycheck on what i have.  well, i think. anyway.  if i go to the store it will just be panic panic everywhere put everything that looks like it might be nice into my basket, then suddenly panic and get into line before i do worse and get anything else i don’t need, won’t like anyway, can’t afford in either dollars or calories… don’t you people have issues with food around depression? nobody ever responds when i talk about this crap.  it is really freaky, to me at least.  maybe anorexia is the more popular mode – and i get that way sometimes, but somebody else has had these feelings too, no?  please?

Hi BW, I am a compulsive overeater and use food similar to the way any addict would.  Depression and anxiety disorders for me bring on the same compulsions. Mountain Dew and chocolate are my stimulants. They also help break down my verbal inhibitions so I can at least appear sorta normal.  Sugar/caffiene combo can create a strong addiction.  Caffeine is bad for me b/c of fibrocysic disease (increases the number and size of cysts and makes them more painful).  To numb feelings of pain, I snack and/or pig out on carbs, which tend to be sedating.   But I gained the most weight while I was prozac.   My PDOC said that all but a couple of AD’s increase chances of gaining weight.   Glad you posted this.  I felt like the oddball since I never saw anyone else here with overeating or food addiction issues. — Eeyore Moo

Response:

I overeat when depressed also. I think its called Atypical Depression because most people are the opposite. When I lost my son I didn’t eat for two weeks, but I think that was shock, not depression. Chocolate is a big thing for me. Anything sweet. kit4kat – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi BW, I am a compulsive overeater and use food similar to the way any addict would.  Depression and anxiety disorders for me bring on the same compulsions. Mountain Dew and chocolate are my stimulants. They also help break down my verbal inhibitions so I can at least appear sorta normal.  Sugar/caffiene combo can create a strong addiction.  Caffeine is bad for me b/c of fibrocysic disease (increases the number and size of cysts and makes them more painful).  To numb feelings of pain, I snack and/or pig out on carbs, which tend to be sedating. But I gained the most weight while I was prozac. My PDOC said that all but a couple of AD’s increase chances of gaining weight. Glad you posted this.  I felt like the oddball since I never saw anyone else here with overeating or food addiction issues. — Eeyore Moo

Response:

I overeat when depressed also. I think its called Atypical Depression because most people are the opposite. When I lost my son I didn’t eat for two weeks, but I think that was shock, not depression. Chocolate is a big thing for me. Anything sweet.

Same with me – but dont they say – that food can be seen as a substitute for love? Food fills the gap, when I am lonely, or I can’t say the things I want to say,or be with the people i want to be with, I eat. carbs mostley – bread, bread and more white bread. Food is a friend that accepts us – whoever we are, whatever we say, that either, makes us fat, or we throw up, or helps us – by not eating, slim. Food makes a physical difference, that we can see… its not invisible. I don’t know how to stop myself. I do all three – over eat, throw up, and then starve myself. I get cravings, whilst driving, or in a n elavator or…. any odd place, where I have to have.. a certain food or drink – right there, right then, or I feel like I will explode! Have not ever had mountain dew though… Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

I don’t know how to stop myself. I do all three – over eat, throw up, and then starve myself. I get cravings, whilst driving, or in a n elavator or…. any odd place, where I have to have.. a certain food or drink – right there, right then, or I feel like I will explode!

<nodnodnod  yes. Have not ever had mountain dew though…

Oh!  Mountain Dew is yummy.  Well – it can be very nasty too. Has to be very cold, and in a can, I think – maybe so it stays more carbonated?  <clueless Do You Yahoo!?  Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

 please?

Wow, guys, lots of response.  I am overwhelmed.   It is good to feel less alone out here. I will have to sleep on this before I say more though. Wow. Thank you all.

Response:

if i go to the store it will just be panic panic everywhere put everything that looks like it might be nice into my basket, then suddenly panic and get into line before i do worse and get anything else i don’t need, won’t like anyway, can’t afford in either dollars or calories… don’t you people have issues with food around depression? nobody ever responds when i talk about this crap.  it is really freaky, to me at least.  maybe anorexia is the more popular mode – and i get that way sometimes, but somebody else has had these feelings too, no?  please?

