Depression Learning

A letter from me

Question:

I am falling apart.  I mean I am starting to really feel stressed, like I can not handle things or things are getting on top of me.  I am starting to lack confidence.  I am scared.  I still have another week to go before I can start the new medication and I am now thinking I should not wait. Tonight I chucked a mental while cooking tea and ended up sending Jamie for MacDonald’s.  He is pretty worried.  I do not want to worry him or you.  I don’t want to stress anyone.  I am not sure what I will do yet. I have been gossiping.  I hate that, I have never been one to gossip? well I don’t think I have Have I?  I have just caused big trouble.  I don’t know what I am doing.  I have told Margaret that Ron and June have broken up and I told her why.  My motives are to bring Margaret and myself closer together.  I am not sure if it is going to work.  I have now betrayed June.  I have told Jamie and Jacqueline what I have done.  I am going to call Ron and tell him too.  If anyone ever tells me anything bad about anyone ever again I am going to shout DON’T FUCKIN TELL ME CUZ I DON’T GIVE A FUCK AND I DON’T KEEP SECRETS. I am booked in for counselling tomorrow to discuss the sexual assault case.  I am going as a precautionary measure.  I just think that I should take the time out to talk about the situation, cuz I am just going about my business trying not to think about it right.  This is probably not a good idea but I don’t want to think about it or talk about it with anyone in my life, cuz I don’t want it to affect my life? does that make sense? if I make time to talk about it with a stranger and give it some time and thought I will be better off in the long run.  I think.  I can imagine you reading this letter and thinking Sheree is stupid or Sheree has lost it.?  I am thinking so negatively.  Fuck.  You probably really don’t need to hear/read this hey. I took Joel to a baby competition last week.  He did not win a bloody thing.  The fuckin judges suck.  I don’t need a trophy to tell me Joel is the greatest baby ever or that he has the brightest blue eyes that I have ever seen hey. Jamie has his test this Thursday, the camera down the throat thing and I am totally convinced that he has cancer and will die.  I have been trying not to think about it. I have lots of nice friends up here hey,  I mean really nice people. They are so nice that I feel like there is no one that I can really be myself with you know?  I am always putting it on, with the Ladies.  It is not a bad thing, but inside me I feel like I need to YELL or scream or get drunk or do something crazy, like dance on the bar or just sit on the balcony and drink with my family.  I miss you them so much.  I am so lonely.  I really have no one to talk to except Jamie.  It is as if I feel that I do not deserve to have nice friends.  That if they really knew me that they would not like me.  I really have a low self esteem.  It has always been there, the antidepressants help to get on with things but the low self esteem is always there.  I feel like I have got it together but I don’t really.  Inside I am a mess. I am really sorry about this letter. I can not decide whether to send it. I feel guilty because I did not ring Peter on his birthday, I feel bad that  I did not get to see him when he came across, I have not heard from him at all.  Gita or Dad have not sent me a card or anything about Joel.  I have not even received a congratulation card or present.  Joel is nearly 6 months old.  I HATE HIM I FUCKING HOPE HE DIES.  BUT I WANT HIS FUCKING TOOL KIT AND GUITAR when he dies.  HE HAS REALLY HURT ME.  AND Now that I have a son, I can not imagine what selfishness would keep a person away from their child.  Gita doesn’t like me obviously or she would have made sure that Joel got a card right?  I guess I am just not a likeable person.  I really feel like I am bad.  I do not like myself, I do not trust myself.  I am always causing trouble.  I am obviously a bad person.  I am a hypocrite.  I do not deserve Jamie’s love.  He is too precious.  I will just fuck him up like I have all the men that I have been with.  I will end up ruining him like I am starting to do.  I just want to die.  I always tell stories that make me sound good.  I will change things so that I sound good.   I will manipulate conversations.  I am always telling people what to do.  I give advice all the time.  Even when people do not ask for it.  That is all I do.  I have not got back to the Neighbourhood centre I don’t know why they did not call me back, I guess that they don’t like me either.  They do not want me to help them out.  I probably came on to strong or they just found somebody better.  All Jamie’s friends hate me and now all his family will to. I know that I am really focussing on NEGATIVE negative stuff here, and there are positive stuff too. Do not worry I am not completely fucked up.  But everything I have said may be negative but everything is TRUE.  I proclaim to be a Christian but I am not a Christ like.  I say I read the bible but really I have only read it once or twice in two years.  I don’t go to church. The real reason I get depressed is because I do not want to face reality.  My depression is my defence. Depression is my way of hiding from myself and hiding from the world. So that I do not have to face up to all the bad things in my life.  Or I blame Jamie.  It is amazing how I can manipulate every all situations to be someone else’s fault.  I HATe that.  Even when I apologise and make it up I just go a head and do the same thing next time.  My antidepressants did not stop working I just couldn’t hide these bad things anymore.  I have not told Karen or Daniel that I have moved, they do not know that I am in Brisbane I feel bad about that. I am 27 and I have no real/good friends.  Lou fucked her life because of me.  She copied me.  Lou and I were so close and then I just turned 14 and forgot her.  I let her down. I forgot HER, I FUCKING FOR GOT HER.  I have never forgiven myself for that.  She counted on me.  She was my sister.  I can not talk to Joseph or Ebony.  I don’t know how to have fun.  I don’t know how to be their big sister.  I have not been feeding Joel vegetables.  He has been eating Egg Custard for dinner for over a month.  I feel so bad about that.  I have been giving him farex for brekkie fruit or yoghurt for lunch and fuckin custard for tea.  I finally made up some vegetable for him today.  I froze weeks and weeks worth of vegetables for him.  Potato, Pumpkin, Zucchini, Carrot, Spinach, cauliflower and Pasta all mixed up together and put in little packs for him.  But I am filled with guilt about him not getting full 5 food groups.  That is probably why he is sick all the time.  I had him up the hospital last night to see the after hours medical doctor, he had a cough like a bark, and I was so worried, I thought it was on his chest, but it was not.  It is just a head cold. He will be okay this time. I have been trying to find the time to paint ever since I moved here. I have not yet.  I really love to paint.  All jokes aside I really find it therapeutic.  I would love to do an art course and learn some proper techniques. Well I have really rambled on enough I think.  I am sorry to worry you with everything that I have. Well I am really needing some sleep, this mood I am in will not be helped by lack of sleep hey.  It is past 3 am. please do not worry I am just writing it all down, it is good therapy.  I am okay.  I will be okay.  I appreciate Life.  I am glad to be alive.  I Love life experiences.  There are positive things about me too.  I am not ugly, although I am really hating my TEETH at lately my wisdom teeth have caused my already crowded mouth to look like a fucking traffic jam.  I am very well organised.  I have a great car.  I am full of confidence.  I am not afraid of people.  I will do anything to help people in need. even people that are not in need.  I … really need to sleep.

Response:

woops sorry sent it twice

Response:

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