Depression Learning

According to my father………

Question:

In a way, you are right, Cleo.  My father has become a lot more sympathetic toward me (which still isn’t alot, but any is an improvement)  since he has had a bout of clinical depression after his last heart surgery.   I guess he realizes now that it is not something you can just "snap out of".  You have to claw your way out, one day at a time. I have finally come up with a reply to the old line,  "What do you have to be depressed about?"    "Nothing!  That’s why I am seeing a doctor about it!"    I defy my family to come up with a blaming/shaming reply to that one. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sandra, I’ve been there also, but with my mother.  It’s probably your father’s attitude that contributed to your PA.  You are not an embarrassment. You might have panic attacks, but you have some wonderful qualities – two of them being a huge amount of compassion and empathy. Maybe we should line them all up, give them sodium lactate shots (or whatever the stuff is called) and let them experience the full joys of this condition that we are entirely responsible for and are simply too weak to ‘get over’.  That should shut them up! Cleo In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Before you buy.

Response:

I just want to thank everyone who replied to this post.  I have read every response,  but I have found it very hard to write anything since as it is an upsetting and ongoing situation.  I really appreciate all the support I got here so much.  It has helped enormously!!!! My father has made me feel like that my whole life.  I cannot avoid having some contact with him because of circumstances.  He has called me names again since my original post. It saddens me that no-one in my real life is even slightly understanding I really need my family now that I am going to have to find somewhere to live and all that. I am finding strength within,  and ASAP provides a kind of understanding I don’t have anywhere else.  I am grateful to you all!!!! warm wishes to everyone love Sandra – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – In a way, you are right, Cleo.  My father has become a lot more sympathetic toward me (which still isn’t alot, but any is an improvement)  since he has had a bout of clinical depression after his last heart surgery.   I guess he realizes now that it is not something you can just "snap out of".  You have to claw your way out, one day at a time. I have finally come up with a reply to the old line,  "What do you have to be depressed about?"    "Nothing!  That’s why I am seeing a doctor about it!"    I defy my family to come up with a blaming/shaming reply to that one. Sandra, I’ve been there also, but with my mother.  It’s probably your father’s attitude that contributed to your PA.  You are not an embarrassment. You might have panic attacks, but you have some wonderful qualities – two of them being a huge amount of compassion and empathy. Maybe we should line them all up, give them sodium lactate shots (or whatever the stuff is called) and let them experience the full joys of this condition that we are entirely responsible for and are simply too weak to ‘get over’.  That should shut them up! Cleo In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Before you buy.

Response:

Sandra, Don’t ever forget that you are one terrific and wonderful person and share so much with all of us.  Keep moving forward… smiles, elise

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I just want to thank everyone who replied to this post.  I have read every response,  but I have found it very hard to write anything since as it is an upsetting and ongoing situation.  I really appreciate all the support I got here so much.  It has helped enormously!!!! My father has made me feel like that my whole life.  I cannot avoid having some contact with him because of circumstances.  He has called me names again since my original post. It saddens me that no-one in my real life is even slightly understanding I really need my family now that I am going to have to find somewhere to live and all that. I am finding strength within,  and ASAP provides a kind of understanding I don’t have anywhere else.  I am grateful to you all!!!! warm wishes to everyone love Sandra In a way, you are right, Cleo.  My father has become a lot more sympathetic toward me (which still isn’t alot, but any is an improvement)  since he has had a bout of clinical depression after his last heart surgery.   I guess he realizes now that it is not something you can just "snap out of".  You have to claw your way out, one day at a time. I have finally come up with a reply to the old line,  "What do you have to be depressed about?"    "Nothing!  That’s why I am seeing a doctor about it!"    I defy my family to come up with a blaming/shaming reply to that one. Sandra, I’ve been there also, but with my mother.  It’s probably your father’s attitude that contributed to your PA.  You are not an embarrassment. You might have panic attacks, but you have some wonderful qualities – two of them being a huge amount of compassion and empathy. Maybe we should line them all up, give them sodium lactate shots (or whatever the stuff is called) and let them experience the full joys of this condition that we are entirely responsible for and are simply too weak to ‘get over’.  That should shut them up! Cleo In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Before you buy.