Oh, yes.  Except that my food problems swing in both directions.  Some cycles, I binge.  Others, I stop eating.  Partly it depends on what is at hand.  If I’m angry-depressed and there is a bag of Oreos nearby, it’ll be gone in less than an hour.  If I’m passive-depressed (sorrow, helplessness, anxiety), I withdraw from consciousness, including not bothering to eat. Note that these are my terms… not official terms… in fact, I just made them up, and they gave me insight into my behavior.  Thank you, Betsy.  If someone had said "Why do you binge?"  Or, "why do you not eat?"  I couldn’t have come up with the answer. With a lot of work, I finally quit my caffeine addiction a few years ago… to the point where I can now have a regular pepsi and not go instantly back into addictive/craving mode. I still run off sugar a lot of the time, though.  Unfortunately, aspartame (NutraSweet) doesn’t agree with me, so I can’t seem to kick the sugar habit. Shopping, though…  I prefer to go to the grocery store at about 10pm or midnight, when the place is mostly deserted.  I can’t handle large numbers of people going in every which direction.  Off-hours shopping is the only way for me to deal with food shopping in a conscious way. It’s a good subject to discuss, Betsy.  Thanks for bringing it to my attention.  I’ll be giving it more thought. Trudy vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead.         -Aldous Huxley

Response:

Oh!  Mountain Dew is yummy.  Well – it can be very nasty too. Has to be very cold, and in a can, I think – maybe so it stays more carbonated?  <clueless

I long for the days when soda/tonic/pop came in glass bottles.  it would stay fresh for a week.  Cans are better than plastic, both are vastly inferior to glass. As for Mountain Dew… that used to be my drink of choice after a long, hot day of being at a horse show.  I used to have my folks put a couple cans in the freezer when they got home so that they’d be just on the verge of freezing solid when I finally got back from taking care of the horse and the tack and stuff. Near-frozen Mountain Dew just can’t be beat.  But I can’t stand it any other way. Trudy vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead.         -Aldous Huxley

Response:

Hi BW,

Hey! I am a compulsive overeater and use food similar to the way any addict would.  Depression and anxiety disorders for me bring on the same compulsions. Mountain Dew and chocolate are my stimulants. They also help break down my verbal inhibitions so I can at least appear sorta normal.  

Ohyes. Iam sooo muchhappier and more extroverted whenIhavemy morning caffeine.  Itis the life  - I should justgivein, but I thought the milk (I am a latte person) was bad for me, and everyone says you should stop caffeine. Sugar/caffiene combo can create a strong addiction.  

I believe it.  I haveabused Mt. Dew verybadly in the past; maybe that has something to do with my slipping into a habitso quickly. I’ve nevergotten headaches when I don’t have itthough, so I haven’t everthought ofmyselfas addicted. Caffeine is bad for me b/c of fibrocysic disease (increases the number and size of cysts and makes them more painful).  To numb feelings of pain, I snack and/or pig out on carbs, which tend to be sedating.

Ouch. Carbs are my hell. I think.  Maybe it’s just salt and sugar.  I did pretty well once on a diet that was all carbs (basically), but no added salt or sugar on anything. So confusing!  Now I don’t know what to do, cause so many people say that carbs makeyou crave more carbs. I think I just don’twant to eat healthy food. But I gained the most weight while I was prozac. My PDOC said that all but a couple of AD’s increase chances of gaining weight.

Hmm.  But don’t they use (much larger doses of) Prozac to treat ED (eg bulimia)?  That is interesting. I was on Prozac for a few months, and I think I did gain weight then, but I can’t remember what was going on. Glad you posted this.  I felt like the oddball since I never saw anyone else here with overeating or food addiction issues.

Oh, cool I am glad, then.  Thank you for responding. I love trying to figure out this stuff,although I doubtanyonereally knows teh answers.

Response:

I am the same way.  Food is something we can’t live without but it is a comfort when we are sad, lonely, and depressed.  I know what it is like to walk into a grocery store with limited money and trying to decide if I buy something healthy to eat or will I buy a bag of donuts instead but I am on medication that helps me control the need to binge.  I could never ever purge but I can sure pig out.  

<nodnodnod Talk to your prescribing doctor about the weight issue and maybe you can switch meds to one that is better for people with food issues.

