Depression Learning

a venting we will go..

Question:

sorry my first post was confusing, I haven’t figured out this snipping thing yet. I will re-post and try to make it understandable who wrote what. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> kim wrote: > I guess this is what you all refer to as being "flamed" > Don’t get me wrong I can see how it would seem to be the picture you paint, > but let me clear up a few points. > grace wrote: > You know, I hate to be unkind–but it seems to me the nanny in your > situation has been more of a custodial parent … > Not True.. Yes he works long hours, but with the exception of one night a > week,He comes home  every night to be with the kids, even if it is only for a > couple of hours before they go to sleep. He always asks about homework, and > goes to every soccer game he can. When he is informed of them, which used to > be an issue since"l" would never tell him what was going on in school. We all > go to school plays, even if it’s just a friend of the kids that is in it. > Now, I don’t mean to sound defensive, and I can’t speak about the time right > after his wife died. But I know that he was home every night for at least 2 > years, then went out with friends. And didn’t start dating until 4 or 5 years > ago. > grace wrote: > And then there is the nanny–who has esentially been single-parenting > his kids.  Who gives her emotional support? > She has refused every invitation I’ve ever made her to join us for a sunday > night meal, and "B" has tried for years to ask about her life take an > interest, she has rebuffed him consistantly. It has been her choice to isolate > herself from us. "B" has come to accept it , I find it completely > dysfunctional. I would like her to be around and interact with us, he doesn’t. > The problem has been that the youngest clings to her and pays > no attention to him. > grace wrote: > And you don’t want to get rid of the nanny for the sake of the children– > or wait, is it that you don’t want to get rid of the nanny, because > you and fiancee can’t meet the demands of being a full-time > parents…you don’t want to give up having your careers, and having to > be home by 6PM because that’s when the after-school care closes? > First of all, I don’t work full time, and I would love nothing more than to > pick these kids up, be there for them when they come home, but anytime I do > anything that resembles something that "L" usually takes care of, I get > accused of trying to take her place. > She has made it clear that she doesn’t want me around, and I have tried to > make it clear to her that I don’t want her job, so to speak, that I’m not > looking to take her place. > grace wrote: > At one point, you said you have been in these children’s lives for 3 > years???  And they haven’t warmed up to you *yet*? > The older child actually wrote a note to his dad about a year ago, basically > giving his approval for him taking a new wife, so we get along well, he is 15, > and that is just a hard age to begin with. > > I know this was never nor will ever be a perfect family situation, but I do > > love my fiance very much and after 37 years, I know when something is right. > I know I complain alot, so I undersatnd your reason for responding this way, > but I assure you,we are dealing with someone who has to begin to change the > life that she has been leading for 12 years and is basically freaking out > about it. > that’s how I see it , and it would only be a matter of time before she would > have to face this whether or not there was anybody in the picture. > Even though I don’t sound like it at times, I feel there is plenty of love for > everyone here, and if she had her motivations in the right place, she would > not be trying to control where these kids are getting their love from or  who > loves these kids and how much. > And that ’s how I see it. > Kim

Response:

Kim, I’ve been following your post "in and out" (i.e. I lurk in "spurts", sometimes I’m here, sometimes I’m not ), but I’ve gathered enough of the situation to simply say this….FIRE THE NANNY!  She is acting like a spoiled brat, and frankly, this is your fiancee-soon-to-be-husband, these are going to be your children, and simply put, this will be your family, NOT HERS.  Tell her she will always be welcome to visit the children, but it’s time to get on with life.  There’s enough to worry about in life with your own family; no reason to subject yourself to grief from the nanny, of all people.  I wholeheartedly agree with all W. said in her post…this woman is HIRED HELP and should begin behaving as such or she should be FIRED HELP. Done ranting now  I sincerely hope it works out for you, Kim. Lili – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Wakanyeja Makah wrote in message <36303c1c.3349…@news.tds.net>… >My gut reaction was "Who the *hell* does this nanny think she is…anyway!" >Then I realized how closely the kids must be bonded to her… >Quite a problem. >My personal opinion is that this nanny is going to HAVE to work with you. >She needs to see that she must *give* a bit.  That, like it or not, you ARE >these children’s stepmother now and she needs to be supportive of your role >(especially to the children).  She is being selfish and >unreasonable…after all..the bottom line is that she is HIRED HELP. >Sorry if any of you are offended..this is just how I see it. >(ok…rant mode off now) >> "B& "L" are going to meet with the therapist tomarrow for the first >>time together. >Am I the only one who has a problem with this.  It seems that they are >treating your nanny as his life-partner.  Excuse me…this woman…no >matter how close she has been with these children is paid to do her job…a >job.. >I think the therapist should focus on you and your future husband. >The Nanny needs to be reminded that she is "a nanny". >Maybe he needs to handle it.  Maybe he should speak to the nanny and >explain to her that you will soon be these children’s stepmother and that >she (the nanny) needs to back up a bit and to remember she is hired help. >Loosely translated…if she won’t acknowledge your position in the >family…fire her.  No more nanny.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Vicki Robinson wrote in message <70m0c0$cr…@canoe.xcski.com>… >In a previous article, ksa…@interport.net said: >> going home with my fiance, to be with the boys…oh the fear.It’s wild >>how sad and bad I feel. And so afraid, like how can it be so paramount, >>It consumes me, and it sucks the living daylights out of me. >Kim, have you given a thought to discussing antidepressants with your >doctor?  I am not suggesting medicating your problems away (we all >know how well that works), but the medication can help you function >well enough to handle your problems.  You sound so depressed, and you >can’t be effective in working on your issues with your fiance if you >are battling a real depression at the same time.  Antidepressants can >make it so that you can function again, while you confront and resolve >the problems that are consuming you. >Vicki

Kim, I tend to agree w/ Vicki.  The holidays last year were so depressing for me because of my own situation w/ my stepdaughters and particularly their mother that I was constantly crying and even got to the point where I didn’t care if I lived or died (NOT suicidal, mind you, just not caring).  It was putting such a strain on my marriage that I finally spoke to my doctor and he prescribed prozac, and it really did help.  At least, it helped as far as making me not "sweat the small stuff".  One of these days I’ll post and vent myself….I’ve recently gotten off the prozac to see if things had changed, but the holidays are approaching again….the skinny is that the girls’ mothers plays control games with DH as to whether he will be able to see them, and it makes me so very angry.  I just wanted to say that IMO, antidepressants are not an indication that you are a person who can’t cope…there’s nothing wrong with taking them if they will help you better deal with the situation, and we all know how very tough it can be. This is to you, Vicki.  Bravo.  People have such a negative opinion of antidepressants, mainly due to the media(although I have spoken to several very reputable doctors who applaud them for their positive results).  Thanks for being brave enough to suggest them.

Response:

kim wrote: > sorry my first post was confusing, I haven’t figured out this > snipping thing yet. I will re-post and try to make it > understandable who wrote what.

The snipping worked better, Kim, but now you’re posting in html.

Response:

Grace F Rohrer wrote:

I guess this is what you all refer to as being "flamed" Don’t get me wrong I can see how it would seem to be the picture you paint, but let me clear up a few points. You know, I hate to be unkind–but it seems to me the nanny in your situation has been more of a custodial parent … Not True.. Yes he works long hours, but with the exception of one night a week,He comes home  every night to be with the kids, even if it is only for a couple of hours before they go to sleep. He always asks about homework, and goes to every soccer game he can. When he is informed of them, which used to be an issue since"l" would never tell him what was going on in school. We all go to school plays, even if it’s just a friend of the kids that is in it. Now, I don’t mean to sound defensive, and I can’t speak about the time right after his wife died. But I know that he was home every night for at least 2 years, then went out with friends. And didn’t start dating until 4 or 5 years ago. And then there is the nanny–who has esentially been single-parenting his kids.  Who gives her emotional support? She has refused every invitation I’ve ever made her to join us for a sunday night meal, and "B" has tried for years to ask about her life take an interest, she has rebuffed him consistantly. It has been her choice to isolate herself from us. "B" has come to accept it , I find it completely dysfunctional. I would like her to be around and interact with us, he doesn’t. The problem has been that the youngest clings to her and pays no attention to him. And you don’t want to get rid of the nanny for the sake of the children– or wait, is it that you don’t want to get rid of the nanny, because you and fiancee can’t meet the demands of being a full-time parents…you don’t want to give up having your careers, and having to be home by 6PM because that’s when the after-school care closes? First of all, I don’t work full time, and I would love nothing more than to pick these kids up, be there for them when they come home, but anytime I do anything that resembles something that "L" usually takes care of, I get accused of trying to take her place. She has made it clear that she doesn’t want me around, and I have tried to make it clear to her that I don’t want her job, so to speak, that I’m not looking to take her place. At one point, you said you have been in these children’s lives for 3 years???  And they haven’t warmed up to you *yet*? The older child actually wrote a note to his dad about a year ago, basically giving his approval for him taking a new wife, so we get along well, he is 15, and that is just a hard age to begin with. > I know this was never nor will ever be a perfect family situation, but I do > love my fiance very much and after 37 years, I know when something is right.

I know I complain alot, so I undersatnd your reason for responding this way, but I assure you,we are dealing with someone who has to begin to change the life that she has been leading for 12 years and is basically freaking out about it. that’s how I see it , and it would only be a matter of time before she would have to face this whether or not there was anybody in the picture. Even though I don’t sound like it at times, I feel there is plenty of love for everyone here, and if she had her motivations in the right place, she would not be trying to control where these kids are getting their love from or  who loves these kids and how much. And that ’s how I see it. Kim

Response:

Kim– I have followed your story and am wondering something.  Have you been to therapy?  Yes, B and L need to go to sort through that mess but what about you?  You could use a good therapist to help you deal with your conflicting emotions.  This depression of yours has been going on a while and like Vicki suggests, anti-depressants might help.  Because I suffer from chronic depression, I live on the anti-depressants. *sigh*  Anyway, a year after I married my husband and his two kids were still telling their mother awful things about me, I went to see a therapist.  He helped me gain insight into my feelings which helped me to see their side of things.  I still don’t trust my stepsons but I can tolerate their nonsense more now.  I know many people think going to a therapist stigmatizes people.  It shouldn’t.  I have always considered it an act of courage.  (Of course, this comes from someone whose entire family has a chemical imbalance in the brain.)  :) Just my $.02, Louise http://www.teleport.com/~lsundae ————————————————- May you be granted peace and tranquility as you travel down this road called life.  May the sun brighten each moment of your day and the stars dance to the music your existance creates.  And may you find at least once in this life the love I have been blessed with twice.

Response:

Kim,         I know how badly obsessing with a problem can feel – especially at 4 am and you can’t sleep.         I know you know you need to give things some time.  I have every hope that the therapist will be able to bring some resolution to the issues, but it will take time.   In the meantime you do not have to go to the house, and you don’t have to feel badly for not going.  Give yourself credit for knowing what you need.  Many a person would go and end up feeling badly and grow resentful making things worse.         I can’t tell you how to feel better but I can tell you what I do when I’m emotionally upset about things.         I analyze it to pieces.  Not in an emotional way, but in a logical way.  In some situations this helps me take the emotions out of it.  In your case I’m not sure it’s a helpful suggestion.         I change my assumptions about the people involved in the situation. Meaning they couldn’t have meant that the way it sounded, or didn’t intend for such and such to happen because of what they did.  That always makes me feel hopeful because if they are at all rational then they’ll be cooperative if they have inadvertantly done something. For example:  I don’t think that when the Nanny said she doesn’t see you as a step-mother to the boys that she meant that you would never have any biological children of your own.  Now maybe at this time you don’t feel comfortable expressing to her your interpretation of what she said, but give yourself some relief by believing it’s possible she’d feel terrible that you had interpreted it that way.         Place yourself at some time in the future – at some time when this doesn’t have the sting that it does now.         Involve in something else – reading, hobby, volunteer somewhere. Movies for me are particularily good at transporting me away because most of it’s done for me – don’t even have to read and use my imagination…  Soaking in a tub never works for me because I always feel like I need to get out and go take care of it.         Find other things to share with your SO.  Try something new together, restaurant, art show, shopping in stores with really odd stuff. Creating things to do and talk about that don’t have to deal with this situation.         Get a pet.  They can be distracting!         Lastly – I want you to know that there will be better times and better days.  This I one thing I can say with conviction.  There are always going to be good days and bad days, and I’m sure there will be better days.         Merrie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -kim wrote: > Hi all, > UI’m titleing this post as such cuz being a former Disney employee I’m > getting  a cheap little thrill… > I guess It’s been a while since my last post, > Now I know what "lurking" means. I’ve been reading… but the truth is > I’m kind of burnt out  with my own stuff. >  going home with my fiance, to be with the boys…oh the fear.It’s wild > how sad and bad I feel. And so afraid, like how can it be so paramount, > It consumes me, and it sucks the living daylights out of me. And I’m > letting it….I’m so afraid of this kid doing or saying something that > will make me feel bad, which he inevitably will, he won’t mean to or it > will be subtle, or maybe it will be a little projecting on my part. > I mean, I know what the situation is, It’s not changing as fast as I > would like it to. I know my expectations are kind of out of whack. I > can’t help it, I can’t avoid the whole thing by not going up to the > house, cause then for sure nothing will change. > Sucks to be me….it seems like anyway. > This morning I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed, I forced > myself to go to the gym, Thank God! >  "B& "L" are going to meet with the therapist tomarrow for the first > time together. Today, I know that "B" spoke to the therapist, and I > think It’s cause he knows I’m sad and doesn’t know how to handle it. > I feel so guilty, like I’m ruining the time when we are with the kids > for him, cause I’m so freaked, and now I’m ruining the time we have when > we are not with them. > Last night we spent the night in the city, and instead of making the > most of the evening, I was emotionally exhausted and pouty. It’s like > I’m predicating my happiness on the success of us as a step-family > instead of being happy with my fiance, and letting the rest fall into > place. I’ve always had a hard time with that "falling into place" > concept > Sorry for rambling, and sorry for not filling those of you in who are > coming in in the middle of my saga, but unfortunatly I don’t have the > energy to go back. Ask me anything you are confused sbout and I’ll be > happy to respond. > Also that’s what I kind of like about this group, I feel like I know > some of you through your responses, and those of you who have responded > to me in the past,( and you know who you are) the time it must have > taken….  some of the responses I got back were so on target, and it > really felt as if someone else was actually grasping the real issues, > which is so hard for me to do when I’m so "in it". > So, I fully admit as I sit here pouring out my fears and venting, I am > hoping to be able to read something comforting when I arrive at the > house. usually that’s what I do at night If I’m feeling out of sorts > when I’m up there. > So wish me all, those of you who know what I’m talking about, and even > if you don’t …I could use the luck. > Anyone have any tricks for not wearing your emotions on your sleeve, not > acting hurt or upset when you are truly hurt and upset.?/ > let me know, > Thanks! > kim

Response:

On Wed, 21 Oct 1998 18:31:55 +0100, kim <ksa…@interport.net> wrote: >Hi all,

Hi Kim, >I’m kind of burnt out  with my own stuff. > going home with my fiance, to be with the boys…oh the fear.It’s wild >how sad and bad I feel. And so afraid, like how can it be so paramount, >It consumes me, and it sucks the living daylights out of me. And I’m >letting it….I’m so afraid of this kid doing or saying something that >will make me feel bad, which he inevitably will, he won’t mean to or it >will be subtle, or maybe it will be a little projecting on my part.