Response:

Sandra, I am sorry for your father’s attitude about your anx/ag.  But since we have no control over other people please stay strong for yourself and put those negative thoughts into the garbage can where they belong.  You always have support from us – we are here for you! smiles, elise

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

Sandra, Most of my family lives out of state and they call me almost weekly to check on me but my relatives who live only minutes away and know about the anxiety and panic don’t even bother to call and see how I am doing or if they could help if any way.  I know they hear from the out of staters but unfortunately don’t bother to contact me.  I have adjusted to their insensitivity but, fortunately my husband, two children and ASAP are totally supportive and I have a good friend at work (who also has problems with pd) I know I can count on.  Their encouragement, hugs and kind gestures make everything a little easier… smiles, elise

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – and my parents wonder why I moved to a whole ‘nother state…. the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too. ( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Sandra, I know your pain.  As well as having anxiety disorder and trying to fend off agoraphobia, I am also battling with bipolar II disorder.  Recently,when I was at my lowest ebb, I was on the phone with my Mom and was having a crying jag that I couldn’t stop.  So that my father would ease up on me, my Mom told my Dad that my depression was very bad, so would he please try to back off from me a bit. (EVERY TIME he speaks to me, he finds something to criticize me for, even in a 2 minute call. ) Anyway, after having heard what my Mom had to say, he told her he was going out to the store.  In reality he whipped over to my house to berate me for being depressed, saying things like "What have you got to be depressed about" or "you’d better cheer up, you’ve got responsibilities!"  or "you should go to the movies with your Mom tonight.  You need to get out".  Helpful stuff like that. Still crying from my 3 hour jag I asked him and finally begged him to leave  and finally had to shut the door while he was still standing there.  I’d never done anything like that before, but this time, it was self preservation. That was over 2 months ago, and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, except on Father’s day and on my birthday. While you’re trying to get well it is important to try to stay away from such negative or hurtful influences, and if you can’t, there are a lot of people here who will let you know just how wrong your Father is. And he is.  Just don’t believe him. Love, Franny

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I just want to thank everyone who replied to this post.  I have read every response,  but I have found it very hard to write anything since as it is an upsetting and ongoing situation.  I really appreciate all the support I got here so much.  It has helped enormously!!!! My father has made me feel like that my whole life.  I cannot avoid having some contact with him because of circumstances.  He has called me names again since my original post. It saddens me that no-one in my real life is even slightly understanding I really need my family now that I am going to have to find somewhere to live and all that. I am finding strength within,  and ASAP provides a kind of understanding I don’t have anywhere else.  I am grateful to you all!!!! warm wishes to everyone love Sandra

I hope you can forget about what he said.  I know it’s not fair of him to say anything like that to you, but it won’t help you to remember it either.  I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you get through this.  Please try not to dwell on it.  It will only hurt you! Love, Di

Response:

Sandra, I’ve been there also, but with my mother.  It’s probably your father’s attitude that contributed to your PA.  You are not an embarrassment. You might have panic attacks, but you have some wonderful qualities – two of them being a huge amount of compassion and empathy. Maybe we should line them all up, give them sodium lactate shots (or whatever the stuff is called) and let them experience the full joys of this condition that we are entirely responsible for and are simply too weak to ‘get over’.  That should shut them up! Cleo In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Before you buy.

Response:

Dear Sandra, I was very moved by your post.  I had experienced the same with my father, until he realized that i hadn’t left the house for over two weeks and i was doing the dishes every night (very odd behavior for me!).  That’s when he began asking me if i was "alright."  I know its hard to try and be around people like this, and i by no means advocate it, but i try to think of these people as having a debilitating illness that just hasn’t been diagnosed. most of these people have so much inside that they are not dealing with that they have to have some modicum of control over others so they won’t have to deal with their own problems.  kind of like commenting on how filthy someone else’s house is while their own is a complete pigsty.  sorry, my message is rather convoluted (so i think), but what i’m trying to get at is this: if i want compassion and patience given to me, i have to learn to give it to others that make my blood boil.  my challenge has been diagnosed, theirs hasn’t. i hope i didn’t come across as pendantic. Best Wishes, J.