I don’t like him.  And I quit taking my effexor a while ago – I think itwas making me just really sleepy and numb. Maybe not though, cause I’m sleepy and mumb now anyway. Maggie who is now getting hungry again

I’m sorry. I write this having just finished a steak, the theory being, I guess, to thwart my cravings for carbs.  I’m not sure that it is working – all this talk about Mountain Dew is really getting me thirsty. I think it’s time to get away from this machine and asd for a while again.  <sigh

Response:

I overeat when depressed also. I think its called Atypical Depression because most people are the opposite. When I lost my son I didn’t eat for two weeks, but I think that was shock, not depression. Chocolate is a big thing for me. Anything sweet.

That is a lot like my experience. There was a time at the start when I couldn’t eat.  Then somehow I found myself overeating. And It is*always* carbs I crave. Usually sweet.  Mmmm. Soda, candy, donuts, …  I’m avoiding chocolate actually cause I’m afraid I might be triggered. Or maybe I’m afraid I won’t be triggered. Either way…I am in thrall to the other sweets. bleah.

Response:

I believe that you did once trust him fully.  Maybe you even sought out someone who was not very in touch with their own emotions BECAUSE that was somehow safer for you.  Such a person would not likely ask you to be very in touch with your emotions, would not ask you to understand yourself in ways that you were not ready to.  And thus such a person would not likely be a threat to your safety. Ding-dong, you’re wrong!  From the beginning of our marriage, I knew where he’d be reliable (trustworthy?) and where he wouldn’t.  So if I asked him, for example, to pick up a quart of milk on the way home from work, I could "trust" him to forget. But as for "seeking out" someone out of touch with his emotions, that’s not true at all.  I’m convinced that I stayed with Jim because I assumed he was the only man who wanted me.

I was talking about why you were attracted to him, not why you stayed married to him.  The second issue is interesting too, but that is not what I am talking about. I could be totally out to lunch, and that bell of yours might gong me right on my head.  But I still wonder if you looked for (and found) someone whom you could trust in many many ways, *including* the fact that he was not in touch with his own emotions and that he would not ask you to be in touch with yours. This "in touch with your emotions" phrase is somehow a really crummy vague concept.  It’s like a sandcastle concept.  Try to pick it up and look it over, and it crumbles in your hands.  I don’t mean to imply that before you were somehow decerebrate, unable to feel anything, and now you are whole, in touch with your emotions.  But somehow, somehow you now seem to be doing something different with your emotions, something you were not doing before, and something he is still not doing, or maybe you are not letting him do.  Maybe it’s a function of your having a hard time "doing it", that is, somehow changing emotionally, in front of someone else. Man, I just keep regurgitating the same concepts over and over again. Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man  *and*  The Great Defender of the Self (remove the SPAMBLOCK)

Response:

-snipped the setup- I fear all the stored-up anger he holds towards me.  He says he isn’t angry at me – but it pops up at the most unusual moments, and I’m never sure what will set him off.  This makes me afraid to discuss serious matters with him unless I’m on the phone.   Since you said you don’t feel like I am hounding you, I will jump right in with my thoughts.  (Somewhat delayed as they are.)  What *I* hear is that you don’t trust either his ability to honestly feel his own emotions, or to honestly tell you about them if he really knows them.

That’s true.  He isn’t honest with himself about what he feels, because allowing himself to feel (thus opening himself up to pain) is difficult for him. There’s a difference between telling an intentional lie and telling what you think is the truth, but upon closer examination, isn’t.  I don’t think he’s deliberately lying to me.   I believe that you did once trust him fully.  Maybe you even sought out someone who was not very in touch with their own emotions BECAUSE that was somehow safer for you.  Such a person would not likely ask you to be very in touch with your emotions, would not ask you to understand yourself in ways that you were not ready to.  And thus such a person would not likely be a threat to your safety.

Ding-dong, you’re wrong!  From the beginning of our marriage, I knew where he’d be reliable (trustworthy?) and where he wouldn’t.  So if I asked him, for example, to pick up a quart of milk on the way home from work, I could "trust" him to forget. But as for "seeking out" someone out of touch with his emotions, that’s not true at all.  I’m convinced that I stayed with Jim because I assumed he was the only man who wanted me. I fear that when I return to his home, that I will be held prisoner there.  Yes, it’s an irrational fear, but what if he made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t leave?   I hear in this what I have heard in your descriptions of your relationship with Carlos.