Welcome to parenthood.  (note:  Not step-parenting..but just parenting in general) On the good days I feel like "MOTHER OF THE YEAR" whose children will all grow up to be "top of their field" professionals.  "Yes, I would like to accept this Nobel Prize…and I owe it all to my Mother." fantasies. On the bad days I just hope I am not screwing them up to badly and I spend a lot of time reflecting on the fact that Jim Jones, Charles Manson, John Gacy, and Timothy McVeigh also had mothers. (Note: I am a step and a bio-mom) I think (hope) reality lies somewhere in between. >I mean, I know what the situation is, It’s not changing as fast as I >would like it to. I know my expectations are kind of out of whack. I >can’t help it, I can’t avoid the whole thing by not going up to the >house, cause then for sure nothing will change. >Sucks to be me….it seems like anyway.

I have been following your "odd" situation.  I would have to agree..it does suck.  Badly. My gut reaction was "Who the *hell* does this nanny think she is…anyway!" Then I realized how closely the kids must be bonded to her… Quite a problem. My personal opinion is that this nanny is going to HAVE to work with you. She needs to see that she must *give* a bit.  That, like it or not, you ARE these children’s stepmother now and she needs to be supportive of your role (especially to the children).  She is being selfish and unreasonable…after all..the bottom line is that she is HIRED HELP. Sorry if any of you are offended..this is just how I see it. (ok…rant mode off now) > "B& "L" are going to meet with the therapist tomarrow for the first >time together.

Am I the only one who has a problem with this.  It seems that they are treating your nanny as his life-partner.  Excuse me…this woman…no matter how close she has been with these children is paid to do her job…a job.. I think the therapist should focus on you and your future husband. The Nanny needs to be reminded that she is "a nanny". > Today, I know that "B" spoke to the therapist, and I >think It’s cause he knows I’m sad and doesn’t know how to handle it. >I feel so guilty, like I’m ruining the time when we are with the kids >for him, cause I’m so freaked, and now I’m ruining the time we have when >we are not with them.

Maybe he needs to handle it.  Maybe he should speak to the nanny and explain to her that you will soon be these children’s stepmother and that she (the nanny) needs to back up a bit and to remember she is hired help. >Last night we spent the night in the city, and instead of making the >most of the evening, I was emotionally exhausted and pouty. It’s like >I’m predicating my happiness on the success of us as a step-family >instead of being happy with my fiance, and letting the rest fall into >place. I’ve always had a hard time with that "falling into place" >concept

Things don’t just happen all at once…but it seems as though you do have a good budding relationship with your future stepchildren.  It may be that the nanny needs to become a "family friend" and still have open access with the children (visiting and such) but you step into the Mom role.   Loosely translated…if she won’t acknowledge your position in the family…fire her.  No more nanny.   (Note:  Ok guys..don’t flame me to a crispy brown..this is just how I see it…my opinion..ok) >Also that’s what I kind of like about this group, I feel like I know >some of you through your responses, and those of you who have responded >to me in the past,( and you know who you are) the time it must have >taken….  some of the responses I got back were so on target, and it >really felt as if someone else was actually grasping the real issues, >which is so hard for me to do when I’m so "in it". >So, I fully admit as I sit here pouring out my fears and venting, I am >hoping to be able to read something comforting when I arrive at the >house. usually that’s what I do at night If I’m feeling out of sorts >when I’m up there.

Hey….we are usually a great group…I can’t tell you how much support and good advice that I have gotten from Lil and Teri Burns and Vicki and so many others here. >So wish me all, those of you who know what I’m talking about, and even >if you don’t …I could use the luck. >Anyone have any tricks for not wearing your emotions on your sleeve, not >acting hurt or upset when you are truly hurt and upset.?/ >let me know,

Nah…I don’t have any advice on this one except to be gentle to yourself and remember that parenting is (at times) a crap-shoot.  I don’t think any of us ever know (while it is going on) whether or not we are actually doing more good than harm.  I think it all falls into place sooner or later.  As long as you love them and their father…that is what is important. >Thanks!