Response:

..,  as he just told me repeatedly,  I am an embarrassment.  In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Dear Sandra, I am late in replying, I am sorry. What a terrible thing for your dad to say to you, I can imagine your pain. As much as it hurts, try to remember your father has problems. Whatever happened to unconditonal love and acceptance….:((( Love Jackie

Response:

Sandra,   I know it’s not easy to deal with a father who doesn’t "get it."  I take who does and try to wrap myself around their love and support.  I finally said NO to him this past weekend as he wanted to take us on a trip and we know how he would be with my panic…it was really hard as I usually say yes when I mean no and have a solemn time.  I do hope you can get to a level of just being cordial and no negativity.  You are in my prayers.  LoveCheryl — TC3 Always take an emergency leisurely. Chinese Proverb

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Sandra, At 45, I finally got the strength to keep away from the toxic people that make me feel  worst. I know this is a very difficult thing to do, but know that here you will be with people that care and understand. (((((hugs))))) Lorri the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too. ( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

Gee Sandra, I’ve heard of the macho Auzie, but this is ridiculous.  I’m sorry to hear it.  It seems that many people, no matter where they are from live in ignorance.  And we can’t change them.  I remember someone I know, male who was quoted as saying "Isn’t he over that woman’s thing yet"?  Just remember, there are many supportive people here.  Minus the trolls of course. Don

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

In the end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Hi SAndra, What a response to this post!! I think you have expressed a conection we all have. Something we all share or have endured. ((((Sandra)))) Take care and take hold of this support and leave dear ol Dads opinions for his alone. Hugs Charla Before you buy.

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

((((((Sandra)))))) I’m glad you did what you did. But I feel so badly for you. No one has the right to be emotionally abusive to you especially a parent or spouse. I got the same crap from my eldest daughter so I cut her out of my life. It has helped me even though it did hurt to have to do it. I hope you know that we all here love and support you. Take care, Steph

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

{{{{{{{Sandra}}}}}}} I know it isn’t something new, but it is terrible to have to hear, especially from a loved one.  I’m glad you’re handling it, but keep telling yourself that what he said isn’t true at all!!  We all know it’s not your fault and that you’ve been doing really well lately, going to town, to your Mum and Dad’s house, giving riding lessons, etc.  Keep up the good work and don’t pay any attention to him. Love, Di

Response:

Dear Sandra, At 45, I finally got the strength to keep away from the toxic people that make me feel  worst. I know this is a very difficult thing to do, but know that here you will be with people that care and understand. (((((hugs))))) Lorri – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

and my parents wonder why I moved to a whole ‘nother state…. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Sandra, I know your pain.  As well as having anxiety disorder and trying to fend off agoraphobia, I am also battling with bipolar II disorder.  Recently,when I was at my lowest ebb, I was on the phone with my Mom and was having a crying jag that I couldn’t stop.  So that my father would ease up on me, my Mom told my Dad that my depression was very bad, so would he please try to back off from me a bit. (EVERY TIME he speaks to me, he finds something to criticize me for, even in a 2 minute call. ) Anyway, after having heard what my Mom had to say, he told her he was going out to the store.  In reality he whipped over to my house to berate me for being depressed, saying things like "What have you got to be depressed about" or "you’d better cheer up, you’ve got responsibilities!"  or "you should go to the movies with your Mom tonight.  You need to get out".  Helpful stuff like that. Still crying from my 3 hour jag I asked him and finally begged him to leave  and finally had to shut the door while he was still standing there.  I’d never done anything like that before, but this time, it was self preservation. That was over 2 months ago, and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, except on Father’s day and on my birthday. While you’re trying to get well it is important to try to stay away from such negative or hurtful influences, and if you can’t, there are a lot of people here who will let you know just how wrong your Father is. And he is.  Just don’t believe him. Love, Franny