Carlo, no S! I hear a battle over what is external and what is internal.  You are afraid of him, no not of him, but of yourself, no not yourself because that is just more "self-denigrating" talk.  It is him, he is bad for me in some way.  But it is not him it is me.  No not me, him.  Back and forth.

Since I posted this, I’ve talked to Jim both via e-mail and in RL.  He *will* divorce me, so I don’t have to worry about that.  Now I don’t have to worry about being held prisoner in my former home, which was silly anyway. As for Carlo, we were bad for each other.  We were also good for each other.  Probably, in the long run, the good will outweigh the bad. Thanks for your input, Stewart. Bluebird

Response:

-snipped the setup- I fear all the stored-up anger he holds towards me.  He says he isn’t angry at me – but it pops up at the most unusual moments, and I’m never sure what will set him off.  This makes me afraid to discuss serious matters with him unless I’m on the phone.

   Since you said you don’t feel like I am hounding you, I will jump right in with my thoughts.  (Somewhat delayed as they are.)  What *I* hear is that you don’t trust either his ability to honestly feel his own emotions, or to honestly tell you about them if he really knows them.  The distinction can be important at times, but seems not to be relevent to you.  In other words, if I am lying to you and I know it, or if I am lying to myself, either way, it is a lie to you.  Tho some might consider one type of lie worse than the other depending on the circumstances.  Either way tho, you do not trust him.  A "safety" issue.  How can you expose yourself and be vulnerable with someone that you do not trust.    I believe that you did once trust him fully.  Maybe you even sought out someone who was not very in touch with their own emotions BECAUSE that was somehow safer for you.  Such a person would not likely ask you to be very in touch with your emotions, would not ask you to understand yourself in ways that you were not ready to.  And thus such a person would not likely be a threat to your safety.    But now things are changing.  You are pushing yourself??  Perhaps even using him to help you push yourself??  I don’t know.  Got myself lost here now. I fear that when I return to his home, that I will be held prisoner there.  Yes, it’s an irrational fear, but what if he made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t leave?

   I hear in this what I have heard in your descriptions of your relationship with Carlos.  I hear a battle over what is external and what is internal.  You are afraid of him, no not of him, but of yourself, no not yourself because that is just more "self-denigrating" talk.  It is him, he is bad for me in some way.  But it is not him it is me.  No not me, him.  Back and forth. Just some rambling thoughts.  Thanks.  Sorry to use you in this way.  This is all much more about me, and the color of my glasses at the moment, then it is about the color of your condition. Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man  *and*  The Great Defender of the Self (remove the SPAMBLOCK)

Response:

I fear that he will never allow me to divorce him.  And my freedom is the only thing that will allow me to live. My husband filed for divorce. I contested the divorce twice and said I didn’t want one, that he was confused over my diagnosis and I wanted more joint counseling. The judge granted him the divorce and said once Humpty Fumpty falls, you can never out it back together again. I of course told the judge where to go, but he got his divorce. MAry Beth

What are you saying here?  That I can get my divorce even if he doesn’t want one? My situation is very different from yours, Mary Beth.  Yours was terrifying.  Mine is just heartbreaking, because I had to hurt a man who didn’t deserve the pain, just so that I could survive. I wouldn’t want to divorce him without his cooperation, because he could be quite nasty – I committed adultery, I deserted him, I’m "mentally ill" – and he is in possession of our house, our property, and our children.  He will not be nasty unless I do something to make him feel threatened – and going ahead with a divorce to which he hasn’t agreed would be enough to make him feel threatened. So for now I have to go with what he wants. Bluebird

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – <gentle snip {{{{{Bluebird}}}}} I think that he is doing this on purpose, just so that he can try to control you a little bit more.  Very evil manipulation attempt on his part.  Try to recognize his attempts and make them futile on his part. His anger will most likely come out in another direction, but at least you maintain control of your own life and space.  They are yours, afterall. Hang in there, kiddo!  {{{{{Bluebird}}}}} -=oc=- grrrr who hates evil manipulators

I have to speak up in his defense.  He may be manipulating me – but not with evil intentions.  My fears may not even have any base in reality.  They’re just what I fear. And his anger has popped out at odd times.  I just wish he’d acknowledge it instead of denying it. Bluebird

