Depression Learning

A depression is lifting, perhaps… (sp: there is hope)

Question:

Hi everyone, Just wanted to post some good news – maybe give hope to some. Disclaimer….. I’m not saying this will happen to you but it IS happening to me – I had resigned myself to never recovering, okay. Its still early days so take it all with a pinch of salt. Nevertheless, its important to have some positive thought about the future. I’m 39 yo. (just thought I’d throw that in… well hey… its a disclaimer… Like a lot of others here, I had experienced depression most of my life interspersed with some real major episodes where I couldn’t function/cope at all. This last bout has lasted , gee, its hard to remember, 2 to 3 years. It signalled the end of a 13 year marriage and no doubt contributed to it – what with a need to be left alone, mixed with anger and frustration at my increasing difficulties at work, and utter exhaustion on weekends at home. My ex thought I was a real nasty prick. Okay, so she was partly right, but I knew there was something mentally/physically wrong with me. It just got worse and worse and nothing seemed to help. Sound familiar? I’m trying to give a *brief* backgound picture here so bear with me… or else skip to the end if its boring you shitless…. hell, skip the whole email if you want to…. anyway, back to the story… Around Sept ‘98, (15 months after separation) I stopped going to work – i was utterly exhausted, my mind would no longer function as an analyst/programmer’s mind should. Strangely, that was when things really went bad. I became almost catatonic and unable to do simple chores like spreading bread. I just shook all over continuously. Its hard to recall but my thoughts were VERY dark indeed. Okay, I’m trying to get to the point… go straight to the last couple of paragraphs if the suspense is giving you the shits…. I got suicidal and was put on various medications (a-d’s) and saw various pdocs with no change. Frankly the meds seemed like a total mind-f$%k. Just felt completely numb and lobotomised. Eventually, (skipping bits here) I found ASD on the web and haunted the place under the pseudonyms of Brother John and Rossco. ASD was great for me – I loved the interaction – but found myself being worn down by a sort of guilt about my tardiness replying to emails and not being able to keep up and not being very supportive to others. I found it easy to talk about me, but hard to consistently reach out. (We all want to be givers, but I had to face the sad truth… I say this with tears). Anyhooo, so for the past 8 months I’ve kept away from ASD mainly. And for the record I’ve been on Celexor/Citalopram 40mg per day for 9 months. (Kills all emotions and sex-drive) Have taken Effexor,Aurorix, Luvox and Tofranil before that – all much the same – none seem effective).  Geeezzz! So much for brief?! Cmon Rossco!  Spit it out! Okay, here we go…. I get very forgetful about taking meds since every day blends with the previous one. One day recently I managed to forget for 10 days straight… (honest!) and then this happened…. I’m an extreme smoker. 80 a day – why not?  What difference does it make when you’re utterly depressed? Well, I ran out one night and being unshowered and unshaven and unsightly beyond words I decided to sleep instead and get more first thing in the morning. I woke up feeling like absolute shit as per usual and desperate for a nicotine hit. Had to shower etc… now here’s a strange thing. In the shower I FELT  I didn’t want to smoke anymore. So I didn’t. Two weeks have passed without smoking – I’ve had cravings and irritable moods but talk about ENERGY. I can’t stop DOING stuff. I haven’t gone back to meds either which is foolish and I’ll be seeing my doc about this. Bottom-line, I feel _really_ alive. I feel smoking is over (as well as marijuana, "a cone a day keeps the doctor away" ) I feel depression is over. I feel hopeful again about the future. I plan to plateaux for two months and then work on diet and then physical exercise…. no rush, one step at a time… no promises… no illusions… no expectations. I would never have believed this possible even as recently as a month ago. I don’t deserve this.  I’m a rotten human being. I am not ‘good’. But its happening, regardless. I don’t know why…. all I know is that for some reason…. I CAN. Why am I crying? I guess because its been such a long, long, long time since I’ve had much choice about anything. I hope and desire that similar things happen to you as well. It may not happen overnight but it CAN happen. Don’t give up, my friends. Love, Rossco  (aka Brother John) — Round here, we’re carving out our names, Round here, we all look the same, Round here we talk just like lions But we sacrifice like lambs…      (c) Adam Duritz

Response:

 I feel like this too. It’s wonderfull but it is so damn scary. This has been a beautiful fall week here and I feel so much better now I feel like saying hello to everyone I pass in the street. I don’t because they’ll probably take me back to the hospital  in restraints if I do.Maybe I am becoming manic or something. But I’m happy for the first time in 15 years and I am so scared that it will go away. Aren’t you? (by the way I live in Mtl too) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I just had to respond to what  "Brother John" Bottom-line, I feel _really_ alive. I feel smoking is over (as well as marijuana, "a cone a day keeps the doctor away" ) I feel depression is over. I feel hopeful again about the future. I plan to plateaux for two months and then work on diet and then physical exercise…. no rush, one step at a time… no promises… no illusions… no expectations. I hope this continues for you, Ross. It is always good to hear that someone is getting better. Tara J. Ballance Montreal, Canada

Response:

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