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Hi Sandra, I wouldn’t speak to your father anymore. You are allowing him to hurt you. You are looking for something from him, and he is unable or unwilling to give it. He’s not going to change, and I think you have to accept that. Chip Before you buy.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra Sandra, I know your pain.  As well as having anxiety disorder and trying to fend off agoraphobia, I am also battling with bipolar II disorder.  Recently,when I was at my lowest ebb, I was on the phone with my Mom and was having a crying jag that I couldn’t stop.  So that my father would ease up on me, my Mom told my Dad that my depression was very bad, so would he please try to back off from me a bit. (EVERY TIME he speaks to me, he finds something to criticize me for, even in a 2 minute call. ) Anyway, after having heard what my Mom had to say, he told her he was going out to the store.  In reality he whipped over to my house to berate me for being depressed, saying things like "What have you got to be depressed about" or "you’d better cheer up, you’ve got responsibilities!"  or "you should go to the movies with your Mom tonight.  You need to get out".  Helpful stuff like that. Still crying from my 3 hour jag I asked him and finally begged him to leave  and finally had to shut the door while he was still standing there.  I’d never done anything like that before, but this time, it was self preservation.   That was over 2 months ago, and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, except on Father’s day and on my birthday.   While you’re trying to get well it is important to try to stay away from such negative or hurtful influences, and if you can’t, there are a lot of people here who will let you know just how wrong your Father is. And he is.  Just don’t believe him. Love, Franny

I feel so bad for you!  These are things that don’t help us at all.  We don’t need to hear negative things like that.  We need positive enforcement!  Please know you’re not alone. Di

Response:

Well, your father is WRONG! We should get him and mine together, they could gripe about their kids.  This would keep the distracted and amused while we just get on with our lives. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

((((((((Sandra))))))), none of us chose this shit, maybe there’s things in life we all could have done differently at the time but anyone can be wise with hindsight. This is’nt your fault and i’m so sorry to hear your dad thinks so.                 I don’t get blamed for my condition but i don’t get an awful lot of support in real life either so i know how that feels, hope not everyone around you thinks the same as your dad. Get back to you later.                             Lots of PB love,                                     Kenny.

Response:

I find this attitude hard to understand.

he was treated this way by "his" father or he is a disturbed individual who has allowed himself to develop a callousnes to protect him cannot express himself any other way-in either event unfortunately life has a way of paying us back-one day he will need the compassion of his daughter-it will be her choice to give it or not glad you are not letting his neurosis push you buttons sandra-you are certainly no embarrassment to us-I for one am in awe of your equine experience and your relationship with some of Gods better creations LM

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

I am sorry about your father. Being a father myself I find this attitude hard to understand. I love my children *unconditionally*. I am glad that you handle it so well but it makes me sad as well. You could do with some care and support from your family and you deserve that. Philip

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Response:

end I had to hang up.  He wouldn’t stop.  A week or so ago he told me that everything that is wrong or has gone wrong in my life is my own fault and I have brought it all on myself.  I mentioned my anx/ag etc and he said "Get real".  I said "Get some compassion" and hung up that time too.  :-(( I’m handling it OK.  This isn’t new. Sandra

Sandra, I know your pain.  As well as having anxiety disorder and trying to fend off agoraphobia, I am also battling with bipolar II disorder.  Recently,when I was at my lowest ebb, I was on the phone with my Mom and was having a crying jag that I couldn’t stop.  So that my father would ease up on me, my Mom told my Dad that my depression was very bad, so would he please try to back off from me a bit. (EVERY TIME he speaks to me, he finds something to criticize me for, even in a 2 minute call. ) Anyway, after having heard what my Mom had to say, he told her he was going out to the store.  In reality he whipped over to my house to berate me for being depressed, saying things like "What have you got to be depressed about" or "you’d better cheer up, you’ve got responsibilities!"  or "you should go to the movies with your Mom tonight.  You need to get out".  Helpful stuff like that. Still crying from my 3 hour jag I asked him and finally begged him to leave  and finally had to shut the door while he was still standing there.  I’d never done anything like that before, but this time, it was self preservation.   That was over 2 months ago, and I haven’t seen or spoken to him since, except on Father’s day and on my birthday.   While you’re trying to get well it is important to try to stay away from such negative or hurtful influences, and if you can’t, there are a lot of people here who will let you know just how wrong your Father is. And he is.  Just don’t believe him. Love, Franny

Response:

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