Response:

Of course he’s mad! I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that he won’t be angry. You’re doing a good job of remaining civil, better than most divorcees handle these situations. He sounds like a ‘nice guy’ who will not face his own anger. Your dream knows better, he’s mad because you no longer want a ‘junkfood’ existence. And he can’t stop you from divorcing if you’re really detrmined to, unless you still give him power over you.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I went back to my former home tonight, as I always do on Wednesday nights.  It’s the night I have to go back for handbell rehearsals, so I go over to the house to see my kids.  Of course, I have to see my not-quite-ex-husband, too. And I realized tonight that being with him terrifies me.  I am always on edge when I have to spend time in his presence.  I’ve been trying to figure out why, and here’s what I’ve come up with: I fear all the stored-up anger he holds towards me.  He says he isn’t angry at me – but it pops up at the most unusual moments, and I’m never sure what will set him off.  This makes me afraid to discuss serious matters with him unless I’m on the phone. I fear that when I return to his home, that I will be held prisoner there.  Yes, it’s an irrational fear, but what if he made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t leave? I fear that he will never allow me to divorce him.  And my freedom is the only thing that will allow me to live. Friday night I had a nightmare about him, in which he was yelling at me for what felt like the entire night.  I woke up feeling stressed and hopeless, which is one reason I made all the depressed posts on Saturday.  And what was this fearsome nightmare?  He was yelling at me because I wouldn’t go to Burger King any more.  "You used to like Burger King!" he would shriek, not able to accept that I’d changed my mind. And that was the message behind the dream:  He is not able to accept that I’ve changed my mind.  But I used to *like* being married to him, he thinks.  How could that have changed?  I don’t know – but it has, and it won’t change back.  I can’t go back to the blackness and despair that my marriage had become. Bluebird

Whew! There you go again, describing feelings I thought nobody knew about but me… Applause for your strength — I ran 1300 miles to get away from the fear! strength alone. NyteBard The NyteBard http://hometown.aol.com/nytebard

Response:

I fear that he will never allow me to divorce him.  And my freedom is the only thing that will allow me to live.

My husband filed for divorce. I contested the divorce twice and said I didn’t want one, that he was confused over my diagnosis and I wanted more joint counseling. The judge granted him the divorce and said once Humpty Fumpty falls, you can never out it back together again. I of course told the judge where to go, but he got his divorce. MAry Beth

Response:

((((((((((((Ginny))))))))))))) I don’t have the words appropriate for what you are dealing with right now. But I know what a warm, caring, wonderful person you are, and I want you to know I am thinking of you. (pe’ed) Love and Hugs, Nik "So it’s Rorschach and Prozac and everything is groovy"  Nick Cave, Murder Ballads  Home Page – http://members.aol.com/niknik7/main.html

Response:

<gentle snip {{{{{Bluebird}}}}} I think that he is doing this on purpose, just so that he can try to control you a little bit more.  Very evil manipulation attempt on his part.  Try to recognize his attempts and make them futile on his part. His anger will most likely come out in another direction, but at least you maintain control of your own life and space.  They are yours, afterall. Hang in there, kiddo!  {{{{{Bluebird}}}}} -=oc=- grrrr who hates evil manipulators

Response:

I went back to my former home tonight, as I always do on Wednesday nights.  It’s the night I have to go back for handbell rehearsals, so I go over to the house to see my kids.  Of course, I have to see my not-quite-ex-husband, too. And I realized tonight that being with him terrifies me.  I am always on edge when I have to spend time in his presence.  I’ve been trying to figure out why, and here’s what I’ve come up with: I fear all the stored-up anger he holds towards me.  He says he isn’t angry at me – but it pops up at the most unusual moments, and I’m never sure what will set him off.  This makes me afraid to discuss serious matters with him unless I’m on the phone. I fear that when I return to his home, that I will be held prisoner there.  Yes, it’s an irrational fear, but what if he made me feel so guilty that I couldn’t leave? I fear that he will never allow me to divorce him.  And my freedom is the only thing that will allow me to live. Friday night I had a nightmare about him, in which he was yelling at me for what felt like the entire night.  I woke up feeling stressed and hopeless, which is one reason I made all the depressed posts on Saturday.  And what was this fearsome nightmare?  He was yelling at me because I wouldn’t go to Burger King any more.  "You used to like Burger King!" he would shriek, not able to accept that I’d changed my mind. And that was the message behind the dream:  He is not able to accept that I’ve changed my mind.  But I used to *like* being married to him, he thinks.  How could that have changed?  I don’t know – but it has, and it won’t change back.  I can’t go back to the blackness and despair that my marriage had become. Bluebird