Keep us posted! >kim

W. Makah

Response:

kim wrote in message <362E1A87.371B2…@interport.net>…

bits snipped >So wish me all, those of you who know what I’m talking about, and even >if you don’t …I could use the luck. >Anyone have any tricks for not wearing your emotions on your sleeve, not >acting hurt or upset when you are truly hurt and upset.?/ >let me know,

Well no advice for how to act like you’re not upset when you are, but maybe when you feel yourself becoming upset go for a long walk, or read a book or just find somewhere to be quiet and rethink your thoughts.   I find, a lot of times, when I’m getting upset I just keep escalating it by not getting out of the situation that is upsetting me…such as if DH and I are disagreeing, if I don’t stop myself, take a deep breath and MAKE myself ask myself a HARD question such as "Do I want this to end?" or "would he know I loved him if he died this minute?"  then I just keep building on what is upsetting me and forgetting the positive things that were up until that minute. It seems to me that you need to rethink WHY you want to marry him and keep that in your mind.  Not rethink as in ‘do’ but rethink as in ‘remember’ Good luck Lori – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thanks! >kim

Response:

Hi all, UI’m titleing this post as such cuz being a former Disney employee I’m getting  a cheap little thrill… I guess It’s been a while since my last post, Now I know what "lurking" means. I’ve been reading… but the truth is I’m kind of burnt out  with my own stuff.  going home with my fiance, to be with the boys…oh the fear.It’s wild how sad and bad I feel. And so afraid, like how can it be so paramount, It consumes me, and it sucks the living daylights out of me. And I’m letting it….I’m so afraid of this kid doing or saying something that will make me feel bad, which he inevitably will, he won’t mean to or it will be subtle, or maybe it will be a little projecting on my part. I mean, I know what the situation is, It’s not changing as fast as I would like it to. I know my expectations are kind of out of whack. I can’t help it, I can’t avoid the whole thing by not going up to the house, cause then for sure nothing will change. Sucks to be me….it seems like anyway. This morning I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed, I forced myself to go to the gym, Thank God!  "B& "L" are going to meet with the therapist tomarrow for the first time together. Today, I know that "B" spoke to the therapist, and I think It’s cause he knows I’m sad and doesn’t know how to handle it. I feel so guilty, like I’m ruining the time when we are with the kids for him, cause I’m so freaked, and now I’m ruining the time we have when we are not with them. Last night we spent the night in the city, and instead of making the most of the evening, I was emotionally exhausted and pouty. It’s like I’m predicating my happiness on the success of us as a step-family instead of being happy with my fiance, and letting the rest fall into place. I’ve always had a hard time with that "falling into place" concept Sorry for rambling, and sorry for not filling those of you in who are coming in in the middle of my saga, but unfortunatly I don’t have the energy to go back. Ask me anything you are confused sbout and I’ll be happy to respond. Also that’s what I kind of like about this group, I feel like I know some of you through your responses, and those of you who have responded to me in the past,( and you know who you are) the time it must have taken….  some of the responses I got back were so on target, and it really felt as if someone else was actually grasping the real issues, which is so hard for me to do when I’m so "in it". So, I fully admit as I sit here pouring out my fears and venting, I am hoping to be able to read something comforting when I arrive at the house. usually that’s what I do at night If I’m feeling out of sorts when I’m up there. So wish me all, those of you who know what I’m talking about, and even if you don’t …I could use the luck. Anyone have any tricks for not wearing your emotions on your sleeve, not acting hurt or upset when you are truly hurt and upset.?/ let me know, Thanks! kim

Response:

In a previous article, ksa…@interport.net said: > going home with my fiance, to be with the boys…oh the fear.It’s wild >how sad and bad I feel. And so afraid, like how can it be so paramount, >It consumes me, and it sucks the living daylights out of me.

Kim, have you given a thought to discussing antidepressants with your doctor?  I am not suggesting medicating your problems away (we all know how well that works), but the medication can help you function well enough to handle your problems.  You sound so depressed, and you can’t be effective in working on your issues with your fiance if you are battling a real depression at the same time.  Antidepressants can make it so that you can function again, while you confront and resolve the problems that are consuming you. Vicki — Mediation and Alternative Dispute Resolution Resources: http://www.rit.edu/~vjrnts/mediation/mediation.html The alt.folklore.urban FAQ and archive can be found at http://www.urbanlegends.com/  

Response:

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