Response:

Tomorrow I go bak to my therapist and then on Monday to the pdoc. I am afraid that they will suggest the Lithium again.  I am afraid of the lithium, but I don’t even know why .  Does anyone know this drug?

Funny, my pdoc prescribed me lithium a few weeks ago and I had a panic attack over the thought of it.  That drug name really had me climbing the walls (I’m crazy. I’m crazy!!!).  After a week of hemming and hawwing and feeling more suicidal I gave in and filled the script. Two weeks later, my mood started to change and now I can report that it was the right thing to do.  I have unipolar depression and the ADs weren’t lifting it.  I’m on a low dose (600mg/day) of lithium which was supposed to jumpstart the prozac (lithium works within the cell, prozac works outside of the cell in the cleft I think) and it’s working.  My depression is better even if my grief and heartbreak hasn’t subsided.  But now I can at least deal with those feelings.  If the direction goes as I ecpext, what should I expect?

I missed the original post so I don’t know what your whole story is but here’s what I went through with the lithium: Very thirsty.  Pee’d a lot.  This stuff is a salt and YOU NEED TO DRINK A LOT OF WATER. Sorry to yell, I had a hard time getting that through my thick head. Hand tremors.  Very bad at first, now they are starting to subside. If they get worse, you have to inform your pdoc as this is one of the signals of toxicity. I had expected some weird mental stuff, fuzziness or a stupor or some such.  Not so with this med.  I felt _no_ mental fogginess at all. Then again, I took it at night and I’ve been sleeping better than I have in months, so maybe it’s a knock-out?  I woke up feeling groggy the first few mornings but that seems to have subsided as well. Good luck to you, Cris Stoddard munged headers in post to avoid UCE, to reply via email, send to: <username in headers AT msn DOT com This is NOT an invitation to send me commercial or bulk email.

Response:

Tomorrow I go bak to my therapist and then on Monday to the pdoc. I am afraid that they will suggest the Lithium again.  I am afraid of the lithium, but I don’t even know why .

Maybe it is just the idea of a drug?  Does anyone know this drug?

I don’t really but I’ve been told it is lithium carbonate and that dosages are in the gram range. Lithium carbonate, if that’s what it is, is a fairly common chemical in the world and in some places it can be found in large concentration in the ground water. So much that potters have to deal with it when they mix glazes. i think Vienna is one of the places and one of the major cities in Australia.  If the direction goes as I ecpext, what should I expect?

I think they’re supposed to titrate the dose with blood tests aren’t they? And it is supposed to even out the cycles in bipolar disorder. someone who knows write in here, eh? — bev . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . http://members.tripod.com/~Veb

Response:

Frannie, You may want to read one of the autobiographical books by Patty Duke (actress) who is bi-polar and takes lithium.  It was reading her book that pointed me in the right direction for the help I got for my depression. (unipolar) A Brilliant Madness : Living With Manic-Depressive Illness; Patty Duke Call Me Anna; Patty Duke Steppenwolf  (wishing he could get a little manic) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Tomorrow I go bak to my therapist and then on Monday to the pdoc. I am afraid that they will suggest the Lithium again.  I am afraid of the lithium, but I don’t even know why .  Does anyone know this drug?  If the direction goes as I ecpext, what should I expect? Frannie

Response:

Tomorrow I go bak to my therapist and then on Monday to the pdoc. I am afraid that they will suggest the Lithium again.  I am afraid of the lithium, but I don’t even know why .  Does anyone know this drug?  If the direction goes as I ecpext, what should I expect? Frannie

Response:

Related Depression Posts

• Interesting table
• Tiredness and Depression
• what med; can I ask tomorrow?
• Need advice from folks who know about SSRIs
• Don't know what to do–stinkin' thinkin' ahead
• Depressing day
• Margrove..Jackie..anybody..med question – help.